Help! We found inappropriate text messages on dsd's mobile phone.

[SheerWill]

Please forgive me if you find I'm drip feeding. I haven't slept much having only found out about 8pm last night.

I returned home from visiting friends to find dh very distressed. Yesterday he picked up his daughter from up north and brought her down to us. While he was picking up his mum (who is also staying with us) dsd told them she had a 15 year old boyfriend. Dsd is 12. She is a vulnerable young lady who attends a special school for students with mental health problems and Autistic Spectrum Disorder. She's only been attending school find September having refused school since the end of Y6. We have had concerns about her use of internet/social media for around 2 years. She was hospitalised 2 years ago for self harming and dh exw told him that she'd found evidence of dsd emailing older men and that messages had been inappropriate - of a sexual nature. Dh wanted to report it and do something at the time but exw persuaded him that due to her fragile state of mind they needed to not report it and he was persuaded.

Fast forward to now. Dsd has virtually no policing of her social media/gadgets use when she is at home with exw. On a number of occasions since the incident I describe above she has posted videos on YouTube where she talks about things no 12 year old should know. She has now created a Facebook account (separate to the one her mum knows about) that we only just found out about. She has also been texting this 15 year old boyfriend who goes to her school and is also autistic.

Dh asked to see her phone and she point blank refused. We police all the children's internet and gadget use while they are here. He managed to get her phone off her and she had a meltdown. When DH read the messaged they were extremely sexually explicit. No revealing photos have been shared but it has been encouraged. His messaged are more explicit than hers but from what I've read she started it.

DH is absolutely distraught. As soon as I got home and he told me we put his mum in charge of the kids so we could talk privately and we made notes on all the occasions leading up to this incident. We have now contacted the police where she lives as she is already known to social services and CAMHS. We are so frustrated that her mum continues to refuse to police her phone/tablet and internet use. The police are going to get back in touch with us either today or Monday.

We're in a mess and don't know what to do. I would much rather she stay with us until this whole sitation is resolved. DSD will hate it but I feel this has now gone far enough and she needs parents who will not only love her but also give her boundaries and protect her (from herself if nothing else). She has very poor self esteem and body image issues and I'm sure she just likes the attention and the nice comments these men have made but it's horrendous.

Any advice/guidance welcome - please help!

And diminished responsibility kicks in at the point of trial/plea. It doesn't stop you getting arrested. The law still applies.

Because arresting a 15 year old who, attending special school may be just as vulnerable as the OPs DD, would be a fucking brilliant outcome

You know what, I'm done here. Said my bit. But I still can't believe anyone is having a pop at the OP here. Blows my mind.

is that your take - that posters are either supporting the op or 'having a pop' ?

It's that basic?
And you deal with SS/police regarding safeguarding issues?

Niiice, pagwatch. Way to unnecessarily go on the personal attack. But since you have, I'll answer:

No, my "take" is that posts which imply or outright state that the OP is just trying to undermine the mother through trying to protect DSD count as "having a pop". Posts which say "Christ every single post you've made sounds like you're almost loving this". Posts which say "in your rush to prove her mums parenting is crap".

You're saying those things don't count as "having a pop"?

I'm saying the issue is complicated as it involves two young people who both have SN.

Suggesting that the boy is culpable and insinuating you have some kind of superior insight as you might professionally have to comment on such issues invited a personal response.
Don't imply you have some kind of professional insight if you are then going to post uninformed bollocks

I didn't suggest he was culpable. I said that crimes may have been committed and I didn't intend to suggest that the boy was the only factor. I might be misremembering but didn't the OP say something about suspected grooming by older men earlier on?

I wouldn't claim to be an expert but I've got a safeguarding responsibility to an extent in my job (although not a specialism, anyone in my job has to deal with this stuff on occasion) and had a pretty recent CSE course in which the police officer giving the course made it very clear that the law DOES take these things very seriously even if the sexting is apparently consensual, or done in a context of a SEND diagnosis/special school/EHCP/whatever. His advice was always, always to make an emergency referral to both SS and police the instant the suspected offence is discovered. If anything the vulnerability of the kids involved makes a quick referral more vital not less.

Maybe that's all wrong. But nothing "invites" you to imply I'm shit at my job, ta.

Apologies if I've misunderstood anything here.

You haven't misunderstood anything

HTHs

Sounds awful and the OP is probably shocked and shaken up by it all.

However your DPs actions now will make or break any constructive relationship with the child's mother - and so you have to be very sure that you have no other choice that is better for the child.

Poor kid

SEND = special education needs/disabilities
EHCP = education health and care plan. What used to be called a statement.

Just saying that the investigation has to be carried out regardless of those factors.

Anyway I didn't mean to piss anyone off. I've always mostly lurked until recently and the last thing I wanted was to get in a row. I was just a bit shocked at a couple of things said to the OP that I thought were a bit much, but maybe I read it wrong or missed something. I'm sure you've all been here much longer than me and I don't want to stick my neck out.

I understand the acronyms too but also not 'in the context of an EHCP'

It's also not about being pissed off.
I'm concerned for the best outcome for both of the vulnerable young people in this thread. I'm not sure this is currently the focus for everyone involved.

