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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

sex only, no relationship

35 replies

conway · 24/12/2016 20:40

Been divorced over 2 years now and met a guy on OLD. We get on really well and have been intimate a few times. The problem is , we can't see each other much due to work and kids. I have 2 young boys. He is also divorced with a kid.
He has made it clear that we can't have a relationship as too busy but wants to see me for sex. Part of me thinks that I am fine with that as my life is too busy for a relationship but the other part feels that I will always want more.
It feels like having affair but with no other partners involved. When we are together feel so good but when we are apart I am full of anxiety and waiting for his messages.
Any one else with this experience and how did it end?

OP posts:
BumDNC · 24/12/2016 20:41

Badly. Don't do it. I hated myself then hated him. Never do this unless it's what you want as well

Marmalade85 · 24/12/2016 20:42

If you're unsure then walk away before you get too emotionally involved.

EweAreHere · 24/12/2016 20:44

Walk away.

It can be done, but only with someone you like but don't want a future with. IF even a small part of you thinks maybe this could work, it will never work, you will just get hurt.

thiswayplease · 24/12/2016 20:47

One of you will end up wanting more than the other.

It's probably best to end it sooner rather than later

Merriment · 24/12/2016 20:49

Recipe for disaster.

Clawdeen · 24/12/2016 20:52

The bit where you say it's amazing when you're together and you're anxious when you're apart? I can really identify with this. Please walk away/take care. I had been single for 6 years and was pursued by a guy. Once we'd slept together a few times and I'd developed feelings for him, he told me he Was too busy for a relationship etc. I thought I could handle it as I'm busy too. But the anxiety you describe got worse and I felt like I was addicted- feeling elated when he wanted to see me and when we were together and then anxious and low when he went quiet. I felt I lost myself and the anxiety made me ill. It took me 6 months to end it and 3 months on I'm still recovering!

MotherTeresasCat · 24/12/2016 20:54

Oh christ, car crash. Run away OP.

OohhThatsMe · 24/12/2016 20:57

He's a cheeky bugger, isn't he? He doesn't have time for a relationship but could make time to shag you. Well, lucky you! Is he such a prize that you'd be glad of any scraps he could give you?

Whathappensnowthen · 24/12/2016 20:59

Just come out of something similar. I feel awful. I developed feelings, he didn't. It is pretty soul-destroying. If you can prevent this situation from happening, please do so, for your own sanity.

cosytoaster · 24/12/2016 21:01

Yes and badly. Totally agree with Clawdeen

Original poster
conway · 24/12/2016 21:08

Thanks, definitely understand what you are saying about the anxiety.
It's like a drug the feelings you get when you are together but the come down is so bad.
Always get great advice on mumsnet. I would have divorced from my obusive relationship earlier if I had listened to this site.
Am so insecure after my bad 20 year old marriage I am happy to fall for the first guy that pays me attention.
I know I must follow your good advice but not always easy to follow it when my heart is saying otherwise.

OP posts:
pklme · 24/12/2016 21:11

Thing is, even if this was entirely consensual for you both, he's using up precious life/emotion/time/space for an actual relationship you could have if you weren't with him.

m17362772 · 24/12/2016 21:53

Men find it much easier to shag without feelings growing in my experience.

awayinamazda · 24/12/2016 22:03

If u feel as if ur waiting to hear from him, ur already too involved for a sex only relationship I think, and it won't get easier...How would u feel if he slept with someone else? That should be fine given the terms, but I suspect you'd find it upsetting?
I think it's quite hard to separate sex and having deeper feelings, and ur likely to be happier ending this and seeking someone who wants ur company as well as ur body.
Even if ur busy, with someone who cares for you, u can keep in touch with WhatsApp or Skype each day and spend a day together when possible - it can be done, even with young kids, if u both are similarly busy and want the same things :-)

TheNaze73 · 24/12/2016 22:47

I don't think he's cheeky at all. He's honest

NotTheFordType · 24/12/2016 22:55

Currently he is being honest, but you are not. If you're not on the same page about where you want this to go, it's not going to work. He's made it clear that he wants a FWB relationship, you clearly want more. You need to walk away now.

It sounds like you might be a bit on the rebound from your marriage. How long ago did you break up?

Lunar1 · 24/12/2016 22:59

I had a FWB, it worked really well but only because we were both honest and it worked for us at the time. He's still my friend now over 10 years later. What you are describing is a recipe for disaster. Protect your heart from this mess.

Coffeegrain · 24/12/2016 23:17

Been there, gone along with it knowing deep down it wasn't going anywhere (long distance) We both got hurt, it ended BADLY. He has swiftly moved onto someone else, a few months later and I'm still recovering.
It isn't worth the anxiety and batters your self esteem in my experience

LellyMcKelly · 25/12/2016 04:29

If you just wanted FWB this would be fine, but if you want more, then this man is not for you. He has told you what he wants - listen to him, and don't waste your time with him when you could be out with someone who wants what you want.

SomeonesRealName · 25/12/2016 07:47

A similar thing happened to me after the breakdown of my abusive marriage and I ended it for the reasons you have described and because he was actually treating me very poorly. It was very hard at the time and I was a bit of an emotional mess - but I look back on it now as a bit of a turning point when I fixed my picker.

lovelearning · 25/12/2016 07:55

too busy but wants to see me for sex

Xmas Biscuit

conway, I wish you and your family a Happy Christmas.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 25/12/2016 10:19

"Walk away"
"It can be done, but only with someone you like but don't want a future with. IF even a small part of you thinks maybe this could work, it will never work, you will just get hurt"

Absolutely this.
In my experience you have to like them enough to enjoy their company, but not even remotely see a relationship with them. I've found ex-BFs worked better as fuck-buddies because I knew them (so felt safe emotionally and physically) and had already tried them out in a relationship context and decided they weren't for me (apart from sex).
You should also, 100%, not want a relationship. No faking not wanting one, but deep inside you recoil from the idea. It also helps to be able to seperate love from sex and to be good at compartmentalising your emotions.

I had a "casual relationship" for 2 years that ended a few months ago. It was fine for 6 months (I successfully blocked any feelings), but then he moved the goalposts and seemed to want more and this worked for a few months. I opened up a little in return but then he started sending mixed messages which muddied the waters. This could've been sorted but he was such a crap communicator that he was never able to express exactly it was he wanted from me, and eventually he did my head in so much I dumped him.

Over the years I have found it's been the men who have found it difficult being in a relationship where I've only wanted them casually. I'm fine provided they follow the rules and keep their heads screwed on.

BitchQueen90 · 25/12/2016 12:42

I have a casual relationship and have done for 2 years, I'm fine with the situation. But I genuinely do not want a serious relationship for selfish reasons (don't want to share my space, don't want to have to give someone attention etc). It can be done but it doesn't sound like something that's for you. If you are waiting for his texts and getting anxious I'd end it.

Ellisandra · 25/12/2016 12:58

I'm curious whether his OLD profile was clear that he wasn't looking for a relationship.

Sex only is fine if everyone is honest and happy with it. This particular situation isn't for you though.

BoxingHelena · 25/12/2016 23:20

OP can you tell a bit more about the dynamic ? You say that it feels like an affair without partners. Is it exclusive or are you both still dating/looking for other people ? Do you feel you can call him up or are you mainly waiting for him around? I think that a relationship sometime can grow out of a slow casual arrangment but only if the two people move gradually closer to each other. As other posters say it is not always the woman who develops feelings ( I've been there, keeping my side of the agreement and having to cut it off because it was beginning to mess him up)

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