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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just don't know what to do with myself !!!!

92 replies

Catchmeifyoucan1 · 01/01/2017 22:47

I'm fed up.
Completely and utterly fed up with my life as a single parent.
It's not the parenting , I love my children and I will do anything for them but I am sick of trying to co parent with such a selfish twit.

Im trying to make it as easy as I can for my children but it's two years in now and I'm running out of strength.

He sees them eow for 24 hours.
In that time he will linger here if he can or try and drag me off with them - I didn't mind this until I realised that he's using my house and me as extra childcare etc.
He's his own home and his own life yet picks and chooses us when it suits him.

He's been with the ow since he left - kids haven't met her.

Yesterday was his day - I was ill. So instead of just taking the kids to his he stayed. Cooked lunch , done some chores and checked on me every while or so. Decided to set up camp with the kids in my room whilst I was I was napping - to watch tele. Perfectly good one in the lounge or at his own house !!!!!
Very kind in some ways in others it just confuses the hell out of my kids.

This is a regular occurrence in spates across the year and I just want to be able to get on with him as a parent.

Not second guessing , nice behaviours or him wanting to spend time with us all.

If I approach the subject with him he gets nasty or defensive. That he doesn't think it confuses the kids and that this is life now , he doesn't want me and that I should just get on.

I never ask for him back when I broach the subject just ask him to stop using me and my house and good nature and to branch off with the kids but it gets his back up.

I did stop inviting him in for a while but he then kept asking me to join them for lunch or other activities.

Short of hiring someone to do the hangovers. What can I do to stop the muddying of waters and have some kid free time.

OP posts:
keepingonrunning · 02/01/2017 13:49

I think he is negging you in the expectation it will make you desperate to have him back, thereby boosting his ego and having two women at his beck and call.
He protests too much.

MsGameandWatch · 02/01/2017 14:47

I'm positive he doesn't want you back tbh. By telling you that he's attempting to remove your right to have a problem with him hanging around as in "there's no feelings here at ALL so what's the problem with me hanging around for a few hours? What's your problem?". It's all about forcing you to let him have his "family" time in the "family" home. He sounds hugely controlling.

gamerchick · 02/01/2017 14:58

It's almost like he likes the idea of a family he can take out and put back in the cupboard when he feels like it.

Original poster
Catchmeifyoucan1 · 02/01/2017 15:30

He is the one who chooses to invite me along to these things.
He would rather go out and about or for lunch than be at mine but I imagine it is easier to linger when I've already said no to going somewhere.

He couldn't bare to be around me when he first left , as though I had left him for someone else. He made life very difficult and awfully sad for us all.
But now we are happy and His dipping in and out of life with us is benefiting nobody but him.

He chose to leave and unfortunately he can deal with the consequences.

I would like to add that if I ask why I need to go or why he feels the need to have me in his presence which is a precious small time with the children he just likes to use the line " this is life now. No going back. Or I don't want you back "

OP posts:
gamerchick · 02/01/2017 15:39

You tell him this is not life now and you don't want to spend any time with him. Don't ask him anymore why, just draw your line in the sand and stick to it.

It's sounds as if he's interpreting your question a different way to you that's why it doesn't make any sense. Like he thinks you still want him back and you're seeing him hanging around your as proof of that and expecting him to answer accordingly.

Tell him, don't ask him anymore.

MsGameandWatch · 02/01/2017 15:40

"And I don't want you back either, in fact I don't even like you very much and I wouldn't have someone I didn't like in my home so bye bye, sorry but this is life now"

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 02/01/2017 16:20

I wonder if sub-consciously you harbour thoughts he might want to come back? A fantasy he'll turn around and say he's made a massive mistake? Not because you want him but in order to restore the family 'unit', so your children have their parents together, maybe even so you can smugly stick two fingers up to the OW?

However, although it would give you huge satisfaction for him to say sorry and admit he's been a massive shit, this is not what you need. Because there is NOTHING in the world that could make up for his behaviour. Absolutely nothing. Even if he miraculously turned over a new leaf and became a gold star husband and father it still wouldn't erase the memories of the past.

So stop tip-toeing around him or worrying about rocking the boat and upsetting him. Don't allow him to invade the new life you've created for you and your children. He waltzes in, plays happy families whilst insisting he doesn't want you so don't get any ideas then sods of for another fortnight! Don't let him! No more cosy days out nor doing the washing in your house when you're ill. No more 'family' games. That doesn't help you! It torments you and stops you being able to move on.

Decide what you want, tell him, only discuss the children, handovers done on the doorstep. Some separated parents CAN go out as a family, attend parents' evening together, go in each other's houses etc - but only when they're on an equal footing where they both respect each other and honestly want the best for their children. But you can't do that with this dick. He treats you appallingly when he should be kissing your feet for looking after his children whilst he gets to lead a double life.

BTW are you sure the OW doesn't live with him? It'd explain why he doesn't want to take the children back there.

Original poster
Catchmeifyoucan1 · 02/01/2017 16:25

Thanks all I just need to be stronger.
I got very strong last year and genuinely though that by saying yes and joining them on days out etc I was giving the children a really great advantage.
But as time as gone on I just feel like I'm being used and my boy was very confused.

It shouldn't be him picking and choosing. It should be us making the choice so my house will be a no him zone from now on.

