One of us is spectacularly wrong.

[user1471456416]

I'm married to a lovely man, he is kind,caring and brilliant dad to our children.
However, he has this horrible habit of not listening to or acknowledging my opinions or thoughts on things. Sometimes trivial, sometimes bigger choices that he just gets on with.
Over many years of marriage this is the only
thing we ever argue about because it makes me feel so inadequate and simply ignored as though my opinion just isn't important enough to be considered.
For example, bigger things such as moving house he will not even entertain because he simply doesn't want to move. I,on the other hand would at least hear him out and at least think about it.
He doesn't even let me finish my sentence before he says no to anything he doesn't agree with.This sends me crazy and I've told him many many times it makes me feel worthless and ignored.
So, the problem. We have a large family and are fairly broke. Everyone's fed and bills paid but little left for luxuries.
I specifically said let's not get expensive gifts for each other for Christmas because we're trying to save for a caravan holiday in the summer. Please could we put any money we had away for the holiday.
I was very clear about this, explaining how we could then have a better holiday for us all.
Despite this, I got a bottle of expensive perfume, which he's bought me several time previously and each time I've thanked him and gently said but please don't buy it for me again and he's gone and spent several hundred pound on a necklace.
I'm so upset! Mostly because he has completely ingnored my wishes again, despite me telling how sad it makes me feel to be ignored. Also he's now really cross and hurt because he keeps saying how he was just trying to do something nice for me.
Something nice would be putting that money in the holiday pot as I asked.
Now I've got perfume I don't like and a necklace I can't return.
But mostly I'm so upset he's just done what he wants again and now I look spectacularly ungrateful.
I can't find the words to express how insignificant I feel when he does this. I know he doesn't do it on purpose but now we've fallen out and I feel crap about myself.

It's not generous to impose things on people that they don't want.

And you have my sympathy because it can be REALLY hard to talk about.
My XH bought me a £100 video camera one year that was one I had specifically said "but don't get me that one" - no chance of a mistake, it was the one his mum had.
I couldn't let off steam with anyone because I sounded like a spoilt bitch.

Is he being controlling under the guise of caring and being generous?
Does he know what he is doing?

And you have my sympathy because it can be REALLY hard to talk about.
My XH bought me a £100 video camera one year that was one I had specifically said "but don't get me that one" - no chance of a mistake, it was the one his mum had.
I couldn't let off steam with anyone because I sounded like a spoilt bitch.

I promise,I'm not at all shy about telling him he's pissed me off. He's already apologised. He felt that as it was "extra money" and I have had a difficult year he wanted to treat me to something I would never buy for myself.
His sentiment is always good but it becomes very frustrating when you feel ignored.
Also, I'm very easy going and very easily pleased so generally I would always choose the cheapest/easiest option for myself where as he feels I should spoil myself more.
He is very generous generally to everyone, not just financially so if he can do something for someone he will without a second thought.
Actually,I think his problem is he's an over enthusiastic people pleaser.

Why, WHY does he persist in ignoring you?

No, a people pleaser would do what YOU want.

I think there might be 2 issues here.
A lot of examples you mentioned seem to be to do with money or him getting you better (in his opinion) things that you ask for? Are you controlling with things like that? obviously he doesn't seem to be controlled in that aspect but do for example when you chose the kitchen did he have a say in it initially? were you the one choosing the dog or did he have any say in it? the lamb for example, could he have just fancied a nice expensive steak and then said it was for you because he didn't think you wanted him to spend that much?
If he wanted to buy you perfume as a gift and some jewellery it does seem a bit controlling that you are annoyed over that when it seems like a nice thing to do.
Sounds like he likes spoiling you a bit with gifts and what he thinks are nice things.
Of course not listening to you in regards to other things is a different issue, such as moving house...life changing things like that...can you give us any more examples that aren't related to him buying things or overruling what you had intended to buy?

I think if you want to get through to him in regards to the bigger issues you should for now seperate the examples where he bought you things and describe other instances to him where he makes you feel inadequate and ignored.

Actually,I think his problem is he's an over enthusiastic people pleaser

You're making excuses for him.
If he was a people pleaser he would do things that please YOU - you know, like respecting that you wanted a cheap xmas present and any 'spare money' to go in the holiday fund.

If he wanted to please you he would get the groceries you requested - not something completely different.

Frankly, he would not ignore your feelings and thoughts, and he wouldn't be so dismissive of you IF he wanted to please you.

He's over riding and ignoring you because he doesn't think you know your own mind. He thinks his ideas and choices are ultimately the 'correct' ones, hence why he walks all over you.

Being a good dad and provider does NOT mean he has no personality defects.

Perhaps you should start giving him a dose of his own medicine....see how he reacts

Perhaps you should start giving him a dose of his own medicine....see how he reacts

Again, how pleasing is it to be wilfully ignored?

This isn't generosity. The person he is trying to please is himself, because he is attached to the image of himself as Mr Generous

I had this from my PIL, e.g. giving us large items of ugly furniture and actually saying I was ungrateful if I was not 100% enthusiastic. They were simply so sure that their taste and preferences were right that they could not see why I might not want exactly what they thought I should have. It is a form of superciliousness. Thinking they know better than you, and getting annoyed if you don't agree.

My ex was more subtle; he would just purse his lips when I bought stuff or was not grateful for his or his parents' gifts. Had the same effect, though: I ended up surrounded by ugly furniture and old junk as I felt bad about being "pushy" and a wasteful person who wanted to throw away perfectly serviceable old junk.

Sometimes there has to be compromise - you have to accept the way your partner wants to do things sometimes or it is you that's not respecting their wishes. Just keep an eye out for the balance.

