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Original poster

Please help. .was this rape?

68 replies

SuperGlue68 · 27/12/2016 00:18

Have been with my fiancé nearly 8 yrs. Have 2 DCs together.
Last night I went to bed about 11pm leaving him downstairs drinking on his own. He told me today he stayed up til 4am and drank nearly a litre of vodka.
When he came to bed early hours of this morning I was awoken by him penetrating me with his fingers. I told him no I don't want to I'm too tired but he continued. He performed oral sex on me (this is the grey area for me) I had an orgasm. Then he started to have intercourse with me. I didnt say no because I was scared ofhis reaction so I went along with it even though I didn't want to. Afterwards he cuddled me and said he loved me and was sorry for everything (he has treated me like crap recently)
I mentioned to him this evening I dont like it when he is forceful and demanding like that, he called me a weird person and said if he had raped me then why didnt I call the police.
I don't know what to think.

OP posts:

38cody · 27/12/2016 02:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CremeBrusselsSprouts · 27/12/2016 02:27

Did you miss the part where the OP said 'No, I don't want to, I'm too tired'??

Maybe that isn't clear enough for you?

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 27/12/2016 02:33

38cody

SERIOUSLY. What is wrong with some of you people. She said NO. He should have stopped then! The orgasm is flippin irrelevant, it is a biological not an emotional response and not one people can control when they are being raped. Please for goodness sake, never comment on or give advice to a victim or potential victim EVER again unless you educate yourself on the definition! People like you are the problem!

RebelRogue · 27/12/2016 02:38

*38
*

She said no! That's how he's supposed to know. Your partners says no...you stop simple as.

2.some women will orgasm during rape,even when beaten,or held down at knife point,or passed out,or when petrified,or when their boyfriend does not take no for an Answer. It's a biological response and has nothing to do with wether it was rape or not. 3.she fucking said NO!

WilburIsSomePig · 27/12/2016 10:12

38cody why comment on something that you clearly haven't a fucking clue about?

Do you honestly not know that an orgasm is a biological response? I mean, genuinely not understand this?

People like you really are a big problem.

Heirhelp · 27/12/2016 10:42

Rape and sexual assault are the absent of consent not saying no.

UpTownFuck · 27/12/2016 10:52

I can't believe some of the comments on this thread the OP clearly stated she said no

Notapodling · 27/12/2016 10:54

You say you didn't want to but how was he supposed to know

Because she told him no and that she didn't want to.

CremeBrusselsSprouts · 27/12/2016 10:57

I really hope that's a typo Heirhelp. You can't possibly mean that saying no isn't enough to indicate lack of consent?

Did you come straight from the dark ages, or turn right at the junction with medieval?

timelytess · 27/12/2016 11:00

How was he supposed to know?
Her being asleep when he started should have been a big clue.
Waking her and asking might have clarified things, if he believed her when she said no.
He didn't do that. He went ahead and used her body without her permission.
That's rape.
When she woke and said no, he continued.
That's rape.
She didn't continue to say no because she was scared of his reaction.
That's rape.

Olympiathequeen · 27/12/2016 11:02

Yes it was. It was coercive and wrong. However in his mind you consented. It's not something you will take to the police but it should be a wake up call to you that this relationship and his attitude and treatment of you, is not healthy.

If this occurs again make it absolutely clear with no ambiguity you don't want to have sex. If he persists say this time you will call the police.

In the meantime try to talk to him but I think this is just a sector of a difficult relationship which you need to consider if it has a future.

Reality16 · 27/12/2016 11:03

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kittybiscuits · 27/12/2016 11:04

Oh ffs

CremeBrusselsSprouts · 27/12/2016 11:06

This is really depressing

LobsterQuadrille · 27/12/2016 11:10

I cannot believe some of the replies on here. Of course it was rape. I'm so sorry, OP. But the litre of vodka that preceded this incident implies that this person has more than one issue.

Heirhelp · 27/12/2016 11:11

No that was not what I meant at all.

Of course saying no was rape. But even if she had not said no engaging in sexual activity with someone who is a sleep is assault/rape because a sleeping person cant give consent. Rape is having sex with someone who has not consented

Pernicious · 27/12/2016 11:12

CremeBrusselsSprouts I think Heirhelp means that's just because someone didn't say no, it doesn't mean they consented, which I think is the current guidance with regard to "enthusiastic consent" and "Yes means Yes". So even where OP doesn't say no, because she's "scared of his reaction", that's still a sense of consent.

OP, I hope you manage to stay safe, remove yourself from this man and report to police.

Pernicious · 27/12/2016 11:13

*still absence of consent

Heirhelp · 27/12/2016 11:13

OP what is your plan now?

Olympiathequeen · 27/12/2016 11:26

I think the emphasis on was it or wasn't it rape is disregarding the real issue which is the interaction between her and her husband.

A relationship where the wife is anxious about saying no forcefully and just going along with sex rather than demanding respect, is in serious trouble. The husband has accepted he treated her like crap recently and she says this too.

Rape is such an emotive word. Personally I think if the husband is screaming abuse at her that is just as bad.

CremeBrusselsSprouts · 27/12/2016 11:28

Apologies heirhelp I incorrectly thought you were joining in with the hoard of rape apologists just before your post

WilburIsSomePig · 27/12/2016 13:07

How many times have we said to our partners in the past that we are tired but then continue with sex. It's not a definite no.

Are you serious? No partner I've ever had has woken me up by penetrating me with their fingers then continued when I said no. She said no.

Or are you in the no really means yes campaign. I really fear for my daughter when even other women find this kind of treatment acceptable. It's not and never will be.

timelytess · 27/12/2016 13:19

I don't think it's as simple as just saying yes it was rape. How many times have we said to our partners in the past that we are tired but then continue with sex. It's not a definite no

Any no is a definite no.

I speak as someone with considerable experience of coerced sex, and some of rape, in marriage. Don't make excuses for these men.

pklme · 27/12/2016 13:25

Ah dammit. Here we go again. Why will people not believe when absence of consent is explained to them repeatedly? Thank goodness our youngsters will grow up knowing about enthusiastic consent and knowing that one partner is not entitled to sex whenever they feel the urge.

Please find some counselling/advice to clarify things for you OP, so you can decide what you want to do.

DeepAndCrispAndEvenTheWind · 27/12/2016 13:27

OP, I am sorry you were raped and sexually assaulted (the penetration with fingers without consent)

Do you want to leave?

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