Selfish husband ignoring children's needs.

[Harls91]

My first post on here but I really needs other mum's/ wives perspectives on my situation.

I have 3 children, DS1 is 4, DD is 1 1/2 and DS2 is 5months old. I love my husband with all my heart but he is a self confessed, mummy's boy and narcissist with an awful temper. He is currently waiting for a second referral to see a psychiatrist as he ignored the letters for his first after taking himself to the doctor to ask for help? I have forgiven him physical attacks on me, death threats, verbal attacks on my appearance/morals/parenting skills. He constantly runs to his mum's house during/after arguments and most recently on Boxing Day he walked out and left me with our kids for 2 days without so much as a txt. But now he is starting to sometimes completely disregard the kids needs and I'm struggling with it.

We are supposed to be moving house in 2 weeks to a new village about 20mins away but my eldest has had to start at his new school there already as they gave me no other option than to take him from the start of this term. My husband is off work in till the 9th and has been driving me there as I cannot drive myself. My baby is on prescription milk for dietary requirements and Infant Gaviscon for reflux so is prone to constipation/dihorrea, boughts of unexplained crying etc and at the moment isn't eating or sleeping well. My MIL phones this morning saying my husbands Nan had been ill during the night so my husband said he'd pop in on the way home from the school as they live a lot closer than we do. I changed DD2's dirty nappy just before we left for the school run but on the way he decided to make another and was getting upset for a bottle, DD was also due a nap. My husband knew this but carried on to his mums anyway and I asked him twice on the way there to please be as quick as possible as I needed to get the children home. We arrive and goes in and I'm left with a screaming baby and a distressed toddler until he wanders out over 15mins later chewing wine gums! He helped me wrestle DD back into her car seat and we spent half the journey home listening to the children scream until I ask him why he ignored what I'd asked him about being quick for the kids sake. He said that 15mins wasn't that long and his Nan was sick so it was just tough and I'm only moaning because I couldn't cope with them. I tried to explain that they are children and their needs have to come first and he could have taken us home and gone to his mums after but he seems to think that I'm being unreasonable and a f-ing bitch as he put it. This then blew into a full blown argument resulting in him calling me fat, bad parent, disgusting, psycho you name it and again...storming off to his mums house telling me he wants nothing more to do with and that I'm a deluded idiot. I love this man and I know he needs help but surely this is just him being horrible? Am I being unreasonable because it's happening so often is just don't know anymore? I feel like it's me that's the problem and I'm overreacting but I just don't want my babies to be put in a position where they're are distressed when it could be prevented. Advice would be greatly appreciated.

Is the HA place in your name or joint names? Ideally you could move, do the school run on foot and leave him behind.
As hard as it is to think about, you aren't putting the children's needs first either.

I have just called the housing officer, she said it's absolutely fine for me to have a sole tenancy on my own, I didn't explain the situation as she had already said that some couples like to do it that way anyway so I didn't see the need. So I can go and sign for the house alone and it will be mine and the kids without him and I can walk my son to school from then on.

Excellent. Do that.
It gives you security and control.

Well done, that's a fantastic step. How about women's aid? They're amazing with these situations.

Great news Harls re the housing.

I would also urge you to contact Womens Aid as they can also help you here 0808 2000 247.

Your eldest is not sad to not have his daddy in the same house so it would likely be no different for the others especially as they are young.

He's not a wonderful husband if he does all that, whilst it's your choice as an adult to put up with it your children have absolutely no choice and will have him as a role model growing up and believe that's how you treat a partner. Not to mention the side effects of his temper etc. Why on earth would you do that to them?

Please let Women's Aid help you - you are in a really good position to move and start again, you need to capitalise on that - it would be amazing if you could start to parent without this evil man.

Haris I think the 3 things you need to completely understand are

1-The man you dated never really existed. It was a role he played to entrap you. Now he has you, he sees no further need to play the role. As a matter of fact, he now 'needs' to do the opposite to keep you. He 'needs' to tear you down to the point where you believe you are unworthy of consideration and would never be able to find someone other than him. It's working, isn't it?

2-A Narcissist cannot change, doesn't really see the need to change. They can assume a facade for a period of time to keep you, gaslight you, or to impress others so they don't believe you, but they always, always, revert to type.

3-Your children will suffer emotional damage, possibly severe and permanent, if you stay with this man. Look at the 'Stately Homes' threads along with the many, many threads of children of Narcs on MN. It should be enough to send you running for the hills!

He is NOT a good man. He is NOT a good husband. He is NOT a good father. And I'd be willing to believe that he's being abetted by his mother, who is probably either another Narc or is also another victim.

