How can I heal childhood trauma?

[Iusedtobedontcall]

This is going to be long. I apologise in advance.
As a child I was brought up by my mum for the first three years of my life. My dad was absent and I've never met him. She met my stepdad who was violent towards me and my mum. I was very frightened of him. I remember getting my lip bust when getting in between them in a fight aged 7. He once hit me on my leg so hard that his handprint came up in bubbles on my leg. Once with a hairbrush so the bristles pierced my skin. I didn't tell my mum as it would start a big row and I'd be blamed.
They had children together and I actually get on with my stepdad now. He's not like this anymore. So I feel bad for writing this down but I need to get this out.
I developed bulimia in my late teens. Did well at school, got into Oxford. Was lonely and unhappy. Had a relationship for two years where I behaved quite erractically. I cheated on him and was desperate for attention from anyone. I thought that I was only worth something when a man wanted me. The relationship was destructive but I felt dependent on him. The bulimia got worse and I was being sick six times a day at one point.
Then I got together a man I met in the pub. He wasn't even really someone I was particularly attracted to. We eventually married and had three dcs. He gambled and drank excessively throughout our marriage and I eventually left him.
Then I started online dating. I had two short term things and was dumped twice. Distraught both times, yet desperate to find another relationship to show that I was worth something.
Got together with latest bf of two years. It started out really well. He was loving and affectionate. After 5 months said he loved me. Then slowly fell out of love. We started playing sex games to get the spark back. He started seeing other women and telling me what he got up to with them. We did a sub/dom thing where he told me I was worthless etc. I ended up actually feeling used. Ended it. He came over yesterday and we had sex. Then I found out he was taking one of these women to a wedding tonight. He was telling me what he got up to with her and telling me he'd get naked pics to show me.
I've blocked him and I need to stay well away. It's all wrong and twisted. My whole view on relationships is warped. I suffer from depression and I felt so low I just wanted everything to stop today. There's a voice inside my head saying I'm not good enough.
My mum tells me just to use people. That's not me at all. Shes had a lot of cosmetic work done and everyone says how stunning she is. She has admirers who buy her things etc. She is encouraging me to have a nose job saying it'll make me feel better. Although my self esteem is on the floor, I know objectively that I'm not unattractive.
I sound like a nightmare. I feel out of control. I have a history of warped relationships. So what do I do? Obviously be single right now!!! I've had counselling and cbt. Didn't find it hugely effective. Maybe a different counsellor? I'm on anti depressants. I sometimes feel angry that this childhood might mean that I am destined for abusive relationships or just to be alone. I want to change that for myself and my dc. Please help and please don't judge me too harshly. I already judge myself.

I highly recommend Pete Walker's books.

How old are your children now? Do you have a good relationship with your children? Are they OK?

They are 10, 9 and 7. I think so but I do worry, as I don't want to pass this on to them.

Hey there.
I have never seen behaviour outlined that resonated so closely to me. I have been 'loosely' diagnosed by psychiatrists as having borderline.

I am in a similar but different place right now.

I can't quite string a coherent or meaningful sentence together right now as there are fireworks going off and they keep making me leap off the chair.

I will try to post tomorrow maybe, but don't hold me to that!

And I've heard great things about dbt.

Oh and the only different things are that I didn't go to Oxford and I haven't had unusual sex.
Thinking of you.

And I only have one dc.

Just so that I get all my differences laid out.

I can identify with a lot the things you have gone thru, and the feelings. I think to sing the right therapist is hugely important, I saw one who made me feel worse (told me I couldn't have morning sickness when I was pregnant, it was too early...It was all attention seeking behaviour...). I eventually found someone who really did help tho, so keep trying (but be ready to tell them everything about how u feel).
Also, for me things sometimes improved long after I finished counselling. I think ur mind keeps sorting thru things, so even if u feel things haven't changed, they can suddenly click into place.
And I agree with what u seem to already understand, that u really need to keep out of relationships until u have yourself sorted out! There's no rush, learn to be happy as yourself, list the things that are good about you, and go over them often. It sounds a bit clichéd, but it does help :-).
Lots of luck OP :-)

'find the right...', not 'sing the right'!

I do very strongly suspect I have borderline personality disorder. I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakthrough really.

