Marriage and finances

[Tetley08]

Going into 2017 I would really like to get our household finances in order. However my husband and I keep arguing about it & can't seem to agree on the fundamentals. I'd like us to come up with a fair solution so that we no longer have this hanging over our heads. I would like us both to be happy with how we deal with our finances.
My husband earns a decent amount of money in a fairly stressful job, he works long hours and travels a fair bit but overall he enjoys it. I was made redundant several years ago when our son was about a year old. I have since retrained and now work for myself. I earn about 25% of my husbands salary. When I decided to retrain this was done with my husbands approval & encouragement. I now try to work 2 full days when our son goes to after school club and 3 shorter days, just school hours. Again I ran this past my husband who at the time said this was fine. On those days I take our son to sports lessons or play dates which I feel is beneficial to him. As I'm self employed there are quieter periods when I don't have as much work but during this time i do household tasks, cleaning, shopping etc. I do pretty much all of the childcare during the week. During school holidays he'll take time off to look after our son the odd day here and there but it falls to me to take the lions share of time off, and for the most part I don't get paid.
Now id really like opinions on how our finances should be split? Or if you have a similiar set up, how do you do it.

he does not want to let me have anymore of 'his money'.

And this is the crux; in our home we don't have "his" or "her" money.... it's all team 0Sometimes' money.

Both mine and my husband's wage go into the joint account.

20% of that is then debited into my personal account for my fun money, another 20% goes into my husband's personal account for his fun money and the remaining 60% pays for everything house/DS related.

Me and DH pretty much earn the same though so it's quite an easy divide of money. I would like to think though that we'd be just as fair and equal if one of us earned a lot more than the other.

OP - are you asking because your salary isn't covering you? Or just generous curiosity? I really like one persons post, half salary goes into joint account, other half individual, I will definite propose that down the track. I know some people find this negative but would you feel better if you had a pre nup? Not suggesting you will break up, but perhaps you may feel more settled and secure still?

I had a feeling your setup would be like that, although I wasn't imagining that level of financial abuse.

That's a disgusting attitude that he has, acting like it's his money to dole out to you. It's obvious he has no respect for your contribution.

we work for ourselves (same business) and money goes into the business account. I pay for everything virtually (apart from odd bits of food shoppng he may do in the week and petrol--as he drives and I dont) and I pay DH a set amount across every month to his account for his personal spending. If he is running short he just asks me to pay him some more.

One joint account into which all income is paid and all outgoings are paid from. Works for us.

Bottom line is, he doesn't see your relationship as a partnership and his approval and encouragement came with an unspoken caveat, it should not impact him (which includes his wallet). In his eyes you get a free ride at his expense; raising his child, domestic chores and pursuing your hobby job, pale into insignificance at the important better paid work he's doing.

The way he treats you financially is how he sees you, less important, less valuable, less than him. Your financial set up might be your immediate problem but it isn't your most significant.

my small salary has covered things like my sons tennis lessons, I paid for his birthday party, I paid for our one family holiday and half of the spending money for that. I've also picked up the majority of the afterschool costs..these are kind of 'invisible' expenses that I have told him about numerous times but are completely I acknowledged or recognised...

Turn them into visible costs by taking those expenses out of the joint account.

We have a similar set up to you with regard to work. We previously paid a proportion of our salary into a joint account and then kept out own money. The problem was that I had so much less than my husband. At the time he felt it was fair ad he earnt more . So I totted up the value of what I do in terms of childcare and cleaning and had a good talk with him. He finally got that it wasnt ok that I had so much less. In addition we were getting into debt which in part was because we couldnt work out where our money was going due to seperate accounts.

We now have all money going into one account where all the direct debits are taken as its a cash back account. We then have another account for food (just find it easier to keep a check on what we are spending if its seperate) and another for 'fun' money. Mr Lucy does tend to spend more of this than me as he goes out weekly with friends (I am lacking in that dpt ). We also buy premium bonds every month from the main account for annual expenses such as holidays, etc. The key is all 3 accounts are joint. We still have our own accounts which we pay a little into each month for phone bill s and I sometime transfer some money from premium bonds to buy presents for my OH birthday and I dont want him to know where I havebpught it.

I much prefer the way we are set up now. It feels fairer and more transparent.

Thanks for all your posts... Very helpful and has given me confidence that my suggestion was reasonable and I'm not just 'after more of his money'
He said he will have a think about things today & we'll have another chat this evening. I'll see what he suggests as a compromise
Tbh this is just one of a few ongoing issues we have and I'm just starting see what a selfish man he can be and that perhaps I deserve a bit more than this

You don't need joined finances.
You need separate finances.

To run your two separate households.
Seriously - are you actually happy being married to a wanker like this? Having a go at you about spending his money?
And surprise surprise, your earnings are going on the child.

I'm not a fan of a single joint account for everything, i like:

Salary into own account.

Amount transferred to joint account for all bills - ALL, there are no hidden bills. If you go to soft play, it's in the child entertainment budget and comes from the joint account where it has been budgeted for. The amount is based on your salaries.

