I've been doing a lot of reading recently and I'm pretty certain that my mother is narcissistic. What she has always said about herself is that she's extremely introverted, anxious, unlucky and a very nice person who has made a lot of sacrifices.
What it's really been like...she acts as if she is superior to EVERYBODY. Whole groups of people are generalised about, for example all teachers are idiots. She is preoccupied with class and looks down on anybody she considers lower class than her, using pretty dreadful terms. She despises anybody upper class too. She dislikes strangers, neighbours, attractive women, people on TV.
She is always right and cannot take any form of disagreement or criticism. Even gentle banter will upset her. As a child/teen I used to stand up to her, but this just got me labelled as a difficult, horrible person. She regularly told me that I was mentally ill and that she thought I was schizophrenic (I'm not). I realise now that I was the classic scapegoat. As an adult I've learnt to deal with her by just tiptoeing around her, agreeing with her, massaging her ego, walking on eggshells. If I were to challenge her on anything she'd start having a panic attack.
She is an absolute victim who believes she has it worse than anybody else, ever. She talks constantly about her health problems (which I'm sure are real but none of which are serious.) Phrases I grew up hearing, thousands of times - "the gods have got it in for me", "somebody has put a curse on me", "I won't make old bones". Things which other people would regard as an inconvenient yet normal part of life, such an appliance breaking, she seemingly can't cope with. She won't look forward to holidays or christmas because she's convinced she'll be ill.
Everything is about her. When I ring her (and it's always that way round, she never rings me) the entire conversation revolves around her health and problems. If I were to ring her tomorrow and tell her I was getting divorced, I know exactly what her reaction would be. She can't cope with this right now. Why is this happening to her.
I realise that I am constantly seeking her approval. When I book holidays, buy furniture, clothes, change my hair - lots of things - I'm hoping that she will approve of my choices. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. She often turns her nose up at things, such as what I cook. I can only imagine the absolute shitstorm if I did the same. An ironic one recently was about my house. I always make sure it's super clean and tidy when she comes round. She told me disdainfully that it's like a showhome and clearly I have too much time on my hands! I can't win.
Not that she comes round often, I'm usually the one to do the running. She's always too busy or too stressed. A phone call will often start with her huffing that she can't talk for long. There's always this feeling that there's something more important than me. If she's going on holiday in the coming fortnight, or has an appointment in the coming week, she cannot see me at all. It's too stressful for her. If I were to question this (I don't) I would be told that I don't understand.
My dad I think has been the enabler. As a teen, if I stood up to her, he would come and be very nice to me but urge me to go and apologise. He would acknowledge that I might not have done anything wrong, but this was the way it had to be. I think he is scared of her wrath and will do anything to keep the peace.
Perhaps unusually from what I've read, I have a good relationship with my siblings as adults. I don't think I could talk to them about any of this though as I suspect they would just defend her.
So....I just don't know how to feel now. I love my mum and a lot of the time (as long as I'm careful) I like her too. She can be very funny, intelligent and I can have interesting conversations with her. But only if I'm very careful. I feel disloyal for posting all of this. I think the only way forward is to carry on and remember that she can't help the way she is. But I think it's going to be so much harder from now on.