AIBU or is this the last straw?

[HalfWayOut]

Apologies in advance about the length of this post!

Been with DH for 10 years, married for 3. We don't have kids, I want them and am 32 so time is not on my side. The last two years have been very rocky and looking back, I probably put up with a lot of things that weren't great even before things started to break down.

I tried to end things back in September. There wasn't one 'big' reason like cheating but lots of things which added up to me being unhappy.

• DH quit his job over 4 years ago to start his own company. I was reluctant to go ahead with this idea and felt pressured to go along with it. Fast forward to now and he gets paid very little and irregularly so I'm responsible for being the breadwinner and providing financial security. On top of this, I feel like he's not that responsible with money which further adds to the stress. (He said it 'pisses him off' that I try to reign in his spending which I only do because we don't have the money!)

• On top of the above, I was also doing everything around the house from sorting out car MOTs to DIY and cleaning.

• I started to feel less and less like we were a team. It got so hard trying to get him to help me with anything so I just stopped asking him to do anything and started taking on everything myself.

• He is very wrapped up in his work and his hobbies. He often goes out or locks himself in his office so I just ended up feeling very lonely.

• Sex life dwindled. I started to notice that I could never initiate, he was only interested if he was starting things which wasn't very often.

When I tried to end things, he was absolutely distraught and begged me to give him another chance. He took responsibility for everything and booked us into counselling and has been making a real effort since. I've been very cagey but was just starting to have more faith in the relationship when last night happened!

We were having drinks with some friends (all couples) when the guys started talking about a cycling holiday they had been planning abroad. I knew nothing about this. The next thing I know, one of them has their iPhone out and they have booked flights for a 10 day trip in a few months time.

I'm just so hurt by the whole thing. We haven't had a holiday together for over 2 years because he can't leave his business and we haven't had the money.

We were just starting to get things back on track and now I don't know what to think. I told him very calmly this morning that I was upset he hadn't discussed this with me first and he apologised and said he got carried away because he'd had a few beers.

What do people think - AIBU or is this unacceptable? Is this a 'last straw' action because it kind of feels like one to me?

Thanks if you made it to the end!

Seriously OP you need to read again what squirty has put. It's a very good post.

Thanks again for the replies.

Squirty that's a great response. It sounds like your situation was very similar.

You hit the nail on the head when you said "I used to love him but it eroded all the respect I had for him". That's exactly how I've felt over the past year. If he'd acknowledged the situation and been honest about it, we could have worked together to sort things out. Instead he's just carried on telling me that the business is 'going to turn a corner' and everything is great. Meanwhile doing as little as he can get away with around the house.

I've also had the angry response accusing me of having a lack of faith in him. It's hard to keep faith when this goes on for several years!

How did you go about ending things? It sounds like you're in the midst of it all now.

I'm really struggling to find the strength to get out. I feel so embarrassed that we only got married 3 years ago. I meant my vows when I said them and had no doubts about the relationship. It's hard to look back and believe this is where we've ended up. As someone else said, you still love the good parts of them but that doesn't stop the relationship from making you miserable.

Just another point - it seems like a lot of my friends are in the same situation. It's like we all turned 30 and realised we are with men children who aren't cut out for a LTR!

Any advice?

Spend the 10 days packing his shit and drop it off at his familys/friends.

And go see a lawyer.

any advice? Lawyer first. Put together a one side of A4 paper with the facts for the lawyer. Inform yourself of the possible ways forward. Knowledge really is power in your situation. Have an adult conversation from your new position of poser, and get a plan agreed to separate. All the best.

I think you need to ask him why he hasn't offered to cancel the holiday that you can't afford?

Is reaction will make it much easier to end it emotionally from your point of view.

Oh dear, groundhog day here too. OP, you already know divorce is the next step - the question is how. Be very nice to yourself as from now and see a lawyer tomorrow; keep both these up.

If you think the D-word sounds drastic, consider the next step(s) in your alternative-reality-when-you-didn't-leave-yet:

1. He goes on never to make any money, ever.
2. You never have a holiday.
3. Or children.
4. People feel sorry for you but stop talking when you come in so you don't know this. But you feel it.
5. You are trapped as a wage slave servicing a huge mortgage and a bigger manchild.
6. You split up anyway when he has an affair.

