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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dd has met daddy's girlfriend.

84 replies

Teepish · 01/01/2017 21:43

I asked her if she enjoyed the fireworks last night. She said yes, and so did X (the gf). She said she met daddy's friend X at Christmas. She said she put plaits in her hair for her and the three of them went to the soft play.

Its been less than 6 months since we Dh and I parted. X was the other OW. I found out that Dh was having a full blown relationship with her behind my back for months, all his work colleagues knew. She is also a work colleague.
She has net Dh's family and been out with them. I am but a mere memory now.
I am very happy to be split from him and his family but this new piece if news and hurt me. I knew it was going to happen eventually....but it hurts and stings.

I feel so very, very alone.

OP posts:

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 02/01/2017 00:31

I can feel your pain.

Children crying isn't always what it seems. She might be crying when it's you and not him because she feels unwanted or unloved because he didn't come. Not that she wants him more iykwim.

I used to pick my friends DS up most days, he was always really happy with the arrangement, if his Mum or Dad went for him, he'd cry and ask why I wasn't picking him up. He didn't love me more, he just didn't like the routine changing.

They're just not sure how else to express what they're feeling.

She might cry to go there or see Daddy or god forbid the OW, but it might be because she's been told they'll do x next time or because she wants them to want her. Or even when you've told her off or sent her to bed etc.

It's not personal, it's simply them navigating their way through life.

They know who loves them. Fear not x

Stripyhoglets · 02/01/2017 00:39

She's not so certain of his place in her life, she's certain of yours. She can say anything to you as she feels safe with you. It must be so hard for you to hear though.

Original poster

Teepish · 02/01/2017 01:19

You're all very wise ladies.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Not just this, but the whole 7 years of my relationship with that man.
If I'm philosophical about it, I can say that its took this relationship to finally make me realise my worth, because that's been a problem since my teens, not having boundaries and getting involved with wrong men.
It's just a shame I had to saddle my daughter with the wrong father..... I know that's a weird and wrong thing to say but it's how I feel about him.

OP posts:

WynterBlossom · 02/01/2017 01:48

Oh Teepish, I feel you've literally just wrote that for me!

I honestly couldn't have put it better myself.

I thought my other relationship changed me & I finally saw things clearly but I was so bloody wrong....this whole thing with my ex has honestly woken me up to what a messed up relationship me & him really had & how desperately unhappy I was....I think so bloody different from before, it's like I went to bed an immature 15 year old & woke up a very mature 35 year old....I'm only 27 lol.

It's tough getting used to this new view on life however it's the bloody wake up call I so desperately needed, otherwise I'd spend mine & my sons life doing this....one day, I will look my ex in the face with no hurt, no bitterness & no hate & sincerely thank him for leaving me.....for ending the relationship when I was far too weak to do it myself. Until then, il live my life for me & my son & focus on us!

You'll get through this quicker than you think, just be positive

Original poster

Teepish · 02/01/2017 09:20

You're right Wynter, he has done you a favour. You're going to be one very tough cookie (you are already).
If we can learn from our experiences, no matter how awful, we've won, haven't we...? That's what I'm trying to tell myself anyway.

OP posts:

RebelSoldier · 02/01/2017 09:39

Nice to see support on this thread. Can I add a question? My ex has introduced a "friend" to kids who had "sleepovers" at his house. What shall I do? Shall I tell them who it is?

RebelSoldier · 02/01/2017 09:44

And he's only been in his own place for a few weeks. Eldest is 7 so not stupid. I feel shit about it.

Chucklecheeks · 02/01/2017 10:05

Rebel is it the OW?

My ex moved straight in to OW house the day he got caught and introduced the kids the week later.

On advice from a professional I wouldnt allow him to play the friend card. My eldest was eight and wasn't stupid. We sat both DC down together and explained who she was.

Any questions that arose from that have been dealt with accordingly. The psychologist advised me that not keeping them informed of what was happening (age appropriately) would have an adverse effect on them. They knew dad had a girlfriend when he lived with us, it's helped them understand what's happened and why we are not still together.

We dealt with a lot of EA from him when he lived here and then he just suddenly 'left'. Both DC had a clear understanding that he didn't leave because of them, which was very important as he blamed everyone but himself for his failings.

RebelSoldier · 02/01/2017 11:25

Thanks Chuckle
Well the day he walked out he wouldn't answer his phone because he was too busy fucking her I think. But it was their first date apparently. Who the hell knows.

RebelSoldier · 02/01/2017 11:25

I know truth is best policy. But why has he inteoduced them so early and without telling me and lying about who she is. Immature twat hence end of marriage.

TreeTop7 · 02/01/2017 11:58

In years to come, your daughter will almost certainly realise the truth. Meanwhile, I suppose that all you can do is be glad that OW is kind to her and treats her well. It's really hard. I'm very recently separated but when the time comes where I'll have to deal with this scenario, I will feel the way you're feeling I'm sure. So sorry.

Original poster

Teepish · 02/01/2017 16:56

But what if she prefers him. Today she told me something funny and said "I will have to tell X that"

She's known her 5 minutes and loves her

Meanwhile I'm the one dd whinges and tantrums to

I feel like life is just total shit right now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Teepish · 02/01/2017 17:04

You know what, I've always felt I was too boring for anyone to really want me so I tried to be something i wasn't for every man I was with and it never worked and I ended up heartbroken again and again

I must just be too dull for anyone, even my daughter asks me why we don't go on as many days out as she does with daddy

I feel like a complete waste of space

I'm not enough for anyone in my life, my DM has always criticised me, dh's family never seemed to want to connect with me, I just am not enough

OP posts:

polarpercy · 02/01/2017 17:28

You are enough, for you and for your daughter.

