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Original poster

AIBU or is this the last straw?

69 replies

HalfWayOut · 09/01/2017 07:40

Apologies in advance about the length of this post!

Been with DH for 10 years, married for 3. We don't have kids, I want them and am 32 so time is not on my side. The last two years have been very rocky and looking back, I probably put up with a lot of things that weren't great even before things started to break down.

I tried to end things back in September. There wasn't one 'big' reason like cheating but lots of things which added up to me being unhappy.

  • DH quit his job over 4 years ago to start his own company. I was reluctant to go ahead with this idea and felt pressured to go along with it. Fast forward to now and he gets paid very little and irregularly so I'm responsible for being the breadwinner and providing financial security. On top of this, I feel like he's not that responsible with money which further adds to the stress. (He said it 'pisses him off' that I try to reign in his spending which I only do because we don't have the money!)

  • On top of the above, I was also doing everything around the house from sorting out car MOTs to DIY and cleaning.

  • I started to feel less and less like we were a team. It got so hard trying to get him to help me with anything so I just stopped asking him to do anything and started taking on everything myself.

  • He is very wrapped up in his work and his hobbies. He often goes out or locks himself in his office so I just ended up feeling very lonely.

  • Sex life dwindled. I started to notice that I could never initiate, he was only interested if he was starting things which wasn't very often.

When I tried to end things, he was absolutely distraught and begged me to give him another chance. He took responsibility for everything and booked us into counselling and has been making a real effort since. I've been very cagey but was just starting to have more faith in the relationship when last night happened!

We were having drinks with some friends (all couples) when the guys started talking about a cycling holiday they had been planning abroad. I knew nothing about this. The next thing I know, one of them has their iPhone out and they have booked flights for a 10 day trip in a few months time.

I'm just so hurt by the whole thing. We haven't had a holiday together for over 2 years because he can't leave his business and we haven't had the money.

We were just starting to get things back on track and now I don't know what to think. I told him very calmly this morning that I was upset he hadn't discussed this with me first and he apologised and said he got carried away because he'd had a few beers.

What do people think - AIBU or is this unacceptable? Is this a 'last straw' action because it kind of feels like one to me?

Thanks if you made it to the end!

OP posts:
FunnyBird · 09/01/2017 07:51

It is a big thing.
Spending the money without talking with you. Planning to be away without talking with you. Can't take a holiday with you, but takers one with his mates without considering you.
You don't seem to be top of his list of things to think about.

HeWoreAGirlsCardigan · 09/01/2017 08:09

Even if it isn't the final straw I would use it as one if I'm honest.

ImYourMama · 09/01/2017 08:13

Leave, he's a man child and you're more like his mum than his wife. You're better than that OP!

You can have kids however you want, don't stay with this man because you'll end up with 2 children to look after!

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 09/01/2017 08:15

Yes! That! ^^ Use it as your last straw, because clearly you're not happy with this relationship.

But, for the record, that was just plain nasty. He lied to you, by omission at very least.

Of course he's begging you to forgive him. He's got it cushty - why would he want that to end?

Any ONE of your reasons for being unhappy is enough to walk away. Be kind to yourself and do it.

JerryFerry · 09/01/2017 08:18

It sounds pretty miserable and tbh it'll be more difficult with children in the picture. I'm inclined to think you should get out and make a fresh start. Sorry but I don't think people change.

StewieGMum · 09/01/2017 08:19

It is the last straw: it's thoughtless, unkind and makes it clear that his priorities are him. If you have children, this will only get worse. Walk away now and you will find a better man who understands relationships and responsibility and who doesn't take you for granted.

Graphista · 09/01/2017 08:20

So...he's lazy, selfish (including sexually), financially irresponsible, doesn't consider your feelings, isn't prioritising you and your relationship when it comes to big decisions and is stringing you along on having children...

Frankly I'm amazed you've lasted this long!

fusspot66 · 09/01/2017 08:24

I thought you should leave before you even got to the cycling trip.
Don't waste your time on him.

oleoleoleole · 09/01/2017 08:24

Let him go on the holiday. Without him knowing Make arrangements to separate and whilst he is away you can move out and start living the life you deserve. You are getting nothing out of this relationship. He is draining you and is selfish IMO.

Change your phone number and leave him a letter telling him when and where he can contact you and if he tried to harass you then you will consider a restraining order. Very harsh but he will realise too late what he has lost.

Don't be a fool and return, he will agree to children to try and keep you and in five years time you'll have two kids, no husband and be back at square one.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 09/01/2017 08:27

Your his meal ticket OP. Sorry. He doesn't want you to leave 'cause he knows damn well he'll have to get a proper full time job.

I bet you're funding his bloody holiday too.

sleepyMe12 · 09/01/2017 08:31

He became distraught at the thought of losing his meal ticket.
Get rid OP.

lovelearning · 09/01/2017 08:33

he apologised and said he got carried away because he'd had a few beers

Fair enough

Has the trip been cancelled?

girlelephant · 09/01/2017 08:33

You sound really unhappy. Counselling may help if you both want to save the relationship. But you sound so unhappy that maybe you just need to end it.

Good luck Flowers

SandyY2K · 09/01/2017 08:37

If he cancels the holiday I'd consider forgiving him, but there are so many other problems.

Why can't he sort out the cars?

