DP called me a f****** b****

[lendleaseland]

Was out drinking tonight with DP and mates having a good time.

When we got home DP flipped for no obvious reason and called me a fucking bitch, that I disgust him, and not to touch him when I tried to calm him down.

When I asked what's wrong he just said I "hen peck" him all the time and that I'm a fucking bitch.... don't think I've done anything wrong to justify this name calling.

He passed out, woke up an hour later and apologised.

DP gets v stressed at work and often uses me as a verbal punching bag but never like this.

Is this normal behaviour?! Wwyd?

Start by separating joint finances get a sole account for your salary, start to put some money away a just in case fund.do it online,no paper statement and chose a password he won't know. Have you worked out finances e.g. A flat share, can you get mates rates to live with a pal
If your primary reason to remain is fear of going,then I'm afraid something is amiss.

It's not insurmountable to go, will take planning if you do,can be done
If you chose to go think how to start untangling the finances,and accommodation

If you chose to stay how will this be addressed?

Do talk to him if safe to do so. However I'd recommend not letting on if you thinking of going

As he was drunk his inhibitions were heavily suppressed. It's said often on here that in such a situation, when someone shows you or tells you what they really think, you should believe them.

Please don't have a baby with him. If you want children and a happy family this isn't the man to do it with. Please listen to the voices of experience (ex with a drink problem and verbally abusive here)

Anger management = bullshit. I'm sure he manages his anger just fine around his boss, his mates, police, i.e. anybody he respects.

So it really must he all your fault for - what was your heinous crime? - "hen-pecking". More bullshit, and pretty clichéd misogynist bullshit at that.

So that's what you are to him. A " fucking bitch" who henpecks him and deserves to be treated like that.

What are you to YOU? Is this what you want to be in life?

Many, many of us on these boards have split from an abusive man, and thrived. The refrain you'll hear is "I only wish I'd done it sooner".

It will be difficult at first. But one day you will look back and be so proud of yourself.

To make it less scary, why don't you write down here the practical steps you'll need to take one by one?

Eg.

• research cheaper living arrangements (share with a friend, smaller place, different location)
• budget to match
• open new solo account for your money and have your wages paid into it
• go to GP and sort out contraception

...etc. Your plan will be personal to you these are just examples but it can demystify it to write it out somewhere

I'm so sorry but this is abuse. Please, please do not have children with this man and if you are able to please get out. Speaking from experience it will only get worse and the PP are right, all of us wished we had got out sooner.

So sorry, but this would be a complete deal breaker for me. Nobody should be allowed to call you names, or use you as a verbal punch bag. Yes it might be difficult to afford living on your own, but you can find someone who would treat you with the respect you deserve.

I also agree that going on an anger management course is way off the mark here. As a pp said, I wonder when he last called his boss or mate a fing bh. Some courses/therapy are appropriate in certain situations. I've yet to come across one for arseholes with a nasty temper and attitude towards women.

OP, I have SO been there and done, and thanks partly to Mumsnet I finally woke up, about a year ago, to the fact that I was in an abusive relationship. It's a very very hard thing to admit to yourself. The trouble is, for much of the time you think that it really is you who is at fault, and you believe some of the stuff he comes out with. I used to feel puzzled all the time, thinking I must have really changed as a person since I met DP, because he was always accusing me of things I'd never ever been accused of before. But I took it all in, thinking I must be a pretty bad person. When someone first mentioned the term "emotional abuse" to me I defended DP. I didn't believe this was what was happening. But it was - and still is. I asked DP to leave over a year ago. He did, and I still get the shouting and swearing sometimes when we meet (and then at other times he's as nice as pie, and begs to be allowed back home, and promises we can all live happily, etc). I just have to put up an emotional shield now, and try very hard to ignore all of it. It's very hard and you may find that people outside your relationship (especially his friends) won't understand and may even think it's all your fault. It may be that you decide to put up with it for a while, maybe even years like I did. But I would get out now if you possibly can..! And get yourself some counselling.

Unless you have the financial means were does the counselling and or anger management come from?
GP can refer on to psychological therapies but waiting lists are long,resources are limited. It won't just happen
What does op need counselling for?he is the perpetrator?unless it's affecting her mental health

Gimmee I mentioned the affordability at the very start.

I mention it because I know two women who got out of abusive relationships when they had good therapy. It gave them permission to name what the perp was doing, and it empowered them to feel that they weren't the problem. Friends alone don't have the skills or training to ask the right questions: we can support, but we can't alter what is happening in the woman's head. Abuse wrecks a sense of self, which is part of what makes it so appalling. And verbal abuse can be especially insidious, as it's easy to minimise and forget incidents. Seeing a professional trained to recognise patterns of behaviour and to challenge them can help unpick what is happening, and help the person subjected to abuse to recognise it when it happens, rather than looking to their own interactions.

