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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I fall back in love with my husband and move on?.....

51 replies

Somersetgal48 · 05/01/2017 18:55

Can someone please tell me how to fall back in love with my husband? I've been so stupid and am now paying the price. I've been involved with someone else for roughly seven years now. When it began I was in a difficult place feeling unappreciated and lonely. I didn't want it to happen but I let it. I was so weak and vulnerable to everything he put before me, which I am ashamed about. And how I grew to love him. We survived all kinds of difficulties but to cut a long story short it's now over. He's moved on to someone else - serial cheater obviously - which I naively thought wouldn't happen. He's telling her all the things he told me and it won't be long before she's in deep too. I can access some of his messages so know whats going on altho he doesn't realise this. He still thinks I think we are still on! I know the way he operates obviously. I am so very very angry with myself. It's a very difficult situation but now I am left with a marriage which altho not unbearable (in a serious sense) is actually quite dead. I feel nothing. My heart is breaking and grieving for what I have lost that I should never have had in the first place. I cannot bring myself to summon any feelings for my marriage/husband. But I feel that I need to because I 'owe' him. He doesn't know about my relationship and I'd like to keep it that way. Yes I know I'll be flamed. Yes I've gotten what I deserve in many peoples eyes. I just want to try to be normal now tho I feel like I'll never be normal again. My head is in a turmoil and I can't sleep, eat or get on with anything, whilst trying to maintain some semblance of everything is ok. I really need to talk it over with someone but have no one I could confide in. I want to move on and forget the OM altho I know it'll be the biggest struggle of my life so far. What can I do to repair my feelings for DH? The biggest problem is that I have never felt passionate about him anyway (complicated history) . I'm not wanting sympathy. It sounds like 'poor me' - I know people will not be on my side - but it is what it is and I can't change it now however much I'd like to.

OP posts:

coccolocco · 05/01/2017 19:03

I'm so sorry to read that you are struggling. It is a very difficult and hard time for you. Is divorcing your husband an option for you?

jeaux90 · 05/01/2017 19:03

It's sounds like you moved on from the marriage years ago. You said you feel nothing. Probably time to call it a day and separate.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/01/2017 19:04

Don't be silly. You can't make yourself fall in love with someone. If it's dead it's dead.

You say you 'owe' your husband the gift of having you. No. You are not that special. He is owed a chance at happiness. He is owed a chance at finding a faithful partner. The best thing you can do is set him free.

You don't have to mention the affair, you can just tell him you don't love him any more, which is true.

Why not get yourself a counsellor to talk to?

Greenfingeredfun · 05/01/2017 19:07

No advice I'm afraid, but I'm not sure you can grow to love someone again. Maybe look at taking some time apart? I really hope it all works out for you.

ReadySteadyNo · 05/01/2017 19:08

It really sounds like your marriage has been over for some time. From what you have written here it really seems like you need to leave and to spend some time on your own.

whattheactualflump · 05/01/2017 19:30

Why would people hope it works out for OP? If this was a reverse and the husband had been fucking about with someone else for 7 years and only ended the relationship because the OW was now fucking someone else AND was pining for the OW, would you all tell the wife that you were sorry for him, hoped they could work it out despite knowing he doesn't love her, she is just a fallback he has no respect for? On MN I am convinced there would be a string of LTB's! Why the double standards, it is appalling behaviour!

Your poor husband! You should let him go & perhaps he will find someone honest and faithful who actually loves him. He has already unknowingly wasted the last seven years whilst you've been shagging someone else behind his back, which is unforgivable - do something decent for a change and tell him the truth, leave him & let him get on with his life. Stop being so self-pitying whilst you are at it, you are responsible for your choices in life and frankly the way you are feeling right now is exactly what you deserve.

FatOldBag · 05/01/2017 19:39

You're dumping OM for cheating on you? But you want to remain with a partner who you've cheated on for 7 years? Even though you clearly don't love or respect him. Why?! Just end it. You've already wasted 7 years of his life, that's not fair. Just tell him you don't love him any more so both of you can move on with your lives.

Angleshades · 05/01/2017 19:43

I too think you should leave your dh. I think there is too much water under the bridge for you to be able to build a mutually satisfying relationship with your dh again.

Your affair went on for a long time. Did you not consider leaving your husband to be with your affair partner? Or is he married too?

clumsyduck · 05/01/2017 19:46

Exactly whatthe

7 years is a very long time not like a one of mistake is it !! Sounds like your marriage is over . Give both of you a chance at happiness and move on!!

Emmageddon · 05/01/2017 19:54

If your other man hadn't moved on, presumably you would still be seeing him and not thinking of your husband at all. Are their children involved in this mess? I agree with the other posters, give your husband the freedom to find someone to love and cherish him, and get divorced, citing your adultery. You can't 'fall in love' on command, life isn't that simple.

