getting over an affair when you're still in love

[catandthechristmasttree]

I'm married with two children, but for the past three months I've been having an affair with my ex, whom I also work beside... We were together a long time ago for a couple of years and have always been good friends since we split up. He also has a long term partner and children with her.

We know we can't have a future together, neither of us wants to be responsible for splitting up two families, and it would be catastrophic for work if the truth got out. The last time we were together was last week, we had a big chat and decided that it has to be over. Although we've said it before a few times, I know this time it's real. It has to be over as it's totally messing with our minds and we can't have our other halves finding out - they'd be devastated. I know we were completely wrong to start it in the first place, and I don't know how we got to be in 'that place' again, but the fact is it did happen, we can't change that.

My problem now is I'm so confused. I do love my husband, but I know we have problems (obviously) and at the moment I have no motivation to sort them out, which is just wrong! However, I've realised recently that I also love the OM. I felt myself falling in love with him all over again, but tried to ignore it. That was until last week - we'd both had a bit to drink, nothing had happened at this point, but when we were saying goodbye and gave each other a hug neither of us could break apart. We had a kiss, another 'what are we doing' conversation, and then after another hug he told me 'I do love you, you know' - I asked him to repeat as I didn't think I'd heard him properly, and he said it again. I told him I loved him too.

The next night when we were together was when we said we had to end it. He can't face the repercussions if we were to keep going. He, like me, isn't happy in his relationship, but wants to try to make it work for the kids. I couldn't imagine either of us splitting up with our OHs because the fall out would be horrendous, which is why we've ended it, but I can't get him out of my head. I love him, I want to be with him, but I can't and it's tearing me apart. I know it's all my own doing, and it's entirely my fault I feel like this, but having nobody to talk to is killing me. I can't tell my husband, it's not an option. Both families are friends and we had agreed not to say anything, so I can't spill even if I wanted to. I can't cut him out of my life because we work very closely with each other and that's unlikely to change. I'm completely torn. I love OM but can't be with him without causing a massive amount of heartache, and I'm not willing to do that. I know I need to get my marriage back on track, but I don't know how to at the moment because I miss my OM so much.

Has anyone been in a similar situation before???

Everyone's situation is different. I don't doubt that you are really suffering and I hope you find a way out one way or another.

emeraldisle, thank you

So it doesn't matter that your husband has a right to know. You promised the OM so that's what's important?

I am going to sound awful here but you cheated on your husband but determine d to keep your word to the OM. Because you promised him. What about the promise you made to your husband?

And trust me, people know. Especially in a small company.

Scooby20, i don't understand what we'd achieve by telling them? It would kill them, hurt them in the worst way possible and probably break up the families. We've decided not to carry on with it, nobody knows just now and there's no evidence of anything at all, so it's unlikely people will find out.

Years ago when I was pregnant with my eldest my husband slept with someone else and told me. I wish to God he didn't tell me because it was the worst thing ever. If I could turn back the clock and make it so I never ever found out about what he did, then I would, so that's another reason I don't want to tell him.

I know what you're saying, it does look like I'm putting OMs feelings before my husbands, but I'm not. If DH confronted me and suspected at all I would come clean. But he has no idea, so why put him through that if I don't have to...?

Personally I think of you are married you have a right to know if your partner is cheating. You have a right to know there is a third person in the marriage.

All this 'it would hurt them so much' is bollocks. If them being given upset is such a concern you wouldn't have cheated. You don't want to say anything because you just don't want to own what you did.

That's fine. No one likes owning up to bad behaviour. That's normal. But all this disguising omit as doing it for your dh is bollocks. You are keeping it to yourself for the OM and yourself. You don't want to stop seeing him socially, or leave your job or suffer any consequences.

And personally, if I found out dh had done this and THEN hidden it while I socialised with OW and waved him off to work where he spent the everyday with her. It would be too much. The hiding it, whilst letting me socialise with the person he cheated on me with, would be the thing I couldn't get past. That's humiliating. If he finds out later it will be so much worse.

Just to be clear I don't think you are a bad person. You have done a crap thing but that's not all there is to you. We all make mistakes.

Cat, I agree with you and OM. Spilling the beans may get it off your chest but will unnecessarily hurt a lot of people, when you have the opportunity to deal with the guilt etc yourself and save them the hurt. What's done is done, learn from it and move forward..

Thanks Scooby20, I appreciate your honesty and your advice. Im not normally a bad person but this is a shitty thing I've done, I know that. and you are right, I don't want to own up to it because of all the consequences. it would have terrible effects for so many people, and I don't want that. that probably makes me cowardly and selfish, I know that, but that's where I am at the moment....

Hurley that's kinda what we're thinking.

As far as we know, nobody has a clue at the moment. We are hurting but we deserve to be hurting, if we can keep that hurt to just us then I think we should. if at any point it looks like either of our partners suspect anything we'll have to reassess the situation

No sorry can't imagine your job is so unique that neither of you can possibly get a job elsewhere. It's an excuse. You'll end up cheating with him again. You're not interested in making any changes to reduce the risk of that.

As for 'it would hurt so many people if they knew' yes but you should have thought of that when you were flirting with each other. This did not occur in a vacuum or 'by accident' you made a choice. Now choose to do the right thing which is to have nothing more to do with each other.

Cheating is shitty and you know that yourself because your husband slept with someone else when you were pregnant. The physical stuff isn't the worst of it either - it's the lies and betrayal. So you do need to stop this relationship at least until you have sorted things out with your husband.

