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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

to refuse to spend tomorrow with a silent dp?

88 replies

BeckyAndTina · 26/12/2016 17:21

DP has tomorrow off work too, but he's giving me the silent treatment.

We went to a shop this morning and he accidently knocked something over. I made a joking remark "oh dear, he`s knocked something over" and the assistant said "don´t worry, I´ll sort it out". We get out the shop, and he is really angry and says. "Next time we are in a shop and I knock something over, don't go into mummy mode and say something like that, so that the assistant has to defend me against your comment". I apologised and said I hadn´t meant it seriously. He said: "well next time, just keep your mouth shut.". He has been giving me the silent treatment since then. I realise it could have been taken wrongly and was a bit of a silly thing to say, that's why I apologised.

After lunch, dc was a bored, dp wanted to do his hobby and suggested dc go and listen to a story on a CD. DP had given dc this story as a Christmas present, and yesterday and today would suggest dc should listen to it. DC asked me if I wanted to listen to it with him, so I did. We were listening to it, when DP storms in, and is angry that I am listening to it with DC because he wanted to listen to it with him. We stopped listening, and I apologised I said I didn´t know as he had repeatedly suggested dc repeatedly listen to it over yesterday and today. We then had a row, where dp says I should have known that he wanted to hear it with him. How? How is this my fault? Since then there has been more silent treatment.

aibu to feel that if this continues, I don´t want to spend tomorrow with dp? He can take the dc out or whatever.

OP posts:
Pixel · 26/12/2016 20:41

Also, the affair idea does sound a possibility I'm afraid. My friend's OH was always having to pop out urgently or 'working' odd hours and of course he was seeing someone else. I'd ring up his work and ask to speak to him!

laurenandsophie · 26/12/2016 20:59

Not making excuses for his crap behaviour - but you say he's a workaholic, and I'm wondering if he was getting anxious and panicked about needing to get back to work after having Christmas off? That's what happens to me, and it's a bad habit.

SantasJockstrap · 26/12/2016 21:02

Id fuck off out on the piss with my mates, and come home wankered

BeckyAndTina · 26/12/2016 22:08

Yes, he's anxious and has lots on at work. He was going to take the whole week off, but then decided he couldn't. I understand that work side of things. But while it explains today, it doesn't excuse it.
I am pretty sure there is no affair. But there may be unhappiness and a lot of stress. A bit of jealousy perhaps that I get to spend more time with dc. If I knew he wanted to listen to the story, then why would I have done that? Does he really think I am such a nasty person?

He's gone to bed, all silent. Dc has noticed and is upset that he is to blame, and that dp won't be here tomorrow.
I may just ask him when he will be home tomorrow and then just announce I am going out for a couple of hours, like he announces he's going to work.

OP posts:
DameSquashalot · 27/12/2016 08:08

How are things today OP? Was he nicer before going to work?

BeckyAndTina · 27/12/2016 08:21

I didn´t see him this morning. I'd normally get up and have breakfast with him, but not today.

I was on the sofa last night - I started off in our joint bed, but he was coughing, I couldnt sleep and was coughing so I moved. Ive hardly slept and have dc to entertain.

He`s done this in the past - we have an argument and he goes to work even though he´d said he would take the day off. Petty twat.

OP posts:
iloveruby · 27/12/2016 08:35

He sounds horrible and previous posters are right - he was looking for a fight and nothing you did could have avoided that.

It doesn't matter if he is stressed at work his behaviour is unacceptable and you need to decide whether you are going to spend 2017 bring his emotional punching bag.

pictish · 27/12/2016 10:08

Absolutely. Women often seem to justify their partner's foul treatment of them with nonsense like, "He's stressed about work." and "He's depressed and/or anxious."
He may well be, but that is irrelevant when it comes to starting shit over nothing and determinedly escalating and extending it to the point where your partner is wretched and miserable.

