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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

to refuse to spend tomorrow with a silent dp?

88 replies

BeckyAndTina · 26/12/2016 17:21

DP has tomorrow off work too, but he's giving me the silent treatment.

We went to a shop this morning and he accidently knocked something over. I made a joking remark "oh dear, he`s knocked something over" and the assistant said "don´t worry, I´ll sort it out". We get out the shop, and he is really angry and says. "Next time we are in a shop and I knock something over, don't go into mummy mode and say something like that, so that the assistant has to defend me against your comment". I apologised and said I hadn´t meant it seriously. He said: "well next time, just keep your mouth shut.". He has been giving me the silent treatment since then. I realise it could have been taken wrongly and was a bit of a silly thing to say, that's why I apologised.

After lunch, dc was a bored, dp wanted to do his hobby and suggested dc go and listen to a story on a CD. DP had given dc this story as a Christmas present, and yesterday and today would suggest dc should listen to it. DC asked me if I wanted to listen to it with him, so I did. We were listening to it, when DP storms in, and is angry that I am listening to it with DC because he wanted to listen to it with him. We stopped listening, and I apologised I said I didn´t know as he had repeatedly suggested dc repeatedly listen to it over yesterday and today. We then had a row, where dp says I should have known that he wanted to hear it with him. How? How is this my fault? Since then there has been more silent treatment.

aibu to feel that if this continues, I don´t want to spend tomorrow with dp? He can take the dc out or whatever.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 27/12/2016 17:15

"It`s just getting worse and worse with all sorts of accusations about leaving him out of family life, (wtf? he chose to go to work today), being too soft on dc, not being loving towards him etc etc. "
Sounds to me he is trying to drown you with accusations that you will attempt to answer, so that his bad behaviour will get the chance to slip silently below the surface.

The only answer you need to make to these accusations is - DON"T CHANGE THE SUBJECT, IT'S YOUR SHITTY BEHAVIOUR WE ARE TALKING ABOUT HERE.

springydaffs · 27/12/2016 17:36

He's abusive. An abuser.

You may think I've come to that conclusion too quickly but it is very clear this is what he is. There is NEVER an excuse to abuse - not redundancy, stress, illness, bereavement, loss. No excuse.

He's also an addict re work. Again, you may feel this is ott but I assure you it is not. When someone has an addiction, everyone and everything comes second. Addicts are also breathtakingly selfish and incapable of taking responsibility for anything at all. It's always someone else's fault.

Making your lives hell is unacceptable. You're an adult but dc is a child and needs your protection. Never mind not spending tomorrow with him, how about the rest of your, and dc's, life.

springydaffs · 27/12/2016 17:37

And I bet there are many more stories along similar lines to this one.

BeckyAndTina · 27/12/2016 17:59

Yes where that's exactly what has happened. Even though I bought it up in first couple of messages. I 've called him up on a couple of other bits where he has twisted what I said. I am so glad this is all in writing. It's a perfect example of manipulation, to show anyone who needs to see it.
Springy there are more stories like this. I wrote some down, very similar one 7 years ago.
He is a work addict. But then he can't say I'm excluding him from family life. Angry
Of course it's not always bad, but recently there are more bad bits. I 'm also standing up for myself more. I'm not putting up with this shit..going to get some advice and counselling

OP posts:
Jux · 27/12/2016 19:24

An abuser will do whatever is necessary to bend you to his will or whim. Whatever you say, he will come up with an answer that makes it your fault and therefore your responsibility and so you will jump over hoops to show you really do live him, respect him, want him and so on. Your behaviour will change in order to avoid setting off his moods, tantrums sulks.

No amount of talking will work because he will make things up if that's what it takes to shut you up and get you back in your box.

Ultimately, he will lie, twist and manipulate so you're all dancing round him making sure he never has to do anything he doesn't want to do. And ultimately, if a slap or a punch is required, it will be used.

He's a manipulative bully. You need to think about what you want and need, and what your children need, and work out how you're going to get it. It will probably mean getting away from him.

Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden · 29/12/2016 13:47

How are things now OP?

llangennith · 29/12/2016 13:50

Stop apologising OP! You're allowing him to behave like a spoilt brat. This is not how adults behave.
Do not enable him with his bullying.

BeckyAndTina · 29/12/2016 14:05

Things are strange, he's kind of just moved on and is acting pretty normal. I don't feel the conversation is over, or that the issues are resolved. We're going to have to talk more but it's hard with dc around all the time. It might not change things but I need to get it out.

Last night he was sharp with me again and said "why aren't you making my packed lunch? Is this some kind of punishment?" . I've come down with flu, but still expected to make dinner and packed lunchesHmm.

OP posts:
CauliflowerSqueeze · 29/12/2016 14:16

"Oh darling, I didn't want to spread germs while making your food. It would be horrible if you ended up with the flu, like me. I'm so lucky to have you to help me and support me when I'm so unwell. Just think, if we were both this unwell, how would we manage?"

Hmm
rainbowstardrops · 29/12/2016 14:24

He sounds like a complete arse! It also sounds like he would have done anything to get back to work sooner than later.

Next time he asks why you aren't making his packed lunch, remind him that he's a big boy now.

I think I would be distancing emotionally from him if I'm honest

Streuth · 29/12/2016 14:26

The problem is when you are so stressed out and everything you do is "wrong" it can be hard to keep your feet on the ground and be strong, or make sense of this bizarre and nasty behaviour - especially if you are trying to take care of the kids in the middle of it all.

I'm not putting up with this shit..going to get some advice and counselling

^Sounds just about right.

BeckyAndTina · 29/12/2016 14:47

You're right streuth, especially as I'm not feeling well. I need to get better and get some coaching, grow a pair or get a backbone!
Like last night I just said " oh, you want a packed lunch?" when I should have just said it was because of his behaviour. But he made it himself, at least.
He's taking the dc out again today and I won't be making dinner here, or packed lunches. I expect another comment!

OP posts:
Jux · 30/12/2016 19:06

You're not well. He should be making you lunch and dinner!

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