Pinotwoman82 · 05/01/2017 20:00

How I wonder has your poor DH managed to put up with you for seven years?

JerryFerry · 05/01/2017 20:03

Your poor husband, what a lousy partner you've been. High time to show him a little respect by getting a divorce.

You sound deeply deceitful, from the lying and cheating to the delving through other people's messages. You are not in a fit state to be in a relationship. You need to be alone and do some hard work on yourself, examine your values and generally learn to treat others with respect. You will never be happy in a relationship until you can do this.

offside · 05/01/2017 20:09

I hope there are no children involved in this as you will have been lying to them also and probably depriving them of a loving family they deserve.

Do your DH a favour and divorce him.

coccolocco · 05/01/2017 21:04

I do feel sorry for the OP. She is clearly suffering. She is unhappy, i can only imagine that being in a loveless marriage has been difficult for her and having an affair although to some seems very selfish was probably a cry for attention and love.
I accept she should have left her husband before however, we don't know what has gone on in her marriage, her situation, her loneliness. I don't believe she wanted to intentionally hurt her husband who would? Unless you are a very cruel person, perhaps that's why she has stayed with her husband for so long.
I would write the same if it was a husband who had posted this.

redexpat · 05/01/2017 21:33

Did you ever love your dh, or was it more that you met someone who you rubbed along nicely with, and just went with the expectation?

Did you ever try and address the state of your marriage with your dh?

I'm going against the grain and saying that yes you can fall in love with someone again. I'm not sure that you will ever be able to have a good relationship with someone when youre not being entirely honest.

Why dont you want him to know? Because you dont want to hurt him? Because youre ashamed? Because youre worried about the consequences?

You could try the marriage course to fall back in love. You could also have some time apart.

Patriciathestripper1 · 05/01/2017 21:43

No wonder your marriage Is dead you didn't put any effort into it whilst you were fucking someone else.
I'm sorry for your husband who has wasted his time with a cheat when he could have been with someone who loves him.
Get over yourself. Your poor husband will feel like you when he finds out what you did, and it will come out eventually, it always does and I feel for the poor man when it does.

SandyY2K · 05/01/2017 21:48

Why isn't leaving your marriage an option? Surely you and your DH deserve the chance for real love. Life's too short. Don't stay in a dead marriage, as you're not doing anyone any favours.

I'll send you a link via PM that you might find helpful. Others there have been in your shoes.

HappyJanuary · 05/01/2017 21:51

I'm struggling to feel any sympathy, since it is a mess of op's own making and was quite obviously always going to end this way.

Presumably op was not overly concerned about any distress her dh might have felt if he'd discovered the affair, or any sadness he might have experienced over the past 7 years while his wife became increasingly emotionally distant.

Had she put as much energy into saving her marriage, it might have been in a healthy place now.

Had she put as much energy into separating from her dh, he might be happily moved on by now.

Posters suggesting the poor lamb only fucked another man for 7 years because of her unhappy marriage need to give their heads a wobble.

It looks like karma to me. Except now her dh is supposed to endure her grieving and pining for another man, he doesn't deserve that.

WhooooAmI24601 · 05/01/2017 21:55

You can't fall back in love with someone you've spey seven years crapping on. He deserves chance to move on, you need to get a fresh start and sort your head out, nobody will ever really be happy muddling through with half-truths and sob stories.

I'm not judging you; it's not my place. But for your own sanity, be alone for a while til you're ready not to cheat. It's no way to live and no way to love.

gamerchick · 05/01/2017 21:57

Well I clicked on wanting to help but there's no going back from that OP. Your marriage is over.

As a PP said, your husband doesn't deserve to see you grieving for this other man not having a clue what's wrong. It's not fair.

Do the right thing, let your bloke go so he can find someone who wants to be with him 100%. That's what you owe him.

mineofuselessinformation · 05/01/2017 22:09

I spent far too many years of my life 'second best' to someone else - only I didn't know that was what it was for a long time.
Step back and have a long hard think about how you would feel if the situation was in reverse.
You're now trying to 'make do' only because you've been dumped.
That's really not fair if you actually care about the other person at all.
Time to take stock of your life I think.

Fumbledore · 05/01/2017 22:17

Are you my ex wife?

NYConcreteJungle · 05/01/2017 22:21

Please set your DH free.

tribpot · 05/01/2017 22:22

So just to be clear, 7 years ago you could have dealt with the problems in your marriage but instead you chose the easier (for you) path of cheating on him? And now, you could deal with the problems in your marriage but instead you want to choose the easier (for you) path of staying married and continuing to deceive him about the past cheating?

Maybe it's time to step up, stop taking the path of least resistance, own your mistakes and be honest with him so that he can move on.

TheNaze73 · 05/01/2017 23:13

Are you actually serious???

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