I wouldn't talk to him about cancelling the holiday. Stable door, horse bolted etc. 'I should have more faith in him'. Total emotional manipulation. I agree you need a solicitor and a proposal for speedy separation. Going on previous form, he will be heartbroken and pull out all the stops. Cut him dead. He has no regard for you at all. Thanks goodness you didn't have a baby with him.

Be gone before the holiday why on earth would you pay for him to go on holiday and make arrangement to separate afterwards?
Use the holiday money towards a good lawyer.

Apart from everything else, what stands out in bright neon lights to me is that he does not want dc.....and he's prepared to string you along with the 'i can change' mantra

He'l keep making empty promises until it's too late for you ttc

Everything he says and does is showing that he wants to live a childfree lifestyle.

It actually sounds like there's a lot he doesn't want to do. Housework, pay bills, grow up, go on holiday with the OP, earn enough to pull his weight. What a catch.

Agree with all that has been said. Also take the fertility thing seriously - don't waste more years on this man.

HalfWayOut

Lawyers are horrendously expensive - avoid them

Try to come to an agreement with your husband over the divorce

If you reach an impasse, use Mediation

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-separation-and-divorce/mediation

Thanks lovelearning. I'm hopeful we can work things out with minimal involvement from lawyers. I might get some legal advice upfront though so I'm clear where I stand when I have the conversation with him.

Dreading having the chat again. When I told him I wanted to separate in September he was devastated and I could barely stand the guilt

I'm not sure where it was suggested that DH doesn't want children. He would have had them by now but it's me who's holding back. I can't rely on him financially and he couldn't take care of any DC if I worked full time as he's got his business. I've discussed this with him many times but he doesn't seem to grasp the reality of the situation and just thinks we should get on with it as there's never a right time!

Well, you've done the hard part and told him that you want to end it. The next part is to make it happen.

You don't need his or anyone's permission to end the relationship. If it is not working for you, that is enough of a reason.

Ah, typed a long post and lost it.
Upshot is you married a man who hasn't matured and isn't likely to.
It's not your fault, it's reasonable to expect him to have matured at this age but his behaviour isn't growing or changing.

Ime, it's mindset and attitude that needs to change which counselling might not address. If he changes behaviours, such as I will ask you if I can spend joint money on 10 day holiday before doing it, he is likely to become resentful of the "rules".
If his mindset was "I put my wife and my relationship first so wouldn't even consider a mates holiday if we haven't been away" it's more likely you will be a team.

This is what I have learned, if men feel they have to adjust their natural behaviours then they get resentful as feel controlled.If they had a "marriage first" mindset, this issue would not have ever been raised.

You have an immature husband who seems to surrounds himself with like minded mates which is why your friends are also suffering.

As you're having counselling already, discuss this in your next session. Say there that you have decided to end the marriage and why. Be very firm that the decision is final for you. The counselling will then become about ending the relationship.

Don't you think if he was really serious about being a dad he'd start acting more responsibly?

He knows you won't go ahead whilst he's like this.
So he's paying it lip service, he can talk the talk - but he can't walk the walk.

You dont need to feel guilty about this or him. You gave it your best shot (however, that was not reciprocated). You evolved, he didn't.

"Never a good time to have a baby"...rather a throw away comment after you pointed out simple dynamics that woukd need to change. I think you are very smart to not presume he will spontaneously change when/if a baby should come along. Let him spontaneously change for someone else.

" Never a good time to have a baby " is different from "now is not a good time to have a baby" . He is continuing to be dismissive of you and your brain.

I agree with everything squirty said.
Also, what kittybiscuits said about "you should have more faith in him". It is emotional manipulation. It is also shaming you (to shut you up) (to guilt trip you) (to try to occupy the moral high ground) . Well "faith" isnt bringing home the bacon, is it?

You have made your decision, it sounds like you have. I agree that you should end it as the relationship is all about advantages for him at your expense. Imho, my advice (in addition to the pps) is to stop listening to him now. I mean day to day civilities of course is ok, but any manipulative responses, pity parties, meltdowns-just do not take on board. Teflon coat time. Beware of anger, even if he has never shown anger before: have an emergency plan in place if you need to get out quick.

I think if you can approach the conversation as an administrative task, it would be a position of strength for you. His reaction is all his and really has nothing to do with you: insulting you/crying/etc will be him trying to save face, to dominate you, to try to validate his self centered set up, to prove you are "wrong" and/or to deny you your truth. That is his dance, do not engage with it.