AIBU or is this the last straw?

[HalfWayOut]

Apologies in advance about the length of this post!

Been with DH for 10 years, married for 3. We don't have kids, I want them and am 32 so time is not on my side. The last two years have been very rocky and looking back, I probably put up with a lot of things that weren't great even before things started to break down.

I tried to end things back in September. There wasn't one 'big' reason like cheating but lots of things which added up to me being unhappy.

• DH quit his job over 4 years ago to start his own company. I was reluctant to go ahead with this idea and felt pressured to go along with it. Fast forward to now and he gets paid very little and irregularly so I'm responsible for being the breadwinner and providing financial security. On top of this, I feel like he's not that responsible with money which further adds to the stress. (He said it 'pisses him off' that I try to reign in his spending which I only do because we don't have the money!)

• On top of the above, I was also doing everything around the house from sorting out car MOTs to DIY and cleaning.

• I started to feel less and less like we were a team. It got so hard trying to get him to help me with anything so I just stopped asking him to do anything and started taking on everything myself.

• He is very wrapped up in his work and his hobbies. He often goes out or locks himself in his office so I just ended up feeling very lonely.

• Sex life dwindled. I started to notice that I could never initiate, he was only interested if he was starting things which wasn't very often.

When I tried to end things, he was absolutely distraught and begged me to give him another chance. He took responsibility for everything and booked us into counselling and has been making a real effort since. I've been very cagey but was just starting to have more faith in the relationship when last night happened!

We were having drinks with some friends (all couples) when the guys started talking about a cycling holiday they had been planning abroad. I knew nothing about this. The next thing I know, one of them has their iPhone out and they have booked flights for a 10 day trip in a few months time.

I'm just so hurt by the whole thing. We haven't had a holiday together for over 2 years because he can't leave his business and we haven't had the money.

We were just starting to get things back on track and now I don't know what to think. I told him very calmly this morning that I was upset he hadn't discussed this with me first and he apologised and said he got carried away because he'd had a few beers.

What do people think - AIBU or is this unacceptable? Is this a 'last straw' action because it kind of feels like one to me?

Thanks if you made it to the end!

You need proper legal advice asap.

Spousal maintenance is highly unlikely in your situation tbh.

If you're in counselling I'd raise it at the next meeting. I'd also let him take the holiday and take leave at the same time to meet with the bank, solicitor etc. Is he paying for the holiday from your 'joint' money?

I would be furious if this happened in my relationship and it would be a deal breaker - not just because I wasn't in cloves in the decision or hurt that we hadn't been on holiday together but the lack of financial awareness. It's just selfish & it sounds as though that is embedded into him and won't change.

You are young and have plenty of time to find the right person to have children with. As an outsider this isn't the one for you!

Involved not in cloves 😆

Any advice? ...I think you'd be an absolute fool to stay with him, and that's before considering any future children. I do honestly know that at 32 you feel like time isn't on your side, but actually it is. I really regret some decisions I made at your age due to feeling like that (I'm mid 40's now). Please don't do the same. You really do have time to meet someone else & have a family (if that's what you want).

Of course he's not all bad, people seldom are, but there are plenty of men out there who are better - who won't put you in this position, they'll still make you laugh, they'll be good to talk to and they'll want a good, healthy, sex life with you. You won't be lonely inside your relationship. You'll be alone for a bit, but that's not a bad thing, being alone is FAR better than being lonely in a relationship.

He has made himself financially dependant on you, you haven't asked him to, nor has he done it to benefit you in any way (such as being a stay at home Dad). So you're financially supporting another adult who has chosen to be self employed - it's not as if he was made redundant or an accident/illness meant he had to change his job. He then has the fucking nerve to complain that he's pissed off that you're reigning in his spending'. WTAF?

He's not bringing in enough money to be equally financially responsible, you haven't had a holiday together in two years because you can't afford it and he won't go. That's bad enough, but for him to then book a holiday with mates...another WTAF?

You're YOUNG. Get the fuck,out and get on with your life. Get a shit hot lawyer and get as much of the house as you can you have been paying the mortgage while he pisses about being self employed without your blessing. Fuck that.

You don't have to 'get him to move out'. The lawyer will tell you how to best proceed, but it'll work itself out.

Go and don't look back.

Who is paying for these flights?

If he's sorry and has got carried away, then he can now make amends and cancel the holiday.

I strongly suspect he knew you wouldn't agree so engineered this conversation with friends and drinks so he could say afterwards 'sorry, I got carried away'.

How much a month does he bring in compared to you (half? Quarter?). He sounds like a teenager.

What's happening about the holiday now?

You won't pay spousal maintenance.
You have no children and he hasn't given up a career while you've been together for anything other than his own reasons.
So don't worry about that.
But in your situation, I would get legal advice.
How much has he contributed to the house?
Deposit?
Mortgage payments?
Bill payments?
It might be better for you to have a clean break.
Sell the house, split the proceeds (solicitor will tell you how, more in your favour if you have contributed a lot more) then get your own new place and leave him to sort himself out.
He's what we call a cocklodger, unfortunately he's not even living up to the 'cock' part of the word in this case, other than he is behaving like one!
You know what to do.
So find a solicitor first and then take it from there.

I don't want to just kick him out as I feel terrible about walking away from my commitments already. Plus as mentioned, he's somewhat financially dependent on me. Any advice?

Yes-tell him you've had enough of his lazy, cock lodging behaviour and you want him to leave.

