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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't believe this...

94 replies

Arosebyanyothername · 20/02/2007 10:09

Hi
Having struggled through huge problems, which culminated in me leaving him and taking the DC with me,I came back to give it another go. Things aren't good. And now, DH has set up a website for people to contact other people for extra marital, no strings attached sex! He wanted me to run it, and when I said not a chance, he got annoyed and said he would do it himself. His idea is that, in the beginning, until he has a list of male and female contacts, he will pose as lots of different men, and I would pose as lots of different women, and 'cyber sex' with them via e mail!!!! Then if they asked to meet up make up an excuse and cry off! As if this wasn't disrespectful enough to me, he spent all of the weekend loking at porn sites 'for research', in the living room, in front of me and DD, who is 2. She could clearly see the pictures of oral/anal/lesbian acts etc...when I went ballistic he said she wouldn't understand and wouldn't take any notice anyway!!!!! I don't have a problem with porn as such, but it has it's time and place. I am furious that he could access that while our daughter was standing next to him. he wants to 'cater' for all tastes and persuasions...wanted to take a photo of my feet to put on there for foot fetishists!!!! All of this has been set up without discussion. To make matters worse, Social Services are involved (from a distance) over previous problems and they would go mental of they got wind of this but he just can't see it. I can't even bear to be in the same room as him anymore...he turns my stomach. Basically he is giving himself a green light to cyber with loads of different women under my nose, in my living room, in the name of business.

OP posts:

HappyDaddy · 20/02/2007 13:02

How is staying in this environment settling for your children? Surely moving again is far less traumatic than an abusive, possibly paedo father.

NurseyJo · 20/02/2007 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lou33 · 20/02/2007 13:03

illegal or not i would chuck his stuff out when he was not at home and change the locks

then i would be tempted to tell ss about his behaviour to give them grounds to make sure he doesnt move back in, as well as seeing a solicitor

doing this in front of your daughter is bloody awful and you need to protect her

and in the nicest possible way they are excuses, because you are scared of him, but also scared of being alone

but there comes a stage in life , when you live with diffcult men, where you think "anything has to be better than how i am living now"

i think that point has arrived

littlemissbossy · 20/02/2007 13:04

Where did you go the first time you left? go back there

Blu · 20/02/2007 13:07

Is the house in joint names? Is it your house...or from other things you say, is it forces housing?

You must get a realistic hold on the situation regarding your rights. Find out from either a solicitor or maybe start with Women's Aid advice line, or CAB what legal possibilities you have.

Have you told SS you moved back? I think you should be open and honest with them, too - they may be able to help you get him out. But if they find out you have 'secretly' -i.e without telling them - moved back with a man they obviously have concerns over, then they are going to lose a little confidence in you. You MUST get him out or leave.....SS wouldn't dream of taking your kids away unless they think you are putting them at risk...and moving them back without letting them know won't look good.

What is the nature of SS's unhappiness with your DH?

wartywarthog · 20/02/2007 13:07

i don't see why ss would take your kids away from you because of him. they would tell him to get out so you could bring up the kids in a safe environment.

Original poster

Arosebyanyothername · 20/02/2007 13:13

Lou33...no. I am not scared of being alone, honestly. Scared of him, yes, but not of being alone. I've done it before and would be happy to do it again. And financially I would be better off too, as he gives me nothing at all. I have to feed the family on just maintenance from my first husband and family allowance. And it's not been a marriage in any sense of the word for more than 3 years, so the thought of dating again is actually quite exciting. But I AM scared of the immediate fallout.
Littlemissbossy...I can't go back there as he found out where I was, and would go there to find us if we left again.

OP posts:

BuffysMum · 20/02/2007 13:15

Ask womens refuge to house you? I'm sure someone will get you the numbers

ishouldbeironing · 20/02/2007 13:16

Arose -
I notice that you say that you have a joint tenancy - who is is your landlord?
If you are in social housing then your landlord should have a policy concerning relationship breakdown - have you spoken to your landlord?

HappyDaddy · 20/02/2007 13:18

Why would SS take your children away from YOU when HE is the reason they were investigating in the first place?

YOU have to tell them you'r back with him or they will be reluctant to help you again.

Original poster

Arosebyanyothername · 20/02/2007 13:19

Blu...it's a council house in both names. Yes, SS know I am back. Their concern was emotional abuse towards my older 2 children...his step children. But now after this their concerns will no doubt be about all 3 of them.

OP posts:

littlemissbossy · 20/02/2007 13:20

You need a solicitor, an injunction and a divorce (sorry).
It is not normal to watch porn with children in the room and IMO it is not acceptable to expect your spouse to want contact with god knows how many strangers for sex.
You can't spend the rest of your life with someone you're scared of, it's no good for you or your children.

