Just don't know what to do with myself !!!!

[Catchmeifyoucan1]

I'm fed up.
Completely and utterly fed up with my life as a single parent.
It's not the parenting , I love my children and I will do anything for them but I am sick of trying to co parent with such a selfish twit.

Im trying to make it as easy as I can for my children but it's two years in now and I'm running out of strength.

He sees them eow for 24 hours.
In that time he will linger here if he can or try and drag me off with them - I didn't mind this until I realised that he's using my house and me as extra childcare etc.
He's his own home and his own life yet picks and chooses us when it suits him.

He's been with the ow since he left - kids haven't met her.

Yesterday was his day - I was ill. So instead of just taking the kids to his he stayed. Cooked lunch , done some chores and checked on me every while or so. Decided to set up camp with the kids in my room whilst I was I was napping - to watch tele. Perfectly good one in the lounge or at his own house !!!!!
Very kind in some ways in others it just confuses the hell out of my kids.

This is a regular occurrence in spates across the year and I just want to be able to get on with him as a parent.

Not second guessing , nice behaviours or him wanting to spend time with us all.

If I approach the subject with him he gets nasty or defensive. That he doesn't think it confuses the kids and that this is life now , he doesn't want me and that I should just get on.

I never ask for him back when I broach the subject just ask him to stop using me and my house and good nature and to branch off with the kids but it gets his back up.

I did stop inviting him in for a while but he then kept asking me to join them for lunch or other activities.

Short of hiring someone to do the hangovers. What can I do to stop the muddying of waters and have some kid free time.

[Catchmeifyoucan1]

His choice.
Work commitments and lack of free time to begin with but he seems to have more free time now and just doesn't use it on the children.

He's never been stopped or had them used as a pawn - he just wasn't interested in anything but him and ow.

I don't know why, I doubt ow knows that he spends so much time with me in tow tbh. As when she found out last time she wasn't happy.

They don't live together.

[GloriaGaynor]

I reckon so Sandy but I didn't say that to the OP in case it got her hopes up. I still don't know if OP would have him back if he begged?

Sounds like he's gone off the greener grass and misses his family.

[Catchmeifyoucan1]

No I wouldn't have him back.
It's not fair on he or I to have to live with one another after all that has happened.
He'd be trying to please me and if always be second guessing.

Satisfaction of him making the wrong choice yes ... But day to day he has no place in my life.

[Catchmeifyoucan1]

Thanks for all the advice :-)

[GloriaGaynor]

Good luck OP, I hope you manage to get him under control.

Come back if you have any further difficulties.

[AhNowTed]

Hi OP

You're obvs a very nice person and there's no shame in trying to do the best by your DC, but as previous posters have said you're being royally taken advantage of, and I hope you can find the strength to curtail your ex for your own and DC sanity.. good luck x

[Catchmeifyoucan1]

Thank you.

I really need to.
The only person it's helping is him and the children and I are losing out.

He'll have to make do with doorstep drop offs Frim now on.

[IonaNE]

OP, when he comes, have the children ready with coats on outside the front door, and you with your coat on, too. Tell him you will be out, you have somewhere to go, an appointment, etc. Agree when you'll be back, at which point he can drop off the children (but not come inside). End of story. He can't play happy families any more, because he has left you and the children and he has made his choice. My guess is, btw, that he's mostly lazy and does not want to deal with the children on his own.

[Catchmeifyoucan1]

Yes that was my worry.
The first year of my separating he wasn't though he was very involved and took them off ... The second year he became more reliant on having me around.

[Muldjewangk]

I had similar to this but my children were older. I used to feel like ex was living in my life, yet he had his own separate life. Twelve years after we had separated and eventually divorced he told me one day that he had taken the wrong path. We were standing at my front door, I said ok, that's nice, see you then and shut the door on him. He had a girlfriend at the time and they got married six months later. One other thing I noticed about him has always had a woman in his life, he has never had a day in all the years I have known him as a single person. When I met him when I was 16 and he was 19 he dumped his then girlfriend for me, it's a pattern he has and should have been a red flag for me. We still get on but all these years later I would never be attracted to him, ever.

I think the advice you have been given is good, don't let him in your house, not ever. He is too lazy to take your children all the way back to his house. He is enjoying spending time at your house, he still gets his fix of his family life. You will never move on and get your life as a single woman with him popping in and out. This will go on for years if you don't stop it now. He doesn't have you at his house, don't have him at yours. You get in first next time and tell him you only want it to be as amicable as possible, that does not mean you want to spend time with him.

[AhNowTed]

Thoroughly second what Lamb and Catch said.

Up to you now OP, you can do it.

It's totally for the best x

[Cherrysoup]

Meet him at the door, dc with coats on, hi/bye, dc out, door closed. He is taking the piss big time but you know that, don't you?

[Catchmeifyoucan1]

Yes I gathered that but I suppose I wanted to think he wanted to make the best of a bad situation.

Cake and eating is most likely the right scenario here and I've been letting him do that for a whole year so am as much to blame for any confusion caused.

Just have to live and learn.

[flapjackfairy]

I agree that he is protesting too much that he does not want you back . And it is funny how he wants to be more amicable than when he first left.
Maybe the grass isnt greener after all!
He may be testing the waters but you obviously dont want to touch him with a bargepole and rightly so.
I would put all boundaries in place and refuse to let him over threshhold . Taking control will be so liberating and have the added bonus of driving him mad so a win win.

[Pheebs770]

Send him an email:
I know you don't want want me back, can you please stop saying that its irritating & i don't want to get back with you either.
I need my time and space away from you & the kids to move on so all your contact with them will now take place at yours, not mine.

Sympathies - my ex used to do this too. He said his landlord didn't allow children which was rubbish. He'd come round put his feet up make a coffee & fall asleep! He said it was better for the children. But after we'd all got over the initial shock (6 months ish) i said i needed my space & he agreed to have them eow ( only sat night though I'm hoping to change that to Fri & sat soon). Surprised he agreed but i was very firm for once. He needs 'managing' iykwim i bide my time and email him carefully chosen words. We are crap communicators in person.

[liletsthepink]

Can you plan to do something for yourself next time he is due to have them? Get your hair or nails done, meet a friend for coffee, go to a shop that isn't child friendly? That way, you can hand the children over and go straight out, even if you come back after about 20 minutes. Make the most of your child free time.

I agree with pp that you need to tell him that it's in the children's interests that he always sees them in his own home. It's more difficult for him to argue if you make it all about the children's needs rather than yours.

[Catchmeifyoucan1]

When we first split he could barely look me in the eye - would wait out in the car etc! Was constantly on the defensive and just generally very unattached.

Throughout last year he was much more inclined to have me join them and we do get on very well when we are together but again that could be part of my not wanting to rock the boat etc.

Him choosing to have me around on every visit isn't anyone's choice but his - the kids don't ask and when they did when we first split up he just retorted the were not together anymore lines.
This u turn has been dragged out over a year so him regretting is unlikely unless he can't make his mind up.
I don't want him back. I just want to be stronger and stop the constant eow of him regretting being nice to me etc.