SAHM's...do you have 'job satisfaction'?

[DetentionGrrrl]

I'm curious as to whether SAHM's enjoy their work, and get a thrill out of completing tasks etc.

DP said i was a very good wifey the other day because i'd made him lunch for work and ironed some shirts for him. I had a little warm feeling...then thought dear god, where's my feminist feeling gone?!

I don't get as much satisfaction from putting the dishwasher on as i did say, training new staff in my 'proper' job, but sometimes, i think it's not so bad being a wifey instead.

you talk alotta sense climbingrosie!

yes, it flatters me when dh calls me te best wife he ever hadsilly man
makes me laugh, i feel happy when i done some job,and definately after dd gone bed and nice dinner sit down talk to dh about us and dd, and our future plan. i happy being sahm, i love every moment of it, althoug i have up and downs at times, specially expecting num2.

Tenalady: do you really mean that parents should never do anything that's just about pleasing themselves? Not even take half an hour a day to read a paper, or one evening a fortnight to hang out with other adults, see a film, eat an uninterrupted meal? Or that parents who, pre-parenthood, had a particular skill or talent that they really enjoyed using, should regard that part of their lives as completely over for the next 10 years? What do you do when your DCs are sleeping? (If you are one of these unfortunates whose DCs have awful sleep problems then I sympathise and will back straight off).

While I do understand why women want to go back to work to get a "sense of self", I feel that looking after DH and DD is me. Maybe it is instinctive, like preggerspoppet said. Women arent stupid so I think men couldnT have "fooled" us into looking after them and kids for so long if some of us didnT enjoy it. It just got a bit out of hand when society started saying that this was womens only role (eg 1950s). After Id given birth to DD, I lay next to her, and thought " this is my world". I felt like this was the missing piece to my identity, and IVe never felt so much myself as I have since having her. But Im going to give part-time work a go anyway in May. I do think its important that women can work too, if they feel want to, and I want to show dd this.

Tenalady - I have just read your posts and am a bit shocked that you say "I'm not wholeheartedly with you on the doing something to keep one's one sense of self alive. It was a given that it flew out of the window once I had a child. There is a lot of selfish parents out there".

So your sence of self has just vanished??? YOu have given up everything you were interested in or passionate about before having kids? Either this is not the case and in fact you do still have sense of self outside the DCs but are struggling to see it right now or you really have given up everything to become a cleaning feeding loving machine.

The thing is, in these situations (and I'm not implying that this is the case with you Tenalady!) the DCs will not always be around for you to clean and feed and in fact will not want you always doing that, they will all grow up and leave home, and then where will that leave you?? If you have abandoned your former self it will be pretty darn hard to suddenly 'find' it again and find anything worthwile to fill your now empty time with. So you run the risk of always clinging to your children even as grown ups, being a difficult controlling MIL and basically living your life through your children, or waiting for the grandchildren to arrive to start all over again. This really is not good for children who feel the presure to 'fulfil your dreams' rather than their own, and who might pull away and distance themselves more from you than a parent who always had their own interests and life as well as being parents and didn't need to live their lives through their children. This is not selfish, in fact, it makes you a whole person which is what we all want our children to be, so we should be setting an example, having interests and hobbies, nurturing ourselves etc. then we will be more fulfilled and able to give more to our children, and not run the risk of resenting them for what we have lost.

Sorry that this is long, but one's sense of self should not just fly out of the window once you have a child.

and almost everything people do is selfish, and parents are not excluded from this. Even the decision to have children is usually selfish. To think otherwise is just self-deception.

"If you have abandoned your former self it will be pretty darn hard to suddenly 'find' it again and find anything worthwile to fill your now empty time with."

I doubt very much she has really abandoned her sense of self, she's still a bright, opinionated modern woman (definition of a Mumsnetter surely?) - I think she'll probably be able to cope. I would imagine that most clingy freaky empty nest mums of the sort you describe probably weren't fun loving career girls before having kids.

I agree that small babies are not much company, I've had that creative/intellectual urge at around the 5month mark that made me feel ready to go back to work which I did with my 1st. With my 2nd I channelled it into the voluntary work I do - I run a real nappy network with its own website, I collate, pack and distribute information packs, make up trial kits, I organise events and meet monthly with my 'nappy gang' friends, I'm constantly networking and consequently help the local NCT too. I'm now also pre-school treasurer and this month organised a very successful high school reunion. All this plus pre-school runs and toddler groups has helped me and my kids make lots of new friends. Plus feeding the family, running the family finances and the odd bit of housework.
I can see where Tenalady is coming from - my kids have given me a whole new sense of self and it involves helping others instead of lining some nasty t**t of a boss's pockets (as in my previous life).

