Help! We found inappropriate text messages on dsd's mobile phone.

[SheerWill]

Please forgive me if you find I'm drip feeding. I haven't slept much having only found out about 8pm last night.

I returned home from visiting friends to find dh very distressed. Yesterday he picked up his daughter from up north and brought her down to us. While he was picking up his mum (who is also staying with us) dsd told them she had a 15 year old boyfriend. Dsd is 12. She is a vulnerable young lady who attends a special school for students with mental health problems and Autistic Spectrum Disorder. She's only been attending school find September having refused school since the end of Y6. We have had concerns about her use of internet/social media for around 2 years. She was hospitalised 2 years ago for self harming and dh exw told him that she'd found evidence of dsd emailing older men and that messages had been inappropriate - of a sexual nature. Dh wanted to report it and do something at the time but exw persuaded him that due to her fragile state of mind they needed to not report it and he was persuaded.

Fast forward to now. Dsd has virtually no policing of her social media/gadgets use when she is at home with exw. On a number of occasions since the incident I describe above she has posted videos on YouTube where she talks about things no 12 year old should know. She has now created a Facebook account (separate to the one her mum knows about) that we only just found out about. She has also been texting this 15 year old boyfriend who goes to her school and is also autistic.

Dh asked to see her phone and she point blank refused. We police all the children's internet and gadget use while they are here. He managed to get her phone off her and she had a meltdown. When DH read the messaged they were extremely sexually explicit. No revealing photos have been shared but it has been encouraged. His messaged are more explicit than hers but from what I've read she started it.

DH is absolutely distraught. As soon as I got home and he told me we put his mum in charge of the kids so we could talk privately and we made notes on all the occasions leading up to this incident. We have now contacted the police where she lives as she is already known to social services and CAMHS. We are so frustrated that her mum continues to refuse to police her phone/tablet and internet use. The police are going to get back in touch with us either today or Monday.

We're in a mess and don't know what to do. I would much rather she stay with us until this whole sitation is resolved. DSD will hate it but I feel this has now gone far enough and she needs parents who will not only love her but also give her boundaries and protect her (from herself if nothing else). She has very poor self esteem and body image issues and I'm sure she just likes the attention and the nice comments these men have made but it's horrendous.

Any advice/guidance welcome - please help!

No information is every offered by exw and we only sometimes get told if we push for information.

Don't rely on exW.

Insist on being kept up to date by the agencies directly. If necessary, enlist the services of a solicitor to write and ensure they know that your DH does expect them to fulfil their legal obligations and that failure to do so will result in legal action.

After a number of embarrassing, high profile legal cases, that's usually enough to change professionals attitude towards a Non resident father.
It's a fight he shouldn't have to engage in but is necessary in order to ensure his DD is safe.

What we're also worried about is - if we do take her back as planned and inform exw she will probably not let us see dsd for a long time.

She has form for using dsd as a pawn against dh and then there's nothing we can do to help her.

Im sorry if we seem overly negative about exw but we have had such a battle and I can see courts and solicitors now being needed. Don't know how we can afford to do that after having to deal with my exh.

Blended family joys. :-)

Feeling she might be transgender could well be closely tied with her ASD (feeling different, having different - less stereotypically feminine - interests to female peers, rigid thinking about gender stereotypes) and having unrestricted access to trans stories online.

I seem to remember that there is a book on relationships for Aspie women, I don't know if it tackles sexual exploitation and inappropriately sexualised behaviour in girls, but it might help you appreciating the gaps in her understanding about relationships.

The whole thing needs to be looked at as it sounds like she has been abused, at least online by adult men, and it could be that she has been abused in person too (not particularly thinking of the 'boyfriend' - they both need support about boundaries - but just that she seems incredibly vulnerable in general).

Reading with interest. We are very careful (or thought we were) with dds Internet and just found out she has been groomed online by a paedophile. Dd is under 12. Devastated obviously. Police involved. We thought we'd done everything but she is better with computers than we realised :( handholding... I've had to get tablets from Dr as emotional turmoil has been horrendous. Dd still doesn't see what was wrong I don't think

Just to reiterate we were doing everything we thought we should, lots of talks re Internet safety, some appropriate real life examples etc, no fb account, no messing, no chat on online games... Spot checks all the time... But dd had second accounts we knew nothing about. Might not be the case here but her mum could have been v vigilant and it still happens :(

Its a nightmare - I deal with this at work, and the ways D's get round it is incredible.

Ways I've seen help are:

No internet enabled devices at all in bedrooms, all usage to be restricted to family areas of the house - enforced from a very young age before they have "accounts", but applied to things like tablets for watching movies, listening to music, gaming etc too. Even if they don't use the internet on devices when they are 6/7/8 years old, still limit where the devices can be used - it's a lot harder to ban it from the bedroom when they are, older than never let it be used in there in the first place.

Put a data block on mobile devices when DC's first become independent. Look over their shoulder while they're using it, immediate confiscation if they refuse to share what they are doing or they shut it down when you look.

Change wifi password regularly and never, ever share the wifi password with them - I still put ours into my DD's devices and she's 16 now!

Ensure that the school has a phone and social media ban.

Maybe exw is doing everything within her power.

But as we've managed to find things out without much searching, just by monitoring her accounts it's not likely.

She has been allowed a YouTube Channel that she posts videos of herself to since she was 10 and Facebook since she was 11.

She has since created new accounts that her mum probably doesn't know about but again we're not computer geniuses and we found them.

I agree with you that her mum seems to be part of the problem. I think social services have to get involved now that the police are, and you and dh would be wise to let them know of your concerns. As others said it's possibly likely that her mum wants to help, but she's so far done a crap job and getting SS involvement will give her the support she needs.

