Just don't know what to do with myself !!!!

[Catchmeifyoucan1]

I'm fed up.
Completely and utterly fed up with my life as a single parent.
It's not the parenting , I love my children and I will do anything for them but I am sick of trying to co parent with such a selfish twit.

Im trying to make it as easy as I can for my children but it's two years in now and I'm running out of strength.

He sees them eow for 24 hours.
In that time he will linger here if he can or try and drag me off with them - I didn't mind this until I realised that he's using my house and me as extra childcare etc.
He's his own home and his own life yet picks and chooses us when it suits him.

He's been with the ow since he left - kids haven't met her.

Yesterday was his day - I was ill. So instead of just taking the kids to his he stayed. Cooked lunch , done some chores and checked on me every while or so. Decided to set up camp with the kids in my room whilst I was I was napping - to watch tele. Perfectly good one in the lounge or at his own house !!!!!
Very kind in some ways in others it just confuses the hell out of my kids.

This is a regular occurrence in spates across the year and I just want to be able to get on with him as a parent.

Not second guessing , nice behaviours or him wanting to spend time with us all.

If I approach the subject with him he gets nasty or defensive. That he doesn't think it confuses the kids and that this is life now , he doesn't want me and that I should just get on.

I never ask for him back when I broach the subject just ask him to stop using me and my house and good nature and to branch off with the kids but it gets his back up.

I did stop inviting him in for a while but he then kept asking me to join them for lunch or other activities.

Short of hiring someone to do the hangovers. What can I do to stop the muddying of waters and have some kid free time.

[nicenewdusters]

Keep cross posting with you OP. It's really easy to fall into the pattern that you have. You're so upset about the break up, your priority is the dc, that you do almost anything to lessen the hurt and upset for them.

After my split my ex came to the former family home for about 6 weeks to see the dc, plus outings that I didn't go on. It was hard but manageable. When he started an argument and being difficult I texted him straight away. No more coming in, pick up from doorstep, don't speak to me. It's not what I wanted, but it's what it is. He had to sort himself out, which he did. He sees the dc regularly and independently of me. They have a good relationship.

It's not ideal, but some men can't co-parent. Your ex looks like one of them. It's his problem, not yours. All you can do is facilitate regular contact. If he stuffs up it's not down to you. You have the right to move on as an adult, you don't need him knocking your self-esteem every time he comes around.

[AnyFucker]

Start from today

He takes them out

You do your own thing. You do not have any intersction except regarding arrangements for the kids

They will adjust and so will you. He can fucking lump it.

[keepingonrunning]

He's having a laugh because he not only has a new gf, he is still constraining your life aswell. Two women under his control - what an ego boost. While he's too lazy to take DC out, he also knows he's preventing you from having a new relationship by never giving you a complete break from child caring. Make that stand! He's a parent, make him behave like one.

[Catchmeifyoucan1]

He doesn't want to be and I don't him.
I don't feel the need to tell him that I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

at the beginning of last year I had all of this, he even tried it on with me at one point to which I told his girlfriend. He didn't seem to think it was inappropriate to be flirting with me, spending extra time here and doing me favours such as bringing small gifts etc. It stopped he didn't move off the door mat and grabbed their stuff and ran. Lovely and for a while it was bliss. Everyone knew their place as it were. And no second guessing.

But he's doing it again and I have told him to stop. In fact whenever I mention it he just tells me he's doesn't want to be with me. That he's accepted life and so should I.

But either he's in denial or he's just a complete and utter twit because his behaviour doesn't reflect a man who's moved merrily along in life.

[nicenewdusters]

I suspect you don't argue because you're being so accommodating and, as you said yourself, don't rock the boat. Why would he argue - he's got what he wants. The OW (sorry) and a cosy little set up to see his kids. But what you want is just as important, because you are just as important as him.

You can be good co-parents without him coming into your house. Co-parenting for me is working together in the dc's best interests. You've described your dc crumpling, that's not in his best interests.

I agree with AnyFucker, start today, why wait. Of course he'll moan, but what can he actually do about it? It's your home, your decision and what's best for your dc.

[keepingonrunning]

I bet if you gave him the slightest encouragement he would be having his cake and eating it too. He's trying to control you, messing with your emotions.
No communication, except the most brief ones about DC. And he doesn't step over your threshold again.

[nicenewdusters]

He may well be in denial and a complete and utter twit ! Either way you don't want him in your house or your life - so he'll have to accept that.