I totally understand why you'd see this as the final straw.

There doesn't seem to be much joy in the marriage and with no kids, I'd probably leave and start afresh with a new man.

AhYerWill · 09/01/2017 08:37

Men like this will change for just long enough to get you invested back in the relationship and then revert to the 'real' them.

I left a similarly selfish and irresponsible -prick- man at about your age OP, and it was the best thing I ever did. I only wish I'd done it sooner...

greedygorb · 09/01/2017 08:43

Only you can tell if it's the last straw. The last straw can be something so ludicrous people might think you mad to leave someone because of it but it's all the stuff that came before. The holiday thing would piss me off but in a better relationship you could get over it.

ChuckSnowballs · 09/01/2017 08:44

What is the point of him exactly? I'd freecycle him if he were hanging round my house.

Joysmum · 09/01/2017 08:45

He's putting far more time and effort into all other aspects of his life rather than you.

If you've tried all you can to make him see this and express your hurt and upset at this and your lack of 'partnership' but he still does not want to change things then it's over.

When I've helped self employed organise their money, I've advised them to keep a seperate account to pay income into and have a frugal 6 months to a year to build up an 'oh shit fund' (OSF) with a minimal regular scheduled standing order going to their usual account but don't touch the rest. Once the OSF is up to strength, up the scheduled standing order. That way they have a regular income no matter how irregular they have money coming in and this is vital for family budgeting and money management.

Work the same way for the bills account. Scheduled standing order in (calculated on rounding up what you think you'll need plus a bit) to build the OSF. When there's enough in the OSF plus the bills money, then gradually reduce the standing order amount and if the OSF reaches a high enough level you can use it for a project or holiday.

cantfindausername2 · 09/01/2017 08:46

I think he would be upset about the relationship ending as his free ride would end. Why would he change when he can do little and live as he likes?

Original poster
HalfWayOut · 09/01/2017 08:46

Thanks for all the replies. Glad I'm not the only one who thinks this is unreasonable behaviour. I would never do it to him.

We have been going to counselling and I thought it was making a difference but last night's actions prove otherwise.

I've obviously painted a very bad picture of him but he's not all bad. He makes me laugh, we have good conversation (when he's here) and he can be supportive at times. Despite the lack of sex, I still find him physically attractive Confused

However, I guess that's not really enough to sustain a marriage is it? Even though I feel terribly sad, I think ending things is the right thing to do.

I've been thinking about 'Plan B' while all this has been going on. We own a house together which I would like to keep if I can afford to buy him out (fingers crossed). When I think about going ahead with the separation I feel completely overwhelmed! I don't know how I would even start getting him to leave the house. I don't want to just kick him out as I feel terrible about walking away from my commitments already. Plus as mentioned, he's somewhat financially dependent on me. Any advice?

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 09/01/2017 08:50

What makes him incapable of sorting out cars,diy and helping with housework? He uses these things and should be doing his fair share. Setting up your own business is no excuse. He's selfish and lazy.

He could get a part time job whilst the business is still lacking money. Especially as he isn't happy he doesn't have enough to spend. This screams lack of giving a shit and lack of sense and maturity.

Although interesting that he doesn't have enough to put into the house but has enough to go on holiday with his mates. Or are you supposed to be paying for this?

But yea I would dump him. Live is too short to be with someone like this. 3 months after saying he will change and give him credit there he has. He's done what you wanted and tried working on things with a bit of counselling, so now he deserves his reward of a lads holiday.

SandyY2K · 09/01/2017 08:53

he's somewhat financially dependent on me. Any advice?

The sooner he stops depending on you the better. You may have to pay him spousal support for a period of time, but he'd be expecting to start earning sharpish, as he's an able bodied man.

If the business isn't lucrative, then he needs to get a job and pack in the business.

Can he afford to get his own place if you buy him out? It's either he buys you out, you buy him out or you sell and split the equity.

Can he afford the mortgage if you leave?
Can you afford a new place if you sold up?

Cricrichan · 09/01/2017 09:02

You don't get anything at all from this relationship, take responsibility for everything and he doesn't even respect you enough to involve you in his plans. I think it's an easy choice for you op!

FinallyHere · 09/01/2017 09:07

Oh dear, please consider how you would respond, if you were hearing this story from a friend, relative, goodness, even from a stranger on the internet. It made me sad, to think that you are being treated so badly, by someone so selfish with no thought or consideration, never mind love, while your response is to be concerned about how he would manage without you father than thinking 'how fast can i get rid of this drain on my energy and resources'.

You deserve so much more in your life. Whatever you do, please avoid having children, who will shackle you together while they grow up.

I would encourage you to be very practical from now on. Get some legal advice, then approach some mortgage providers, find out whether you can afford to buy him out of the property, or you will have to see and split the proceeds. Get your options in place , then sit him down and explain what is going to happen next.

Meanwhile, be kind to yourself. You deserve so much love and respect: look to put these high up your list of thimgs to look for in a partner. All the very best.

Cricrichan · 09/01/2017 09:07

Thankfully you're young and don't have children with him, so it's pretty straightforward. You already do all the work and earn the money so your life is only going to get easier and more fun. If you've spent most of your adult life with him, you'll be amazed at how nice it'll be when you're with someone who prioritises you and wants you and respects you and us a responsible adult!

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