I find it so frustrating that i cant apply for a contact order, only my ex can!!!!!!!!!

[snowwonder]

i am not happy with the contact arrangements between me and ex yet i can do nothing about it, apart form stop contact in order to hopefully push him into applying for one..... which i dont want to do as it wouldnt be fair on dd age 3...

he has her willy nilly (great phrase) gives me a list of dates that fit in with his shifts, normally week nights, (which i dont whnt when she starts school in septemnber) and he stays on call for work while he has her, which i think upsets dd, last week they were building snowman and he had to leave her with his mum while he went into work.

I would like somwthing put in place that says the small ammount of time he does spend with her he actually is with her..

is there anything else i can do?

You're right that going through the courts for contact is something that would be likely to benefit no-one, least of all your dd. I've worked alot with families going through the court system and tbh no-one was happy with it and it can't usually fail to create an atmosphere of hostility

I think you need to continue to show the patience you have been so far. Things need to change by September, as you say; I would certainly feel that it would be reasonable and kind to a reception child that she should be going to school from her home every morning; routine and consistency will no doubt help her to settle into school.

I think start to bring this up with your ex now, so that he knows where you are coming from on this issue. But I think go really careful so he doesn't feel you are using this as an excuse to lessen his contact, present it as 'how are WE going to play it when she is at school, I don't want her to miss out on her time with you, so let's arrange times now" etc etc etc.

The other thing of him being on call when he has her, well to be honest you may not want to hear it but I think you have to let him parent her when he has her. He is entitled to make choices about childcare when he has her, just as you would be. If he needs to work and leave her with her grandmother then that is a parenting matter for him really. I think you don't have control over this....difficult, I know.

thanks for your response. I agree with what you say i just find it so frustrating that i have to organise my whole life around dd, even having a shower is difficult!!!!! yet he has her one afternoon a week and cant even commit to that, as he has his mum there on hand,
he has her on his days off, he doesnt then have to be on call as well, he could opt out if he wanted to.
to be honest if i didnt think it was affecting dd i wouldnt care i would just think it is his lose if he isnt with her, although i would rather not give up my time with her for her to just be passed around!!
I just feel sad for dd, as she gets so little time with him and the little time he gets with her, he can just run off into work!!

thanks for your view

why not give him a list of dates that suit you and dd and see if you can come to some agreement? Otherwise, mediation or enlist the coperation of your exmil?

As a last resort, there is nothing to stop you applying for an order if you can't work something out - the system is , I think, friendly to litigants in person. The problem with court orders though is that they can be inflexible in that he might then decide to stick to the letter of the order to spite you.

Keep a note of what sort of arrangements you have offered to make and how and when he has let you down so that you can show how difficult and inconsistent he can be if you do end up going to court. Hopefuly it wo't come to that.

i have been told by a family lawyer that i cant apply for an order as ui have custody of dd, he has to apply for it if i refuse him all contact to push him into doing it (which i dont want to do)
the other problem he works a rolling shift of 4 days on 4 days off, so the same day each week wouldnt suit him
its a flipping nightmare, and i am so sick of worrying about it

perhaps you could put in writing (in a very amicable/friendly/nice way) that you think dd gets upset that he sometimes disappears to work when she expects to spend to with him and also what does he think would be the best way forward in September when she starts school.

If you can keep things amicable and flexible it will really be best all around eventually. I think you have to try and word it from dds perspective that she is missing him and would like to spend more one to one time with him?

thanks, that would be a good idea,

snow, you can apply for a contact order to regularise contact - I'm not saying it's the best option here but you can do it.

There is no such thing as a an order which would force him to have contact. But you could insist on contact at certain times - eg alternate Sats or weekends - and if he doesn't like it he can apply to the court to vary it.

I agree, but if an order is in place then the hope would be that he might stick with it and everybody would know where they stood. Snowwonder need some certainty by the sounds of it