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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex in laws

91 replies

Lifeisabloodysoap · 08/01/2017 18:57

Hey everyone not been here in a while!

Anyways just kinda looking for a hand holding!
My ex left a year ago and it's been a bloody hard year! Through giving birth and battles with him over the house we both own together. So anyways I have managed to get a mortgage for the house on my own.( smug face it's the icing on the cake). But my ex's parents gave us a little bit of money as a gift (5000). We put the rest towards the house. They are now asking for the 5000 back I can't get any extra money and can't afford to get a loan. Me and the kids have been living in the house me paying the all the bills etc etc. So now they are coming over to my house tomorrow to discuss it :( he wants his name off the mortgage which is fair enough.
I don't know why I'm putting this online I think more just to get it out of me as I'm terrified

OP posts:
Mouikey · 08/01/2017 21:56

So the wording of the letter confirms it is a gift therefore not returnable and certainly not by you. If they had concerns about the money they could have asked you to sign a legal agreement to clarify what would happen in the event of a divorce/separation. I have done this with my husband with regards to some money given to us by his parents. The agreement is clear that if we separate then x amount of money is returned to my hubby from the sale of the house.

They do not have a leg to stand on and are likely to try and bully you. Do not sign anything and do not agree to anything. If you are buying your exh out of the house he can pay them back if he so chooses.

Fishface77 · 08/01/2017 21:58

I would also cancel the visit.
I wonder however what would happen if he refuses to allow you to take over the mortgage?
Stop trying to buy their attention for your kids. Fuck em it's their loss!

Montane50 · 08/01/2017 22:24

Fishface if he refuses to sign, the mortgage will stay as it is. In joint names, and when your fixed rate comes to an end, if he refuses to come off the mortgage, and refuses to sign into another fixed rate-you'd go onto the variable rate (higher %), i work for a mortgage company and see this happening daily.
Your best bet would be to use delaying tactics before you tell the ILS to get stuffed (its a gifted deposit so they can't have it back), but your priority is getting his name removed. Or plan b would be to sell and buy a new house in your sole name.

ChuckSnowballs · 08/01/2017 22:28

If you don't want to cancel the visit, tell them you will set something up once the mortgage is transferred as all your funds are there right now, then once that is finalised and completed, miraculously find the original statement that it was a gift and refer them to their son.

Original poster
Lifeisabloodysoap · 08/01/2017 22:40

He already refused to sign a new mortgage meaning I am on a variable rate paying over 100 extra a month than I was before. It's hit me hard with the money having to return to work early from mat leave.

I have said to my ex that when me and the kids sell and move. Which I would like to do in max 4 years. Once I can return to work full time.( when both kids start school) then I would give him his half of the deposit back. But he's not happy waiting!
Ironically the cat that he and the ow are using I've paid bloody 3000 towards but I'm not asking for that back or causing any drama over it cause for all I care I get his name off the mortgage and never have to deal with him again. Until he crawls out of the woodwork for the kids at some point x

OP posts:
Greypaw · 08/01/2017 22:55

I'd be tempted to do what chucksnowballs says, somehow levereaging the £5000 to get what you want. Something like "I've got no money to repay you with now and would have to remortgage to do so, so as soon as I've got the letter from ex and the mortgage is in my name, I'll be able to look at it, but not before". Or "I'll have to sell the house to get the deposit money back". Then when everythings in your name, just give them back their toilet seat instead Grin.

Sounds like ex is withholding the letter till you pay up. But if you say you can't pay up till you have the new mortgage, that should undermine that particular strategy.

Does he care about his credit rating? Can you use that as a way to encourage him not to delay giving you the letter?

Montane50 · 09/01/2017 00:45

Why don't you cut your losses and sell now rather than wait? If made to do that i must say theres no way id be giving the ils there deposit back though

TatianaLarina · 09/01/2017 01:20

Moving is very expensive so best avoided in this situation unless absolutely necessary.

KickAssAngel · 09/01/2017 01:33

Can you just be out tomorrow?

Decide on your strategy (either - you'll look into once you get the letter from ex, or just a straight up no) then put that in writing. Tell them if they have a problem with that then they can contact a solicitor to find out their legal position.

This is NOT their money. Just block them as much as possible and avoid as much as possible.

If ex wants his half of the equity, then that can be sorted through the divorce - often it gets repaid (with interest) once the youngest child is 18.

Their finances are nothing to do with you, so don't get caught up in their business. Say no, keep yourself safe, and just avoid/block as necessary.