Whether it's controlling or well intentioned (and I'm on the fence), I couldn't live like this. There is already way too much compromise in a marriage & with children, without someone not listening to what you want when you can choose.

Why did he go and buy the kitchen? Why didn't you? What's this about him being able to afford a 'nicer' one?

As for coming home with a PUPPY when you were looking for a rescue DOG...I'd have gone mad.

...and the ice cream, I'm an adult I know what I bloody well want.

On the other hand, if you're always doing the 'Oh little old me, I really want a fancy one, but I'm not worth it, I'll just have a plain one' then I can see why he feels he wants to treat you to prove you are 'worth more'.

I don't think he's abusive. I think he's a fool.

A previous poster mentioned the five languages of love and I agree that this is relevant here. The basic idea is that we all express love in different ways (the authors have identified five different ways), and we tend to assume that the other person defines love in the same way. It's clear that he expresses love via gifts, the book may help him to understand that you don't!

Lovely, kind and caring people don't make you feel inadequate, ignored or crap about yourself.

I read that post where you said described how he 'upgraded' (ignored) all of your wishes. I can assure you now, without even meeting him, that none of that is about you or making you happy, it's about him and making him happy.

What you are describing is someone who doesn't give a single consideration to what you want. He is doing what he wants regardless of what you want.

I'm not going to explain any more because I know you're not going to listen and everyone else has said the same. My exh was exactly the same. It's a form of abuse. It's undermining everything you say, it's not treating you as an adult with independent thought and autonomy, it's not treating you as an equal because he thinks he always knows best.

It's utterly disrespectful.

I agree with WellErr. Are you married to Frank Spencer perchance?

Covert narcissists do this

Oh my, how frustrating. Tell him again that his actions have caused you to feel insignificant and worthless - use those words and if he says he did for you, disagree and say he did it for himself. Agree you will spend £10 on each others birthday presents with £X going towards the holiday. Discuss what other expenses could be cut without causing discomfort or difficulties and save as much as you can. The frugaleers thread has loads of ideas. Examples might be turning the heating off when the children go to bed, pad out the spag bol with lentils, there are hundreds of ideas. Keep your own holiday fund. Adopt the broken record technique, every day and be specific - 'Here is the list of what we need, do not buy anything else at all. If you do I know that you will be deliberately and willfully ignoring me and it is affecting me and our marriage very badly. "

Tell him there are to be no "frills" unless you both agree in advance. Tell him his attitude is coming between you and that although he is a good husband and father, this is a huge issue. You do not have to shout but tell him firmly that he must stop and that in future expensive gifts will be sold on eBay. Tell him the best gift will be to see the whole family enjoying themselves on a holiday which you plan and agree together and that he is not to book anything without your knowledge.. Would he take note if you wrote it down for him in addition to telling him? This guy needs to be trained.

The filet steak isn't because he knows it will make you happy. It's because the idea of himself as a generous, kind, treating man makes HIM happy. He's doing it to maintain a self perception of himself as wonderful husband - not to actually make YOU happy.

This. 100 times this.

I was married to a man like your DH OP.
For years, I couldn't understand WHY I was unhappy, when it appeared that I had an amazing husband who would move the moon for me.
And then I realised that he'd move the moon on my behalf, whether or not I wanted him too. The things he was buying and doing weren't for ME, they were to meet his needs.

People pleasers (which I don't think your H is) aren't about pleasing others, it's a deep seated feeling of inadequacy. In your H's case the pay off for his behaviour towards you appears to be control. Look what happened when you challenged his 'generosity, he started to tell you how you should feel because he decides how you feel, not you.

What you seem to class as over enthusiastic generosity, I read as a selfish needs to prioritise whatever the pay off is for his unilateral thinking. He decides because he knows better, your opinion doesn't count because if it did, he'd listen.

This is who he is and the only thing you can do is to challenge him whenever he wilfully ignores you. Sell the necklace and return the perfume and inform him why and if he calls you ungrateful, remind him that this is the price he'll have to suck up when he wilfully ignores you.

Necessity is a great motivator and hopefully if he isn't getting the pay off, he's be less inclined to behave this way. However, whatever is driving this behaviour is probably deep seated and will probably need professional support to uncover its origins but first, he'll have to acknowledge that it's an issue.

Stop enabling his dismissal of your feelings by calling him out on it every single time.

To answer some questions. He went and got the kitchen because there wasn't room for both of us. The money is ours but when he got there the prices had changed and we could afford a better one.
I'm not a martyr about presents but I'm genuinely not fussed about stuff.
If I want or need something I buy it out of our money.
He's taking back the perfume and he's asked me to go with him and see if We can exchange the necklace. I've told him I want nothing to do with it, I didn't want it and I'd told him not to buy anything expensive.
I've also told him again how he's ruined this holiday for me and every time he does this he make me feel ignored and inadequate.
He's apologised again saying this wasn't his intention and he just wanted to surprise me with something I wasn't expecting.
I had a feeling he'd do something like this which was why I'd specifically said no expensive presents.
I've also said to not ever buy me anything ever again unless I ask for it.
All extra money is to go in the holiday tin as we had discussed and agreed.
He's not intentionally controlling or bossy but he does have this incredible urge to help and make people happy.
When I'm cooking, he's standing there waiting to clear up/pass me anything I might need. So when I go to stir something he's already washed the spoon and put it away. He calls it helping I call it interfering.

I've also said to not ever buy me anything ever again unless I ask for it.

If buying you things is meeting a need in him then this ultimatum will cause him significant difficulty and distress.
It is likely that long term he will look for other ways of meeting those needs - in my exDHs case, he eventually began to gamble and misuse porn.

Im not suggesting you're wrong - but you might need to be aware that long term, you aren't compatible.