Other money swept into pensions / long term savings / mortgage overpayment / holiday savings account etc - whatever you agree.
Again, proportionate on salary and designed to leave you with equal spends.

You get left with equal spends in your own account. If you don't spend it all that month, any excess stays with you, not into joint savings.

If he won't do that AND never mention "my money" again, then you're better off without that shit in your life.

When my fiancé moves in, I'll be earning about 3x more.

I'll probably pay all bills and we'll check whether that then leaves us with equal spends.

If not, we'll probably have a joint account for monthly fun spends - just to avoid any nonsense about who is paying when we go out for a drink!

It helps that we have a similar attitude to money and saving and spending.

For a start, I would stop paying for tennis lessons, holidays etc with your salary and use the joint account.

Secondly, I would tell him exactly how much a full time nanny and full time housekeeper would cost. Splitting his £1000 leftover money with you would be a doddle in comparison.

Tell him you will go back to work full time and he can start picking up 50% of the childcare, ferrying about to after school clubs, school assemblies and half of all housework and admin.

Oh, he doesn't want that either?

XH earned ten times what I did but that was because I focused on looking after the family rather than working outside the home.

All money went into the joint account as we were a family and it was family money.

Joint current account,credit card,savings account

Private current account, credit card, savings account each.

Both pay in to joint current account primary earner pays most in, secondary earner pays most in to private savings.

All bills are paid then both people can spend money on whatever they want from private accounts.
I'm the higher earner, I have more disposable income.

There's no set right way, upto couples how they work finances. Lots do whole joint thing, some do 50/50 or another percentage.

I think different working hours creates a lot of resentment in couples, if you choose more free time then it usually comes with less money so unless the other party is totally on board then it doesn't work.

I'm sorry, that sounds horribly unfair. Our situation is similar (except I'm the high earner and DH is freelance/earns 20% of what I do and does childcare for 2 x preschool DCs).

My salary is paid into my own account. It's all family money though.

I transfer a pre-agreed amount (about 80% of it) into a joint account which covers mortgage, childcare, bills and also a generous chunk of 'housekeeping' which as well as the supermarket shop is for anything the DCs need, days out etc and 'joint fun' for me and DH (like a takeaway or rare meal out). We both have a debit card for this account. We're both relatively sensible with money and this pot has never run out, just gets topped up the next month.

What's left of my salary (after travel as well) - I put £100 each per month for our own 'fun money' into our own account and the balance goes into family savings.

DH's freelance earnings aren't very regular so he doesn't touch them (the housekeeping pot and his £100/month from my salary cover everything he needs) so once or twice a year we sweep that into the same savings pot which we use for house stuff, big purchases or holidays.

I would never DREAM of resenting him for spending 'my money' whilst he's looking after our children, and I am massively conscious of not ever using my earning power in that way. e.g. we disagreed about a big purchase (i wanted something expensive for the house, he wanted to DIY and save the cash) - and we had to negotiate a compromise - rather than me say "it's my money, I can spend it how I like".

SheldonCRules - I don't have more 'free time'. I have more time outside of paid work and in that time I spend it looking after our son and doing housework

Yes, quite, Tetley - it's all about not placing value on unpaid work.

Like Tango and whattodo, I'm the higher earner, basically the sole earner. We have a joint account and all spending is done from here. We consult on major purchases and the only other question I ask DH is if I see a transaction in the joint account that I don't recognise, so that I know how to account for it in the budget.

However, the fact that he's spending a large proportion of his disposable income on booze means he is extremely unlikely to want to share that money more fairly.

It's not 'his' money, it's family money. That applies to our household as well and DH and I have separate accounts (because he gets paid in dollars and I get paid in pounds and we don't want to be hit with exchange rate losses). I pay for everyday running costs - utilities, food shopping, insurance, car. He pays for big stuff - repairs, holidays and disasters. If I am shelling out for big stuff, he pays his half to me. We don't argue about money and we earn pretty much the same (though his take home is more as he pays a smaller % of tax than I do).

DH have had times when I've earned more and when he's earned more (most notably when I was made redundant). We have always had a joint account for all bills and then our own accounts with the same amount of pocket money each. He found out I was paying for DD's dance lessons out of my pocket money and told me off, because it should be joint expenditure.

Tetley,

re your comment:-
"He said he will have a think about things today & we'll have another chat this evening"

I doubt very much that will go at all well for you. What has really changed here?.

Am I right in thinking you have written about him quite recently as well?.

An interesting thread! We share it all in my house. Most of our money and DH's income is in a joint account. My part-time salary gets paid into my own account and I use that first for food shopping, my petrol, what the kids need etc. If I need more I just take it from the main account and let him know (if it's a big purchase I would consult him first as he would me). Are we unusual in viewing it all as shared money then?!

I'm just thinking I wouldn't have the first clue how people separate everything out without getting confused! He earns way more than me but in reality I own the vast majority of the house....gosh I hope we never get divorced or it'll be messy

He sounds like a petty little bully, OP. What sort of an attitude towards family life is that?