There are charities that provide counselling. I agree the NHS isn't worth trying right now - my child has clinically diagnosed anxiety, and the paed made the referral, but CAHMS refused it as he is no threat to anyone else and well supported by the family. The paed told me we would almost certainly get that response, but wanted to try it. We applied for DLA (he is autistic, and anxiety is common with autistic kids) and got it and that's paying for his therapy now. Believe me, I know the problem. But assuming the OP can't afford it isn't fair either, when we don't know.

I don't care if he was drunk or not - that is unforgivable.

My dh has never once called me a name in over 20 years together.

Counselling and/or anger management are often casually recommended on mumsnet as if easily accessible, affordable. It's not the case.Provision will vary locally in statutory sector and voluntary sector But as a general, access to free counselling is limited.
I'm in no way opppsed to counselling I'm simply pointing out it's not readily available unless one has the means

There was a lot he could have said to you when drunk - including gushy lovey things but these were his choices so I'm in the camp of 'drunken words are sober truths'and this is what he feels

The fact he can't bring it up in a normal discussion and articulate it reasonably is worrying and unlikely to change anytime soon - Please don't continue to conceive - it will likely add further to his resentment

Follow the practical advice shared wrt finances etc and look at your relationship objectively to see if this is really the future you want/deserve

It's a wake up call and no reflection on you - people can't control people but they can control the way they react and the words/behaviours they choose to use in their responses - he chose not to control himself this time...and each time after it will probably escalate

I think I agree with all the pp who say this is abuse and you should get out. But just to offer a slightly different perspective...
DP and me have flaming screaming rows over the past year or two - we have both called each other names like that and worse in the heat of a big bust up - often sober which IMO makes it even worse. I don't think the name calling in itself is the worst issue - it is the imbalance in your relationship- his lashing out when you don't etc.
I hope you find the strength to assert yourself and to demand he treats you with respect.

Gimmeee - yeah, believe me, I really do get the costs implications. If you've ever seen a DLA form you'll know they are both intrusive and heartbreaking to complete, but specialist art therapy for autistic children is not cheap, with a good and well qualified practitioner. But therapy can help people who are being abused, if it can be accessed. That's also worth noting. Abuse can happen across all backgrounds, as we know, and some people will be able to access it, whether via a charity or via payment. There are specialist charities offering the services, and many women (and some men) do benefit. Worth a try.

I don't think anger management works with abusers. It's too easily thrown as a fig leaf. I think it helps people who have anger problems which manifest as stress for them personally, but the conflation of that to manipulative abuse is problematic. It can provide deceptive hope, which keeps people trapped.

I'm not disputing the efficacy of appropriate counselling, as we are both saying it can be useful. I'm noting it isn't readily accessible and privately is costly.

Ah, okay. It's just that your first post asked why she needed counselling when she wasn't the perpetrator, so I explained.

There are a lot of charities offering free help. When CAHMS refused my son they enclosed a list. The problem is, his needs are fairly specific, and the services aren't, so it wasn't useful, but it could well have been for another child. If you google an area with "counselling domestic abuse" quite a few will come up, and some places have reasonable provision. It's so area specific, what is available, sadly. But some are quite well served - always worth a try, at least.

Obviously it's deplorable that anyone in this situation should have to rely upon a charitable postcode lottery, though. But if it's accessible to the OP, then I do think it would be a really, really good idea to take the support and work through what she wants and how she feels.

Op hasn't given enough detail for anyone to determine if she needs counselling
It's a mn recommendation that pops up as if counselling is readily available
On a practical level imo,op should unpick the joint finances and cost getting a flat share

Given her bf drinks to point of passing out,has verbal outburst I'd say he needs to seek some help

He's a bad drunk. For that reason alone, get out and don't have a baby with him. Save yourself from this happening again.

Get shut. He doesn't deserve you, you can then go on to have a happy relationship with someone else who treats you with respect.

What is wrong with these massive great man babies?!

Some people have that kind of vocab all the time but if he doesn't usually then no it's not normal. My (now) DH once called me a 'fucking bitch'. I was so shocked, he's never, ever uttered anything like that at me before. A few months down the line it turns out he had been teetering on the edge of a breakdown and felt completely unable to confide in me. It was definitely a sign that something big was going on which I didn't pick up on enough at the time.

I'll try and talk to him when he is sober to make sense of it all

Sometimes there is no sense to make. People will say and do shit things to you because they can. And if you still hang around, it gives them licence to keep on doing it - progressively worse - because you are showing them you don't have enough self-respect to leave.
I urge you very strongly to stop making excuses for him and find a kind, respectful man to have babies with.

Thank you everyone for your replies and advice.

I spoke to him and asked wtf was the name calling about and he said he was very drunk and doesn't remember and would never say that to me and definitely doesn't think that way about me. He acknowledged that when he's stressed and drunk he takes it out on me because I'm an easy target. He can't just call up his clients and start calling them fucking bitches I guess.

I brought up the saying "in wine there is truth", like if you drunk you're honest and his reply said that's true if one has had a couple of glasses of wine, not a couple of bottles!

I love him so much but I'm too scared to leave him. I'm petrified at the thought of being on my own or breaking his heart.