Division of labour and running a home. AIBU?

[ferrerorocherfiend]

I would really appreciate some opinions as I'm not sure if I'm justified in feeling a bit pissed off right now or not!

DP and I live together. DP works long hours. Normally six days a week and he's normally out from 7am until anytime between 6 and 7pm at night.

I also work, although not as many hours. I have a zero hours paid job and also a voluntary job (which we get a rent free flat through, so it's a pretty vital job)

I'm currently feeling quite fed up by the way the labour is divided at home, but I'm not sure if I should just suck it up due to the fact the DP does work really hard. I easily do 80% (at least) of the housework. If DP is home for the day he will do things like washing up, clean benches etc. He'll also change beds and stuff if I ask. However all the deep cleaning and icky things like bathrooms are always left to me. I also do most of the meal planning/cooking as I'm usually home before DP on a night.

As an example... Yesterday DP was out his normal hours. My day consisted of absolutely blitzing flat from top to bottom as it was filthy. Including taking down the xmas tree and throwing it away. Sorting our overflowing washing basket. Doing a few hours work out of the home for voluntary job. Doing admin tasks that needed doing (ringing bank, chasing council about out knackered boiler) walking our dog, and then going shopping to buy us something nutritious for tea. The food was then cooked and ready for DP coming in. DP came in, ate his tea and then relaxed on sofa for rest of evening. The plates were then taken to kitchen by him, left on the side and not washed up. He hardly ever washes the plates, so even though I cooked the meal I'm left to do them the next morning.

In addition to this it always seems like most of the admin tasks like paying bills etc fall on me. As an example, we are going away for a few days tomorrow and if I hadn't sorted a pet sitter we wouldn't have one coming!

DP isn't an unreasonable person and he would listen if I brought up how I am feeling. Would it be fair for me to say something? He does work really hard and he is usually shattered when he gets in. However I'm also currently feeling like my life is an endless round of cleaning, cooking and organising and we don't even have DC yet!

How do I approach this? I want to nip it in the bud before resentment grows, but at the same time I don't want to be unfair.

[Surreyblah]

If you don't have DC I would simply stop cooking for him, doing his laundry for a bit!

[Adora10]

I just can't get over him leaving his dirty dishes on the side after you cooking him a meal; to me, that just slaps of apathy at all that you do, you say you do at least 80% of the work, how on earth is that fair, it is not.

As for him leaving at 7am and getting home 6 or 7, that's normal working hours for me but I do have two days off, not just one.

[Streuth]

I'm all for home cooking, but we have to be realistic!! I really like my food, find cooking a bit of a chore, but if I don't cook I don't eat!!

So some days I just have a ready-made salad and my son has to make do with convenience food or take-away or make something himself, beans on toast or whatever.

I do sympathise with OP. Running a home (even without children!) takes time. I had a cleaner even when I was single and working, as I couldn't cope!. But I admit I do have low physical energy levels.

Tell your DH a couple of days he has to fend for himself - maybe give him advance warning. And I don't think its too much to expect him to cook one meal a week.

P.S. I wouldn't say 30 hours a week working was part-time, either.

[ocelot7]

Weekend cooking together shouldn't be considered a chore. I love companionable chatting & chopping with a glass of something...also a chance to try something new and/or batch cook for the freezer :)

[ferrerorocherfiend]

Brilliant suggestions there Ellisanda. You're right...I do find all the cooking a stress because I feel like I'm not that great at it. I feel guilty because we are eating the same meals all the time, and that's just guilt I'm putting on myself for no reason. I would like to improve my cooking skills though, so I might actually make that an aim for this year.

That's a good point that my job actually isn't voluntary because it keeps a roof over our heads. It's also just as in depth as any paid job. I spoke to dp last night about how I sometimes feel my contribution to the relationship isn't appreciated by him. He said that isn't the case at all and that he knows I also work hard.

We really need a better work/life balance though. I would like him to look for another job ideally, but he's not the most pro active when it comes to job searching.

Lots to think about right now. Thank you for all the helpful comments and suggestions 🙂

[Surreyblah]

Your "voluntary" job is not actually voluntary if you depend on it for housing, especially if it'd be difficult to find alternative housing.

30 hours a week WoH is classified as FT in most surveys. Zero hours - but actually working FT - can also be stressful.

Your H working longer hours - presumably benefiting his career - doesn't mean he should have more leisure time than you.

[VivDeering]

I agree that the trick is to have equal leisure time. So you cook whilst he's travelling home from work and you both eat together and then you both wash up (or put the pots away for you to do tomorrow whilst he's at work).

The problem with this is that you end up with the drudgery of most of the housework. However, he has the drudgery of most of the paid work! He certainly doesn't seem to be winning any competition here.

(Also, what's a "voluntary job"? What does that mean?).

