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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really awful question, but need advice

98 replies

twodarkeyes · 22/12/2016 19:13

When I was younger I worked as a prostitute; I started out on the streets and then worked in parlours / as an escort.

My life is now totally different. I now help support some of those women - I never let on but because I used to be one I understand. No one at all knows of my past. I have a clean sexual health check (I was always very careful.)

But if I meet someone in future (and I would like to and feel ready to) do I have to tell them? I'm not sure I could make anyone understand.

OP posts:

CatBallou2 · 22/12/2016 23:49

*Charlie97

I wouldn't tell......unless, someone could blab about it!

Sadly I've been a victim of loud mouth soup syndrome from "well meaning relatives"

You've nothing to be ashamed off, you are fabulously strong and amazing to get out of the place you were. As a partner I'd bloody well be in awe of you......but not everyone feels the same.

For me I'd not test easy with someone having a hold on me and being able to tell!*

What Charlie97 says above.

ALaughAMinute · 23/12/2016 00:03

Your future partner doesn't need to know everything about you just as you won't know everything about him/her. I wouldn't tell.

tipsytrifle · 23/12/2016 01:11

I think we all own our own past. I don't think intimacy or even Love requires full disclosure of how far back in the past we disclose anything at all. For example, maybe someone ran over a cat and didn't stop, or even worse did it on purpose (not me, though I held my darling cat in my arms as he went). It's unlikely, though, that person went home and disclosed what he'd done and the thrill he got out of it. You haven't done anything like that.

I wouldn't disclose my childhood hallucinations of bad stuff because I know what they were about and, awful as they were, they originated in my shit family life. Nevertheless, they played a part in becoming who I am now. But they are mine and have nothing to do with anyone else.

There was a time when you weren't a sex worker, a time when you were and a time NOW when you're an amazing help and support to others. This is who you are NOW and this is who someone will fall in love with. You should, imo, fully accept you are and the no doubt painful journey that has brought you here - as in being perfect for who you are now and what you DO for others.

How would it benefit anyone to disclose a part of your life that is over? You aren't lying about who you are now, you don't have to validate or justify to anyone how/why you're so good at helping others, nor would you be lying to anyone by owning your own stuff and not sharing its origins.

I don't accept that "secrecy" is the issue because otherwise we'd all be second guessing and (over?)sharing every move we'd made in life from birth and forget that life is mostly our own personal journey.

There are differences between privacy, secrecy and intimacy. Some don't accept that; some think there can be no trust without an inherent entitlement to everything in a person's heart, mind and soul. I think it depends on the amount of harm caused by actions. There are cases, as evidenced by this board, where secrets are/become destructive forces in the dynamics of a relationship. But your right to privacy doesn't really fit this scenario, does it?

Paths entwine, sometimes, but they do that in the present. The issue is that it's a choice and - since you didn't actually kill or harm anyone - I think the choice should be freely yours.

Itssosunny · 23/12/2016 01:46

No, don't tell tell even if he is the nicest man you have ever met. Men are less forgiving and less forgetful when it comes to their female partner.

whattodowiththepoo · 23/12/2016 06:48

No you don't need to tell anyone, but if my partner trusted me with something like this I would see it as a big positive.

OneADayAndThenWhat · 23/12/2016 08:43

How is being a sex worker different from being someone who used to have lots of one night stands

I think it's very different indeed. If I was a partner I would want to know but I probably wouldn't be ok with it. . Honesty is too important to keep such a major thing secret. There are no need for details but the basic fact you were a prostitute is a significant fact.

Original poster

twodarkeyes · 23/12/2016 09:34

It is different although I don't know why. Just is.

OP posts:

AverageJosephine · 23/12/2016 12:25

You don't have to tell at all.

But, I would be aiming for the type of partner you could be open and honest to without being judged. Personally I wouldn't accept a partner who could not hear about my past. So for me, I would both want a partner decent and educated and open minded enough not to judge me and also want my partner to know everything about me and my past. So I would be telling, knowing that any man who had a real issue with that was not the sort of man I wanted in my future.

Original poster

twodarkeyes · 23/12/2016 12:26

To be honest I think the opposite. A decent man could have any woman: why would they want an ex prostitute?