However your DPs actions now will make or break any constructive relationship with the child's mother - and so you have to be very sure that you have no other choice that is better for the child.

I absolutely agree. We would like to have a constructive relationship with exw, but I'm not sure this is possible.

The only reason we contacted the police at 1am was because by the time the girld wne to bed and we'd got our thought together regarding (not just this incident but everything leading up to this point) is was that time and we contacte 101. We were on the phone for over an hour because we had to explain first to our county police before being transferred over to the police where dsd lives. The police recommended we contact social services and because it's the holidays the only option was to ring out of hours. She's due to go home Monday which is a bank holiday so we wanted to get as much advice from as many different sources before then so we are sure we've mae the right decision.

As mentioned before dh wanted to report dsd's inappropriate use of social media and the internet 2 years ago when she was 10, but he listened to exw and she persuaded him not to report it. Because dsd was particularly vulerable at that point - having been hospitalized for self harming, he agreed and didn't take it any further. But since then this has snowballed out of control.

I honestly feel sorry for this lad because if it hadn't been him it probably would have been another. The messaged dsd sent were shorter but just as disgusting as his and it's impossible to tell who started it. I hope the fact that he has a diagnosis protects him in the way this is dealt with both by the police, his parents and by the school, however it's also important for everyone to know what's going on and hopefully he might be supported to realise that he can't talk to 12 year old girls using that kind of filthy language or persuade them to do things which in a few months when he's 16 would make him a child abuser.

I just cannot agree cansu that we are over dramatic, when we have warned exw about dsd use of social media and the internet repeatedly over 2 years (so she was 10 years old when se started talking to older men online). Dh is not confident that exw will deal with the situation at all - she hasn't in the past, which puts dsd even more at risk.

We do worry that whatever action we take we might then result in us not being allowed to see dsd for a long time afterwards which means we won't be able to continue to help her. Dh has parental responsibility and wants to be more involved but it isn't easy when we live nearly 200 miles away.

We haven't told exw yet as we wanted to be sure of what we wanted to do before letting her know. We still don't know what to do for the best truth be told and we are very conscious of the fact that dsd is very fond of this lad and probably prefers the life she has up north with lots of freedom to do as she likes. Doesn't mean it's in her best interests but that is for dh to decide. I can only advise him and offer them both my support.

I can only advise him and offer them both my support.

Correct. I think you need to keep reminding yourself of this. In every other sentence you are writing "we" as if the decision is joint. Although she is clearly an important part of your life, you are not her parent and decisions about her welfare are not yours to make.

If her dad is concerned that exw is not parenting her adequately then he should be involving social care and the court system if necessary.

You should not be seeking to have a relationship with his ex wife because that is not your concern or business. It is your Dh's business to have a relationship with her that facilitates parenting their child.

I find it hard to believe this is an area that relates to your work. You realised this girl was vulnerable and was at risk through her use of social media two years ago-nothing changes and you did nothing and now the problem becomes apparent again. You sound hostile to the mother but I think you all need a bit of self reflecting - had you made this choice in your professional capacity you would be at risk of disciplinary at least. And whilst her posts must be awful to read and very distressing they are not disgusting, they allude to a failure to protect her that is distressing but they reveal more about her influencers and the internet than her.

One point - your husband could take compassionate leave for this type of thing. He just needs to speak to his oc and/or welfare officer or chaplain. They'll also ensure he has other support.

I get its very disturbing and you're naturally very worried but I agree you need to step back just slightly. Support dh, get information and support for him and dsd but ultimately decisions are down to him and exw and to a degree dsd.

It sounds as if the whole situation has been poorly handled from the start by every adult involved. The suicide attempt/self harm made it MORE important this be addressed not that it should have been delayed and pretty much ignored for the next 2 years.

The adults in this ALL need to stop being concerned with their own issues and come together to support this child and move her away from this behaviour.

Monitoring and controlling her tech use is not the main issue, it sounds like she's seeking sexual attention which indicates she may already have been abused in real life.

Also withdrawing her ability to do this just by removing tech doesn't deal with the cause, the feelings, or even her possibly seeking to meet inappropriate people for inappropriate reasons in real life.

I think it's easy to forget children/teens were being exposed to abuse before the Internet arrived.

OP,

I just wanted to say to not reveal info that can identify you to anyone who knows you on here. (Like the distance you are from her mum etc )

Also to say that you've done the right thing and ignore the posters saying you're enjoying this and the rest of that nonsense.

With a SG responsibility you had to do what you did, as it could come back to bite you if you didn't.

I hope her mum understands and doesn't go apes**t.

This incident will likely result in a STRAT meeting with SS. I've sat in on them before. As the boy is 15 and has SN, that will obviously be taken into account in how to proceed.

The interest of both children will be a concern, as well as what is in the public interest. Prosecution of a vulnerable child is unlikely to be in the public interest and the CPS will make that clear .... depending on what comes to light.

Your dh needs to tell ex asap. It is perfectly possible police or ss will call her and want to visit, surely finding out that way is likely to be more damaging to your dh relationships with his ex and children.

How is DSD reacting to everything being taken from her?