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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really awful question, but need advice

98 replies

twodarkeyes · 22/12/2016 19:13

When I was younger I worked as a prostitute; I started out on the streets and then worked in parlours / as an escort.

My life is now totally different. I now help support some of those women - I never let on but because I used to be one I understand. No one at all knows of my past. I have a clean sexual health check (I was always very careful.)

But if I meet someone in future (and I would like to and feel ready to) do I have to tell them? I'm not sure I could make anyone understand.

OP posts:

SleepFreeZone · 22/12/2016 20:55

That's true actually Ginky. You could trust someone enough to tell them and then break up and they could threaten you with that information.

Graceflorrick · 22/12/2016 20:58

Do your family and friends know, it'd be worse coming from them. If there's a chance he'd find out from someone else, I think you need to be up front.

Rosyglow74 · 22/12/2016 21:13

The only person you can be 100% sure of keeping your secrets is you.

Tiredbutnotyetretired · 22/12/2016 21:16

Could be thrown in your face during an argument, could tell people when drunk etc. Dont disclose such an important part of your past that you have clearly moved on from. Any decent man (upon somehow discovering this secret) will understand your reasons for keeping it to yourself and will be there to support you regardless. Its not lies or withholding, its self protection from any potential arseholes that could manipulate you regarding this secret

Empress13 · 22/12/2016 21:17

TBH OP I don't think it's anyone business but yours and is in the past BUT ....... What if it came out later on down the line? And your husband thought you weren't being totally honest with him he would wonder what else have you not told him that could then potentially ruin your relationship.

Honesty always the best policy in my book. If he is worth having he will accept you for what you are now not what you were then.

Empress13 · 22/12/2016 21:19

Rocky how on earth did he not know about her past if she was that famous a newspaper did a 6 page article on her ????

BastardGoDarkly · 22/12/2016 21:24

Nope. It was a past life. Nothing to do with this one.

How do you feel about it in yourself? Does it tear you up? Or are you at peace with it?

I think if it causes you turmoil at all, you'd be unfair on yourself and potential future partner to keep that hidden.

Charlie97 · 22/12/2016 21:33

I wouldn't tell......unless, someone could blab about it!

Sadly I've been a victim of loud mouth soup syndrome from "well meaning relatives"

You've nothing to be ashamed off, you are fabulously strong and amazing to get out of the place you were. As a partner I'd bloody well be in awe of you......but not everyone feels the same.

For me I'd not test easy with someone having a hold on me and being able to tell!

Charlie97 · 22/12/2016 21:34

*rest

Boolovessulley · 22/12/2016 21:35

I'm not sure.
It's not something I'd disclose on a first date, but if I trusted and moved someone then I think I would sMg them to know.

It's bizzare though as thousands of men visit sex workers so surely they won't hold it against you.

Patriciathestripper1 · 22/12/2016 21:35

I wouldn't disclose your past because that is what it is....your past.
Most People have multiple sexual partners before settling down, the only difference between you and them is that yours paid you.
I have never discussed my previous partners with my Dh, and neither would I want to. When you get to a certain age everyone had s past.

If you have moved on then you don't need to discuss it with anyone.

MercuryInRetrograde · 22/12/2016 21:36

You don't owe anybody the truth. The truth isn't so bad btw but people aren't always mature enough to carry other people's stories.

Natsku · 22/12/2016 21:37

I don't think you have to disclose it, and can see a good reason for not disclosing it (in case you break up and that knowledge is used against you). Its in your past and that's where it belongs, no need to drag it out into the present.

Bogeyface · 22/12/2016 21:43

empress he did know. Its his family who hit the roof when it came out in the papers.

sleepingkoala · 22/12/2016 21:54

It's up to you if you want to tell them or not. There are things in my past which just stay there and I don't plan on telling anyone about as I don't want to and don't feel the need. Those things are not part of my life anymore and don't reflect who I am. I want them to just stay in the past and they are no longer relevant to me. I mean you would hope that if you did feel the need to tell your future partner that they'd be understanding obviously but yeah they don't need to know and it doesn't make a difference if you don't tell. It doesn't matter. It would be your choice what you want to share.