OP posts:

AverageJosephine · 23/12/2016 12:29

I think your opinion of decent is different to mine.

lougle · 23/12/2016 12:37

A decent man would be falling in love with you, not your circumstances. So if they loved you, they would accept that you had a past that is different to your life now.

NotTheFordType · 23/12/2016 12:44

It sounds like you have a real dose of self loathing going on there, OP. Maybe talking to a counsellor (one who is professional and doesn't judge SWs) would help you reconcile your feelings about your past?

From my experience, I am a sex worker currently and have a partner who is absolutely fine with that. He loves me for who I am, not what I do. In the future when I seek other partners, their reaction to my job will be an excellent way of sorting the wheat from the judgemental chaff.

(Of course you also have the types who think they're gonna be your cock lodger and get freebies... Twat radar needs to be finely tuned!)

Tinselbelle · 23/12/2016 12:47

Would you not be concerned you might bump into someone you worked for? That would always be my worry.

I think it depends on the man you meet. Some men want to ask about past and some don't want to know at all.

Also, if you work to help women currently working in the sex industry then that might bring questions up, and also opinions that you might find hard to not take personally?

Doowappydoo · 23/12/2016 12:57

I truly believe my Dh would still have wanted me in the same circumstances, a decent man will love you for who you are and your past is a part of that, warts and all

I don't think you should feel you have to tell but I think maybe if the person and time is right then be open to it. Many many people have pasts they would rather not broadcast to the world at large, you are not alone and a future partner might be similarly burdened for all you know.

DistanceCall · 23/12/2016 13:07

I think it's too big a thing not to mention. It's not like not telling your partner who you slept with - you're hiding a huge part of your history, which has to a large extent made you what you are (and I think your history is admirable and an example of courage). He won't be able to understand who you really are unless he knows.

AverageJosephine · 23/12/2016 13:37

Just to add OP. This is of varying importance to people but in my honest belief, it in no way defines you. What does define you is that you are using something that you know was not a good thing for you (evident by the work you choose to do now) to try and help others. If I was your partner, is be proud of you.

Original poster

twodarkeyes · 23/12/2016 14:05

I hope so Josephine

I've never had a relationship and so past sexual encounters may come up. Mine have all been paid for.

OP posts:

ScruffyTheJanitor · 23/12/2016 14:16

I can only give my opinion and thoughts on this so it may not tally with other people...

If I met, dated, fell for, got involved with a person in 2016, id be in love with that person in 2016, not the person they were in 2010. does that make sense?
Here's the kicker though.
If I got with an ex sex worker, it wouldn't bother, its in the past, what would bother me is if I didn't know until after i'd been with them for a significant amount of time. It would be the hiding that would be my issue, not the thing being hidden.

OneADayAndThenWhat · 23/12/2016 16:59

It's an interesting question. I wonder what the answers would be if the OP was asking about previously being in prison or a gambler, a bankrupt or a heroin addict?
I know that 'judging' other people is one of the biggest Mumnet crimes going but I don't think it's unusual or unreasonable not to want to date someone who had worked as a prostitute. I wouldn't and I would expect a potential partner to tell me. Honesty is one of the most important things in relationship.

pklme · 23/12/2016 17:09

Just a little extra comment- your thread title is 'awful question but...' It isn't an awful question. It's a perfectly reasonable question that you have every right to ask for opinions on.
The thread about the trauma caused by being a sex worker was interesting.
I hope you find someone you feel able to tell once you are a fair way into your relationship.
Good luck, and well done for turning your life around.

InfoFreako · 23/12/2016 17:13

Not telling your partner is fine as long as you'd be happy not being told (for example) that he'd had sex with prostitutes in his past before he met you.

I know a guy who's had more than 1 of his previous partners ask him if he'd slept with prostitutes. He told them he hadn't even though he had (many years beforehand). So - using the same logic as previous comments - he justifies this by telling himself it's his business only and part of his past.

Cheers.

Original poster

twodarkeyes · 23/12/2016 19:14

I think if someone has moved away from that and is a totally different person now then okah

OP posts:

Patsy99 · 23/12/2016 19:20

Yes - there's also hypocritical prejudice against women who work in the sex industry and you don't have to take that on.

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