[keepingonrunning]

The nastiness if he can't get his own way is manipulation. He wants you AND OW.

[fallenempires]

Lots of great advice here.Boundaries,let him parent,time for yourself he doesn't need to know why or with whom or if you're by yourself.
Get this in place now before the children become older or it will become more difficult.

[Catchmeifyoucan1]

Ive stopped communicating between visits for a long time. I was tired of being told he didn't want me or that he'd moved on etc. Today is the first time we've spoken through text and that's only because my son was really very sad .. He then said " well it's because I've been spending too much time with you all "

Well if you know that why are you ! If you know it's hurting him. He could have taken them yesterday instead he stayed here like nurse Nancy, cleaning doing washing and quite frankly everything he didn't do when we were together !
When I said that no one was forcing him to stay and it wasn't me uniting or asking he said that he only stayed yesterday for the kids sake ... Why I only had a migraine! And that he didn't want to be with me blah blah.

He just is odd and I do need to be stronger.

[nicenewdusters]

Do you have set days and times? Once you've split you can't try and replicate all of you in the family home, it just doesn't work. You know that, but he obviously doesn't, or just doesn't care because the current set up suits him.

I'd stipulate regular days and hours. What suits you and him (and the dc) - not just him. You will have to be firmer. You can do it.

[Catchmeifyoucan1]

Every other Saturday is all he can muster due to work schedule .... And unwillingness to give up free time.

Ive offered to meet half way. It lessens the drive for him and keeps him to set times and keeps him away from mine.
But there's always an excuse.

He is the polar opposite of when we split up.
He was vile then but for the most part I and the children new where we stood. He put her first and they came second. He didn't linger or want anything to do with me or my house.

Now he just seems odd if I'm honest. He is here more than likely because it's easier and his flat doesn't feel like a home to them.
I don't know but I preferred the vile version opposed to the nasty sky one

[nicenewdusters]

Well, cliche alert, but he's made his bed so he has to lie in it - even if he doesn't like where it is or who's lying next to him!

Sounds like he may be regretting his decision to leave. But again, that's his problem, you don't want him back. I think every other saturday is really poor, he should be making much more of an effort. That's his choice though. Again, just lay down the rules, he can take it or leave it. Harsh I know, but it's what other separated parents do.

[supersop60]

He's cake-eating. He has the 'happy family' times AND the OW.
Anyfucker is right. Decide what your boundaries are (take a bit of time to think through this) spell them out in words of one syllable AND the consequences, and then stick to them. Your self-esteem will shoot up, the kids will know where they are, and so will he.
For example " I don't want you seeing the children in my house anymore. It's confusing and upsetting for them. They will be ready with their coats on when you call. If you don't do this, you will not see them". Practise saying your boundaries (whatever they are) out loud before you speak to him. It really helps. Good luck.

[Iamdobby63]

I do agree with the other posters that he is stringing you along, drawing you in to very quickly put you back in your place. Perhaps as a back up? I don't know but it doesn't matter his reasons for it - you just need to be stronger and take control of your life and your future.

I also suspect that his answer that he doesn't want you back for every conversation is an easy shut down, because it stears the conversation away.

I would probably text him something along the lines of 'as you only see the children for 24 hours in an 336 hour period I don't feel it's right that I encroach on your time with them, we are not a couple any more and the children need to adjust to the truth and reality of our life.'

Be prepared for him to try and talk you round, probably using the children to do it. Have something planned and don't falter even if the children get upset. It's tough but they will be fine and much better off in the long run.

I really think he quite likes the power game he is playing with you.

[Catchmeifyoucan1]

Thank you now I am more awake and less emotional I thought I would respond.

I do agree with the we get on and don't argue because I'm being accommodating - I dare not offer an opinion because I'm afraid it will rock the boat and cause some sort of upset.

He really hurt me and I don't want to feel like that again so I suppose giving into him allows me to have some control over him not hurting me. But it seems that it is anyway.

I don't want him back, I did for a long time but I got a new job at the beginning of last year and it really glued me back together. The children and I have routine and we're all just happy and enjoying life. They don't miss out.

I am a perfectionist though and I often chase after the wrong things - not that I was chasing him but I have been allowing him to do as he pleases so that my children would have a more envolved dad. I do now see though I was confusing them more than helping.

