This is going to be long. I apologise in advance.
As a child I was brought up by my mum for the first three years of my life. My dad was absent and I've never met him. She met my stepdad who was violent towards me and my mum. I was very frightened of him. I remember getting my lip bust when getting in between them in a fight aged 7. He once hit me on my leg so hard that his handprint came up in bubbles on my leg. Once with a hairbrush so the bristles pierced my skin. I didn't tell my mum as it would start a big row and I'd be blamed.
They had children together and I actually get on with my stepdad now. He's not like this anymore. So I feel bad for writing this down but I need to get this out.
I developed bulimia in my late teens. Did well at school, got into Oxford. Was lonely and unhappy. Had a relationship for two years where I behaved quite erractically. I cheated on him and was desperate for attention from anyone. I thought that I was only worth something when a man wanted me. The relationship was destructive but I felt dependent on him. The bulimia got worse and I was being sick six times a day at one point.
Then I got together a man I met in the pub. He wasn't even really someone I was particularly attracted to. We eventually married and had three dcs. He gambled and drank excessively throughout our marriage and I eventually left him.
Then I started online dating. I had two short term things and was dumped twice. Distraught both times, yet desperate to find another relationship to show that I was worth something.
Got together with latest bf of two years. It started out really well. He was loving and affectionate. After 5 months said he loved me. Then slowly fell out of love. We started playing sex games to get the spark back. He started seeing other women and telling me what he got up to with them. We did a sub/dom thing where he told me I was worthless etc. I ended up actually feeling used. Ended it. He came over yesterday and we had sex. Then I found out he was taking one of these women to a wedding tonight. He was telling me what he got up to with her and telling me he'd get naked pics to show me.
I've blocked him and I need to stay well away. It's all wrong and twisted. My whole view on relationships is warped. I suffer from depression and I felt so low I just wanted everything to stop today. There's a voice inside my head saying I'm not good enough.
My mum tells me just to use people. That's not me at all. Shes had a lot of cosmetic work done and everyone says how stunning she is. She has admirers who buy her things etc. She is encouraging me to have a nose job saying it'll make me feel better. Although my self esteem is on the floor, I know objectively that I'm not unattractive.
I sound like a nightmare. I feel out of control. I have a history of warped relationships. So what do I do? Obviously be single right now!!! I've had counselling and cbt. Didn't find it hugely effective. Maybe a different counsellor? I'm on anti depressants. I sometimes feel angry that this childhood might mean that I am destined for abusive relationships or just to be alone. I want to change that for myself and my dc. Please help and please don't judge me too harshly. I already judge myself.