Agree completely Bucketsofdynomite that having children definately gives a whole new sense of self and opens doors to interests that we would never have descovered otherwise, and talents that we never new we had, with satisfaction that we would never have felt lining some boss's pockets.
That's why I don't believe for a minute that Tenalady's sense of self flew out of the window when she had a child, her sense of self probably just changed , like it does with everyone who becomes a mum, but that doesn't mean abandoning it, which is what she made it sound like. It is just growing and descovering new things and developing, and maybe maturing and realising that things we thought were important B/C are not actually. If that is what Tenalady meant then I agree. But we should not abandon our own interests that are important to us just because we have children and they 'always come first'.

(...and yes, I'm sure all mners are still bright, opinionated modern women - and not the clingy freaky empty nest mums of the sort I described earlier! lol )

No havent gone completely crazy, I have a facial from time to time, read my mags, get on ere. Somehow I seem to be satisfied with the life of dealing with ds.

I was a lively soul before, always partying, always working, always out. Maybe I just had enough of all that. It obviously has changed me as im not that lively person anymore, but I dont really care, that was then and now is now.

Ds will be off later in life and tbh I will quite look forward to it but by then I will be in another phase of life (retirement period) So quite looking forward to spending time alone with the old man and catching up then.

Meanwhile most of my energies do go into life around the home.

Madamez wrote:

'SAHM = the job is looking after the DCs. All the rest of the shitwork (dishes, cooking, shopping, laundry, bin emptying, lawnmowing etc) is stuff that has to be done, more or less, in anyone's home, whether or not there are small children there. A single adult living alone still has to eat and do laundry, even if that means phoning for pizza and lugging the bags down to the laundrette.
So this is where it becomes unreasonable for a WOHP to refuse to do any of the house shitwork because the WOHP does "work" 5 days a week. The SAHP, who gets the subsistence wage, should at least get one of the two weekend days off to do stuff purely for his/her own enjoyment.'

Hear hear ! I shall print this out and show it to dh.

I am a SAHM at the moment and I do see my job as looking after our dd but hubby seems to think it includes ALL the housework, the care for all the farm animals etc. I find my days are very full and when he comes home and I tell him what I did all day(the same bloody thing every day) I never get a 'wow, well done' or 'thank you'. The worst thing though is that my working week doesn't end. My saturdays and Sundays are exactely the same as the rest of the week. The same routine, the same chores. I feel I never get a weekend or a break (besides also having no pay, no pension, no sick pay (or sickies for that matter) ....

So, no I don't enjoy my job. I feel exploited. I think I am undervalued, underpaid, ehm, well not paid, overworked and not appreciated. ...and I've got three degrees and used to be a top shot.

The problem is that if I go back to work I still have to do everything I do now on top of my job. I am not sure I could cope with the stress and extra pressure.

Sorry for the rant the topic hit a nerve.

Ok I've re-read the whole thread and I think that perhaps I was a tad too negative. I do enjoy spending time with dd and I love the fact that I am my own boss (apart from dd of course) and can make my own timetable, that's a great freedom to have, and I do realise that I am very very lucky to be able to afford to stay home with dd, so I really should not complain.

...I still hate housework though !

I think this is a wonderful thread with so many clever insights. Thank you all very much for this.

I'm a sahm, I finally gave up work altogether almost a year ago, although that was after a year of maternity leave. I'm on my second child and it was financially not viable to work and afford childcare, but also I didn't like my job and hated that fact that I had to work and leave my children for something I didn't enjoy.

BUT have been going slightly stir crazy of late as I've been just going straight without breaks....and I wondered what do you do to take time out? I don't want to suggest that staying at home = craziness, I don't think it does. Just when I worked I'd swim before starting, have a coffee when i wanted (toilet when I wanted!!), lunch with a friend, discussion with colleagues etc. What's the sahm equivalent????

If this is a different thread, say so and I'll create it.

Mumsnet

i love staying at home with kids, half term has been great. i hate house work and do my best, hubby helps out and we share the chores. i give him earache if he doesn't pull his weight. i've had pnd for the past 15months which has been horrendous but i've always loved spending time with the children. being a mum is the hardest job in the world and the lack of respect this position gets is reflected in society today. i'm lucky i've got such a great hubby!!!

Breaks Redheadmum? Well, I seem to remember a day off back in ... um 2002. Otherwise, I guess it's a case of meeting other like minded Mums who you can coffee with and compare notes with. Not exactly earth shatteringly exciting, but hits the spot for me.

perhaps my examples of working sloth (remember I hated my job!) and the word 'break' wasn't the best.....

I meant getting time out in so me way.....have to go door bell gone!!!

see ya later

yes as a SAHM I do, yeah kids are hard work but that's part of the reason I have job satisfaction cos I know it's harder than sitting at a desk, daydreaming out the window when you want to (one previous job. Kids are so rewarding tho and the effort and TIME you put in you definitely get back. Seeing all the firsts is brill I'd hate to miss that. I'm not that houseproud I do the basics of keeping it clean and tidy and meal on the table etc. Having an appreciative hubby helps and mine cooks at the weekend which gives me a break.

