Marriage and finances

[Tetley08]

Going into 2017 I would really like to get our household finances in order. However my husband and I keep arguing about it & can't seem to agree on the fundamentals. I'd like us to come up with a fair solution so that we no longer have this hanging over our heads. I would like us both to be happy with how we deal with our finances.
My husband earns a decent amount of money in a fairly stressful job, he works long hours and travels a fair bit but overall he enjoys it. I was made redundant several years ago when our son was about a year old. I have since retrained and now work for myself. I earn about 25% of my husbands salary. When I decided to retrain this was done with my husbands approval & encouragement. I now try to work 2 full days when our son goes to after school club and 3 shorter days, just school hours. Again I ran this past my husband who at the time said this was fine. On those days I take our son to sports lessons or play dates which I feel is beneficial to him. As I'm self employed there are quieter periods when I don't have as much work but during this time i do household tasks, cleaning, shopping etc. I do pretty much all of the childcare during the week. During school holidays he'll take time off to look after our son the odd day here and there but it falls to me to take the lions share of time off, and for the most part I don't get paid.
Now id really like opinions on how our finances should be split? Or if you have a similiar set up, how do you do it.

Sheldon he is ALSO a parent. The financial rewards are not split evenly, but nor are the responsibilities. And if you love someone, how can you be happy spanking £1k amonth on drinking / hobbies, whilst your life partner has nothing ? How can you? What's the point in being together if you a) can't communicate b) are so selfish you don't want to share ....

And I speak as a woman who has always worked FT, and always earned much more than any partner ... and always shared....

Lily, I'd agree to some extent but you could turn it around too. The OP doesn't want to share the financial burden of the bills, wants to work fewer hours in a job she loves etc. She doesn't want to step up and help with the financial side even though she knows he is resentful of having to pay for practically everything. She just wants the extra spare case he has a month.

There are two people in a marriage, both deserve to be happy. They need to work together not just one of them stating demands.

There is also a child caught up in all this, if neither party of happy it's very likely the child knows and is caught up in it.

But if she does work more then childcare costs will come into it too. Will the dh want to pay for that or will it be OPs responsibility too? The reason he can work long hours is because OP is available for the children for school runs, if they are off sick, etc.

OP also paid for a family holiday and contributed spending money for it so hardly not pulling her weight with regards money

Am self employed but did a stint in a traditional office which I hadn't done since pre kids. The stress of meeting employers high expectations plus leaving on time to pick up Dc, school calling, what's for dinner, dd2 feeling sad, all the house / child stuff head space was intense. Brought home what a luxury Dh has as he works full time but bar the odd assembly none of that stuff is his responsibility.

Joint account here all money family money. Anything else seems odd to me.

My understanding is that ALL the OP's money goes into the pot for family expenditure, she has very little for 'herself' e.g., clothes etc... he , otoh, has £1,000 to spend as he pleases. The essentials, with respect to ensuring their child is looked after, are covered by the OP, and would have to be paid for if she worked FT...

This is just not fair. And it does not value the contribution of child care/ housework as highly as paid employment. Again this is not fair, as it has to be done, either by one of the adults, or by a sub-contractor (which costs)

If OP works more hours, then who will pay for childcare? I suspect it will come out of her wages and she'll be no better off and in addition the housework won't be done and the children will have to give up their extra curricular activities.

OP maybe you should look for a job and then tell your DH it will cost him £1,000 per month in childcare. He might think twice about that.

I seem to recall Sheldon isn't a parent. Though it's possible I'm thinking of another dimwit, shit stirring troll who likes to parrot most of the same lines, so maybe she'd be so good as to clarify.

And yes OP, of course there's something wrong with your split of finances. He has getting on for 100% of the disposable income and certainly doesn't do 100% of the work required to keep your family going: that is earning, childcare (which is what looking after your son is, whether anyone likes this or not it's a fact not up for discussion) and maintenance of the home.

Ahh silent, the children currently playing then here must be a figment of my imagination.... or maybe they got delivered with the shopping earlier.

The cost of childcare for one child in after school wouldn't be high and would simply be another household bill. It's part of the adult discussion they need to have rather than one party demanding from the other. Amazes me how some people jump into marriage yet can't even have a discussion with their partner.

Well, you will ignore the question when it's first asked... but as I said, it's possible I had you confused with someone else who likes to come out with that sort of drivel.

As for the rest, you have no idea how much wraparound care (not after school care, you missed the morning out) would cost or even the availability locally for the other days. And the bit about it being another household bill is irrelevant. Your argument rests on the assumption that OP working more hours would increase the household income, which there simply hasn't been enough information posted for us to know. And even if it would, it still wouldn't be right for DH to have nearly 100% of the discretionary income when he doesn't do 100% of the things that need doing.

If you love someone, how can you be happy spanking £1k amonth on drinking / hobbies, whilst your life partner has nothing ? How can you?

Exactly. That's not the attitude of someone who sees their partner as an equal. Equality in a relationship is not measured by how much an employer values you at. The 2 are unrelated.

I'm in a similar setup OP.

I work school hours only most days (part-time teacher working approx. 30 - 35 hours/wk in total) and DH works full-time. His FT gross annual remuneration is approx. 4x by FT gross annual salary.

All our earnings are paid into our joint account. We spend what we want, within reason, and consult each other about big purchases (what defines a big purchase has changed over the years). DH 'does the money' - he is very good at it and analyses it almost daily (he seems to enjoy it so more than happy for him to do this!). He will let me know if we seem to be overspending in an area (non judgmentally) or need to ease off on the spending a bit. I think it helps that we both have the same attitude towards money and spending in general though, and live well within our means.

I do more household tasks and organising and caring for the DC, simply because I have more time. Think we would both be stressed out if I worked FT (as it isn't a 40 hr/wk job during term-time and DH is often away from home).

I know that DH wouldn't be overly impressed if I didn't work at all (once DC in school - I worked when they were little too though) as there simply isn't enough work in the home to justify losing the financial security of two sources of income, and I agree with him on that. I could go FT and he could not work (with some adjustments to lifestyle!) and I definitely wouldn't be happy with that - even if I earnt what he does rather than what I do. He can't do his job PT so that's never come up (suspect he would rather do his job than cleaning, school runs and sitting around watching DC in swimming lessons though).