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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Got through xmas, thought things might begin ok in new year but we're home now.

92 replies

Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 16:03

He's gone out- don't know where.
I really didn't want to divorce as we have 3 year old dd. I let him sleep/ rest until
Lunch and thought he might be nice to me, maybe even get a nap later but he's left and I dont know where after finger waving and ranting at me because I dared to ask him to not do something that makes London fe harder for me. I ended up shouting and swearing too which I'm really not happy about but I try so hard and he's so unfair to me. I was called an fucking bitch and a cunt ( not new) Of course he was perfect over xmas and v generous etc. I can't talk to anyone. Definitely won't get a rest now and also have the anxiety of not knowing what he's doing. He has week off work. Sad

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 20:29

Thanks ferris I do feel that way too about divorce. I too have been so unhappy but it's not that he doesn't care it's just that he only cares about his own pain, the prospect of him seeing less of his child and that it's all my fault because I'm a bad wife and a horrible person. I don't want to go and stay with elderly parents leaving f him in our house until it sells ( it will take ages and I am the one who does everything to maintain it).i am really scared. I am really scared of it being my fault.

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AnyFucker · 28/12/2016 20:31

He is abusive

How would he react if you went off grid and left him to care alone for his own dc ?

I expect you would be the worst mother in the world. Well, he is a shit father.

ferriswheel · 28/12/2016 20:48

I don't understand why you need to leave the house.

You need to see a solicitors.

I felt that if I stayed I would die inside. That would have been worse for my children.

Can you imagine knowing your child was being treated the way you are?

The subtle abuse as described by a pp has played a large part in my experience. Then the raging outbursts, the controlling expectations, the crazy double standards, the ferocious gaslighting.

Life a year from now if you do it?
Life a year from now if you don't?

Feel free to pm me.

Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 21:08

He won't leave the house as we've got to that point before- he doesn't trust me and also he can't afford to when we still have mortgage. I have seen a solicitor about 6 months ago after he told me to 'go to my fucking lawyer' although when the huge bill arrived the whole thing had been in his words due to a lack of judgment on my part. Shock

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 21:19

Ferris that must have been really hard with 3 tiny ones. Can I ask how you think I face show they are picking up on a bad marriage? It's so hard to tell what with general tantrums etc?

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 21:20

Sorry infants show not I face

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ferriswheel · 28/12/2016 22:08

Your children know everything. In that kind of weird ghostie kind of subliminal sixth sense way.

I've read parts of Lundy Bancroft. He is an expert in emotional/mental abuse. One of the parts that struck me as very important was that my h took away my right to be angry. In turn this meant that with everyone else, especially my boys, I was so very short tempered. My h still lives here. Hopefully gone soon but I am so empowered because of the solicitors letters that have been sent.

Who do you like hanging out with more? Happy You? Or, the You that you are now? Same for your kids.

Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 22:18

Yes you're right - happy me. I think it's my mother I get angry with.

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 22:19

How do you tolerate him? Is he behaving decently or torturing you?

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 22:21

Does he guilt trip you about the kids? I also feel sorry for my h because he has no family or friends here really as they are abroad. He's a v lonely person as am I.

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 22:23

I am definitely not allowed to be angry with anyone.

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ferriswheel · 28/12/2016 22:30

Omg. You sound like me a week ago. I also felt so sad and angry for my h. He has a terrible home background and not really any decent contact with his own family. My family are amazing and I was so sad that he sabotaged that for himself.

But he did. Despite my very clever and kind and thoughtful tip toeing around EVERYTHING to rescue his bastard nasty selfish rude behaviour.

He chose it.

Quietly start piecing the jigsaw of leaving him together. How much can you involve your parents in helping/supporting you?

ferriswheel · 28/12/2016 22:31

Yes about being lonely. My h is rude to visitors.

Where do you live? I'm in Scotland.

Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 22:58

In SE England. I'm done ways I wish he was ruder to visitors - he's lovely to everyone else but apparently they are nice people and I'm not. I'd like to pm you ferris- if I can work out how Hmm

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 22:59

In some ways I meant -

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ferriswheel · 28/12/2016 23:14

I think you click on those dots on the right of each thread posting. I have to sleep now but I'd love to help you if I can.

Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 23:19

FlowersStar

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