Please help. .was this rape?

[SuperGlue68]

Have been with my fiancé nearly 8 yrs. Have 2 DCs together.
Last night I went to bed about 11pm leaving him downstairs drinking on his own. He told me today he stayed up til 4am and drank nearly a litre of vodka.
When he came to bed early hours of this morning I was awoken by him penetrating me with his fingers. I told him no I don't want to I'm too tired but he continued. He performed oral sex on me (this is the grey area for me) I had an orgasm. Then he started to have intercourse with me. I didnt say no because I was scared ofhis reaction so I went along with it even though I didn't want to. Afterwards he cuddled me and said he loved me and was sorry for everything (he has treated me like crap recently)
I mentioned to him this evening I dont like it when he is forceful and demanding like that, he called me a weird person and said if he had raped me then why didnt I call the police.
I don't know what to think.

I was starting to think MN was never going to delete some of these goady rape-apologist fuckers.

I'm sorry you were assaulted and raped OP. Do you have a local rape crisis service that you could talk things through with and consider your options?

I'm new to this site; been lurking for a while and this is the first time I've felt overwhelmingly compelled to post. The whole story is disturbing and I'm so sorry you had to go through this op; but just the fact that he began penetrating you when you were ASLEEP is enough to know this isn't a man you should be marrying. The fact he brushed off your concerns and called you weird for feeling violated is another major red flag. Any decent person would feel utterly devastated to know they had made their partner feel like that.. but then any decent person wouldn't commit sexual abuse in the first place. If I woke up to find someone sexually touching me in any way, they wouldn't be in a position to touch me ever again (although I realise that's much easier said than done when you've a long history together and all sorts of complicated emotions will be involved). And the fact that you were scared to say no to intercourse breaks my heart. No one should feel they have to go along with doing things they don't want to out of fear. That's rape; simple as. This is abuse and you don't deserve this; please get help and consider your options.

Yes. Similar happened to me. It is rape. Takes quite a long time to get your head around though. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I just don't know where to go from here. I should have just persisted in saying NO shouldn't I :( Never thought this would happen to me. Still trying to process what happened in my own head. I just feel...used

Sorry for delay in replying, I do so appreciate all of your responses. Lots of family things going on with xmas. Thankyou everyone who has taken the time to reply.

Don't blame yourself here. You shouldn't have to be persistent in saying no; your partner shouldn't have started any of this in the first place as you were asleep and certainly should've stopped when you said no. You shouldn't have to go through any of this, especially not at the hands of your partner.

None of this is your fault.

I should have just persisted in saying NO shouldn't I

No, he should have respected it when you did. You didn't make this happen. What was the reaction you feared the day after if you had continued to refuse?

Listen honey, there is a lot more going on than this isn't there? He 'hasn't been nice' to you lately, he drinks a litre of vodka alone in the house (where your kids are) and he is clearly sexually abusive, you're scared of his reaction the next day if you tell him no too forcefully and he's now dismissing your feelings over his sexual abuse of you.
This is an abusive relationship and you need to think about how to leave it. It's awful for you and it's awful for your children to live in this environment.

OP I think Gallovich probably has a point..it doesn't sound like you have been feeling relaxed, at ease or safe to be you in the relationship for a while.

Before the rape, was this a relationship you dream of your daughter/niece/friend's daughter having?

or Gallavich!

Yes it's rape, no 2 ways about it. Get yourself away from him as quickly as possible and report the incident to the police. You cannot trust someone who drinks vodka by the litre.

Do talk to Rape Crisis and the police.
But, even if it would be difficult to prosecute, you should leave him now.
And you could get legal protection from him, regardless.

OP

Olympia is right in making you think about why you did not persist in saying NO - you should not have to. He should have listened the first time and chose not to. You are conditioned to not rock the boat. It's not your fault

He should never have laid a finger on you in your sleep. That was rape. When you said no to oral sex and he carried on anyway, that was rape. I am assuming it was obvious to him by your body language that you weren't just saying you couldn't be bothered but oh ok - if you actually said no, I don't want to, he has no excuse or "reasonable belief in consent" whatsoever.

Gallavich, yes you are right. I love him but I know I deserve better. IRL im a confident, bubbly assertive person, you would never guess this is what I choose to put up with. I guess Im just used to it now.
Ironically hes been saying for ages he is not happy with me. Yet he wont leave me.
AnaMaleka, no I shudder to think of my daughter being with someone like him. He is often verbally abusive often too

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