Got through xmas, thought things might begin ok in new year but we're home now.

[Ramonaramona73]

He's gone out- don't know where.
I really didn't want to divorce as we have 3 year old dd. I let him sleep/ rest until
Lunch and thought he might be nice to me, maybe even get a nap later but he's left and I dont know where after finger waving and ranting at me because I dared to ask him to not do something that makes London fe harder for me. I ended up shouting and swearing too which I'm really not happy about but I try so hard and he's so unfair to me. I was called an fucking bitch and a cunt ( not new) Of course he was perfect over xmas and v generous etc. I can't talk to anyone. Definitely won't get a rest now and also have the anxiety of not knowing what he's doing. He has week off work.

A lecture on your behaviour? He's not your dad

Do you have a life outside of home, hobbies, interests?

I agree, some sort of therapy to work out why you have these issues. This is very sad to read.

No I don't have any hobbies as I have no time to
Myself. He won't go to Counselling.

Can I ask those of you that have left these kind of situations - did you feel that your parents and others you loved really wanted you to make things work even though they said you shouldn't put up with bad behavior ? I feel v responsible for everyone and have v low self esteem so I am terrified because I know I will always have self doubt - that it was my fault. That I messed up. Last time we argued like this he told me I was 'destroying lives' and that it was all my fault.

Your low self esteem is shining through, it's very sad to see :(

YOU need counselling, on your own.

My family and his family were all unsupportive when I left. I had nowhere to go and couldn't rely on any of them for support at the time. During the court process a lot of his behaviour came out and they did then understand. But even if they hadn't it was worth it. It's scary, it's hard work but it's a lot less scary and hard work than being in a bad relationship :)

Of course he told you that! Because you are likely to believe him and so stop whatever it was that you were doing. That feeling of responsibility is a loving characteristic in you that he is exploiting for his own benefit!

YOU need counselling, as an individual, for YOURSELF, not the relationship.

I'm in Counselling. It's the only break
I get. I rush there and back and pay for the nanny for 4 hours. They don't tell you what to
Do. It's all
So confusing.

I know how lucky I am to have that opportunity.

You asked about family wanting you to make it work. I can only speak as a family member of someone who was in your situation. My sister put up with a man like yours for years because she thought we wanted her to make it work, she wanted to make it work for the kids, etc, the same things you're saying. We weren't fooled by him, even though he was always delightful at family gatherings, Xmas was always perfect, anniversaries had extravagant gifts. We told her she shouldn't put up with the bad behaviour because we didn't want her to put up with the bad behaviour! When she finally left him she had so much support that she hadn't expected. The family helped her get a house of her own (rented as she can't get a mortgage on her own, but absolutely lovely), we helped her decorate (the rent was reduced if she decorated herself), we babysat the kids when she needed time to herself, we helped her buy furniture because her ex kept everything he'd paid for (including the kids beds).

I hope you leave him, he sounds horrible. I really think you will be happier without him. And I think you will find that your family and friends are relieved you manage to get out, rather than disappointed you didn't manage to make it work. You can't make it work on your own, he has to be willing to meet you half way and he doesn't sound willing to make any changes at all.

Good luck

Oh, Ramona!

Of course they don't tell you what to do. They are there to help you see that for yourself. They can't tell you what that should be!

We can And most of us will tell you to make a break, to find your own independence.

Many here will even write you a list of steps to take, once you have thought it through and are sure you are ready to make a break for it.

There is a lot of support here and in real life.

Once you are ready to hear it many posters will shout it at you, repeatedly. They know how hard it is to make a break, to leave what you now for some unknown possible life. They know your fears, your doubts, they have worked through them, some more often or more completely than others. They understand due to their own experiences.

Just keep talking, keep thinking...

Actually OP some counsellors are more of the listening type (they listen you talk, no advice etc).

Some who work on the basis of cognitive behavioural therapy help you change your patterns of thinking and also help you see how you are as a person, your self worth etc.

So I'd change the therapist if that's not working for you.

Thanks so much awesome dragon and our Blanche.... I'm worried that if we divorce he'll make efforts to be overly generous to make me look bad- he'd never deny our dd anything and would make a show of being the good guy. This means I feel constantly doubted and in doubt.

I also feel v isolated with hardly any family and those I do have can't offer practical support like babysitting.

Ramona Yes, they did. My mother said that I already had one failed relationship behind me and I couldn't afford another. I never questioned why, really. But it was because she felt there was shame attached to being separated.

My children didn't want us to separate but, 4 years on, they are both far, far happier.

I didn't really give anyone else chance to offer an opinion. No one else is living your life. It's not really up to them, is it?

Just to clarify, I have no family. I have one sibling who lives an hour away and I see around 4 times a year.

I didn't have any friends either. Not real ones. I knew a few people, but that was all.

So there was no one to offer any kind of practical or emotional support and it was still better than staying together.

I got so much support on here at the time, that it encouraged me to reach out in real life to parents at the school gates, a neighbour, the office staff at my daughter's school...

I haven't ever regretted it once. Not even for a second. Even when it's been hard. I've never once thought, "what have I done..?" I've only ever thought, "why did I leave it so long?"

Also, it doesn't matter if he is over generous. They really do see through that pretty quickly.

And so what? As long as she is happy and provided for, does it matter if she knows it's his fault or he is the reason why you split up?

He just came in. Said 'hello darling dd' ignored me completely as I picked food off the floor.

So what are you going to do about it?

I mean you can tell us every shitty thing he says and does, and we can, "Oh that's awful, Ramona " for the next 10 years...

Or you can take control.

Ignoring me IS bad isn't it?

Sorry I just lack confidence. I don't mean to be a broken record.

I don't want to make you feel worse!

I just want you to feel the anger that will spur you on to make the change rather than the self pity that keeps you where you are.

Besides I've had enough of that from people I know IRL over the last 72 hours!

It's not self pity I'm just trying to see the wood for the trees. Seriously is ignoring my presence when he got in after 3 hours with no word out of order?

I was you OP. 2 Years ago on 4 Jan I phoned a solicitor. Life is so much better now. I'm poorer and tireder (parenting on my own with no support) but I don't have someone criticising me, calling me names and ignoring me (and worse).Make a change this year.

It took me a while to realise that in healthy relationships this kind of stuff doesn't happen.

I know people like me are v frustrating in rl, the thing is I have to be so sure as there are other people to think about and i can't do anything overnight. He's got the tv on now. I'm shattered so going to bed as soon as I put dd down.