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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Got through xmas, thought things might begin ok in new year but we're home now.

92 replies

Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 16:03

He's gone out- don't know where.
I really didn't want to divorce as we have 3 year old dd. I let him sleep/ rest until
Lunch and thought he might be nice to me, maybe even get a nap later but he's left and I dont know where after finger waving and ranting at me because I dared to ask him to not do something that makes London fe harder for me. I ended up shouting and swearing too which I'm really not happy about but I try so hard and he's so unfair to me. I was called an fucking bitch and a cunt ( not new) Of course he was perfect over xmas and v generous etc. I can't talk to anyone. Definitely won't get a rest now and also have the anxiety of not knowing what he's doing. He has week off work. Sad

OP posts:
JudithTaverner · 27/12/2016 19:12

YES IT IS ramona

Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 19:14

He doesn't really criticize ME Judith so much as my expectations, my reactions, how I ask things of him, how much I verbalise my thoughts, repeat them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 19:15

Thsbks Judith.

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 19:15

Thanks

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 19:16

He claims he never spends time with dd but that tv is always on or he's at the computer.

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GhostOfChristmasYetToCome · 27/12/2016 19:19

Argh, no! Not saying you're self pitying either! God, I'm really making a mess of this! Grin

What I meant was, I know a couple of people who, over the past few days, have been texting me similar stuff about their partners (men and women). But none of them want to do anything about it. Not really. They all just want to moan and get a bit of sympathy. But do you know what? I've been listening to the same complaints for the past 3 years. And nothing has changed.

I don't want you to be like that.

I want you to have an awesome life!

Creatureofthenight · 27/12/2016 19:20

If he is criticising your thoughts, actions and reactions, he is criticising you.

forwhom · 27/12/2016 19:23

The question is do you want to leave?

Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 19:33

I don't want to leave because although we joint own the house I put down the deposit and it's going to take time to sell as we have done issues with it to resolve first. Also I have my things here and my mum friends and my playgroups. He has s v good job but us benevolent his to family and would not be able to afford to move out and continue to pay mortgage on our house and I can't do I alone. I don't want to move in with elderly parents while he sits in our house. Of course what I want is a loving home and marriage.

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 19:34

Benevolent to my in laws.

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 27/12/2016 19:39

Ghost of Christmas- I didn't take it badly- I appreciated your posts.

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 16:52

Now he's accusing me of emotions abuse and having labile moods... he's gone out again 'to avoid conflict' Confused

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 16:52

Emotional abuse...

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ravenmum · 28/12/2016 17:59

By the end of my relationship I was just screaming at my ex in frustration and rage, and felt like the crap wife he was accusing me of being.

Since then I 've been with someone who makes me feel good about myself. It is wonderful. Turns out I am not a nasty witch after all.

Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 18:12

Thanks raven mum. Apparently I'm not a nice person. He keeps going out leaving me with my D.C. So he can avoid conflict ( there is none I'm too exhausted and feel wobbly) and so he can relax.

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 18:14

If I hear a man describing his wife as amazing or wonderful on the radio it seems really strange to me... I can be hot, attractive, a good mum and home maker but not a nice person, not a good wife.

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 19:45

Is it ok as the dad of a 3 year old to just stay out for hours and sending a 'don't wait up for me' text?

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 19:47

I'm just v confused about what's ok anymore and I've been alone all afternoon with my D.C. And now I've got the whole night of wondering when he'll come in.

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AnyFucker · 28/12/2016 19:52

Where is he going when he goes "out" ?

ravenmum · 28/12/2016 19:53

It doesn't matter what other people think is OK or not. This is your life.

RedastheRose · 28/12/2016 20:02

Read up about narcissistic tendencies and behaviour, gaslighting, etc. You may find it useful. Your DH sounds like he may have someone else he is spending time with whilst you are worrying about where he is! He picks fights to make an excuse to leave you alone for a few hours at a time.

TheSilveryPussycat · 28/12/2016 20:05

There is "subtle" abuse, which damages over the years and is often over issues which, individually, seem trivial. And then there is the more overt abuse by selfishness, which is accepted because the abuser takes for granted that he can act that way, and because of the state induced by "subtle" abuse.

I am speaking here about emotional abuse (and these are just random musings, to encourage you to continue to see what he is doing), thankfully I have no direct experience of physical abuse.

Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 20:14

He's back now. No idea where. He doesn't usually go out at all just sits in front of the tv/laptop. I don't think he's up to anything bad- sitting in pub or cafe but he is torturing me in terms of I am left with D.C. And I am anxious about his return, I am also lonely .

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Original poster
Ramonaramona73 · 28/12/2016 20:20

I don't think there's anyone else he only goes out if he has to and has v little free time. What I really hate is the way he revels in being the loving playful dad in front of me whilst treating me like I don't exist. Ever since we had our daughter he'd done that to punish me.

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ferriswheel · 28/12/2016 20:21

Your story sounds very familiar to my own. I have a 1, 2 and 4 year old. I have now been separated for four months. It is not easy, and my preferred choice will always be that we could have been a happy and united family. I am so disappointed and very angry that my h is an ass and that means I have to be a divorcee. I also hate that my children will come from a broken home. But, rather that than an abusive home.

As someone on a thread here said, something like, 'I knew my relationship was over when I realised I'd spent two years telling him telling him how unhappy I was and that he didn't care.'

What do you want your children to expect for their future?
What experience do you want to give your children of you?

I already feel so much better and am really starting to seeing my h for what he is. Pitiful.

Please do it.

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