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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I fall back in love with my husband and move on?.....

51 replies

Somersetgal48 · 05/01/2017 18:55

Can someone please tell me how to fall back in love with my husband? I've been so stupid and am now paying the price. I've been involved with someone else for roughly seven years now. When it began I was in a difficult place feeling unappreciated and lonely. I didn't want it to happen but I let it. I was so weak and vulnerable to everything he put before me, which I am ashamed about. And how I grew to love him. We survived all kinds of difficulties but to cut a long story short it's now over. He's moved on to someone else - serial cheater obviously - which I naively thought wouldn't happen. He's telling her all the things he told me and it won't be long before she's in deep too. I can access some of his messages so know whats going on altho he doesn't realise this. He still thinks I think we are still on! I know the way he operates obviously. I am so very very angry with myself. It's a very difficult situation but now I am left with a marriage which altho not unbearable (in a serious sense) is actually quite dead. I feel nothing. My heart is breaking and grieving for what I have lost that I should never have had in the first place. I cannot bring myself to summon any feelings for my marriage/husband. But I feel that I need to because I 'owe' him. He doesn't know about my relationship and I'd like to keep it that way. Yes I know I'll be flamed. Yes I've gotten what I deserve in many peoples eyes. I just want to try to be normal now tho I feel like I'll never be normal again. My head is in a turmoil and I can't sleep, eat or get on with anything, whilst trying to maintain some semblance of everything is ok. I really need to talk it over with someone but have no one I could confide in. I want to move on and forget the OM altho I know it'll be the biggest struggle of my life so far. What can I do to repair my feelings for DH? The biggest problem is that I have never felt passionate about him anyway (complicated history) . I'm not wanting sympathy. It sounds like 'poor me' - I know people will not be on my side - but it is what it is and I can't change it now however much I'd like to.

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 05/01/2017 23:19

I think divorce is the only answer here.

You've deceived your husband for years. This m.o. is really very shabby and I reckon you should spend some time exploring why you felt it a reasonable way to behave.

Then after that maybe you'll find happiness with someone else who isn't a creepy liar.

HTH.

EggnoggAndMulledWine · 05/01/2017 23:25

You don't owe him you 'trying' to love him. You owe him a bit of honesty and to leave him so he can find someone that really truly loves him and feels about him the way you did your other man. He only has one life, do you not think he deserves to have someone truly in love and who feels passionate about him.

LouisvilleLlama · 05/01/2017 23:39

Holy Fuck I'm sorry can't feel sorry for OP, in a way glad it's happened 7 years staying with someone stringing them a long not being at all engaged with the DH probably thinking he was doing something wrong.

Hard to mourn a relationship she shouldn't have been in with and was hurting someone else

DistanceCall · 06/01/2017 00:24

So you want to fall back in love with your husband now that you found out that your lover is a sleazebag. Nice.

No, sorry. Do the right thing and get a divorce. Your husband deserves to be with someone who actually loves him.

DistanceCall · 06/01/2017 00:25

The biggest problem is that I have never felt passionate about him anyway

You shouldn't have married him then. You have been lying to your husband (and possibly to yourself) from the beginning. There is no possible solution to this other than to divorce.

anxiousnow · 06/01/2017 00:36

Your poor H. You are only feeling you 'owe' him now after your affair is over through your OM cheating?! Are there children involved?

coccolocco · 06/01/2017 06:39

I was for not one moment suggesting that what the OP has done is not morally wrong. Anyone with two brain cells will understand that. However, she has done it and it has been seven years. I just feel like as a previous poster commented that it's not our place to judge her, we don't know her history or life's journey that took her to that place.
It's just that some peoples 'delivery' on here can be very cruel as though they want to personally punish the OP and see her hung! She has clearly written her message to receive some level of support and so if anyone actually cared about her husband i feel that they should encourage her sympathetically not abusively to do the right thing....Just my opinion.

Treaclex · 06/01/2017 06:52

If there was no love in the first place and you've been cheating for 7 years you need to free your husband that is the kindest thing to do as you clearly never grew to love him there's no way you'll be able to do that now

ACD123 · 06/01/2017 06:55

After this long it's over. You won't be able to. You need to accept that and take steps to end it. If you won't do that then you need to tell your husband the truth and let him make the decision.

Ehlana · 06/01/2017 06:58

Great post whattheactualflump.

ElspethFlashman · 06/01/2017 07:02

7 years?

7 years??!

No wonder your marriage is dead.

Why on earth do you even want to salvage anything? Scared of being alone?

Adora10 · 06/01/2017 12:30

Feel sorry for the OP, why on earth, yeah reward disgusting behaviour.

OP, please leave your husband, you've lied and cheated on him for 7 years, let him go find someone who can commit, you clearly are incapable, for whatever reason.