So that I don't think I'm going crazy ... In responses to him putting me in my place saying he didn't want me I said to him why couldn't he approach the conversation in a kind and adult manner.
He said that he only stays with them for the kids. So life didn't affect the kids and he's only kind to me for the kids.

The kids don't ask to stay here with me. The kids don't ask him to bring new games for everyone to play "together" or to take them out with me.
No one asked him to look after me yesterday, he's never done it before and I've been much worse.

What I think made him nasty today was my little boy asking him why he didn't want to be with us all and that he didn't understand.
He refused to answer him and shirked off while I had to explain.

[Iamdobby63]

Gosh, he does like to put you down doesn't he? It says far more about him than you though.

Even people who don't like each other can be pleasant and respectful in front of the children, that's all you need.

Draw new boundaries, you can be subtle and build them up gradually if you prefer but make sure with each change you stick to it and don't get talked around or you will be making a rod for your own back.

He saw how upset your son got so it really shouldn't need to be spelled out to him but it will probably be more convenient for him to ignore it.

[Cricrichan]

Omg. He's basically doing what he wants with all your lives. Only seeing the kids for 48 hours in a month is ridiculous.

Agree with everyone. Have the kids ready and you be dressed and ready to go out too. Make plans initially so you can't change them even if your ex tries to talk you round.

[magoria]

Was it your food he cooked? Your gas, electricity, water, heating etc?

Basically he spent fuck all of his own money entertaining, feeding or doing anything with his own kids.

As long as the DC don't see the fall out of you standing up to him tell him you don't want him in your house any longer, have everything ready by the door and don't let him in.

[Catchmeifyoucan1]

He went out and bought food.

He doesn't usually spend all day here he'll try a few hours or try and coax us all out with him but I have said no more often now as to be honest I just don't want to play To his tune anymore.

[GloriaGaynor]

The amount he keeps telling you he doesn't want you back makes me suspect he does, or at least wants both you and OW. Trying it on is par for the course.

Call his bluff. Next time he tells you this, just reply, 'I don't want you back either. I don't want you here. I don't want you upsetting and confusing the children. From now on you will pick up the children and leave. and I will not be involved in 'family' days out as we're not a family.'

Tell him he is the one who needs to get over his choices, and not keep trying to hang out like the split hasn't happened.

Currently he's treating two women and his children appalling and you and his gf are letting him get away with it.

[GloriaGaynor]

Xpost, you need to say no always from now on.

[MsGameandWatch]

Oh God my ex used to do this, still tries to. I can't tell you how trapped it used to make me feel. My thoughts are, that as long as you're all still having a jolly family time together he doesn't have to feel like shit for what he did - "see look how well we all get on". He's basically getting little tastes of Family Time to keep him ticking over and feeding into self congratulating himself for "how well it's all going" and "it was all for the best really".

You, right now are feeding in and contributing to him feeling like he's a bit of an all round good guy family man at the moment. I'm quite sure you do NOT want to be doing that do you?

The kids won't care one jot! My kids have autism so it was hard to begin with as my dd's anxiety meant she needed me with her most of the time. I did stop the Big Family Days Out though, which were meaning he still got to have his great family time as well as his other women and single life.

We used to do "Family Hugs" where we all had a family hug together. He STILL tries to rope me into those 😐 and it's very hard to say no with your kids are listening and wanting to have them. Most times I manage to avoid them or if they HAVE to happen - and I am cringing just writing this - I ensure that I cuddle the kids only.

[MsGameandWatch]

Oh and he will be feeling so puffed up and telling anyone who will listen how "we get on so well that I stayed and looked after her when she was ill yesterday". It's very manipulative because it makes others think that YOU are fine with it so they have to be too and also you won't get the gentleness and support you need from them as you're clearly managing great and are even amicable. My ex robbed me of MUCH support and care in this way and I was basically left to get on with it.

[kaitlinktm]

I have tried speaking to my ex calmly and said that he didn't need to have spent the whole day yesterday helping around the house etc he could have taken them and enjoyed them at his own home but he retorts the same thing " this is life now. I don't want you back"

This is what I don't get. If he doesn't want you back why would he want to spend time in your presence when he didn't need to? You telling him he didn't need to spend the whole day at your house does not equate to you thinking he wants you back - rather the opposite if anything.

Telling him to stop kidding himself - you aren't stupid and you know he doesn't want you back - and what's more, you certainly don't want him back - or to be around him at all. Surely he should welcome this.