getting over an affair when you're still in love

[catandthechristmasttree]

I'm married with two children, but for the past three months I've been having an affair with my ex, whom I also work beside... We were together a long time ago for a couple of years and have always been good friends since we split up. He also has a long term partner and children with her.

We know we can't have a future together, neither of us wants to be responsible for splitting up two families, and it would be catastrophic for work if the truth got out. The last time we were together was last week, we had a big chat and decided that it has to be over. Although we've said it before a few times, I know this time it's real. It has to be over as it's totally messing with our minds and we can't have our other halves finding out - they'd be devastated. I know we were completely wrong to start it in the first place, and I don't know how we got to be in 'that place' again, but the fact is it did happen, we can't change that.

My problem now is I'm so confused. I do love my husband, but I know we have problems (obviously) and at the moment I have no motivation to sort them out, which is just wrong! However, I've realised recently that I also love the OM. I felt myself falling in love with him all over again, but tried to ignore it. That was until last week - we'd both had a bit to drink, nothing had happened at this point, but when we were saying goodbye and gave each other a hug neither of us could break apart. We had a kiss, another 'what are we doing' conversation, and then after another hug he told me 'I do love you, you know' - I asked him to repeat as I didn't think I'd heard him properly, and he said it again. I told him I loved him too.

The next night when we were together was when we said we had to end it. He can't face the repercussions if we were to keep going. He, like me, isn't happy in his relationship, but wants to try to make it work for the kids. I couldn't imagine either of us splitting up with our OHs because the fall out would be horrendous, which is why we've ended it, but I can't get him out of my head. I love him, I want to be with him, but I can't and it's tearing me apart. I know it's all my own doing, and it's entirely my fault I feel like this, but having nobody to talk to is killing me. I can't tell my husband, it's not an option. Both families are friends and we had agreed not to say anything, so I can't spill even if I wanted to. I can't cut him out of my life because we work very closely with each other and that's unlikely to change. I'm completely torn. I love OM but can't be with him without causing a massive amount of heartache, and I'm not willing to do that. I know I need to get my marriage back on track, but I don't know how to at the moment because I miss my OM so much.

Has anyone been in a similar situation before???

And I can promise you that people at work know. You may think you are discreet but I have worked in lots of places and everyone has always known about the "secret" affairs. They just don't talk to you or him about it

^^ this. We had two people at work having an affair. They thought they were so clever hiding it, but everyone knew they were hilarious. Every talked about it, just hit with them.

Thanks again folks.

I actually spoke with OMG last night and we thrashed through a few things. We again were adamant nothing more would happen between us. We're both going to work at our real relationships. We're also going to really focus on the business. We talked about why we think this happened and that if we were actually together it probably wouldn't work anyway as we'd have the real life, mundane shit to deal with too. It was easy between us, it always has been, and while it was also very wrong it has awakened something else in each of us and shown us that we need to work harder at our relationships.

I know I'll Probably be shot down in flames for speaking to him about it 🙈 but actually it really helped sort my head out.

Omg?! Hahahaha om!

Get the Shirley Glass book and read it before you see him again. If you're going to make this work, your whole relationship with OM needs to change. The book will tell you how.

Go into marriage counselling with your husband and tell him why.

You're not that scared of hurting him, you shagged a mutual friend. That doesn't 'just happen'. You didn't fall down a hole in the road.

You're scared of the hurt and anger he will feel when he finds out. You're scared that your kids will judge you when they find out.

The best you can do now is tell him and deal with the fall out well. I can't even be bothered to explain why keeping it a secret and hoping for a well functioning marriage around that secret is a stupid idea.

Affairs hurt a lot of people. Tell your husband. Be more loyal to him than to your affair. Let the marriage end decently if that's what needs to happen. That imo, is the best you can do for him, you and your kids.

And remember one of life's only rules: Don't be a dick! It's harder to keep than you might think.

Having an affair - dickish
Lying about said affair - dickish
Fessing up about an affair and trying to honestly build bridges with the father of your children - not dickish...

Having cost chats with your affair partner about your marriage - dickish

Cosy chats

Sorry, I know you say you can't give up work, but you're being disingenuous to yourself. In fact your inability to see that you absolutely MUST find work elsewhere, means that things are virtually guaranteed to start up again. You're trapped. And it's your own thinking that's trapping you and is pushing you head long into disaster.

I'm not trying to throw stones, I can totally see how what's happened has happened, but just as it took a certain amount of pro-activeness to keep the affair going, it will take twice as much to get the fire put out. You say its really over, but honestly? I really doubt it is (and I'm willing to bet there's a deeply buried secret part of you that doesn't want it to end. This is natural) All it takes is another catalyst, and it will start up again, with even more heat. And what about the physical attraction? Because I know if I were you, I would be feeling hot at the first bit of physical proximity or touch in the office.

