Division of labour and running a home. AIBU?

[ferrerorocherfiend]

I would really appreciate some opinions as I'm not sure if I'm justified in feeling a bit pissed off right now or not!

DP and I live together. DP works long hours. Normally six days a week and he's normally out from 7am until anytime between 6 and 7pm at night.

I also work, although not as many hours. I have a zero hours paid job and also a voluntary job (which we get a rent free flat through, so it's a pretty vital job)

I'm currently feeling quite fed up by the way the labour is divided at home, but I'm not sure if I should just suck it up due to the fact the DP does work really hard. I easily do 80% (at least) of the housework. If DP is home for the day he will do things like washing up, clean benches etc. He'll also change beds and stuff if I ask. However all the deep cleaning and icky things like bathrooms are always left to me. I also do most of the meal planning/cooking as I'm usually home before DP on a night.

As an example... Yesterday DP was out his normal hours. My day consisted of absolutely blitzing flat from top to bottom as it was filthy. Including taking down the xmas tree and throwing it away. Sorting our overflowing washing basket. Doing a few hours work out of the home for voluntary job. Doing admin tasks that needed doing (ringing bank, chasing council about out knackered boiler) walking our dog, and then going shopping to buy us something nutritious for tea. The food was then cooked and ready for DP coming in. DP came in, ate his tea and then relaxed on sofa for rest of evening. The plates were then taken to kitchen by him, left on the side and not washed up. He hardly ever washes the plates, so even though I cooked the meal I'm left to do them the next morning.

In addition to this it always seems like most of the admin tasks like paying bills etc fall on me. As an example, we are going away for a few days tomorrow and if I hadn't sorted a pet sitter we wouldn't have one coming!

DP isn't an unreasonable person and he would listen if I brought up how I am feeling. Would it be fair for me to say something? He does work really hard and he is usually shattered when he gets in. However I'm also currently feeling like my life is an endless round of cleaning, cooking and organising and we don't even have DC yet!

How do I approach this? I want to nip it in the bud before resentment grows, but at the same time I don't want to be unfair.

[Ellisandra]

See, if you think you're a terrible cook then the same amount of time spent planning / shopping / cooking will seem like a never ending chore to you as it seems like fun to someone else! Recipe for feeling stressed and too busy!

Work together to pick some meals you like - and give up any notion that you're failing if you're not trying new recipes every week!

I recommend to always have a healthy-ish back up meal that you can do quickly and easily for the fuck it nights!

I'm not a good cook - I could be better, but honestly, I just don't care enough!
I always have in:

• Frozen salmon fillets
  
• Microwaveable Frozen mixed veg
  
• Microwaveable lime and coriander flavour rice pouch
  
• a bottle of sweet chilli sauce
  

My fiancé laughs at my microwave rice, but I'm not the one washing up the saucepan like he is! Ping! And the last laugh is on me

I like fresh veg better, but frozen is fine. It's my emergency can't be arsed meal, and it's fine.

I'm a fan of limiting housework time too - I allow myself a half hour (or whatever) to "crisis clean" - only the stuff that's really bothering me. If there's more - well tough luck, I've done my bit! I do appreciate that's easier said than done though.

My work colleague has a tip for to-do lists. Write them in the order you want to do them. Then flip them round. Because you tend to put off stuff that is difficult or dull - so it sits on there taunting you and making you feel bad even when you've done over stuff.

My sister has two lists: happy to do, and pain in the arse - and forces herself to alternate between the lists.

Whatever works!

For me, it has just been accepting that a running background list of 5 to do things is normal and I should let it make me feel bad. Last week I changed my premium bonds address. I should have done it 4 yeas ago and I last thought "must do that" about 3 weeks ago. But... mindset - I don't beat myself up about it, I accept that (a) life is busy and (b) sometimes I'm lazy and (c) hell, nobody died

Good luck!

[VivDeering]

I agree that the trick is to have equal leisure time. So you cook whilst he's travelling home from work and you both eat together and then you both wash up (or put the pots away for you to do tomorrow whilst he's at work).

The problem with this is that you end up with the drudgery of most of the housework. However, he has the drudgery of most of the paid work! He certainly doesn't seem to be winning any competition here.

(Also, what's a "voluntary job"? What does that mean?).

[Surreyblah]

Your "voluntary" job is not actually voluntary if you depend on it for housing, especially if it'd be difficult to find alternative housing.

30 hours a week WoH is classified as FT in most surveys. Zero hours - but actually working FT - can also be stressful.

Your H working longer hours - presumably benefiting his career - doesn't mean he should have more leisure time than you.

[ferrerorocherfiend]

Brilliant suggestions there Ellisanda. You're right...I do find all the cooking a stress because I feel like I'm not that great at it. I feel guilty because we are eating the same meals all the time, and that's just guilt I'm putting on myself for no reason. I would like to improve my cooking skills though, so I might actually make that an aim for this year.

That's a good point that my job actually isn't voluntary because it keeps a roof over our heads. It's also just as in depth as any paid job. I spoke to dp last night about how I sometimes feel my contribution to the relationship isn't appreciated by him. He said that isn't the case at all and that he knows I also work hard.

We really need a better work/life balance though. I would like him to look for another job ideally, but he's not the most pro active when it comes to job searching.

Lots to think about right now. Thank you for all the helpful comments and suggestions 🙂

[ocelot7]

Weekend cooking together shouldn't be considered a chore. I love companionable chatting & chopping with a glass of something...also a chance to try something new and/or batch cook for the freezer :)

[Streuth]

I'm all for home cooking, but we have to be realistic!! I really like my food, find cooking a bit of a chore, but if I don't cook I don't eat!!

So some days I just have a ready-made salad and my son has to make do with convenience food or take-away or make something himself, beans on toast or whatever.

I do sympathise with OP. Running a home (even without children!) takes time. I had a cleaner even when I was single and working, as I couldn't cope!. But I admit I do have low physical energy levels.

Tell your DH a couple of days he has to fend for himself - maybe give him advance warning. And I don't think its too much to expect him to cook one meal a week.

P.S. I wouldn't say 30 hours a week working was part-time, either.

[Adora10]

I just can't get over him leaving his dirty dishes on the side after you cooking him a meal; to me, that just slaps of apathy at all that you do, you say you do at least 80% of the work, how on earth is that fair, it is not.

As for him leaving at 7am and getting home 6 or 7, that's normal working hours for me but I do have two days off, not just one.

[Surreyblah]

If you don't have DC I would simply stop cooking for him, doing his laundry for a bit!