getting over an affair when you're still in love

[catandthechristmasttree]

I'm married with two children, but for the past three months I've been having an affair with my ex, whom I also work beside... We were together a long time ago for a couple of years and have always been good friends since we split up. He also has a long term partner and children with her.

We know we can't have a future together, neither of us wants to be responsible for splitting up two families, and it would be catastrophic for work if the truth got out. The last time we were together was last week, we had a big chat and decided that it has to be over. Although we've said it before a few times, I know this time it's real. It has to be over as it's totally messing with our minds and we can't have our other halves finding out - they'd be devastated. I know we were completely wrong to start it in the first place, and I don't know how we got to be in 'that place' again, but the fact is it did happen, we can't change that.

My problem now is I'm so confused. I do love my husband, but I know we have problems (obviously) and at the moment I have no motivation to sort them out, which is just wrong! However, I've realised recently that I also love the OM. I felt myself falling in love with him all over again, but tried to ignore it. That was until last week - we'd both had a bit to drink, nothing had happened at this point, but when we were saying goodbye and gave each other a hug neither of us could break apart. We had a kiss, another 'what are we doing' conversation, and then after another hug he told me 'I do love you, you know' - I asked him to repeat as I didn't think I'd heard him properly, and he said it again. I told him I loved him too.

The next night when we were together was when we said we had to end it. He can't face the repercussions if we were to keep going. He, like me, isn't happy in his relationship, but wants to try to make it work for the kids. I couldn't imagine either of us splitting up with our OHs because the fall out would be horrendous, which is why we've ended it, but I can't get him out of my head. I love him, I want to be with him, but I can't and it's tearing me apart. I know it's all my own doing, and it's entirely my fault I feel like this, but having nobody to talk to is killing me. I can't tell my husband, it's not an option. Both families are friends and we had agreed not to say anything, so I can't spill even if I wanted to. I can't cut him out of my life because we work very closely with each other and that's unlikely to change. I'm completely torn. I love OM but can't be with him without causing a massive amount of heartache, and I'm not willing to do that. I know I need to get my marriage back on track, but I don't know how to at the moment because I miss my OM so much.

Has anyone been in a similar situation before???

sugarpeach I just don't think I could leave dh and know he would leave his relationship either. I know he's not happy but equally I know he won't leave her as he couldn't leave the kids

it is a very unique company, there's not another like it that I know of, and everyone knows how happy I am in work just now.

I think you will find yourself very unhappy should the affair be revived and your OHs find out, which is only a matter of time if you continue to work together. Then you will also very quickly find your professional reputation has been trashed as well as your family. You can't be really happy in work and get over this man, you no longer have that luxury. Frankly it sounds like you're making excuses so you don't have to take the very difficult step of cutting him out of your life in order to move on. Sorry bbz, but that, at the very least, is what's got to happen if you really want to salvage your marriage. You wouldn't trust an alcoholic to work in a bar, would you?

OK, so you don't want to/aren't willing to give up your job because you love it, however it is an option. It's just not an option that appeals to you.

In my experience of people who have affairs, not being able to own your actions is a common theme. If your decision is to remain working in close proximity with this man, then you ought to at least own that decision. Don't pretend that it's out of your hands or not a choice that you are making.

The odds of this affair continuing at some point are just huge if you stay in your current job. There's really no getting around that.

Again, I'm not trying to be nasty, just truthful with you.

I would strongly recommend reading "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass. It's so insightful about affairs and the psychology of them from the perspective of all the involved parties. Honestly, read the book, then sort your head out as to what you want to do.

You can't go into counselling with him without telling him.

You can have your own. But not together. What's the point if you aren't going to be honest.

Sorry Scooby I meant I'd go into counselling on my own, I will tell him about it though. He's not a counselling sort of person at all, so would hate it, but I NEED to talk, so I'm hoping that by me going I'll be able to clear my head a bit and we can then hopefully work through some things together...

FOB I'll definitely look at that book, thank you for the suggestion.