Thanks NewNNfor2017 that's some great advice. At the moment our internet password is hidden in my slipper as she managed to find where dh had hidden it yesterday and also gave it to her younger sister.

We need to get a lot more savvy I know - but her access when she is here is monitored. All devices the children use are turned over to us in the evenings and are checked. We knew something was up when she initially refused to hand over her phone and dh had to wrestle it away from her.

She only got this new phone for Xmas and now it will be turned over to the police as evidence.

sheerwill you won't change that -I've been there; unless both parents are willing to take responsibility for the DC's internet safety, it's fighting a losing battle - and you won't be supported by Soc Services to undermine Mum, for something that they (in their words) deal with dozens of times a day. There are literally thousands of parents just like her.

You would be better off investing time and the limited money you have in your DH becoming a more influential figure in your DSD's life - more frequent contact if possible (which means more travelling), coupled with greater involvement by him in understanding and influencing your DSDs professional support.

Youtube and fb at that aegis ridiculous I agree

Sorry, x-post - I mean you won't change the ability for her to set up accounts and things at her mums unless her mum changes, and that needs to be driven by her mum as the authorities won't step in.

All you can do is enforce your rules in your home - but if she's wiling to snoop to find wifi passwords, then I suggest a lockable filing cabinet. As she gets older, it'll be your financial details she'll be "finding", not the wifi password.

Are you saying that she has Child in Need status and her father is unaware?

Failing to protect her online activity is neglectful and this needs addressing by social care, especially given her SN.

*Today 18:47 SheerWill

Im sorry if we seem overly negative about exw but we have had such a battle and I can see courts and solicitors now being needed. Don't know how we can afford to do that after having to deal with my exh.

Blended family joys. :-)*

Christ every single post you've made sounds like you're almost loving this it's disturbing.

Your bloke AND his ex have failed this girl, you can't put all the blame at her door... as much as you would like to.

You're entitled to your opinion gamerchick but it's your issue. Personally I feel it's a bit unfair.

I'm not enjoying this at all. I just tried to lay down things as I see them at present so that I can gather a range of views and opinions good or bad to challenge my thoughts and clarify them so I am happy with any decision we make.

It's a very serious issue and MN is not the only avenue I have gone down. I have also been in contact with my friend from work who is the SENDCO/Child Protection to ask her advice.

If I seem a little over emotional or irrational it's probably because my head is currently all over the place.

I have not enjoyed having to phone the police at 1am to report the incident. I do not enjoy seeing my wonderful dh distraught at the knowledge of what his little girl is potentially getting up to. What I want is for all our children to be safe. I know we can't wrap them up forever, but this has been very traumatic.

I myself was abused by a trusted adult as a young child and while I have the power to prevent something similar happening to someone else. Especially someone I love.

I myself was abused by a trusted adult as a young child and while I have the power to prevent something similar happening to someone else. Especially someone I love.

Ah, now this is where being a stepparent really sucks. You don't have that power.
Yes, you love her dearly and want to protect her - but you can only support your DH to do that - you cannot do it yourself.

Any attempts to take responsibility yourself, however well meaning, will only make things worse.

I often look at stepparenting in these situations a bit like fostering - you can provide a safe, supportive and loving environment when the DC's are in your care/home, but when it comes to decisions about their lives outside of that - you have no decision making responsibilities.

For your own emotional wellbeing over the next few months and years, I think you would benefit from stepping back emotionally. Given your own life experience, you may need some professional support with that - can you access Counselling support through work? Better to get it in place to create resilience in advance, than find out that you need it in a crisis.

Why was it necessary to phone the police at 1am?? You found some sexual comments on your dsds phone and you phoned the police as if it was an emergency at 1am. You are very much over dramatising this. I would advise a lot of caution. I think you may also find yourself wishing you had stepped back a few months down the line. Parenting a child with autism is hard going. Being firm and teacher like doesn't necessarily help. I know as I am one and have children with and. You will in all likelihood struggle just as much as her mum even if you like to think you would do better. Confiscating the phone, speaking to her mum and then discussing with school would have been the right thing for your dh to do. You have made the situation ten times worse than it needed to be in your rush to prove her mums parenting is crap.

Cansu, you're out of order IMO. It is an emergency. The girl is 12 and at potential risk of grooming or at a stretch of being charged with a crime. Don't minimise.

tbh I wondered the same, once the devices were removed the immediate risk was averted and reporting could have taken place first thing. I realise your dh is away a lot but you cannot assume his parental responsibility in the meantime. Why is he not being kept in the loop by the agencies involved with his dc? Is dsd2 also under ss involvement?

What can the police do at one o clock in the morning? Of course it isn't necessary to phone at 1am. Sexually explicit messages between two vulnerable teens is obviously an issue but it does not require a flashing lights response at 1 am. This is an over dramatic response fuelled by poor family relationships. Why wasn't the father on the phone to his ex wife to describe the explicit messages? Wouldn't this be the most natural thing to do? Yes it needs to be dealt with but in a calm sensitive manner.

I'm not sure admonishing Cansu is helpful.
I'm not sure this is being handled with the needs of the child prioritised over every other urge and emotion.

Maybe you have a point re the time but I still think you're way too keen to act like this isn't a big deal. It's a huge deal! (At least, that's how I'm reading your posts. I hope I'm wrong.) At any rate, SEND/ASD people don't get extra latitude when it comes to the law and this is the sort of thing which in my job would have me talking very seriously to SS/police about how safe DD is to go home to mum.