Can't believe this...

[Arosebyanyothername]

Hi
Having struggled through huge problems, which culminated in me leaving him and taking the DC with me,I came back to give it another go. Things aren't good. And now, DH has set up a website for people to contact other people for extra marital, no strings attached sex! He wanted me to run it, and when I said not a chance, he got annoyed and said he would do it himself. His idea is that, in the beginning, until he has a list of male and female contacts, he will pose as lots of different men, and I would pose as lots of different women, and 'cyber sex' with them via e mail!!!! Then if they asked to meet up make up an excuse and cry off! As if this wasn't disrespectful enough to me, he spent all of the weekend loking at porn sites 'for research', in the living room, in front of me and DD, who is 2. She could clearly see the pictures of oral/anal/lesbian acts etc...when I went ballistic he said she wouldn't understand and wouldn't take any notice anyway!!!!! I don't have a problem with porn as such, but it has it's time and place. I am furious that he could access that while our daughter was standing next to him. he wants to 'cater' for all tastes and persuasions...wanted to take a photo of my feet to put on there for foot fetishists!!!! All of this has been set up without discussion. To make matters worse, Social Services are involved (from a distance) over previous problems and they would go mental of they got wind of this but he just can't see it. I can't even bear to be in the same room as him anymore...he turns my stomach. Basically he is giving himself a green light to cyber with loads of different women under my nose, in my living room, in the name of business.

Please do something before he posts pics of you or your kids 'to cater for everyone.'
Out of interest what are his family like? And could you ex or his family help at all perhaps?

His family are completely dysfunctional...and if I never see them again it will be too soon. Both his stepfathers abused him...as in beating him...and the mother allowed it to happen. So no help there I'm afraid.
One point I have to make is that he hasn't forced me into the sex industry...I see what you're saying but there is no way i would get involved. However, the intention was there so I guess it amounts to the same thing. Also, I didn't allow DD to see any more of the images when i realised what he was doing... I really had a hissy fit. That said he was still looking at them an hour later when I came in to tell him my other 2 kids were home. But you must understand I didn't allow her to look at them.
Something his first wife said has just come back to me...she once said he had tried to get her involved in a threesome...food for thought isn' it?
EX DH is a big support, but lives 150 miles away, so although he's on the end of the phone there isn't a lot he can do.

Also he did badger me to send him pics of myself on his phone a week or so again. Needless to say I didn't. Makes you wonder tho doesn't it?

Ity's very sad to hear the circumstances of his own upbringing, rose, but it does suggest that he is genuinely badly damaged, and it will probably take professional help to get him to change. So don't habg around hoping you can help him and he will improve.

Personally I think you would be mad to just change the locks...I would have thought that could lead to him simply smashing the door down and then you...as NJ says, you need the back up of the police and SS for your current and future protection, both legal as well as physical and emotional. I do think calling Women's Aid for advice is a good idea, too.

Arose..what have you done about this so far today?

Definitely second calling Women's Aid. I'm in one of their refuge homes and the support is amazing. There are solutions through thinks like injunctions and orders and you CAN be protected.

It isn't easy - far from it - but leaving an abusive relationship is do-able and more worthwhile than you might know right now.
And abuse doesn't have to mean violence AT ALL.

I think you need to act now.
What if he loses hi temper and something happens to you. Your dc's could be stuck there with him, alone!!
If your exdh is a big support then tell him everything, and that you fear for your and dc's safety.
They're his dc's too , don't you think he'd be in the car to come and get you as soon as he put down the phone?
Isn't it worth a try?
Could you get the train and stay with him until you get on your feet.
Sod the house you're in if it's only rented. Travel to ex, or family. Just get out of there, preferably to somewhere he wont find you.

he's usimg your home to set up a sex site - thats kind of forcing you to be involved. Its not like you can avoid it. What if he hands out your photo/number?

no one's blaming you at all but you need to decide - do you want to live this way or not? If not, stop finding ways to reduce the seriousness of the situation and get him out.

If you are determined that he will not move out adn you will have to, you better find a different refuge/ accomodation as soon as possible, why did you go back to him? did he say he would maek an effort or was it because he had found out where you were anyway?

wish you luck with getting away again

Hi. ExDH can't help as he is living with his gf and there's no way she'd allow that. She's the reaosn we broke up, and can't even have my name mentioned in the house!
I came back becuase he promised he would get help for his depression and 'issues'...needless to say he hasn't at all.

What are you going to do?

Does he ever see/have his children to stay.
Does he care more about his gf than his dc's. Can't he at least take them while you go to temp house and find a new place with your youngest dd?
Surely his gf wouldn't object to that given the circumstances re porn/violent temper.

Arose, I really feel for you - go to see a specialist family solciitor and get yourself some solid legal advice - you will feel stronger if you know what you can and can't do. There is loads that can be done to help you.

Joint names or not, you can apply to the court for an order known as an occupation oder which is an order obliging him to leave. At the same time the court can make a non-molestation order so that, once out, he can't harrass you.

The solicitor would normally write to him and ask him to leave and inform him that if he has not left by such and such a date you will apply to the court for the order. Usually the threat is enough. The fact that it is a joint tenancy is neither here nor there - you can ask for- and probably get an order transferring the tenancy to you as part of divorce proceedings

Do you have anywhere to stay as I wouldn't suggest that you are there when he gets the letter.

Whatever you do, don't lie to SS or seek to protect him as then they will not trust you and your ability to put dc first. I don't really whether their problem is with you or him but if it is with him they may well tell him that if he does not leave dc could be taken away from you both. You need SS on your side working with you.

Make an appointment with your solicitor and go with a friend and a pen and paper to take notes as you're probably at a low ebb and it can be a lot to take in. If you want to go for a divorce at this stage take your marriage certificate, ID and proof of income as he/she will need it.

don't change the locks - he has a right of entry and can break in and then you'll just be left with him more angry and a bill to pay for the damage.

You can get free of this person if you want to- i hope you do and good luck

Please do what Zookeeper says, if you need money for it I'm sure your friends that he alienated you from would help. They will have drifted because they thought you didn't want help or to leave, I am 100% sure they would be only too happy to help you divorce him.
Do you feel like he's getting worse lately re the sex obsession? If you think there's something building up in his head you need to get yourself safe before he decides you really don't have any say at all.

Hi. The sex obsession is out of the blue completely. He has an extremely low (non existent most of the time) sex drive, which has been a major bone of contention throughout the marriage. I really don't know if this whole website thing is for his own gratification or if he does just see it as a way of making easy money. Either way it's disgusting...in fact if it's a cold and calculating thing it makes it more sinister in a way.

What makes it sinister is that he tried to trick you into sending rudey pics to his phone so he could put them on it.
Which I think is what he had in mind don't you?

Bandofmothers...I really truly do not know. I don't know if he has been planning this for a long time, or whether this is something that 'just' occurred to him. I don't know if the photo request was just for him, or whether he had other intentions for them (it was certainly out of character for him...he'd never asked that before). My head is all over the place and I don't know anything anymore. Which is not a good place to be for me as I am usually a very together person.

Well, I have read the entire thread, and posted on it as you know.
I realise it is easy to say, but I would have been out of there long ago.
In fact I don't think I'd have gone back for the promise of him doing something. I would have waited til he'd done it first.
He doesn't sound like a nice person, you're scared of him, if you are then I expect your dc's are too.
There are places you can go and be protected.
Have you decided what you're going to do yet???

You need to either get him out or get out yourself so you can put your head together. I know that is easier said than done but the longer you stay the harder it will be to get out.