DP called me a f****** b****

[lendleaseland]

Was out drinking tonight with DP and mates having a good time.

When we got home DP flipped for no obvious reason and called me a fucking bitch, that I disgust him, and not to touch him when I tried to calm him down.

When I asked what's wrong he just said I "hen peck" him all the time and that I'm a fucking bitch.... don't think I've done anything wrong to justify this name calling.

He passed out, woke up an hour later and apologised.

DP gets v stressed at work and often uses me as a verbal punching bag but never like this.

Is this normal behaviour?! Wwyd?

No not normal and displays a total lack of respect. My ex used to regularly call me a 'fucking cunt', once when I asked him to feed the baby.

Speak to him when he's sober and not hungover.

He shouldn't be treating you like a verbal punchbag ever. It's not on.

That's abuse. It's not okay.

Next time video it on your phone and play it back to him. He's a disrespectful asshole

wow. how long have you been together? that would be enough for me to pack my stuff and leave tbh.

No it's not normal, it's awful and it's no excuse that he was drunk. I really don't understand name calling in relationships, it's something I'm not used to.

We've been together 3 years, living together 2 years. No DC (two miscarriages though so we have been TTC in the past)

So you're prepared to accept being a verbal punchbag when he's drunk or stressed out from work ?

Under what conditions do you swear and shout at him ? Does he allow himself to be your verbal punchbag ?

You need to get out before you have his child OP

I never swear or shout at him I'm not a big drinker either so it stings even more to hear it in a sober ear

He's abusive. Does he have a drinking problem?

He passed out, woke up an hour later and apologised.

I think 2017 would be a good year for you to find a new relationship. These sort of patterns of abuse (and it is abuse) are nigh on impossible to stop once established.

Agree with barbarian. Please leave before you are trapped in a relationship with a child and an abusive partner.

Why are you trying to have a chid with this man? YOU CAN DO BETTER

No it's not normal,but I expect you know that already. However if he's drunk you'll have no opportunity to discuss his comments. You say thus is not out of character and he's got a demanding job.that may well be case, but doesn't give entitlement to be verbally abusive to you.

What do you want to do?how do you want this to be addressed
What's your gut feeling?
Options
Ignore it,don't discuss
Discuss,attribute it to him being drunk.no further action
Discuss, state unacceptable,set boundaries,ask he refrain and no longer treat you like this
Discuss, state unacceptable, cannot resolve,you split up

I guessed that you didn't swear or shout at him.

It looks like he has a good deal in your relationship. A partner who can drink sensibly, and who doesn't become an abusive aggressor when they're stressed or drunk.

What do you get out of the relationship ?

No, it's not normal behaviour. Once he's sober, tell him he has to find an alternative way to deal with his stresses, e.g. an anger management course, because you are not prepared to accept this ever again. Tell him if it ever happens again, you are leaving, and start making preparations so that you can leave immediately if necessary. And tell him you're not prepared to bring a child into the relationship unless and until he demonstrates that he can control himself.

Please don't bring a baby in to this environment OP. He can't treat you with respect already what will he be like with the stress of a baby on top of work stress? It's not worth finding out. He's emotionally and verbally abusive, what do you want to happen?

To give you some perspective lend

Iv been with my partner for just over 14 years he has never passed out drunk (neither have I) and he has never verbally abused me or even called me a name (again neither have I)

We have had fallings out (small ones) and have sworn about the others behaviour in frustration but never even in anger would dream of insulting the other!

My ex on the other hand talked to me like that regularly because he was an abusive horrible man (boy) my saving grace was that we didn't have children together so I wasn't forcibly attached to home forever

Even if you had behaved in a way that had angered him he never has the right to talk to you that way.

My opinion is if I was in your situation id very very consider leaving him and I'd definitely not have children with him
I hope you're ok lend

What's the cliche - 'drunk words are sober truths'?

Is he respectful usually - is this very out of character? It troubles me that you say he "often uses me as a verbal punching bag" - that indicates this is an escalation rather than an aberration.

People with abusive tendencies will, statistically, often really begin fullscale abuse in the late stages of a partner's pregnancy. And newborns are very, very hard on even the strongest of relationships.

Can you afford some counselling? I think you could do with being able to think this relationship over in a neutral, safe place with someone who has no investment in any set outcome. And you have suffered some painful losses, which you could do perhaps with talking about with someone who has your emotional wellbeing at the centre of the conversation, too.

Huge red flag. Please get out of the relationship ASAP and make sure you do not have a child with him. If you do he will be in your life forever - you will never have the option of being free of him again.
As others have said, you can do much better. Value yourself enough and send an indirect message to everyone who knows you that you will not remain in a relationship with someone who disrespects you with verbal abuse and name calling. Let DP get away with this and it will progress to the odd push, shove, slap and then more serious stuff. You do not want yourself or a child to be trapped in that environment.

And please do not fall into the trap of making excuses for him. Thousands of people feel stressed at work yet do not treat their partners this way.
It's an excuse, not a reason.
Imagine how he would fail to cope with the high stress levels of a baby and let that thought unnerve you.

So,on a practical level
Accommodation: are you in rental or mortgage (joint or sole)
Money : seperate or joint monies
Support do you have friends, family who you can stay with, go to

What do you want to do

Thanks everyone. I think I know it is abuse just don't want to admit it.

Maybe DP has a problem with alcohol but I put it down to just being one of the lads.. It's out of character to call me names but it makes me feel like total shit, especially as I haven't done anything to deserve it.

I'll try and talk to him when he is sober to make sense of it all.

Oh to answer practical questions: we rent, joint finances... I will struggle living on my own though financially and this is why I am afraid of leaving... no family in the U.K. but I think my parents might help me with rent etc while I try to get back on my feet.

Anyone done this before and could offer any advice?