Selfish husband ignoring children's needs.

[Harls91]

My first post on here but I really needs other mum's/ wives perspectives on my situation.

I have 3 children, DS1 is 4, DD is 1 1/2 and DS2 is 5months old. I love my husband with all my heart but he is a self confessed, mummy's boy and narcissist with an awful temper. He is currently waiting for a second referral to see a psychiatrist as he ignored the letters for his first after taking himself to the doctor to ask for help? I have forgiven him physical attacks on me, death threats, verbal attacks on my appearance/morals/parenting skills. He constantly runs to his mum's house during/after arguments and most recently on Boxing Day he walked out and left me with our kids for 2 days without so much as a txt. But now he is starting to sometimes completely disregard the kids needs and I'm struggling with it.

We are supposed to be moving house in 2 weeks to a new village about 20mins away but my eldest has had to start at his new school there already as they gave me no other option than to take him from the start of this term. My husband is off work in till the 9th and has been driving me there as I cannot drive myself. My baby is on prescription milk for dietary requirements and Infant Gaviscon for reflux so is prone to constipation/dihorrea, boughts of unexplained crying etc and at the moment isn't eating or sleeping well. My MIL phones this morning saying my husbands Nan had been ill during the night so my husband said he'd pop in on the way home from the school as they live a lot closer than we do. I changed DD2's dirty nappy just before we left for the school run but on the way he decided to make another and was getting upset for a bottle, DD was also due a nap. My husband knew this but carried on to his mums anyway and I asked him twice on the way there to please be as quick as possible as I needed to get the children home. We arrive and goes in and I'm left with a screaming baby and a distressed toddler until he wanders out over 15mins later chewing wine gums! He helped me wrestle DD back into her car seat and we spent half the journey home listening to the children scream until I ask him why he ignored what I'd asked him about being quick for the kids sake. He said that 15mins wasn't that long and his Nan was sick so it was just tough and I'm only moaning because I couldn't cope with them. I tried to explain that they are children and their needs have to come first and he could have taken us home and gone to his mums after but he seems to think that I'm being unreasonable and a f-ing bitch as he put it. This then blew into a full blown argument resulting in him calling me fat, bad parent, disgusting, psycho you name it and again...storming off to his mums house telling me he wants nothing more to do with and that I'm a deluded idiot. I love this man and I know he needs help but surely this is just him being horrible? Am I being unreasonable because it's happening so often is just don't know anymore? I feel like it's me that's the problem and I'm overreacting but I just don't want my babies to be put in a position where they're are distressed when it could be prevented. Advice would be greatly appreciated.

when we first met he was the most wonderful man on the planet in my eyes and treated me like a princess, he doted on my eldest and did everything for us.

This is classic abusive behaviour. Means you find it much harder to leave as they "used to be" such a great guy.

He's always been like this, he just didn't show you initially.

And as someone who grew up with an abusive Dad I can tell you categorically it's better to have no Dad at all that one like that.

"No he wasn't, when we first met he was the most wonderful man on the planet in my eyes and treated me like a princess, he doted on my eldest and did everything for us. It started with lying, a major gambling problem, obviously the running to his mum's house and just got worse over time"

He targeted you and deliberately as well. He saw something in you (your own codependency issues) that he could and has exploited to his own ends. A quick attachment, a gambling problem, enmeshment to his toxic mother and being too good to be true are all red flags that you either did not recognise or actually minimised.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?

He is showing all the signs of "The Loser"
www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
when it comes to relationships and he is very bad news for you and your children.

Why did you marry this man?. It was a huge error on your part and one for which you are paying the price for now.

You cannot act as either a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship, neither approach works. Your only way forward is to separate yourself completely from this person. He will not let go of you at all easily but you really do need to escape him before he really does destroy you all from the inside pout.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Please read this OP

How long have you been together? How long after meeting did you have your first child with him?

It sounds like he's showing his true colours. I don't understand how you can love someone with all your heart who is physically and emotionally abusive to you. Your children will be affected if you bring them up in this environment- it's up to you to protect them.

A narc doesnt just pick who he is narcy towards. He will turn it onto the kids

I don't understand how you can love someone with all your heart who is physically and emotionally abusive to you

Then you don't have much understanding of the complex psychological dynamics of abusive relationships.

Of course the op needs to leave but there is no point having a go at her and making her feel crap - her husband does that enough so let's be kind!

This is an abusive man

By abusing you, he abuses his children

But you love him, right. So you can overlook the fact your children are living with a violent man.

I'm just so bewildered about how much everything would change. I don't drive I've only just got my provisional, I don't work, my family live over an hour away, I don't know if I should let him into my new house to see the children and I don't want him taking them. I don't know what to tell my eldest when he asks where daddy has gone. I don't know how to even start

They don't need to see a daddy who makes death threats, can be physically violent and ignores their needs. How is that remotely good for them? If you were hunting for, say a nanny and I told you the candidatewas violent and abusive but good at heart, would you let them babysit your child? No? Then why continually let such a man damage your kids and have access to them? And should that be the paramount factor in your decision making?

You are in love with a facade he put up to draw you into a relationship with you.

Can you REALLY not see that it's good for your children to be around a man who makes death threats against their mother?

I think you need to see a GP immediately about the way you are responding to this crisis situation. Never mind his appointment - that won't change a bloody thing. He is who he is. You're the only one who can help yourself now.

I don't have any qualifications or experience of this type of behaviour but I didn't want to read and leave. What you have described has horrified me. I'm not having a go at you - although I don't know much about abusive relationships, I know enough to understand that it's complex and never as easy as just walking away.