Thanks for all listening to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Catchmeifyoucan1 · 02/01/2017 16:31

MagicalMrs - I'm sure the ow doesn't live with him. Through mutual friends I would find out etc or they would mention it. Not sure she's even met his family !!

I don't want him back. I just want to make everyone happy and I thought I was doing that, but his mood changes so frequently it's hard to define boundaries.

As I said when he was vile we did have an okay parenting set up and we attended parents evening, school plays and things alike amicably and with smiles even if false.

This year he has dipped in and out. Interest towards being in a family unit and I really thought that was good for the children but now I imagine they are just as confused as I was.

I would love to know why he thought he could spend a whole year parenting the children on his own on visits but suddenly this year has to have a taste of life altogether.
He seems to be fine when he's here but as soon as he leaves or the cold light of day hits him he becomes defensive.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 02/01/2017 16:35

When this happens:

I would like to add that if I ask why I need to go or why he feels the need to have me in his presence which is a precious small time with the children he just likes to use the line " this is life now. No going back. Or I don't want you back"

You say "Exactly! So you take the children without me and have your time together because we are no longer a family, this is life now and I don't want you back at all."

AhNowTed · 02/01/2017 18:12

Hi OP

So, he gets to play happy families, and feel better about himself.

Your house gets messed up and his is lovely and tidy when he goes home.

He gets to lead the single life bar a whole 48 hours a month.

That's about it really.

Original poster
Catchmeifyoucan1 · 02/01/2017 18:46

I feel foolish but I genuinely thought I was giving the children a great thing by all getting along together.

The more comments that are posted make me feel like I have just let him assuage his guilt - he gets to see everyone happy then go off on his own.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 02/01/2017 18:53

Yep, that's my take on it.

Time to roll back and leave him to actually look after his own kids he n his own home.

Out of interest does he have them overnight till at least the Sunday? So you have (supposedly) a night to yourself. Which is nowhere near what he should be doing but would be a start.

Original poster
Catchmeifyoucan1 · 02/01/2017 18:55

He takes them home after being here.
Or taking us out to play happy families.

He's fine when we are together it's the afterwards, he becomes despondent or nasty.

Like he's had a taste of what he is missing or because he feels guilty to the ow.
I don't know.

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 02/01/2017 18:55

Don't feel foolish OP, you've just been optimistic, kind and hopeful - nothing wrong with any of those ! I was similar to begin with, but it just never (or rarely) seems to work out that way. Although you will always put the dc first, you have needs and rights too.

It's ok to think about how the situation is impacting on your life. Let's face it, your ex is only worrying about himself. Draw a line under the past, and decide how you want to carry on in the future.

AhNowTed · 02/01/2017 19:02

What nice said.

Nothing wrong with seeing the good in a situation but sadly your ex has taken advantage.

No time like a NY to make a change OP.

AnyFucker · 02/01/2017 19:05

Don't feel foolish

You can change this now

AnyFucker · 02/01/2017 19:06

There is no manual how to do this stuff x

Original poster
Catchmeifyoucan1 · 02/01/2017 19:12

I will stand firm.

This was never about wanting him back, I only ever wanted to be as amicable as possible so we could enjoy them whilst they were small. It goes so quickly.

I wanted to be the bigger person so that he would always have oppurtunity. So that I would always be able to say I really tried.

He left me not the children.
I just wish he would leave me out of his trips down "family" lane.

OP posts:
GloriaGaynor · 02/01/2017 19:18

You're in charge of your own life - if you don't want to go on these trips, you don't go. You're not his puppet.

ElspethFlashman · 02/01/2017 19:20

Seeing as his next day is a good bit away now, I would text him "After seeing DS so upset today, I've decided handover will be at the gate from now on. See you next time."

Whatever he texts back, just answer "it's happening. See you next time"

If he phones, don't pick up as you need everything in writing, so you need him to text.

When he inevitably threatens to stop contact, don't answer at all, as no answer will make any difference.

Anyway, it'll give a bit of time to take the heat out of it before his next contact.

GloriaGaynor · 02/01/2017 19:22

He sort of did leave his children. EOW for 24 hours is not much. And that's his choice.

You can't compensate your children for his failings as a father. So many mothers try but the children figure it out. Like your son asking getting upset that he preferred to go home and watch tv rather than spend time with him. He's an arsehole and there's nothing you can do about that.

showmetheminstrels · 02/01/2017 19:24

Stop wondering why he's doing things and wishing he wouldn't do things. You can only control your own behaviour in this! You are not a victim or a puppet, you are an adult who can make her own decisions.

"Hi Jim. As discussed the other day, I have realised that it is confusing the children when we do things together during your contact time with them. We both know things between us are over and have moved on, but we need to model this more clearly for the children otherwise it isn't fair on them. Therefore from now on I will have them ready for you to collect but will need to insist you go back to taking them out with you for the duration of your contact. Thanks for your understanding, OP."

SandyY2K · 02/01/2017 20:00

What you do is have your coat on when he comes to pick the kids up and shut the door behind you as you hand them over to him.

Make plans to get out and stop letting him take advantage.

SandyY2K · 02/01/2017 20:10

EOW for 24 hours is not much. And that's his choice.

^^ This

That's pretty minimal for seeing his kids. Is that as much as he wants to see them?

Does he live with the OW?

I wonder why he hasn't introduced the kids to the OW. Could that be a sign he doesn't see her as a permanent fixture? You know many OWs really get upset that they haven't met the kids.