SpookyPotato · 22/12/2016 21:56

No I wouldn't tell. It's not who you are anymore and it does have a stigma. There is nothing to gain by saying anything... it's not a dirty secret, just totally irrelevant.

Boo Thousands do visit sex workers but most put these women in a different 'box' to someone they're in a relationship with (as wrong as that is)

MarjorieSimpson · 22/12/2016 22:02

My first reaction was to say that if you are in a relationship made to last, you need to trust each other and that means sharing important things from your past. (Bit it doesn't mean talking about it at the second me et up iyswim).

And then I thought about it and actually there are a few things that I have never said to DH and I know DH hasn't said things to me either.
I do think it says things about the strength of our relationship but that's another story.

In your case, whether you need to tell your partner probably depends a lot of how important this would be for them. I suspect that someone who has a really big issue with the sex industry might see the not telling as a deal breaker when someone else won't.
Also not telling is different to lying to cover things up.
And there is the issue of whether they are likely to find out about it or not.

RockyBird · 22/12/2016 22:08

Empress the paper did the exposé many, many years after her career. She herself isn't famous.

MarjorieSimpson · 22/12/2016 22:11

The thing is having 100 sex partners, one night stand and being a prostitute is different.
This is something that has had a huge impact on the OP's life and who she is. That's why she is still involved in supporting women to get out of the trade. So the 'link' to her old life is still there so to speak.

From the few bits you have shared, I do feel that this experience has made you who you are so is very relevant to the present.

I also think that when you will find someone that you fully trust, you are very likely to tell them.
But before that, you might have to do a bit more healing so that you feel to be able to share that, at least with the women you are helping. A bit like the priest a poster was talking about upthread.
The reason why you are questioning that might because you haven't fully owned that story yet. (And i can imagine it will be very hard to do as I would think there is a story behind the reason why you started and then carried on).

DistanceCall · 22/12/2016 22:13

Personally, I would want to be with someone whom I felt I could tell about my past.

Bluntness100 · 22/12/2016 22:17

This is your personal business, it's in your past, and no you don't need to tell. Plenty of "good" men would find it difficult to know their partner had been a prostitute and I suspect the women telling you to fess up know this, I'm sorry i can't believe they don't.

It's not like you are still a prostitute and you feel it's no longer who you are, so I think the decision will be yours in terms of who you're partner is and how you think they would react to this. You can only judge based on the man you're with.

Cricrichan · 22/12/2016 22:45

I guess because you work with those girls you could sound your bf out . Bring it up in conversation. But like you said that nobody knows, so telling a bf will risk it coming out in the future. Many relationships don't last and if you have kids and split up and he uses that against you etc.

Clara81 · 22/12/2016 22:47

Should probably name change here but ah well.

I've got a good friend who worked in a massage parlour in her late teens/early twenties. Now nearly 20 years on, she has a boyfriend she's been with for 5 years and he doesn't know about her past. She lives in constant fear of him finding out. How likely is it that someone might tell a new partner about it?

I've done some pretty out there sexual stuff, which I have not disclosed (at least in full) to any of my sexual partners. Why should I? But then, recently I started going out with someone who it's really easy to be honest with, and he knows everything. Turns out he's got some similar stuff in his past! It's really liberating for it to be out in the open, but he's literally the first person I've met where it's felt ok. So, my conclusion would be play it by ear, if it feels ok to mention it then do, otherwise keep it under your hat and that's ok too.

6demandingchildren · 22/12/2016 22:50

You don't have to tell but if you meet someone you are in love with then maybe you do need to say.
My best friend was a prostitute and when she met her now husband she told him and because he loved her he accepted she had a past he knows I know and her mum but none of their other family or friends know, she has been married to him for over 20 years and I still love her as much now as I did then as her husband adores her.

arsenaltilidie · 22/12/2016 23:03

If there is no possibility of anyone close to you finding out then the decision to tell or not tell is yours and yours only. Do not feel guilty or uncomfortable about not telling because your past is no one's business.
I can't emphasise enough that whatever you decide it's your choice and yours only.

FWIW you will not be the first woman to hide her sexual past and you will not be the last either.
If you meet someone that's too interested in your sexual past then that's a clear red flag.

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