But what you have said about his behaviour is frightening and I am really struggling with how you can think that your children will somehow miss out if they don't live with him. Please, read some of the other posts here which are more informed than this one and do what is best for your children and for yourself.

Everything would change but for the better if you got this man out of your day to day lives. You would be free from his day to day control and that level of freedom is well worth having.

You made a mistake in marrying him; do not further compound your basic error here by continuing to remain with him. Your children will be also subjected to his abuse of you and in turn them.

Is this really what you want to be teaching them about relationships?.
It does make me wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up because you were easy meat indeed for this particular wolf in sheep's clothing.

Why would he take the children?. Narcissists only want children to use as their own narcissistic supply; he is not interested in looking after them at all and has probably used the threat of taking the children away from you before now too. Its all designed to further keep you cowed and trapped.

If he really does want to see the children (which I doubt very much given his overall lack of interest) you would certainly need to formalise all access arrangements.

Writerneedshelp2017 I have been to the GP recently and they gave me some medication to help me with how I feel but DH told me that I was like a zombie after I took the first one and that I shouldn't be looking after the kids if I take them. My midwife was also aware of the situation and so are the police.

He sounds a complete nutter.

You should write down all that he does as he will get visiting rights if you are not careful. Do you want to see your DCs spending time on their own with him?

Tell DS that Daddy gets too angry so he needs to live alone.

Just do something and don't let this situation continue.

He doesn't want your help, and I'm afraid he doesn't need it, because nothing you can do is helpful to him - if anything, you being around is just reinforcing his narcissism and his other issues. If he really wanted to do anything about it, he would have kept the appointment with the psychiatrist. But I'd question how much help he really needs anyway - he's presumably able to control his behaviour at work, otherwise he wouldn't have a job.

You have to put your children first. It would be incredibly bad for them to grow up around a man who treats their mother like this, let alone what happens if or when he starts treating them the same way. They should not grow up seeing you be physically attacked, and they should not be at risk of being attacked themselves. Be aware also that if you don't take steps to ensure their safety there is a risk that ultimately they could be taken into care.

He says he wants nothing more to do with you, so take him at his word. Contact the housing association to ensure the new house is put in your name alone, and try to move there without him as quickly as possible. Phone Women's Aid to get information on your entitled to benefits and maintenance, and advice on how to protect yourself if necessary. Please, for your own sake and your children's, do all of that today!

I have forgiven him physical attacks on me

If he's physically attacked you, why in the world would you stay with him? Injuring you is bad enough but it's only a matter of time before he attacks them too. Your first priority is to get away from him to somewhere safe.

Can you take your children and go and live with your parents? Or throw him out? You are being bullied. Your children should not have to put up with this behaviour. Your children may be very upset by his absence but they will be a lot more emotionally stable in the long run.

have been to the GP recently and they gave me some medication to help me with how I feel but DH told me that I was like a zombie after I took the first one and that I shouldn't be looking after the kids if I take them.

And did you believe him? He is likely the root cause as to why you are on such medication in the first place.

Make the police further aware of your situation. You really do need to get away from him asap.

I was the child in this situation. Although I was never directly hurt I picked up on everything my dad was like and the way he was abusing my DM.
I used to lay in bed every night praying he would die so I wouldn't have to live in a house with abuse anymore, I wouldn't have live in fear.

My DM did eventually leave and my life was a million times better with no dad. I don't speak to him now, nor do I want to and I have certainly never missed having a dad around.

Unfortunately my DM left him a little too late and the abuse I witnessed has had a lasting impact on my mental health and my ability to form and maintain relationships.

I never actually saw the abuse. It was the constant atmosphere, you could feel it. It was stuff I heard when I was in bed or in another room. I felt constant fear. Even if you think you are shielding your DCs from this trust me you are not, they know and it is causing them damage which they may never heal from.

Please be stronger than my DM op and don't let there be a chance of your children suffering like I did.

This is incredibly frustrating. If you need ADs to cope with living with a man, then you're living with the wrong man, in my opinion and experience.

Do you have a health visitor? They would be happy to refer you to local sources of help and advice. If the midwife and police know about the situation, it makes it all the more necessary for you to be seen to be taking steps to protect the children.

No. By forgiving all of this unforgivable shit, you are teaching your children that this is normal. Do you want that for them? Do you want to model this kind of relationship to you daughter? Do you want to teach DS that this is how you treat a partner? It isn't normal. You deserve better than that and so do your children.

A man who loves you does not insult you, physically hurt you, threaten to kill you. He does NOT love you. You cannot "help" him by staying with him.

He will not go back to his nicer ways, whether he gets psychiatric help or not, now that he knows he can get away with doing these things to you. He will continually push boundaries, because MH problems or no MH problems, on top of that, he is an abusive bastard and he is using that as an excuse. It isn't.

Whether or not you get on or even agree with parenting/family matters is irrelevant. He is abusive and you deserve better. If he had any respect for you, he wouldn't behave like this. He doesn't have any respect for you, so why would he "get better"? He won't. Get rid and get out. Even being alone is better than living with abuse.

I'm sorry if this sounds blunt, but I've been in an abusive relationship and that's the cold truth of it. Don't move with him

Women's aid will help and support you OP with all of your concerns, please contact them.

www.womensaid.org.uk

You are BOTH ignoring the childrens needs though. They need to be brought up in an environment where domestic abuse and violence isn't the norm.