Original poster

Arosebyanyothername · 20/02/2007 13:21

Ishoulodbeironing...it's council and I already tried what you suggested. They don't have that policy in place yet apparently. Believe me, I badgered them for weeks to find a way to get him to leave but they were useless.

OP posts:

Aloha · 20/02/2007 13:23

So what are you going to do? are you going to make the choice to get him out of the house, or are you going to make the choice to let him abuse your kids (because IMO showing a two year old pictures like that is child abuse). It is your choice.

Original poster

Arosebyanyothername · 20/02/2007 13:24

Aloha...yes it IS abuse, there's no point beating about the bush. I have made the decision to end it (it's already ended anyway) but now I just have to put things in place.

OP posts:

Aloha · 20/02/2007 13:25

That's great. What are you going to do next?

Original poster

Arosebyanyothername · 20/02/2007 13:26

I know it all sounds pathetic. I really do, but until you are in the position you don't realise how hard it is. And I feel really weak not having kicked him to the kerb sooner. But it's all been so gradual, and he is so controlling that it blinds your judgement.

OP posts:

HappyDaddy · 20/02/2007 13:26

Good luck Arose, everyone on here supports you and will help you every step of the way, if you wish.

hunkeydorey · 20/02/2007 13:28

Could you tell your HA that he is running a sex business from your house? I'm pretty sure that will be against the rules of your tenancy.

If you can't think of a legitimate way to get him out, I would play dirty to be honest. Change the locks, wait for him to come home and lose his temper and then phone the Police. Tell the Police whatever you have to, to get him out of the house. Tell them about his grubby business, tell them he is making your 2 yo watch porn, tell them he is emotionally abusive, tell him that SS have already been involved because of the way he is treating your kids. Just do what you have to do and don't make any excuses for him.

Blu · 20/02/2007 13:38

Arose...lots of people understand that a realtionship with an abusive man affects your very ability to get out of that relationship - so well done for admitting to yourself that it must come to an end. You will get lots and lots of support for the tough emotional journey you have ahead of you, but in the immediate future you have a practical / legal / safety problem.

I think now you should listen to the people who understand things from a SS / legal pov - do lots of research and find out what you can do switly and effectively. Personally i wouldn't mess about with the council, I would do what Nurseryjo suggests and contact the police and SS and find out how to get an emergency injunction / or other order to bar him from contact with you - these can be put in place very quickly - or find out how to get moved to a safe house. the problem with that is that you have to move the kids again, and will always wonder if he is finding you.

mumto3girls · 20/02/2007 13:55

Please phone a locksmith and then call the police...if you don't do something to protect your children then who will?

If I knew your name and address I would report him - he is disgusting beyond belief.

NurseyJo · 20/02/2007 14:50

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Message withdrawn

NuttyMuffins · 20/02/2007 16:04

I live in social housing and changed the locks when I chucked xp out. Yes you are not supposed to do it but your other half would have to go to the trouble of complaining or ringing the police if he wanted to get back in and he would be dropping himself in it then wouldn't he.

catsmother · 20/02/2007 16:08

I can only echo what everyone else has said and urge you to take immediate action as suggested.

What sort of "man" accesses hard core porn in front of a child of any age ? His argument that she wouldn't understand what she saw has made me feel sick, and misses the point completely. From what I've read, children who are exposed to porn from a very young age grow up thinking it's normal, and IMO, whilst it might be considered normal by some adults (and that's a whole different thread) it's surely never normal for a child to think this way, nor be exposed to anything which shatters their innocence.

So far as SS and the polidce are concerned - and obviously, I think they should be - concerned that is, the fact that he has password protected his fledgling site would make no difference if they decided to investigate fully. Experts looking at the hard drive would be able to see all sites accessed, and, importantly, at what times & dates, thus giving credence to your claim (should he deny it) that your 2 year old has been exposed to this.

I can totally understand your fear of the immediate fallout but surely that is worth going through in order to protect your child, surely a bit of short term "pain" is worth the long term gain of safety, security, being better off and, most importantly, recovering your self worth. This "man" sounds utterly repugnant and disgusting, and, I'd also be worried he might be dangerous, given his total lack of regard for you or his daughter.

Please, please, do something about this. Women's Aid would be able to help you through all the practical steps you need to take, if (understandably) you can't see your way clear to do what you need to right now.
Call them on 0808 2000 247 (freephone 24/7). They help for women and children experiencing physical, sexual or emotional abuse in their homes. Their email: [email protected]

meowmix · 20/02/2007 16:16

have to echo the others - get him out. He's crossed two pretty big boundaries already - exposing his child to sexual images at a ridiculously young age and forcing his wife/partner into the sex industry against her will. I'd be worried about what the next boundary he wants to cross will be. This kind of behaviour can escalate quickly, esp as he sounds very controlling and if you're allowing this level of behaviour he's going to try to push it further. Part of the thrill will be to see how far he can push you.

Get him the hell away from your kids, home and self. You deserve better.

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