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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does anyone live in a house owned by their partner?

106 replies

RobinSnood · 31/12/2016 06:38

Just wondering how you feel about it?

My partner bought our house outright for cash. I believe he is committed to me, and he involves me in all decisions etc (also in the decision of which house to buy), but somehow I don't feel committed to him/our home. I want him to let me buy a small proportion of it (would be about 7%, maximum) but he thinks I'm being silly. Am I?

OP posts:
Manumission · 31/12/2016 06:45

Is marriage not in the cards?

If it is, it will change the legal position anyway so faffing about with the legals on 7% share purchase might not be worth it.

isthistoonosy · 31/12/2016 06:48

I do. We aren't married and don't plan to marry in the future. Obviously paying towards home improvements feels a bit weird and prob we would do more if we owned it jointly, but otherwise I don't really think about it.

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2016 06:49

What do you mean when you say you don't feel committed to him? I'm not sure owning a stake in the house will change that.

Are you paying rent?

Original poster
RobinSnood · 31/12/2016 06:49

Manumission marriage may or may not be on the cards but even if it were I'm not sure it would change things as the house was bought with money he earned before we met.

OP posts:
Original poster
RobinSnood · 31/12/2016 06:52

PurpleDaisies we don't call it rent but basically I am, yes. I pay £500/month. He pays all bills though and all upkeep and major purchases to the home. I don't feel hard done by financially or anything.. it more an emotional thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
RobinSnood · 31/12/2016 06:53

Thank you for sharing your experience isthistoonosy

OP posts:
Manumission · 31/12/2016 06:57

Well you probably don't hope of cathxjing up in terms of putting in equal cash (I did eventually manage to do that by scrimping).

If you want to feel things are completely equal, how about he puts 50% down and you both buying (a new place?) with a mortgage and a deed drawn up specifying the deposit is his and the mortgage is your responsibility?

OTOH, If security of tenure or growing some equity, is your main concern, any % stake gives you a stake, as it were.

Manumission · 31/12/2016 06:59

Excuse gobbledygook Smile

At least I'm assuming from what you say that you can't "catch up" (match his equity). You could if you have another property to sell somewhere perhaps?

OccasionalNachos · 31/12/2016 07:01

I do. We're not married. I contribute 50% of the mortgage payments.

It's definitely not ideal & it's something I would advise other people against, both in real life & on threads here. I own another property that's rented out, which is my security, I suppose. And I also have enough in personal savings if I needed to raise a rental deposit and move out temporarily.

DP knows I feel a bit uncomfortable about it. Not sure he fully gets why from a feminist point of view. We are both lazy with regard to seeing a solicitor about an agreement, or putting my name on the mortgage, or getting married.

Original poster
RobinSnood · 31/12/2016 07:04

Ha, Manumission your first suggestion is a great idea in theory but even I can see that the moving costs plus the costs of paying interest on a mortgage we don't need make it completely unrealistic. Thank you for the thought though.

Yes, it more just "a stake" that I want.

Tbh I was looking for other people who are (or have been) in a similar position.

OP posts:
shouldwestayorshouldwego · 31/12/2016 07:05

Why not discuss having your own house which you could rent out/ have as second home. That way you can get a foot on the ladder and have some of your own security but you are adding to the capital of the marriage if you go in that direction. Don't have children without that security though. At least if you are married and you split then there is some legal negotiation route esp if you are a SAHP at any point.

soundsystem · 31/12/2016 07:07

I did. We now own somewhere together.

DH bought somewhere before we were married and I paid half the mortgage each month which was around a third of what I'd been paying for renting a room privately. The thinking was we'd try out living together and if it worked we'd then buy somewhere together and if it didn't then I'd buy somewhere of my own (either way, I'd have money saved for a deposit).

You say you pay £500 a month. Is that similar to what you'd pay for renting elsewhere or does it give you room to save for a deposit yourself?

Original poster
RobinSnood · 31/12/2016 07:08

Sorry to be slightly prickly, Manumission.

Yes, no way I can catch up. Will NC after this so can give figures: house is £700k. I earn c£35k with maybe £35k savings plus input from my parents.. Not a hope in hell!

OP posts:
Manumission · 31/12/2016 07:09

Well (going back 15 years so houses were cheaper) I did pay DH (then DP) cash for 1% at a time between ourselves until we'd even things up.

BUT it took scrimping even then when property was cheaper, we only had a memorandum type thing documenting the arrangement between ourselves until it was over and we got the legal paperwork formally changed (silly maybe but practical for the small increments) AND he didn't own the whole thing in the first place. So I'm not sure how helpful that particular approach is to your situation.

Manumission · 31/12/2016 07:12

He needs to stop telling you you're being "silly" for a start. It's legally/psychologically important that you have ownership.

Would he let you take out a smallish mortgage and buy a minority share? You could maybe manage 20-25% comfortably.

mrssmith79 · 31/12/2016 07:12

Yes, my dh. I own our home in my name only. It's never been an issue and we've been married over a decade.

Original poster
RobinSnood · 31/12/2016 07:14

That is actually not a completely crazy idea. No way I could afford 1% a month but I might be able to scrape together £1k per month..

OP posts:
Original poster
RobinSnood · 31/12/2016 07:16

Mortgage on a minority share also not a bad idea although I can't see him going for it tbh.

OP posts:
CursesAndBalderdash · 31/12/2016 07:20

Mrs Smith- surely your marriage means the house legally belongs to both of you now? Unless I'm wrong! My dh owned our house (with a mortgage) and now we are married I thought that legally we both own the house!

Manumission · 31/12/2016 07:20

I think your first task is to make him take your discomfort seriously.

Original poster
RobinSnood · 31/12/2016 07:24

soundsystem I could save for a deposit and that is one option but dp thinks I'm crazy to think of buying somewhere else and renting it out due to tax costs etc (tbf he is a lot more knowledgeable about finance etc than I am). Also I'm just not very organised about these things...

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 31/12/2016 07:42

Could you buy s holiday home for you both to use? Would that be an option

SallyGinnamon · 31/12/2016 07:46

I'd check was your legal position would be if marriage didn't happen. A college friend (since lost touch) was with a wealthy guy for years and they had a son together. However she'd moved in to his house and he paid all the bills, all in his name. She was in a well paid job too and paid for food, nursery fees, some redecorating and all the luxuries.

When they did split she got nothing other than child maintenance as her name wasn't on anything. 10 years later and she had to start again. He'd been very clever about the split of who paid for what!

mrssmith79 · 31/12/2016 07:54

Curses, I have no idea Blush. We've vowed to (finally) sort ourselves some wills out this year so I guess I'll find out.

Greypaw · 31/12/2016 08:29

Curses I've just recently bought a house with someone in unequal shares, and we got married a few weeks ago. From looking into the legal side it seems (could be totally wrong) that if we divorced before about six or seven years of marriage we'd each take out what we put in as it would be judged a short marriage and we don't have children together. How it would work after that time I'm not sure.

On the other hand, if one of us dies, being married would mean the deceased person's share would automatically pass to the surviving one. Beforehand we were married that would only have happened if it had been stated in a will and the survivor would have been hit with quite a bill for inheritance tax. I think marriage does increase security in that respect, at least.