To believe it though is easier said than done. When someone cheats on you, whether they stay or go, you question everything you thought you knew. You question your memories, your actions when all that you should question is them. The cheat is the one to be found wanting. It took me a while and I'm not totally there, but I'm close enough to believe that now!

pineappleeyes · 02/01/2017 18:56

Teepish everything you say I could have written. You are enough. You just haven't found the one who's worthy of you yet.
You have the mundane stuff to do. you can't go on loads of days out and fill days with activities. Your ex has your dd for 24 hours so he can do stuff with her in that time, then he has the rest of the time he doesnt have your dd to do all his own shit. You're a single parent, it's hard your juggling everything. Don't be too hard on yourself. ( meant in the least patronising way)

You only get one mum. Try and see your dd liking his new partner as a positive thing. Just think how shit it would be if she didn't like her. If she is kind to your dd that's all that matters at this stage. I know it's hard. Like I said earlier I've been there and letting my dc go with ex twatty dp and his new partner was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. But you are much better off without him and you'll always be number 1 to your lovely dd.

Original poster

Teepish · 02/01/2017 19:42

Dd is always keen to make friends. From the sounds of it the gf is lovely to her but how can she reconcile being pals with my daughter after going behind my back with my husband
She, like dh must have no respect or care for...either of us

If dd didn't like her, it would mean she would be scary or abrupt. I would prefer that, then he would have to keep her away from dd and it would be easier to deal with that

OP posts:

RebelSoldier · 02/01/2017 19:47

Your daughter is comfortable with you and loves you. that's why it's easy for her to be her real grumpy whiny self with you :)

You sound so sad. I'm sorry

Original poster

Teepish · 02/01/2017 20:03

I just feel worthless tonight, again. Surely a decent man wouldn't be so insensitive, or a decent woman for that matter

OP posts:

KittenDixon · 02/01/2017 20:44

I know it feels bad when your daughter mentions your ex or his gf.

It is absolutely fine for it to feel bad to you.

But look at the situation from your daughter's point of view. She isn't saying that to hurt you.

Her dad has left. This will make her feel anxious. One of her parent's doesn't live there anymore. She is desperate to make sure no-one else leaves. She is also desperate to make sure her dad doesn't totally disappear. Her dad has probably made it quite obvious to her that he expects his GF to be included, and that his love is conditional on that. So your daughter is doing her best, probably unconsciously to respond to that. Previously in her life mummy and daddy have wanted the same things from her, so now that her dad wants her to include the GF, she just assumes that mum wants that too.

She's probably a bit too young to distinguish between what mummy wants, what daddy wants and what "mummy and daddy" want. Everything is changing and she is doing her best to adapt to that.

The fact that she whinges and tantrums to you shows you that she feels safe being her real self with you, expressing her real feelings. With dad and gf she knows she has to do what is "expected" of her- her dad has already shown her that he leaves if he doesn't get his way. So deep down, she is already very scared of that.

I know you wouldn't intentionally do this, but please take extra care not to put your daughter in a place where she feels she has to choose between you. It might come to that anyway, but it is a horrendous position for a child to be in.

KittenDixon · 02/01/2017 20:52

My dad's new partner was scary and abrupt with me Teepish. Be careful for what you wish for, because it wasn't easier. There is no reason to believe he will put the interests of his child over the interests of his mistress- there is already a lot of reason to believe he will prioritise himself the the OW not his child.

My dad just insisted that I spend time with her anyway. That caused no end of pain and trouble.

Evergreen17 · 02/01/2017 20:53

So sorry OP. So very sorry that you are going through this.

KittenDixon · 02/01/2017 20:54

He's not a decent man Teepish and she's not a decent woman. They are both shits. They are both selfish.

Go forward on that basis- don't expect or depend on any decent behaviour from either of them and it will be a lot less hurtful.

Original poster

Teepish · 02/01/2017 20:57

Thank you again everyone for reading. I'm sorry some of you have been through the mill as well. What a crap time.

Don't know if I mentioned this already, but the gf is a more than a decade younger than me and dh. And we are in late thirties. She is a child being matey with my child, in my eyes. I do not know what happened to my dh. He is not who I married.

OP posts:

user1482269580 · 02/01/2017 21:10

me and my youngest sons Dad had a terrible break up he cheated on me a lot but I still spoke to him and maintained an amicable relationship and truly believed he was sorry for everything he did. When he met someone else he told me he had planned to introduce them and I was fine with it, they have now been together about 2 years and she goes out of her way to do school runs and even attends hospital appointments with me for my son (dad's always working).

Anyway was about 6 months ago when I found out through a friend that he is cheating on her just as he cheated on me, I now find it extremely difficult to deal with the fact that this poor women moved hundred of miles away from her family to live with my ex and to be a great addition to my sons life only to be treated just as badly as I was. They got engaged a few weeks ago and I can only imagine she has no idea of what he's really like and it hurts to think one day the truth will come out and my poor son is going to be suffering yet again because that man cannot be faithful!

Sorry just thought I'd add my rant into here!

dataandspot · 02/01/2017 21:27

I absolutely know how much it hurts to have your child go on and on about how wonderful dads new partner is.

BUT be very careful not to show how much it hurts you outwardly or your child can use this to hurt you and children can be hurtful especially when they navigate a new unsettling situation.

Also I wish when I felt like you I had had the emotional strength to focus on myself and not my ex. I should have used the previous time alone to make my situation better eg exercised, improve my living space, become more employable etc.

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