And you're right folks, I could leave my workplace, but if I did the company would fold as I own part of it. If it comes back to bite me on the arse then I'll have to deal with it all then, but I feel the affair is now completely over. there's been too much hurt now to risk going back again.

OP you've had a bit of a hard time here, I don't think life is so black and white as many would like to think.

People fall in and out of love all the time, and I do think sometimes these things can happen without you realising properly. But any affair happens because there is something lacking in the primary relationship, you have to figure out what that is- probably with counselling- and find a way to address what's lacking in your own marriage as an "insurance" against this happening again.

If you are going to be working with this guy then you really are going to have to do a LOT of planning and legwork to get your strong suit on and resist whatever attracts you to him otherwise it will only be a matter of time before it starts again.

"it's NOT an option. I won't go into why, but it just isn't! it's not a highly specialised field, I never said it was, but it is a very unique company, there's not another like it that I know of, and everyone knows how happy I am in work just now."

I was going to say so it's about YOUR happiness then not about it not being an option.

Then you drip in you partly own the company.

Is the om also a partner? If not he can leave.

Frankly the fact you also own part of the company and had an affair with someone who works there/partly owns? is unbelievably selfish to the others who work there too.

I have every sympathy with you. It is possible to end an affair. It seems impossible to end it, and yet to leave your husband and take your children with you away from their father also impossible.
I think to carry on working with your lover and end your affair is a non starter. So if you choose to end it one of you will have to leave their job.
Try and imagine the future in 30 years, your children married with children, your grandchildren. I also believe that once we have children we have a duty and responsibility for them. If one is in a marriage and no cruelty or incompatibility is involved, you should probably stay.
The only thing with that is you spend the next 30 years thinking about your lover and how it might have been, and how much happier you might have been.
Your move.

I don't want to go in to the ins and outs of the company, I've said that many times on here.

I am not prepared to leave work, I've said this many times too.

If that makes me selfish and self centred then sobeit , it won't change.

I will work at my marriage and I will get counselling, but I won't leave the workplace. if that makes it harder for me to get over my feelings for the OM then it's me who'll have to deal with it.

It hasn't affected anyone else at the moment. I can safely say 100% that nobody at work knows a thing. I know you all don't believe me when I say that, and you'll be thinking I can't honestly know that, but in my opinion these people know nothing.

everstrong, thank you for your words. you're totally right I will have to plan the hell out of everything to ensure temptation is NEVER in our way again, and I will do this

My DH was absolutely convinced no-one knew of his affair with a colleague.

His closest colleagues did, of course.

Don't be so naiive. Your behaviour will have changed even without you realising it.

my closest work colleague has been him. the others aren't always with us. they're in the background most of the time and this past month or so we've been out of the office working (actually working, it wasn't engineered that way) so we've not really been around others while it was going on. we never ever did anything at work

You asked for advice on how to get your marriage back on track. The overwhelming majority of posters have said that you need to cut contact with OM. You are not prepared to do this and are becoming increasingly snappy at the suggestion. I'm not really sure what you want us to say? You have made it clear that your job comes first. If you aren't prepared to prioritise your family then to be honest I don't think your marriage stands a chance. That's my honest opinion.

What advice are you hoping for? Genuine question.

honestly bluebird, I don't know.

I'm currently searching for a counsellor in the local area and I'll take it from there.

apologies for becoming snappy, but I've said countless times that leaving my work isn't a viable option for me. it would lead to way too many questions and everything would come out, which is not what I want to happen. repeatedly hearing I need to leave my work isn't helpful because it's not something I'm going to do.

it's an unusual situation workwise, and I can't really explain how without giving too much information when I would rather remain anonymous. sorry if that's be being awkward, it's not meant to be.

I think the reason people keep mentioning it (certainly the reason I mentioned it) is because it's important that you realise it is your choice to be in contact with the OM and not something that's out of your hands. To say "it's not an option" feeds into the fairytale/star-crossed lovers aspect of an affair whereby the affair partners feel that they are helpless to their emotions and that their relationship is meant to be etc. Basically, overly romanticising things and making them seem more exciting than they really are. Clearly that's not good if you're serious about fixing your marriage and forgetting about OM.

