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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really awful question, but need advice

98 replies

twodarkeyes · 22/12/2016 19:13

When I was younger I worked as a prostitute; I started out on the streets and then worked in parlours / as an escort.

My life is now totally different. I now help support some of those women - I never let on but because I used to be one I understand. No one at all knows of my past. I have a clean sexual health check (I was always very careful.)

But if I meet someone in future (and I would like to and feel ready to) do I have to tell them? I'm not sure I could make anyone understand.

OP posts:
lougle · 22/12/2016 19:59

How is being a sex worker different from being someone who used to have lots of one night stands (apart from the money)? Or meeting a new partner who is a bit older and has had lots of partners?

I don't think that it's much different, but I would be upset if I found out that my DH, who claimed I was his first partner, had turned out to have had several partners before me, because he'd have lied and our trust would be broken.

Joysmum · 22/12/2016 20:04

I don't think you can have genuine intimacy with someone and keep any secret that is important to you

That's crap.

lougle · 22/12/2016 20:04

"CalleighDoodle

I dont tell people I used to work at Gregg's the Bakers. Not because im embarrassed or anything, but because it was many many years ago and simoly irrelevant."

No, but I bet if an interesting story, a question about the industry, or the subject of Greggs came up, you'd have no problem with saying 'oh I used to work there when I was younger...' because it's not a big deal, it is just a fact.

You can't start a relationship with someone, be chatting in the bar years later with mates and then when prostitution comes up, say 'oh I used to do that when I was younger....' and expect everyone just to say 'oh right...'

You have to accept that if you say nothing about it you are actively concealing it.

Patsy99 · 22/12/2016 20:10

I don't agree lougle. Actively lying isn't the same as not disclosing everything about yourself. Certainly haven't told DH all the details of my sexual past, I think I'm entitled to some privacy (as is he).

Woolyheads · 22/12/2016 20:11

You don't have to tell them EVERYTHING on the first date! If you meet someone you feel you can tell, then you've found yourself a keeper.

FaFoutis · 22/12/2016 20:15

I wouldn't tell. I've done some things in my past that my DH doesn't know about. It's not me anymore, I don't even think about it. But if I told him it would change his view of me completely, and wrongly.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 22/12/2016 20:16

The fact you even have to ask means yes, it is something you should disclose.

lougle · 22/12/2016 20:17

I think the line comes when a discussion is open and you choose not to disclose or you disclose select information that implies a different past to your actual past - that is lying by omission/diversion. IMO.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 22/12/2016 20:18

I think you do.

It's lying by omission not to tell someone something significant about your past.

CalleighDoodle · 22/12/2016 20:18

And whats wrong with that lougle?

Are you saying you should never have a secret from a boyfriend?

I didn't tell my husband he had by chance sat next to someone i once dated at the school nativity last week because it is just not relevant and was a very long time ago.

And im sure there's lots of things you keep from your partner because it is none of their business.

Ginkypig · 22/12/2016 20:19

Your sexual history is yours to share where you feel it's appropriate!

If you had slept with 1000 men/women during one night stands would you feel you had to share?

If you were sexually abused as a child would you feel you needed to tell the person?

My experience has been that once I'd met the absolute right person who I wanted to share my life with I didn't want to keep my history from him and trusted that I'd fallen in love with a person who would understand my history. I felt I myself that there would be a barrier between us because there would be a part I kept secret. that was my choice though

Notice Iv not said what history that is that's because it's my choice to share it or not!

KnittedBlanketHoles · 22/12/2016 20:21

I wouldn't tell if you don't want to let some feel ready to.

lougle · 22/12/2016 20:24

My church pastor still talks of his own drug addiction if he ever talks about drugs. He's been free of addiction for 40 years. You would never know he'd ever been near a drug. But he would never give the impression that he is speaking from a position of having never been involved in drugs himself. Just as he doesn't go to huge efforts to hide his tattoos 😊 - it's his past, he is not his past, but his past is not something that he hides. Having said that, not does he preach on his past every week!!

Ginkypig · 22/12/2016 20:24

I will say also though Iv misjudged somone in the past I thought I could trust them and shared somthing. They turned out to be an abusive arsehole who used the information I'd shared to control and punish me!

So yes share if you want to but don't just tell them as soon as you meet them before you know wht they are like.

scottishdiem · 22/12/2016 20:26

If you do not need to tell anyone then do not. I dont think that people need to know if it doesnt affect them. People could struggle to understand and/or accept. They could take it badly and suddenly you might have to deal with the fact they might tell other people.

The only issue is are you 100% sure you can happily keep it a secret from a loved one and are you 100% sure they wouldnt find out?

Patsy99 · 22/12/2016 20:27

Good call Ginky as this is exactly the sort of thread I can imagine reappearing on the Daily effing Fail.

Beedoo123 · 22/12/2016 20:27

Does anyone else know? It's your choice if you share or not but be careful if someone else could let it slip...

lougle · 22/12/2016 20:28

@CalleighDoodle I think it's wrong. No, I don't have secrets from my husband. But granted, I don't have anything worth keeping secret.

I don't think you have to declare all past boyfriends, but the OP is asking whether she should tell a future long-term partner that she used to be a sex worker. I think if the relationship is worth having, the man is good enough and actually loves her, the answer is 'yes'.

Joysmum · 22/12/2016 20:29

So would you say the same of rape victims? They are wrong until they have told everyone and until then they are liars, presenting a different past and actively concealing Hmm

Tiredbutnotyetretired · 22/12/2016 20:29

No need to tell, you're not that person anymore so it would be irrelevant.

Pixilicious · 22/12/2016 20:30

You don't need to tell. That's not who you are any more, it's not relevant. My husband doesn't know what I got up to sexually before I met him and vice versa. The past has passed.

Hellothereitsme · 22/12/2016 20:45

I wouldn't tell them. We all have secrets I'm sure - they just differ In terms of degree of importance. I do t want to know my partners sexual history and so in a way that is a secret.

lougle · 22/12/2016 20:48

We're not talking about telling 'everyone'. And my point is whether it would be significant for someone that their partner has had multiple sexual partners. That's nothing to do with rape.

lougle · 22/12/2016 20:51

Anyway. I've given my view - if you don't want to disclose, don't disclose, but if it is materially important and you have to conceal it, that's not a good basis for a relationship. Any man who is worth being with will be able to accept that you used to earn money through sex and understand that you feel that you are a very different person now, so you shouldn't have to keep it as a secret.

RockyBird · 22/12/2016 20:54

Someone I know did tell and the new partner took it well. They married and had children. He didn't tell his family.

A few years later a Sunday paper did a six page splash on her (she was linked to Royalty) and the whole world found out.

Then the excrement hit the extractor.

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