Please at least look for another job whilst you have one. If you don't you are playing with fire. I assume the reason you posted is because you know deep down that you cannot trust your thinking at this point? Self delusion and accompanying underestimation of the dangers, is a necessary component of any affair.

I would really hate for you to ruin everything that truly matters in your life over a mistake fired by heavy does of self-delusion. You have everything. Romantic love always settles down. And what if you got the OM? Could you trust him not to do what you both did with someone else?

And if you've been on MN long enough, you'll know that society always blames the woman for affairs more than men. His wife and her family will blame you (for tempting him), your husband will blame you, maybe even your own family will blame you too. Why should you suffer this? As no one knows there is still time to drag yourself away from the edge. But if you are still putting yourself in front of OM (whom you have very strong feelings for) then you might as well jump. You may think. 'God I can control myself' But you're posting because you didn't. I'm willing to bet that before the affair, you would have never thought yourself capable of doing what you've done.

Get yourself away from danger and be whole again, instead of split down the middle.

Op do you think the fact that your dh had an affair whilst you were pregnant is still affecting your feelings for him even now? I wouldn't be able to get past that.

Wasn't your second last conversation with the OM all about ending things once and for all?

But you needed another one, just to thrash things out?

No judgement here. But you are so far in denial, it is like watching a car crash in slow motion.

The only way you will not cheat with this man again is if you never contact him again. It's as simple as that.

By choosing to continue to see him, you are choosing to continue your affair.

This won't be the only temporary hiatus. The permanent one will be when you blow your families' worlds apart.

OP - I'm kind of sympathetic as I nearly got into this situation recently.

The thing is, it is happening because you want it to. I don't mean that you consciously want it - I'm sure it is genuinely causing you pain and trouble - but you're acting out some kind of inner desire or conflict, probably dissatisfaction with your marriage. If you can acknowledge that this is really all about you - although with very real risks to other people - then you can possibly set it right.

What do you want? Do you want to stay with your DH? Have you really forgiven him for cheating on you - or is there some degree of revenge here?How important is your job to you? If it really is that important, why are you risking it?

Also, discussions with the OM about how you need to stop the affair are really just a continuation of it - so long as you are confiding in him not your DH, you are cheating.

And I also seriously doubt that people at your work haven't noticed - as people say it's about body language more than anything.

Also if your colleagues haven't already noticed, they'll likely notice a change now if you stop the affair.

You do realise that it could come out at any time now or in the future. Either your husband or the OM 's wife could find out.

I know there's always going to be a risk of someone finding out.

I'm currently chatting online to a relate counsellor and am getting an app sorted with someone local

Just from my experience, my STBXH had an affair with a colleague which took 5 years to come out.
He, apparently, struggled with guilt all that time and worry that it would be revealed. The way he handled it affected our relationship negatively. I tried to help him but obviously didn't understand what was troubling him.

I know that others have similar stories.

I can obviously see why you don't want to tell your husband, but it's not just going to go away if you don't. I don't think there is an easy answer to this, but I hope the counselling can help you find the best way to handle it.

I know this is very late and that everything may have come to a head already. You will never end this. If you can lie to your DH (openly, or by omission) and refuse to take the steps necessary to end it for good ( never seeing or being in contact at all with him again) you don't really want to end this. You don't deserve a loving relationship. It will all come out. You will destroy your family. Trust is the foundation for relationships, trust is the truth, always, no matter how hard it is. You want your cake and to eat it. You know this. I know this. I found out about my wife the hard way. An affair is one thing and is forgivable, being taken for a fool and lied to is something no man will take.

One more thing. It's like trying to do being an alcoholic by working in a bar, or trying to stop smoking by carrying a box of cigarettes in your hand. One bad day and you're right back there.

Unbelievable, no mistake here, just a prolonged and planned affair to lie and deceive two innocent partners, that's probably whey you are both getting off on it, it's so bad but yet so good, some folk like yourself just care more for their own self pleasure than actually having a conscience about what they are doing and yes everyone at work will know, it will just be a matter of time before your respective partners find out as there is no way you are going to stop this, you are just kidding yourself on.

Love, trust, you don't have either of those things with either your husband or your ex, it's just pure unadulterated lust and sex, nothing more, I find your post really depressing and the replies shockingly supportive of doing the shittiest thing ever, continually!

WAKE UP. An affair if revealed will DEVASTATE everyone involved. Grow up - stop this self indulgent dreaming and sort out your life marriage. You and the OM are both in a self induced lala land - can't you see that?

Just remember it's only exciting with your lover because it is secret. If you were actually a couple again it would lose all that excitement. You split for probably good reasons.

It's total bollocks that you can't get another job. Your company being the only one in the world doing what it does? If that's true then it's Either it's set for failure or worth millions. If the latter then get a pay out and leave. Set your own company up?

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