DP called me a f****** b****

[lendleaseland]

Was out drinking tonight with DP and mates having a good time.

When we got home DP flipped for no obvious reason and called me a fucking bitch, that I disgust him, and not to touch him when I tried to calm him down.

When I asked what's wrong he just said I "hen peck" him all the time and that I'm a fucking bitch.... don't think I've done anything wrong to justify this name calling.

He passed out, woke up an hour later and apologised.

DP gets v stressed at work and often uses me as a verbal punching bag but never like this.

Is this normal behaviour?! Wwyd?

His broken heart isn't the issue. Your understandable fear of being alone is
So you're choosing to overlook his behaviour,as it's less scary than leaving
Ask yourself,in all Honesty,are those good enough reason to stay?

Babies and children with this man will be an even easier target.
Being too scared to leave a man and petrified of being on your own are extremely bad bases for a relationship and a disastrous environment for children. From the beginning there is a power imbalance where he knows he can treat you appallingly and you will hang around for more, like a loyal, misguided puppy, waiting for the next kick.
Read everything about domestic abuse and you will find it always gets worse. It starts with a bit of name calling like you have experienced, and progresses on to shouting/spitting in your face, then pushes/shoves/slaps then an all out physical assault.
You need to be in a relationship with someone who is as grateful to be with you as you are with them, with someone who would be very sad if you left as you them but at the same time, knows they would manage just fine on their own after a short while . . . as you would too.
Until you are that emotionally strong, robust person, having built an independent single life for yourself first, you are very vulnerable to any which way someone like him chooses to treat you - good or bad.
Take control of your own life before someone like your DP takes control of it instead.

When you were a little girl,thinking of the man you'd meet did you think you'd end up scared to go
Is this what you wanted? It's not how it should be
Healthy relationships are fundamentally based on choice e.g. Stay/go

Please read this MN Classic thread, it's always at the top of Relationship threads for a very good reason - in the hope we all see it and internally digest it.

So you're going to stay - and presumably continue to have DC - with this waste of space because you're scared to leave??

Jees beginning to despair of some of the women on Mumsnet.

Sanity, what a disparaging and unsupportive comment to make to the OP who is already upset. It's so easy to expect her to LTB but it's perfectly understandable that she should struggle to do so at this stage if this is not characteristic of his behaviour.

keepingonrunning has it spot on. I don't know if what I'm about to say is accurate but it's how your posts have come across to me.

You're a nice easy going person. When your bf is drunk or stressed he verbally abuses you. But you're prepared to accept his explanation as to why he is abusive, and that he cannot call up others and be abusive to them. Is it not an option to actually not be abusive?

You love him, so although you yourself have admitted you're his verbal punchbag, you want to stay. Moreover, you want to stay because you are terrified of being alone, and of breaking his heart.

What would be terrifying about being alone? You wouldn't be "alone", you just wouldn't be in a relationship - in this case with a verbally abusive man. Were you alone before you met him? If so, were you terrified then? As the pp said, you need to think very carefully about why being without him makes you feel terrified.

As for breaking his heart. What about your heart? Is he truly sorry and mortified about his behaviour towards you, it doesn't really sound like it. Just denials, talk of memory loss etc. When you enter into a relationship there are always two possible outcomes, you may well have your heart broken. If you behave like he does it's likely to cause a break up. Would that be your fault?

Ultimately you have to know your own worth. Next time you're out drinking, or work gets tough, what will you do? Avoid him, try and go to bed early? As others have said, there are other many more stressful things in life to cope with. Are you always going to be the punchbag?

You said it yourself 'You're an easy target'. He chooses to insult you , not his clients, not his mates , not his family but you .

He's said he's sorry and has come out with all the normal shit that abusers say. He will continue to abuse you (and it may well escalate) if you allow him to.

You said it yourself 'You're an easy target'. He chooses to insult you , not his clients, not his mates , not his family but you

Absolutely this!

Ask yourself how he manages to find the self control not to shout at and abuse other people yet will quite happily do it to you?

He's choosing to do it.
He doesn't care that he does it to you and he certainly doesn't care about your feelings.

OP, please don't allow this man to take out all his shit on you while you walk on eggshells around him. Think about it. It's abuse.

So how did you conclude matters after your discussion about this incident, OP? It's not good enough for him to say he's sorry and he didn't mean it, because it will just happen again next time he gets pissed and/or feels stressed. You need to lay it on the line that you are just not prepared to be the easy target any more and that you will be leaving if it ever happens again. And you have to mean it. You won't be on your own, and it won't be you breaking his heart, it will be him. This is now within his control, and he has to show that he really means it when he acknowledges that you don't deserve ut,

I bought it up with him again after reading through this thread again. DP got upset thinking i feel trapped in this relationship and said my lack of earnings shouldn't hold me back from wanting to leave if he's a dickhead/verbally abusive again. So he transferred a significant amount of money (like enough for a 9-12 months rent) in to one of my bank accounts as a 'get out clause'. I was quite surprised by it actually and guess it shows he is sorry. Putting his money where his mouth is kind of thing? And a commitment to parting with his cash is pretty solid, no?

He's calling your bluff, it's as though he's mocking you. He's daring you to leave because he doesn't think you have the strength to do it.

Take the money and leave!

Take the cash,get a flat now
You said the impediment to leaving was financial,well now it isn't

Regards your worry about loneliness,join a female only class e.g. Yoga,gym, join a book group,expand on existing friendships. Being in a couple is steady,but you don't need to be lonely if you work on your social network

He isn't being altruistic,this doesn't undo him verbally abusing you
Don't go all fuzzy about this
Take the money and go

If he's.....verbally abusive again

You see OP that's the problem right there. If he really cared about you he would have said it won't happen again. If it meant he had to stop drinking, or think about getting a less stressful job, that's what he would do IF he cared enough. I'm sorry but from the outside he just doesn't seem to.

I actually think giving you an escape fund is quite creepy. What does it really say? Basically, he's saying I'm not going to change, so if you decide you can't deal with it anymore you can leave. His little fund will lessen his guilt. I'm afraid I too would take the money now and leave.

A large gift of money can make you feel bought and not respected.
It can also make you feel obliged to stay.
It isn't always a no-strings act of pure generosity.

I think you should ask him to stop drinking if this is what happens when he drinks.

Oh op.... even the cash deposited is controlling behavior, he knew that would soften you...big red flags l am afraid.

Please please stop TTC, if you get pregnant and his behavior escalates you are trapped with him.......this behavior is NOT ACCEPTABLE or normal in loving relationships.

If you must try again, stop any chance of pregnancy and wait a year......sadly he probably will be abusive again. But at least you will be able to walk away and find a good man to have DCs with.