But you do know the addiction will be hard to break? It's hard in normal circumstances but will prove nigh on impossible if you work together. To focus your determination to stop perhaps think about how you would you feel if your children found out you had cheated on their father either now or at some point in the future. Grim eh?

Having said that, I think your marriage is over anyway. And keeping a family together for the sake of the children will only take you so far. I know you're not thinking clearly right now as the affair will be impacting your reason but if you really love this other guy then end your marriage and be with him.

As an aside, as a mother of three who works full time myself, I often wonder how on earth cheaters find the time or energy to have an affair?! There are not enough hours in the day as it is and if I do have a spare five minutes I'd rather fall asleep in front of the TV than be engaging in secret trysts. Perhaps I'm just old. 😁😁😁

Actually your husband does deserve to know as does the OM's wife. They should be given the choice whether to stay married to a cheater.

You need to stop working with him

My but people are very judgemental on here.
Relationships aren't always straightforward, people do have affairs, life is messy, we all make mistakes that we can regret. I know I've made a few.
The OP had an affair and feels she's in love with the OM. It wouldn't be the first or the last time this kind of thing has happened.
How does that conflate with the OP being self indulgent or for that matter not being a loving responsible mother.
And the sneery comment about 'pay more attention to your children and husband'. We don't know the ins and outs of the relationship with the husband. We don't know that the OP doesn't pay attention to her children.
Get off your moralistic soap boxes people.
So OP, you've got yourself into a mess and it sounds like you're caught between a rock and a hard place. I wonder whether the 'love' you profess to feel for this man is actually something that you're lacking feeling in your own life situation. Something is 'missing' for you in the relationship with your husband. But it seems as though you've made a decision to not break the family up and have broken off the affair. Now you're feeling with the emotional aftermath which is bound to feel intense at the moment as it's so recent.
Affairs can be tied up with all sorts of intensity and excitement; longing, yearning, missing. It makes you feel the highs and lows that maybe contrast to your 'normal' life.

If your relationship with your husband really needs to be worked upon then could you not do couples counselling? At least you will know that you are giving it your all and making every effort.
Or go to therapy yourself where you'll have a safe and confidential space to talk about your feelings. You might find that the affair was just a symptom of some deeper issues within you.

I don't see how in the long run you can continue in your job with this person or indeed keep the whole thing secret. Things have a way of coming out anyway. But you need to do is best for you.
Good luck and you don't need to keep defending the choices you have made which you are clearly paying for now.

As long as you continue working together, there's a high likelihood of the affair starting up again. It's just a matter of time.

Are you saying your field of work is so rare, that no other company does what your employer does? Is it a very highly skilled job?

My point is that the temptation is there on a daily basis.

You have your cocaine right there.

This isn't the last of it and I reckon you know that.

Think carefully.

Do you really want to be married to,your husband or are you staying out of duty/obligation?

Thanks for all the responses, I really do appreciate them.

The work thing is really tricky. I don't want to go into to it in detail because I don't want to risk 'outing' myself (sorry that sounds cryptic!), but not working together isn't an option. Telling our spouses, we have agreed, also isn't an option at the moment.

We have made the decision to stop and I know we both feel that this has to happen, despite our feelings for one another. It's so hard at the moment because emotions are raw. I think once we get back into a normal working pattern we'll be better. I hope so anyway

Keptonraining, honestly I don't know. I think deadsouls suggestion of counselling is something I need to look into. I'd like to go on my own first though as I really need to be able to talk openly and sort out my own head before being able to speak properly to my husband

Do you really think that your husband will never find out?

Love is what is left after you have had the kids screaming and cleared up poo and done the dishes and lived through money problems.
Is is not a work shag when you have no responsibilities.
This isn't tv nor a film and you are not star crossed lovers. In 50 years you will both likely be dead. How do you want your kids to remember you?

faffalotty, if we're ending it now and there's no actual evidence of it then I don't see how he'd find out. neither of us have said anything to anyone, and we'll keep it that way, so I'm hoping he won't ever find out.

Kennington I'm well aware this isn't a romantic novel or movie, if it were it wouldn't end like this and wouldn't feel like this...

not working together isn't an option

It is an option. Even if what you do is highly specialised, you could quit your job and look for a complete career change. Are you telling us that there are no alternative jobs at all in your area, in any field?

What you are really saying is that you prioritise your job over and above having a clean break from this man. Given that this man is a massive risk to the happiness and wellbeing of your husband and children, you are therefore prioritising your job over them. Wouldn't it be better to have any other job on the planet as long as it allowed you to put your family first?

Sorry to be harsh, I just think you are looking for excuses to stay close to OM that you can justify to yourself/each other.

I second the advice to seek solo counselling, you are carrying a huge burden keeping a secret and having feelings for someone other than your husband.

I would explore the whole thing in counselling.

it's NOT an option. I won't go into why, but it just isn't! it's not a highly specialised field, I never said it was, but it is a very unique company, there's not another like it that I know of, and everyone knows how happy I am in work just now.

It's honestly not a way to stay close to him, but if I gave it up right now there would be all sorts of questions and everything would come out.

Maybe that means I'm putting work ahead of my family, and maybe I'm the worst, most selfish person on the planet for that, but giving up work for me is not an option at the moment.

Dorinda I'm going to look into counselling, think it's something I need to do. I need to be able to speak truthfully and without judgement about the whole thing.

I'm going to look into it tonight

I had an affair and we were both married (him with kids) we both loved each other but didn't want to wreck everyone else's lives.

However, we couldn't keep apart and ended up leaving our husband and wife and being together.

It was hard at the start but 9 years on we are still together and happy.