Just get on with you life and stop dragging another human being alongside you.

As for your OM, quell surprise; you knew he was morally bankrupt when you took up with him so what did you expect to happen.

Be by yourself and work out why any man is better than being on your own.

Tenshidarkangel · 06/01/2017 13:25

Why would people hope it works out for OP? If this was a reverse and the husband had been fucking about with someone else for 7 years and only ended the relationship because the OW was now fucking someone else AND was pining for the OW, would you all tell the wife that you were sorry for him, hoped they could work it out despite knowing he doesn't love her, she is just a fallback he has no respect for? On MN I am convinced there would be a string of LTB's! Why the double standards, it is appalling behaviour!

This.
Leave him so he can find the happiness HE deserves after unknowingly being with a cheat who sees him as a 2nd best and has done this for several years.
Pull up your big girl pants and stop being cruel to your husband and deal with your mistake. The only reason you want to work it out is because the one you actually wanted left you. The fact you still check his messages is very telling.

chipmonkey · 06/01/2017 14:13

Somerset, you can't make yourself fall in love with someone.
Why did you marry your dh? Not asking in a judgy way, btw, just wondering about the dynamic of your relationship. Do you feel you "settled" for someone who could provide you with marriage/kids but that you didn't really fancy? Or did you genuinely love him.
I also wonder if you are a bit addicted to the idea or feeling of being "in love"? When I first met my dh, I fell "in love" with him but that besotted feeling didn't continue through the marriage. It was replaced by a deeper but less passionate feeling based on friendship. Not that we didn't fancy each other still but it wasn't that crazy love we had at the beginning. I did occasionally have crushes on other people and I think he might have done too but we didn't act on them, firstly because cheating is wrong but also because we knew that that "crush" feeling is only just that and that it isn't the basis for a long term relationship.

I suppose what you need to ask yourself is, do you love your husband? Is he your best friend? Is he a nice guy?
And if he is, can you now stay faithful? Or will you always at the back of your mind be waiting for someone else to show up ? Because you can't cheat and still be fully invested in a marriage.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 06/01/2017 16:25

Its over, let him go so that you can both be happy

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 06/01/2017 16:29

This

You have been having sex with someone else behind your DH back for 7 years

He should divorce you and find happiness with some that doesn't lie and cheat on him.

MyChocolateJacuzzi · 06/01/2017 16:53

How do people have affairs for so long without the partner finding out? It truly makes my mind boggle! My next door neighbour has been shagging a married woman for at least 6 years, I feel so sorry for her husband, I itch to tell him but it's not my story to tell.
Op you need to leave your husband, your obviously not happy in your marriage, you need to be honest with him. Marriages should be based on mutual respect, honesty and love. Doesn't sound like your marriage has any of those things. Time to move on. How long have you been married?

amanda5434 · 02/09/2017 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Chloe421 · 03/09/2017 09:06

I'm with pp and think the most respectful thing you can do is tell your dh that you want a divorce. You do not have to tell him about your long term infidelity, just that you no longer love him and cant give him what he deserves. Regardless of your behaviour in this marriage, moving forward you both deserve a chance at happiness.

PaganGoddessBrigid · 03/09/2017 09:16

I'm not married so different take here but I can't believe your husband knew you didn't feel passionately about him, I can't believe he didn't notice you weren't that in to him for seven years.

I'd say he's terrified of being alone as well.

It's like you and your H don't even know each other.

EternalOptimistToo · 03/09/2017 09:17

What you owe your DH is to be honest about how dead the marriage is.
I do not believe that he isn't aware TBH.

And you owe to yourself to quit this marriage that isn't good for you either.

Fwiw you can try and 'make yourself' love your DH again.
It will require a hell of a lot work from you (esp seeing the circumstances) and some input from him too (the relationhsip clearky has some issues anyway).
The problem is, if you don't sort out the issues within the marriage too, all your efforts will be wasted because they will make you ressentful anyway.
And that's before starting to talk about the fact your marriage would then be built on lies and deceit.
From experience, don't bother trying to fall in love with him etc... it's not going to work.

Dadaist · 03/09/2017 10:38

I think SEVEN years of infidelity is pretty grotesque. You don't mention children- but why stay married so long? Your capacity for cruelty makes it hard to find compassion really.

Paperdoll16 · 03/09/2017 10:45

Can someone tell me how to fall back in love with my husband?

What because your lover left you?

You deserve to wallow in self pity and guilt. I'm glad you've had your just desserts.

Just awful. Truly awful.

PacificDogwod · 03/09/2017 10:50

Do your husband the favour and leave.
Seek help for your issues.

user1480334601 · 03/09/2017 11:05

This thread is 8 months old.

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