The other thing I found helpful was a course in neuroscience linguistic programming (NLP). It has had some bad press because it has potential to be used to try to manipulate people, but that isn't what it was developed for ( I guess it's a bit like the way hypnosis can be useful therapeutically, or used as a trick in a stage show..), and there is useful stuff on how to take something which has a strong emotional effect on you and reduce how much it bothers you. There is plenty to read on it (some of it a bit whacky, but plenty of practical info on working thru problems to understand how to move forward, and coping with anxiety and fear).
I think you still need to understand why you have some of the motivations you get, but it's useful to have some techniques for managing the feelings and physiology that turn up.

I feel a bit more positive about the year ahead. I'm trying to distinguish between feelings and thoughts. I have realised that I do often feel disconnected from myself and that actually I have no real sense of who I am.

I love Larkin's 'This be the verse.' I find it oddly comforting!
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

If anyone is there who read this thread, I feel like texting an apology to ex bf. I mustn't must I?

I think it's better to keep away from him completely tbh. I'm not normally a 'go NC' advocate, but I think he is very confusing for you? I think you should use your logical mind to decide what's really best (you are very bright, clearly), and ponder why you want to do that, instead of doing it!

Yes that is how I feel really. I think he's bad for me and that actually if I text him then he'll see that as validation that what he did was ok. And I wasn't blameless, but I'm not taking full responsibility and his actions were not ok. Any communication seems to trigger anxiety for me as well.

I think you just want to 'fix' things and make them ok, but you can't really fix that - so I reckon it's better to keep well away. Maybe one day, when you r sorted, you may want to send him one short communication to close things off, but not yet.
It sounds as if you may crave excitement of all types (even unpleasant things like anxiety)? Apart from sorting out who you are, it may help to take up an active, exciting hobby - squash, rock climbing, that kind of thing maybe, to satisfy the desire for excitement in your life in a way that is in your control more.
But I think talking to a professional who you can get on with should be priority (and they could disagree, I'm not an expert!).

I think you are right on all counts. I do want to 'fix' it and I tend to feel like everything is my fault and not his. I am drawn to drama, so I will definitely look for some excitement in my life that is healthy. Maybe more a writer's group or something. I want to ask 'do you think it's all my fault??' But I know it isn't. I need to realise that I ended things for me and it doesn't matter what he thinks.

I don't know why the anxiety is flaring up today.

It wasn't all your fault, and I'll probably be flamed on here for saying that it may not be all his fault either, you both got into a pattern that doesn't make you happy. It may well not be very good for him either, but you're right, it's not your problem whether he's happy (if it helps, it may be the best thing for him too, for you to avoid contact, but that's incidental, stick with what is best for you!).
Things aren't all black and white as people often want to believe, imo, but look after your (long term) self, he can sort himself out :-).
Writing could be good (not sure if it's 'exciting', but whatever floats your boat ;-) ). A class will definitely push you into bothering to write something rather than waiting for inspiration to strike :-).

I agree. He wasn't 100 % to blame, we pushed each other in a bad direction. I am finding tonight tricky for some reason.

Maybe boredom is causing you to look for entertainment? You could make a list of things to do this year (hobbies, activities, trips to see places/things), then prioritise them, then work out if you want a friend to do some of them, and text the friend to see if they fancy it? Look forward to doing good stuff, enjoy that anticipation rather than looking back..Then research details for more complicated trips. Even if you have a limited budget, see that as part of the challenge to do things as cheaply as possible.

Hello OP - you've been through an awful lot, sorry to read your story

I think you would find proper psychotherapy more beneficial than counselling, as the issues seem to stem from quite a traumatic childhood

This would be the organisation I suggest you try:

www.britishpsychotherapyfoundation.org.uk/

I had proper psychotherapy through them and it helped me a lot

If you are in London it may also be possible to access Lower-cost therapy if you are on a lower income: try Tavistock Centre/Westminster pastoral Foundation/Lincoln Centre perhaps

Wish you the best

I think so. I think I will plan a few nice things but I also think I need to feel comfortable being a bit bored. It's like I've a hole inside my chest that I need to fill. I will be better once I'm at work. I struggle with holidays. I try to imagine shovelling sand into my chest to fill the hole; I know that sounds bizarre but it seems to help.

Thank you passthesatsumas. Not in London but will have a look for a psychotherapist. I do need proper help I think. I am up and down at the moment but am trying to occupy my mind with health things.

Feeling jittery today. When I get this feeling I want to DO something to make it better and I can't. Trying to sit with the feeling. I wish I could make everything ok.