OzzieFem · 09/01/2017 05:07

When they gave us it they had to write a letter and sign it for the mortgage company to say they have no financial ties to the property.

It was a gift. You owe them nothing. If they try to browbeat you into agreeing to repay them in any way, or form tell them you will call the police and charge them with harassment.

PollytheDolly · 09/01/2017 05:30

The outlaws sound awful.

You sorted a financial order out? Clean break from the lot of them then move forward with your life.

Shithouses Angry

Fishface77 · 09/01/2017 08:00

Excellant advice from montane.
Listen to people who have experience and wisdom op.
I'd like you to tell them to fuck of but that would probably be the worst advice possible. Play the long game.

Original poster
Lifeisabloodysoap · 09/01/2017 09:07

Thanks everyone :) for the person that suggested just pack up and sell I really can't. I can't afford to sell nor can i afford to rewire my house (there is no earth cable in the house currently and hasn't been for 20 years) the survey picked up on this and I was informed that until it is dealt with in wouldn't be allowed to sell.
I have not heard from his parents today as of yet!

OP posts:
Tenshidarkangel · 09/01/2017 11:22

You owe them nothing. If they have confirmed gifting they signed a legal document stating that.
www.samconveyancing.co.uk/news/conveyancing/gifted-deposit-3-things-you-must-do-when-gifting-a-deposit-136
Secondly, tell them and your Ex to do one and stop trying to do the right thing by them. Look after you and yours. If they can't be bothered that's on them.

sunshinemeg · 09/01/2017 18:20

Did they show up today? I've been thinking of you

Blossomdeary · 09/01/2017 18:22

You do not have to meet them - simple as that.

It is a shame that they are not trying to continue a relationship with their GC - their loss. Very silly.

Ellisandra · 09/01/2017 18:30

You could tell them to fuck off, it's a gift.

If you find that directness hard, then you could stall by telling them that you spoke to your solicitor and that "I'm not allowed to transfer any money related to the marriage until the financial side is signed off with your son". Not true, but play dumb. And actually though you are 'allowed' it wouldn't be advisable.

And as for the £3000 you paid towards the car? No love, don't just forget about it. Sort out your financial separation with a solicitor and make sure that's included as a marital asset.

mya83 · 09/01/2017 18:31

.

SVJAA · 09/01/2017 18:38

The wording of the letter was we (there name) give the gift of 5000 to (our names) as part of their deposit. We have no financial ties to the property then they signed it
They can't touch that money and have no claim on it. I'd cancel the visit. If they're that desperate they can get it back from their son.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 09/01/2017 18:44

It was a GIFT!

Why are you even entertaining this bull shit?

Ellisandra · 09/01/2017 18:46

Come up with a sentence that you feel most comfortable with. Even if that's still hard! But find the best (short!) line for you.
It doesn't have to be a detailed reason (though the law is on your side!) and certainly doesn't have to include an apology.

"No, I can't repay it, it was a gift"
(won't better than can't, but you may not be comfortable with that.

Once you've got your line, practise it - seriously, in front of a mirror!

Then stick to it.

PostTruthEra · 09/01/2017 18:56

I have no advice other than stop all contact with your ex PIL and chat with your solicitor. If they gifted it and signed a letter saying so, you do not owe them anything.

Sounds like your ex is an arse from a family of arses!

RoseOfSharyn · 09/01/2017 19:45

Been lurking but just wanted to see how you are OP.

Hope you told the sneaky greedy bastard where to go.

Livelovebehappy · 09/01/2017 19:59

I can see from your last post why you have to discuss it with them if you need your ex's written authority to allow you to take over the mortgage. But at worst you only have to repay £2500. The other half should be paid back to them by their son. Their son has probably fed them a lot of crap about the separation etc, and this is their revenge. I guess you could just say to them that you don't intend paying it back, and call their bluff by suggesting to them if they want to take it further, then they should do it via legal channels. They may feel it's not worth the time and hassle to do that, so may back off.

Original poster
Lifeisabloodysoap · 09/01/2017 21:06

Hey everyone so they have just left!

My mum showed up because she didn't want me doing it on my own! So anyways she originally asked for me to pay my ex back 50 a month. I told her I can't afford that at all! I said that when I sell the property (whenever that may be) I will give him his half of the deposit. She said she thinks that's fair( I made it seem like I was selling in tbe next few years)
She then also asked if I would "allow" him to be in tbe kids life's again. This hurt me I have never stopped him I just need stability for my kids. It would also have to be in my house to start with as he's not seen them for a year met his daughter twice and until the kids are comfortable with him then that's te way it would be. She didn't seem to like that.

OP posts: