sex only, no relationship

[conway]

Been divorced over 2 years now and met a guy on OLD. We get on really well and have been intimate a few times. The problem is , we can't see each other much due to work and kids. I have 2 young boys. He is also divorced with a kid.
He has made it clear that we can't have a relationship as too busy but wants to see me for sex. Part of me thinks that I am fine with that as my life is too busy for a relationship but the other part feels that I will always want more.
It feels like having affair but with no other partners involved. When we are together feel so good but when we are apart I am full of anxiety and waiting for his messages.
Any one else with this experience and how did it end?

[Kr1stina]

Glad to hear you have made the decision and are feeling less anxious.

I agree about putting it down to experience. Have you found the dating support threads here? there's lots of experience and wisdom and hand holding for when you feel ready to try dating again.

[conway]

Now , I have blocked Mr NO Commitment feel so much better. Slept better as well and not looking on my phone all day.
Thanks for all your help.
Am having a break fro OLD . May try POF next time instead of Tinder.
I am putting it all down to experience hopefully one which I have learned from.

[Clawdeen]

oh conway it sucks doesn't it? the bit that really resonates with me is the part where you say that if he cared then NYE would be a time to get in touch. It's so hard. My Mr No commitment was the same. I mistakenly thought FWB included a friends part- but it was very blurry and confusing. I would do things for him that I would do for my friends but he never/very rarely reciprocated. It took me a long time to realise that he only 'cared' and said the right things etc when he was horny. Otherwise I slipped out of his mind. Even though I was trying to convince myself I hadn't developed feelings, the feeling of being totally forgettable/unimportant really hurt as I felt I wouldn't treat friends like that, let alone one I was having sex with. If you're in my life, you're in it but for him it was very much dependent on his libido. I'm so sorry. I hope you get some sleep tonight. I slept much better when I went no contact but as you know I wobbled last week and contacted him and the insomnia came back instantly. Big hugs

[noego]

nothing wrong in having those feelings again, but not at the expense of your sanity.

[conway]

Was hoping for a date night. However, as I have still not had any contact for him for 2 days I am not sure what is going on.
I am trying to be strong and not keep looking at my phone.
If I don't hear by tomorrow I think I will just block him. I know It's the right think to do. It was just so nice to have a male interested in me if it was only for sex. After 20 years in a bad marriage and 2 1/2 years without intimacy It was lovely to feel those feelings again.
Now back to been a single mum again.

[Kr1stina]

You say you have arranged another date for 7 January . But you said upthread that he was too busy to date you, he just wants to see you for sex.

So on 7 January are you going out for a date? You know, spending time with each other, going out for a meal or to see a film etc

Or is he just coming round to your place for sex?

[Iac113]

Block him Conway. You need to break this one because it's going nowhere. Dating should not make you anxious and upset

[conway]

Still contacting my Mr No Commitment guy and he was contacting me but have not seen him.
I haven't heard from him again all new years eve and it is making me feel very bad. I would have thought if someone cared for you those would be the times he would be in contact.
we did arrange for another date on sat Jan 7 but not sure whether to go.
I am very anxious and not sleeping. Really feel like I am falling apart.
My marriage , which was very bad broke up 2 years ago and this is the first attachment I have formed.

[noego]

Psychologically you are not ready for this kind of casual relationship and he is. The result isn't going to be good.

[Kr1stina]

So you hardly ever see him because he's too busy ? But when you are not with him, you feel anxious.

Well you've answered your own question. This is making you unhappy and it will get worse.

Run don't walk .

[BoxingHelena]

OP can you tell a bit more about the dynamic ? You say that it feels like an affair without partners. Is it exclusive or are you both still dating/looking for other people ? Do you feel you can call him up or are you mainly waiting for him around? I think that a relationship sometime can grow out of a slow casual arrangment but only if the two people move gradually closer to each other. As other posters say it is not always the woman who develops feelings ( I've been there, keeping my side of the agreement and having to cut it off because it was beginning to mess him up)

[Ellisandra]

I'm curious whether his OLD profile was clear that he wasn't looking for a relationship.

Sex only is fine if everyone is honest and happy with it. This particular situation isn't for you though.

[BitchQueen90]

I have a casual relationship and have done for 2 years, I'm fine with the situation. But I genuinely do not want a serious relationship for selfish reasons (don't want to share my space, don't want to have to give someone attention etc). It can be done but it doesn't sound like something that's for you. If you are waiting for his texts and getting anxious I'd end it.

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

"Walk away"
"It can be done, but only with someone you like but don't want a future with. IF even a small part of you thinks maybe this could work, it will never work, you will just get hurt"

Absolutely this.
In my experience you have to like them enough to enjoy their company, but not even remotely see a relationship with them. I've found ex-BFs worked better as fuck-buddies because I knew them (so felt safe emotionally and physically) and had already tried them out in a relationship context and decided they weren't for me (apart from sex).
You should also, 100%, not want a relationship. No faking not wanting one, but deep inside you recoil from the idea. It also helps to be able to seperate love from sex and to be good at compartmentalising your emotions.

I had a "casual relationship" for 2 years that ended a few months ago. It was fine for 6 months (I successfully blocked any feelings), but then he moved the goalposts and seemed to want more and this worked for a few months. I opened up a little in return but then he started sending mixed messages which muddied the waters. This could've been sorted but he was such a crap communicator that he was never able to express exactly it was he wanted from me, and eventually he did my head in so much I dumped him.

Over the years I have found it's been the men who have found it difficult being in a relationship where I've only wanted them casually. I'm fine provided they follow the rules and keep their heads screwed on.

[lovelearning]

too busy but wants to see me for sex



conway, I wish you and your family a Happy Christmas.

[SomeonesRealName]

A similar thing happened to me after the breakdown of my abusive marriage and I ended it for the reasons you have described and because he was actually treating me very poorly. It was very hard at the time and I was a bit of an emotional mess - but I look back on it now as a bit of a turning point when I fixed my picker.

[LellyMcKelly]

If you just wanted FWB this would be fine, but if you want more, then this man is not for you. He has told you what he wants - listen to him, and don't waste your time with him when you could be out with someone who wants what you want.

[Coffeegrain]

Been there, gone along with it knowing deep down it wasn't going anywhere (long distance) We both got hurt, it ended BADLY. He has swiftly moved onto someone else, a few months later and I'm still recovering.
It isn't worth the anxiety and batters your self esteem in my experience

[Lunar1]

I had a FWB, it worked really well but only because we were both honest and it worked for us at the time. He's still my friend now over 10 years later. What you are describing is a recipe for disaster. Protect your heart from this mess.

[NotTheFordType]

Currently he is being honest, but you are not. If you're not on the same page about where you want this to go, it's not going to work. He's made it clear that he wants a FWB relationship, you clearly want more. You need to walk away now.

It sounds like you might be a bit on the rebound from your marriage. How long ago did you break up?

[TheNaze73]

I don't think he's cheeky at all. He's honest

[awayinamazda]

If u feel as if ur waiting to hear from him, ur already too involved for a sex only relationship I think, and it won't get easier...How would u feel if he slept with someone else? That should be fine given the terms, but I suspect you'd find it upsetting?
I think it's quite hard to separate sex and having deeper feelings, and ur likely to be happier ending this and seeking someone who wants ur company as well as ur body.
Even if ur busy, with someone who cares for you, u can keep in touch with WhatsApp or Skype each day and spend a day together when possible - it can be done, even with young kids, if u both are similarly busy and want the same things :-)

[m17362772]

Men find it much easier to shag without feelings growing in my experience.

[pklme]

Thing is, even if this was entirely consensual for you both, he's using up precious life/emotion/time/space for an actual relationship you could have if you weren't with him.

[conway]

Thanks, definitely understand what you are saying about the anxiety.
It's like a drug the feelings you get when you are together but the come down is so bad.
Always get great advice on mumsnet. I would have divorced from my obusive relationship earlier if I had listened to this site.
Am so insecure after my bad 20 year old marriage I am happy to fall for the first guy that pays me attention.
I know I must follow your good advice but not always easy to follow it when my heart is saying otherwise.