I really hope that you are able to find a counsellor who can help you and that things work out. Not only for your sake but also for your DH and children. Good luck.

thank you

If you can't change jobs, can you go on holiday? Take a short break alone. I think you do love your husband, you are just enjoying the passion that comes with someone new (sort of new!). I get moments where I crave that passion, I'm sure most do. You even said yourself you and the ex could never work so give up even thinking about it.

Firstly, avoid alcohol with either man, avoid being alone with the ex at work, any moments you could be tempted. Secondly, You need to focus on your husband and what makes him so great. I think if he found out and left you, you would regret it so so much, think about that? Think about him having an affair? He probably is craving sex with someone new too but not acting on it. Good luck!! Xxx

thank you frankelly, that's all sound advice.

can't go on a holiday, but not back at work till the second week in January, so keeping out of his way until then

Colleagues will likely know because of

Body language changes
Pheromone changes

They may not even be able to pinpoint HOW they know they just do.

My ex's colleagues all knew - he was adamant they hadn't known. Even the boss that was only there occasionally noticed.

Also I get to a point why you can't leave, but I also said he (om) could leave. If not, I would not be at all surprised if this affair is resumed.

I think if you were genuinely happy with your husband you wouldn't even be looking at another man. I had an affair - the only time I've ever cheated - and at the time it blew my mind, but it was really just an escape route. I was prepared to be caught. In the end I wasn't, but it gave me the strength to leave an unhappy marriage. I'm now in a relationship (not with affair man) and wouldn't even think to look at anyone else.

Sending you hugs OP. Ignore the haters and preachers on here who obviously live a perfect life but the best thing for your mental health is to end this and sort your marriage out - ending it if necessary. X

Who has said they are perfect? I can see anyone that has.

Op a few weeks ago I guessed a friend at work was having an affair with another colleague. Just by seeing them together. I couldn't put my finger on why. I spoke to her as I knew if I noticed other people had. I was right. Nothing has happened during work time between them. But yiu could just tell.

I know you think no one knows. But if they do, is it likely to get back to either your dh or oms wife?

I have guessed correctly in 3 separate companies that secret affairs are going on.
I have been hurt by my XH having an affair no edvience but I just knew and then found out and he left.
Work should give you access to a council service as part of HR package they don't need to know why.
You want to save your marriage. You have ended it withe the OM, your asking for help and advise that's a good place to start. Stay strong you will be okay

catandthechristmastree

You were asked by a previous poster what you were wanting when you posted on here.

Can I suggest that maybe what you were needing was an anonymous place in which to clarify and put down in writing the feelings and situation that you find yourself in.

You seem certain about a few things at this point and this points to your strength. I believe you know what you must do and the way in which you are going to move forward from here. You're searching for counselling to explore this experience and your feelings.

I think you'll be okay OP. Though it won't be easy, not impossible, but not easy to work with OM.

Sometimes the way I like to approach something overwhelming is to take the bit I can deal with in that day and then 'park' the rest.
You know what you're doing for the time being and that's enough. Honestly OP, you're not a bad, selfish person for what you did. You're a human being. It might be different if you didn't recognise or have any awareness of the consequences to yourself and others. But I think you are self-aware.
I think you'd find in the secret lives of marriages that this kind of thing is much more common than we might think. Whether it's an emotional affair, sexual affair, fantasies, porn addiction or whatever.

Good luck again.

I think this is a super interesting thread.
Of course lots of affairs happen but I am always amazed that they are mistaken for love when it is just sex and a bit of mildly interesting conversation in an exciting situation.
It is fun but it isn't love! If it was you would be dealing with them at their worst not just having a few deep and meaningful chats in a 3 star hotel.
The op has obviously thought through consequences and isn't selfish enough to upset her children. This sort of thing doesn't get forgotten about ever.