GOOD ON YA I say to every SAHM

Redheadmum: try to brave some mother-and-toddler groups. Even though some of them can be gruesome, they offer a bit of time outside the house and the possiblity of adult company. The other thing is, if you can get friendly with nearby mums who have kids aroudn the same age as yours, it may be possible to arrange an hour or two of swapped childcare ie you add hers to yours for an afternoon and then she does the same for you, freeing up time to go and do something you'd like to do, that's just for you (sleeping, exercise class, shopping, book of sudoku puzzles, rampant sex with milkman, couple of hours on the shooting range, whatever).
The main key to surviving as a SAHM is to make sure that you and DCs get out of the house regularly and you get the chance to have a conversation with other adults.

totally agree madamez and crayon,

redhead I would go stir crazy if I didn't have a bit of a sahm gang. not that we hang out in each others pockets, but it is great socialising for the kids and is company for me, but not just that, I have read on here somewhere before about the sahm's comparason to the office...

can't remember how it went exactly but it refered to other sahm as colleagues and coffee mornings with other sahm as 'metings' -well it was very funny and very true (maybe someone else will remember the whole lot...)

We always go out at once a day, even if for just a walk in the rain, in fact one of my 'colleagues' phoned me this morning to say she was braving an outing in the rain and persuaded me to go which I did and then she came over for lunch with her two cherybs. it was lovely, the kids were amused, we all had excersize and fresh air, worked up a nice appitite for lunch and then all had a nice long and lazy afternoon.
Perfect.
some people feel trapped by being a sahm, I see it as freedom -freedom to be embraced and cherished, as I am sure this time will one day become 'the good old days'.

this thread has such feel-good-factor!

hmm, have to agree with Barbie and Jumble, being SAHM has been something i have really struggled with over past years (DS is 27 months, am pg with DD). I love bits of it, but have really struggled with questions about who I am anymore! am also trying to finish degree part time (mature student), and work sundays in bookshop (my old full time job) for brain food time.
I adore the creative aspect of SAHM (making playdoygh, etc) but the drudgery of physical and mental work is endless, i find. But then, maybe it depends on what sort of person you were before hand? i have always had anxiety issues and am bit of control freak and overacheiever - these do NOT blend well with motherhood IME! live in the moment is great advice but HARD to do when you know your week is the same week in week out, with little relief or break

hmm, have to agree with Barbie and Jumble, being SAHM has been something i have really struggled with over past years (DS is 27 months, am pg with DD). I love bits of it, but have really struggled with questions about who I am anymore! am also trying to finish degree part time (mature student), and work sundays in bookshop (my old full time job) for brain food time.
I adore the creative aspect of SAHM (making playdoygh, etc) but the drudgery of physical and mental work is endless, i find. But then, maybe it depends on what sort of person you were before hand? i have always had anxiety issues and am bit of control freak and overacheiever - these do NOT blend well with motherhood IME! live in the moment is great advice but HARD to do when you know your week is the same week in week out, with little relief or break

Yes, I do have job satisfaction from being a SAHM. Never had been type of person with maternal instincts or had a passion for having children, but when had my first baby a year ago, I decided to give up my job which was the best thing I've ever done. I have satisfaction and pleasure from being able to organise my days/weeks with baby however I want it. Also of seeing my baby greet me with a smile and the look of excitment every morning when he wakes up. I have satisfaction from not having to deal with stupid office politics pettyness of adults in the work place that I'd become so used to putting up with and didn't realise how bad it was until was on maternity leave deciding whether or not to go back. I agree with ceba, I think it does depends on what kind of person you were before having baby and I think how you see life, as to whether or not you enjoy being a SAHM. I've actually already done the career/partying/travelling etc and have a degree. So having this in my life now, suits me well as I don't see or feel that being a SAHM as being dull but a challenge. But don't all jobs have their boring moments and are basically routine? I haven't at all become brain dead either as I always have to think ahead to plan new ways of entertaining baby,devising new ways to get baby to eat veg, orgainising travel with baby home & abroad and sort out bills etc. Not easy when you've not had much of, and trying to catch up on sleep with an active baby. I also agree with preggerspoppet, as our baby is growing up so fast, I too will miss these days when they are gone, so I'm making the most of it.

i have crap days and I have good days - but I love being home with the dds. Not over housework or something but in seeing the amazing things the dds do every day and the praise they get for the fab things they do.

Same thing I had when teaching - good days, crap days but I loved my job. Love it when you see kids 'get' things that you have taught them or do really well when they have worked hard and or overcome hassles to do well. As to the every day plod of meetings etc - hated it.

David Cameron was saying on Radio 4 this week that he intends to introduce tax thingy which ends up 'giving' SAHP about £300/month ...

quote ...
Speaking on the BBC Radio 4 You and Yours programme earlier this week, Cameron said bringing up children is the hardest task, and a tax break would make a 'real difference' for married couples.

if we average a 30-day month, 10hour day that's a tenner a day and £1/hour ... compared with another recent study saying kids cost about £23/day.

Ha -- guess it's a step in the right direction, but the maths speak society's value outloud IMHO!