You are on a hiding to nowhere and nothing. Get out now.

Great news about putting the new house in your name. Is there any chance you can move there early?

X-post. Good! Get that sole tenancy and leave him far behind. Then be sure you apply for CM and any/all benefits you are entitled to. And do see a solicitor as soon as possible to determine your legal position.

BUT, do be prepared for 'Mr Wonderful' to reappear with flowers, apologies, and empty promises to charm his way back in. Don't be fooled. Then be prepared for 'Mr Evil' to show up with threats and blackmail when 'Mr Wonderful's' lies don't work.

You will need to be strong. But it will be worth it.

It's not as easy as 'you wouldn't put up with your daughter being treated like this so why do you put up with it for yourself'

It's really difficult to get someone out your life however much you want rid of them if they aren't willing to get lost quietly

Really hope you can resolve this

When you met him, he lied to you about who he was, and you fell for it hook, line and sinker.

Now he is telling you the truth about who he is (an abusive monster) and yet you cling on to the lie.

You cannot raise children in this household. Read a few threads on here about grown women who are screwed up by their father's abuse of their mother, then ask yourself if that is the long term effect you want to have on your children. It is up to you to protect them from him. He is NOT a good father. He is a complete bastard.

Fantastic. This is the start of a new chapter in your lives.

I have forgiven him physical attacks on me, death threats, verbal attacks on my appearance/morals/parenting skills

But will your children forgive you in years to come, for allowing them to be raised in that environment?

I have forgiven him physical attacks on me, death threats, verbal attacks on my appearance/morals/parenting skills.

Why, Harls91? If you aren't prepared to leave him for your sake (and you should - you are worth better than this), then leave him for your kids' sakes. You have two sons - do you want them to grow up to be violent, abusive narcissists, like your husband? He is their role model, he is who is teaching them how to be men. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking this is what a marriage looks like, and if her partner hits her and calls her disgusting, it's only what she deserves and should expect? Your husband is her role model too.

I would never ever want my children affected by our relationship

They are already affected. They will be affected more and more as time goes by.

cross post - sorry OP, I hadn't read that you have made steps to move away from this.

What a strong, brave move to make. Don't falter.

Just seen the update - well done, Harls, for taking the first step.

I appreciate everybody's advice, I know that what I'm doing is wrong and I would never ever want my children affected by our relationship and wouldn't accept that kind of behaviour around them from anybody else but it's so hard

Well, guess what, they are/will be affected. That's exactly what you are doing. You are putting your own relationship needs ahead of their needs for a safe and secure home environment. Trust me from someone who has been there and has done a lot of research on the subject, they will grow up massively affected by what they have been subjected to. Put them first please.

But will your children forgive you in years to come, for allowing them to be raised in that environment?

As a child who was raised in that environment, I can confidently say that no, they won't. Also, they will have a fucked up view of relationships that will affect them throughout their lives so whether or not they forgive the OP is only a tiny part of it.

You love him with all your heart? Well boo fucking hoo. He is a wanker and a danger to your children and to you, so you need rid. He doesn't love you because you do not physically attack someone you love or threaten to kill them or call them fat or a psycho. One day, he will physically attack your kids. He won't go to the psychiatrist and narcissists are more or less incapable of change anyway.

Once a narcissist always a narcissist- pleaae get away from him.
I know you will ignore me but in the long run he cant change

Chances are he won't be interested in looking after the dc as they'll be too demanding for him. His parents might tell him he should and encourage him to. I wouldn't encourage it as he is neglectful and if he's hurt you, he'll hurt them at some point.

Be strong. He ignores their needs (this is called neglect). Don't allow him to make you ignore their needs. Do not put him first. Put your dc first before him.

Does this sounds familiar Harls91? liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/narcissistic-personality

If so, I'd get out. He will damage the children.

And about having a father in their lives; they do not need neglect and abusers in their lives. Their father will not change. He will be selfish for life, despite going to therapy. It doesn't work for narcs. One loving parent is better than one abusive parent, one abused parent and 3 neglected dc.

OP, there is no fixing a narcissist. You'd break yourself trying. The man you first met doesn't exist. The real man has shown his true colours, once the mask is removed altogether is when the fun really begins! You are in danger whilst he is around. Your children are in danger.

Woman's aid will help you. So please phone them.

If you put this sad excuse for a man before your children, you'll end up either losing them, or spending the rest of your life attending various therapy appointments with them. They will most likely seek out the same in a relationship. They'll be the victim or turn into abusers themselves.

You have NO future with this man!