You could be so much happier. You should be. And with regard to age, I didn't meet my partner until I was 35 and just had my first baby at 39. 32 is still so so young, don't waste your next years

What commitments would you be walking away from splitting up with this man child? Supporting him? Well he's a big boy and
Will have to support himself.
You cannot stay in a relationship just because you think you need to support someone.
You have 2 choices

• get out now whilst you are still young. Be financially able to have a child. Eventually be someone that respects you and wants to be in a partnership and equals.
• Spend the next 40 years financially supporting and doing everything for this person. Working and not having enough for your own holidays but paying for his as he gets caught up in the moment each time. To cut maternity leave short because he won't man up and be a parent. Although if he isn't having sex with you, how would pregnancy happen?

And... As he locks himself in his office and is off sex, I would imagine he's a porn hound with 'death grip' issues.
Can you check his internet history?

Sorry but what is he bringing to your life, I can see what he gets from you, money, a cushy life, there's something really distasteful about a man sponging off a woman and he's expecting you to pay for his jaunts away, eh no, I don't think so; I think you have been far too tolerate and he is now taking the complete piss.

Get legal advice pronto.

I am SO glad you don't have children with this loser. Get the hell out of this relationship, OP, while you can. He's a lazy, selfish, inconsiderate man. And, btw, there's no way he's working in that office - he's wanking.

Thanks for all the replies, so grateful for the support and advice

There were quite a few questions so I'll try and clarify:

I can't really describe DH as lazy, he works hard at his business - it just hasn't translated into good money or a healthy work/life balance. When I talked to him about it, he says he only wanted to do the business to gain financial freedom for us and he's doing it all for me. I believe he has some good intentions but a lot of it is to do with his ego as well.

In terms of the house, he possibly put more into the deposit than me but it's hard to say. It was joint savings from over 8 years which started with money he got from selling a house he previously owned. Money wise, his salary is about 60% of mine. The problem is that he can't always pay himself so he only got paid 8 months out of 12 in 2016 which would reduce that 60% figure significantly. And yes, the holiday is being paid for with joint money!

Looking back, I think he's carved out a nice little life for himself where he doesn't have to answer to anyone at work, can fall back on me if he can't get paid and he can do his hobbies as he pleases. It's probably my fault because I've let him talk me into it and just gone along with it to make him happy.

I think I'll seek some legal advice to see where I stand. Just hope I can find the strength to make a decision and move forward with my life. It all seems impossible right now!

LOL about the wanking suggestions! I see where you're coming from but I really don't think he's doing that a lot . . . I think he may have the opposite problem

Has he cancelled the holiday?

No, the holiday is still going ahead. We haven't discussed cancelling it.

Oh right. Blimey-that would have been a line crossed for me. Good luck.

When he's paying half of everything at home and on top of that saves enough for his holiday, then he can go.

Bloody hell I'd have ended in long ago, but certainly over the holiday that you're paying for!!

I hope you can find the strength too. I know it's hard, I know you still love the good bits of him, I know it's hard to think of him with someone else...but I can promise you, there's far better out there. You only get one shot at this life, don't spend it like this 💐

We haven't discussed cancelling it.

I really don't understand why not? You're pissed off enough to post on here but not enough to actually discuss cancelling?

You will both need the money, so you need to cancel the holiday.

Are you a registered charity OP? It will get a lot worse when you have children so think very carefully. Good luck

He's already acknowledged that it was irresponsible to book the holiday as he "got carried away". It was disrespectful to you, and also presents a practical problem of paying for it.

I would tell him this feels like the last straw. The very least he can do is cancel the holiday. If he doesn't then I'd split up, without doubt.

You already have a child, not the cute version that has the potential to grow and mature, but a man baby you're currently parenting enabling.

Get legal advice and start planning your future instead of digging yourself deeper into a relationship that hasn't worked for you in a very long time.

Stop prioritising someone who sees consulting you on major decisions as an option he'd rather not take. Let 2017 be the year you start prioritising happiness and fulfilment.

Leave right now.

You want a baby. You are in the prime of your fertile years and now is the time. You would seriously regret having a child with this man.

How will you manage for money on maternity leave?
How will you pay for childcare and all the things children need if he can't pay himself for a quarter of the year?
Is he really going to step up to looking after DC if he can't even put the bins out once in a while?

And all that's if he even deigns to have sex with you so that you can have a child! (Is he actually off sex because he knows that you want a baby and that this will spoil his cushy set up)

He will need a personality transplant not a few counselling sessions before he will make a good life partner and father to your future DC

I was already pregnant when ex DP lost his job and started his 'own business'. As you say it theoretically had the advantage of freedom and flexibility but at the major expense of not actually making any money.

For years I waited for it to come right working my ass off to bring in money whilst caring for DC as he never had time. No holidays ever without his laptop. Happy to just pay himself less if the business had a cash flow problem but never acknowledging the impact on me and DC.

Gradually it dawned on me that whilst he is good at the mechanics of the job he has no business acumen at all and he was NEVER going to make any money. He was putting in a lot of time and effort but he had no clue how to make it pay. He refused to give up and get a job as he actually thought he was doing OK. He was angry and insulted at my lack of faith and got his mum to tell me off!

It was me who went part time at work to care for DC even though it made no financial sense. When he was finally persuaded to do 1 day childcare because we needed the extra money my salary could bring and couldn't afford to pay a childminder he was a total martyr about it 'how can he possibly run a business in 4 days a week?'

I used to love him but it eroded all the respect I had for him.
That's why he's ex DH
Now I have to give him half our assets (I am trying to fight off demands for spousal maintenance) and it feels like I'm getting screwed all over again.

So, as I said
Leave right now