[Ellisandra]

See, if you think you're a terrible cook then the same amount of time spent planning / shopping / cooking will seem like a never ending chore to you as it seems like fun to someone else! Recipe for feeling stressed and too busy!

Work together to pick some meals you like - and give up any notion that you're failing if you're not trying new recipes every week!

I recommend to always have a healthy-ish back up meal that you can do quickly and easily for the fuck it nights!

I'm not a good cook - I could be better, but honestly, I just don't care enough!
I always have in:

• Frozen salmon fillets
  
• Microwaveable Frozen mixed veg
  
• Microwaveable lime and coriander flavour rice pouch
  
• a bottle of sweet chilli sauce
  

My fiancé laughs at my microwave rice, but I'm not the one washing up the saucepan like he is! Ping! And the last laugh is on me

I like fresh veg better, but frozen is fine. It's my emergency can't be arsed meal, and it's fine.

I'm a fan of limiting housework time too - I allow myself a half hour (or whatever) to "crisis clean" - only the stuff that's really bothering me. If there's more - well tough luck, I've done my bit! I do appreciate that's easier said than done though.

My work colleague has a tip for to-do lists. Write them in the order you want to do them. Then flip them round. Because you tend to put off stuff that is difficult or dull - so it sits on there taunting you and making you feel bad even when you've done over stuff.

My sister has two lists: happy to do, and pain in the arse - and forces herself to alternate between the lists.

Whatever works!

For me, it has just been accepting that a running background list of 5 to do things is normal and I should let it make me feel bad. Last week I changed my premium bonds address. I should have done it 4 yeas ago and I last thought "must do that" about 3 weeks ago. But... mindset - I don't beat myself up about it, I accept that (a) life is busy and (b) sometimes I'm lazy and (c) hell, nobody died

Good luck!

[ferrerorocherfiend]

Brilliant post Ellisandra. You are spot on about me always feeling my list isn't done because there are still things on it. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. It's almost as if I feel I can't relax until every last task is complete, which of course is utterly unrealistic...there will always be something else to do! I'm terrible at relaxing. DP is always imploring me to chill out more. Even on holiday I struggle to just go with the flow.

I possibly am creating work, but the flat does accumulate dirt and grime terrifyingly easy. We are in process of redecorating and it's quite worn and grubby. Everything picks up dirt so easily!

I'm going to have a good think about how I can make things like food shopping etc easier. The meal planner is a good idea. I'm a terrible cook and I'm running out of recipe ideas at the minute!

[Ellisandra]

Breadwinner is a ridiculous concept.
I earn over 3x my fiancé, we both work full time. He's going to move into my house, so I'll be the one provided by accommodation too.

I hope he dumps my arse immediately if I ever pul some shit that I get to do less housework because the employment market values what I do monetarily higher than what he does.

It's about leisure time, not about earnings.

Fine, PrincessPinkGirl, to choose to do more at home because in your case being a SAHM gives you more free time. But don't do it because he's "The Breadwinner"!

[ferrerorocherfiend]

He isn't the "breadwinner" though PrincessPinkGirl. We split bills 50/50 and get our flat rent free through my voluntary job.

[Ellisandra]

I'm a single parent with one child (and all the school admin that brings! Bloody costume making...!) and I work full time, including being away every other week for 4 nights. That's great for not creating mess, but I still have washing accumulating, and significantly less time to do all the life admin jobs.

I really don't want this to sound all "what's the fuss about?" but it does always make me think on threads like this, there are two issues:

• the obvious one of who is doing what
  
• the maybe less obvious one of WHY does it feel there is so much to do?
  

Two people who are both tidy (you say he is) should not create so much housework that long "blitzes" are necessary.

I think you've got good insight there that this might be related to your current anxiety. Even just 2 things on a to do list can drag you down if it seems like a never ending list, and there are always 2. Depends whether your mindset is you're looking for the zero list which is never going to happen, so it distresses you to see 2 - or your mindset is that life means always having a couple of things to do.

There may be some things that you need to compromise on. Can you make it not matter that he leaves dishes until the next day? Pick your battles!

I think you might gain by addressing what you describe as your need to be doing something. If you're a bit of a one woman job creation scheme, then no - it's not fair he has to do 50% of the jobs you invent!
But he's not being fair if he shirks basics.

I would look for whether you're creating work, and if you're handling things efficiently as a couple. For example, when people talk about paying bills... my child's clubs are a bit old fashioned with cheques - but if I think about all other payments - house, car, insurances, pension - I haven't paid a single bill since I moved in 4 years ago - it's all direct debit.

Sounds like shopping / cooking is time consuming. Pick 7 meals that you like, are healthy enough, cheap enough, and that you can cook. That's it. You never have to think about nutrition and cooking again. Monday night is pasta night!

There are lots of ways to reduce jobs.

Make that part of the fair division.