This guy just wanted to be horrible. I don't know why some people seek to bully and mistreat their spouses but they obviously get something out of crushing someone else and turning their day to shit. It's nothing to do with anxiety.

neveradullmoment99 · 27/12/2016 11:49

Go out and dont be in when he gets back. Have you family you can go to? Go and visit them and stay there. When he gets back, the house will be empty. Don't phone him. Make him do the crawling. Leave him guessing.

PeachBellini123 · 27/12/2016 11:55

I get stressed at work and can be a bit grumpy but I don't use it as an excuse to be nasty to my DH!

I think you need to re-evulate your relationship.

Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden · 27/12/2016 11:58

You basically laughed at him and embarrassed him in a shop and you think it's all his fault. I realise I am a lone voice here but put yourself in his shoes. The one person he should be able to rely on wasn't there for him. ok, it was a petty thing in a shop but if you aren't there for him in small things you won't be in important things either.

If I was you I would apologise.

Bobsmum02 · 27/12/2016 12:02

Apologise for what? It's not like the op screamed and shouted all over the shop to embarrass him! Even if he is embarrassed acting like a sulking spoilt child and then dragging the dc's into it is a dick move!!

Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden · 27/12/2016 12:04

It's got out of hand at this stage she should have apologised at the time.

BeckyAndTina · 27/12/2016 12:11

I didn´t laugh at him in the shop and I did apologise straight away, when he pointed out how it had made him feel. After nearly 20 years together, we have been through many a crisis, where I have been there for him, and he knows and really appreciates that.

I just sent an sms earlier saying how I feel and felt. Hes replied saying my sms is out of order and not the the basis to talk to each other. Attack is the best form of defence. Im fuming and crying at the same time.

OP posts:
Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden · 27/12/2016 12:16

I think if you have been together twenty years then you reply with ok text me how you feel and then I will understand.

Sometimes you have rise above the pettiness and be the bigger person.
Flowershope it all works out.

Muldjewangk · 27/12/2016 12:19

Why do you stay, what is the point? This man is just awful, you must be on edge all the time and your dc is listening to you being bullied. Is this the childhood you want for your dc. Another twenty years of hearing his bullshit would be a waste of your life.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 27/12/2016 12:25

Op already apologise and "The one person he can rely on" attitude is the greatest over reaction I have read on here for a long time 😂

Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden · 27/12/2016 12:44

OP I would suggest you ask for this to be moved to Relationships all you will get in AIBU is advise to LTB which could be the right advice only you can tell.

If you feel you are in an abusive relationship please take care and get RL support and appropriate counselling from Women's Aid

Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden · 27/12/2016 12:47

advice Blush

ohfourfoxache · 27/12/2016 12:57

He is a nasty controlling cunt who takes pleasure in behaving like a man child.

I think I'd be looking for a shit hot lawyer and packing his bags.

WhiteStars · 27/12/2016 14:15

.

BeckyAndTina · 27/12/2016 14:31

How do I get it moved to Relationships? I think I need support for longer.

It`s just getting worse and worse with all sorts of accussations about leaving him out of family life, (wtf? he chose to go to work today), being too soft on dc, not being loving towards him etc etc.

Even if we get through this, the things he`s said will hurt for a long time. What a controlling twat.

OP posts:
Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden · 27/12/2016 14:34

Just report your OP and ask MNHQ to move it.

Sorry it has turned out like this. Flowers

haveacupoftea · 27/12/2016 14:34

Sounds like there is something way bigger underneath all this OP. You need to have it out with him and find out the real problem. Debt, threat of redundancy, I dont know...but something isn't adding up with this.

BeckyAndTina · 27/12/2016 14:55

Thanks, I will do that.

I know haveacupoftea - by standing up for myself (I´ve been more vocal in general these past weeks) I seem to have opened up a huge can of worms... Im strong but terrified, because he wont really talk, but just responds selectively and with more accussations. It´s not debt (I do that side of things), it`s not redundancy. It just seems like a shitload of resentment coming out.

Over to relationships.

OP posts:
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