[Princesspinkgirl]

I think your DP does enough due to work hours .. i am a stay at home new mum and was while pregnant too DP works full time i do all the cleaning cooking making sure he has a meal ready for when hes home washing and now looking after baby too i think its completely fair as he's the bread winner

[ferrerorocherfiend]

That is my fear SeaCabbage. There's just no work/life balance at all

FinallyHere. I don't have any chore free days. There's always something to be done. Then again I am incapable of leaving things, so it could be partly my fault.

[dontcallmethatyoucunt]

Our rule is no one sits down until it's all done. That way if he's at work, you crack on. When he's sitting down, so are you. Simple.

[FinallyHere]

You have mentioned that he only has one say off a week and wondered whether its fair to ask him to 'do' stuff on that day. How many days do you get off entirely free of chores? Thought not.

[SeaCabbage]

A cleaner sounds great but to be honest, I would imagine that for as long as your dp is working 6 days a week and is out from 7 til 7 then life is going to be shit. He is going to be exhausted from his work and you are going to be exhausted from your work and the home drudge.

[ferrerorocherfiend]

He's not messy at all broodybrooder. He picks up after himself and would never just carelessly leave the place in a state.

I probably should get him more involved in the cooking. I've managed to set the status quo of his tea almost being on the table when he gets in (unless he gets in before me of course) Until recently I did actually work a few really late shifts a week, and he would have made me food for when I'd gotten in. It's just the dynamic has now totally shifted and (rightly or wrongly) I'm faintly horrified at the thought of always cooking the evening meal at least six days a week.

I probably should do less in the house tbh. I think I may have become a little bit obsessive over it all. As I mentioned earlier I've got quite bad anxiety and I think obsessing over housework might be it's latest manifestation.

Definitely going to look into a cleaner when we have the funds for it. The sheer prospect of it sounds like bliss

[broodybrooder]

How messy is he OP besides the dishes? Does he pick up after himself or leave trails of stuff in his wake?

Maintaining a flat only you are in most of the time is different to picking up after a hurricane that arrives every evening and if that's the case, you're not being unreasonable.

You should definitely ask him for help with the washing up though - it's not fair if you've tidied the flat and then he comes home, helps in the messing it up and then lounges on the sofa. Cooking a meal and clearing up together is a nice way to catch up and talk. Then you both get to sit down.















If you think with his hours it's unkind to ask him to do more, why don't you do less?
Or get him to swap doing the dishes for doing a bathroom instead.

Maybe get a dishwasher?
Or you could both go halves on a cleaner for an hour a week to come in and blitz the horrible stuff.

[TheNaze73]

I'm struggling to see what either of you are getting from this relationship.

[Huldra]

I think he should be doing more. How about setting aside an hour on his day off when you can blitz together? One takes the bathroom, the other grabs the hoover, then o e starts dinner whilst the other grabs some towels to wash. Most adults have to do some daily drudge on their days off to keep themselves clean and alive.

Dont you ever say to him, come on let's to the dishes now. Then one washes, the other dries or grabs some more clothes to put in the washer. If you never say anything he will think you are happy with the situation.

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

Who is bringing these men up to think that working full time entitles you to free domestic service from your partner?

Apparently quite a few posters on this thread!

He CHOSE a job that involves long hours. He doesn't have any rent to pay so actually he could have picked a job with a better work/home balance.

He's shown that he is capable of washing etc as he does it when he's alone......but when you're there he acts like an entitled arse and just leaves it for you to do!

He isn't stupid OP, he knows full well he should be helping out more.
If he was living alone he'd have to make the time and find the energy to do all the stuff you're doing. So i don't buy the excuse that he's 'tired out'.
Will this be his get-out excuse for the rest of your lives?

30 hours is classed as full time OP, so you're working full time and then doing all the housework.

STOP being the 'little woman'. Don't fall into the trap of doing all the wife work out of some misguided sense of duty and obligation.

[ferrerorocherfiend]

kr1stina. I work about 30 hours a week altogether, including my voluntary job.

I do most of the housework, but he does wash up and tidy if he's in alone. It is the main cleaning jobs that all fall to me though iyswim. He doesn't clean bathrooms, scrub floors etc.

I did pay all the bills last month as he didn't receive a wage.

We do rarely see each other because of his job. We both hate that though!

To be fair we do relax together on the night and spend time together then. The dishes will be put back in the kitchen.

[Kr1stina]

Can I just ask about the bigger picture op?

You work pretty much full time- 30 hours plus voluntary work which provides your flat. In addition you do all the housework and wifework , expect for the bins.

Some months you pay the bills as well as he is skint.

He works all the time so you hardly ever see him. When he does come home from work he eats the meal you cooked and watches tv all night while you do more chores.

Is that right ?

I'm struggling to see what's in this for you.

[MorrisZapp]

I've been living with DP for about 15 years and the only division of labour that works for us is fifty fifty, regardless of work commitments.

Who is bringing these men up to think that working full time entitles you to free domestic service from your partner?