I guess I should leave....?

[atlsoul]

Hello. And thank you for reading this. I appreciate any help and feedback.

My wife and I have been married for 22 years. We have raised two children (the youngest is 16).

In 2013 I lost my job and we moved across the country to another city for my new job. They were so incredibly unhappy that they moved back to the city which we move from after 1 year. I have been traveling back and forth every weekend for 3 years to see them.

In the process of this separation, we have grown apart. Our interests have changed, we have become emotionally separated. And, the usual line applies: I love her, but I am not in love with her. 2+ years of separation has caused us to drift.

I am the breadwinner for the family. She has a job at the local school where they live, but it is more for something to do than for the money, as it only pays around $13k per year.

In the course of her being there and me being here, I have met someone else and become involved in a relationship with her. In my loneliness, and in my desire for companionship, the two of us have developed a love over time. I already know that this is something I should not have done, but it is where I am.

What this has caused me to realize is that I am a different person than I was several years ago. I am not angry or upset with my wife. I do not wish her any ill will. We have just both changed as people, and it feels as though we are staying together out of obligation, rather than because we want to be together. She is not happy with me, and I am not happy with her. We are not UNhappy, we just are not happy.

So now I face this situation where I have become involved with someone over a period of 1 year and developed a love relationship that is deep. I know it is wrong. If anything, I should have left my wife and then figured out what I want. But this is where I am, and have done what I have done.

I am no longer attracted to my wife. Not just because of the usual weight gain, but as a person. Our interests are so different now. We are such different people. I do not want to spend time with her, even before meeting my current girlfriend. I just dread the time that I do have to spend with her.

My question is this: Am I just experiencing some sort of mid-life crisis where my perception is warped, or do I just need to move on? And if I need to move on, is it with my girlfriend, or just move on because I am no longer in love with my wife?

Before anyone takes the time and effort to point out that I am a bastard or a coward, please know that I already realize that. I just want to figure out what to do from this point forward.

Thank you for any insight and advice that you all may have.

There is more to being a family than having a romantic relationship. Don't make any decision without finding out what your wife wants, because you are a family unit, regardless of how you feel.

Maybe she is expecting to move back to you when DC16 goes off to uni. Or for you to move back with another job. Unilaterally deciding it's over and moving on is even crappier than your current behaviour.

I intend to leave them everything ... from my perspective, it is all for them and all theirs

I imagine the OW might have views on that, since in the unlikely event you stay together it would affect her finances too. Or had you perhaps already thought of that, and planned to use it in a martyred "Well, I really wanted to help my ex, but the figures don't work out" ??

'the usual weight gain'
Seriously? Don't make excuses.

You love her but you aren't in love - yer, tends to happen when you choose to dedicate your free time, energies and dick to someone else.
Your wife has followed you across the country and has been dedicated to you and your family.
I don't understand what kind of clarity you require?
Go, tell her you want a divorce ASAP, give her everything you can, and prepare yourself for the fallout that will occur when your children find out and for fucks sake DO NOT try and play happy families with your new girlfriend with them.

the usual weight gain
What a charmer you are.

You admitted that you started to drift apart when they moved. Are you sure that your feelings for your wife wouldn't return if you spent more time and effort with her? However, if your already in love with someone else then you only get one life, your wife also. Finish it so you can both go and live it .

WTF is it with people like this?

here's the TLDR - I don't love my partner anymore and have met someone I do like, what should I do?

Make up your mind, that's all. FFS.

Lol you are going to get ripped to SHREDS in here.

Come back OP! Come back and tell us how she only works in a school and only earns 13k a year whilst juggling two kids, looking after a household and keeping her sanity whilst you are living away and having a great time with your OW. Do come back and tell us how you had carried and birthed two children and kept your amazing figure.

Do the decent thing and tell her so she can tear you a new one, rather than strangers on MN.

You have contradicted yourself whilst revealing what an utter selfish bastard you are. You have been having an affair for a YEAR -- you should have been having this conversation with your WIFE much earlier out of respect for her and everything she has sacrificed for you.

Read back your post, OP. Look at how disrespectful you have been towards your wife. All of your cliches don't negate the fact that you're an arsehole.

OFGS, just leave your wife, talk about selfish cake eater - you've been lying and deceiving her for a year, give her peace and bloody leave and have a fantastic life with your new girlfriend - end of.

Of course it's exciting being with someone who you're only dating. Her whole focus will be on you and the day to day domestic drudgery won't get in the way. Have you been looking for a job closer to home in all these years? Have you missed your family or has it suited you?

You sound full of disrespect for your wife and what she does. She has given birth to your sons, fed them, shopped for them, been there for their parents evening, taken them to parties, sorted out toddler/teenage issues, taken them to the doctors, to football, to swimming, nursed them. Cleaned, tidied the house, washed, sorted and put away laundry. Juggled time off , looked after you, organised your social life, sorted things single handedly whilst you lived the life of a single man somewhere else.

So maybe just maybe, because she has all these responsibilities she hasn't had a change to pursue a career that will take her to exciting places and meet interesting people and given her the salary that she deserves. Also maybe her little part time job is keeping her from going to the gym and having to feed two teenage boys means that she struggles to find the time to cook herself figure friendly meals.

But yes, please tell your wife that you've been shagging someone else whilst she's been holding the fort and you want a divorce so that she can go off and do something for her.

And good luck to your new bit being supportive whilst you give everything to your family and are living in a tiny place with little money to go out etc. Also, does she have kids? Is she younger and wants kids? Are you going to live with her?

tsonlyme
You know her wage is low because she's running around looking after your children half the time, don't you? 🙄 It's not just something for her to do, you prick.

you are indeed a selfish bastard.

just fuck off.

How utterly shit from you op. Utterly shit and selfish. Your poor family, you don't deserve them. You've lied and deceived your wife for an entire year. I don't know what you want to hear from the people on this thread but it certainly won't be sympathetic.
All I get from that post is you putting down your wife's contribution, without which you would be able to be swanning about with another woman for a year you selfish dick!

Wouldn't be able* ugh

Does your girlfriend actually know about your wife or have you spun her a line as well?

Bet you don't see them ok financially.

" I do not wish her any ill will."

Really because your actions thus far show nothing but. You are a selfish prick and your entire post is about you. You have responsibilities but out of sight out of mind eh?

You have lied and deceived those who rely on you. You are not special, there is no 'crisis', you are just doing what selfish people do and no one will think better of you for it.

Bet you have cheated before.
Bet you are going to screw your wife over in the divorce.

You are a cliche.

Don't be surprised if your children want nothing to do with you after this.

You've betrayed your whole family.

Just put them out of their "not unhappy" misery now.

Nice timing too.

What a lad.

You couldn't have fitted more cliches into that sob story if you'd tried. It's like a game of Dickhead Bingo, so well done for that.

I've never understood anyone's protestations of "don't tell me I'm a twat, I already know". If you already know, why continue for well over a year? If I catch myself being a twat I generally give myself a shake and think "ooh, lost myself for a minute there" and sort myself out. To be a perpetual twat for a year takes some doing. You don't deserve your wife. Leave her and run off with whichever woman you believe you're in love with and remember, how it begins is how it ends. You begun your relationship with the OW with lies and unkindness, be sure it'll end the same way for you.

Fuck you may as well be my ex he played away cos i had gained weight and didn't give him enough attention. I also worked at a school and earned 13 grand, did all the housework, child rearing etc etc but it was never enough.

I even offered to work part time but that wasn't good enough either as he had to work full time so why the hell shouldn't I.

He also thought he was generous by leaving with nothing but failed to see why he shouldn't have half the price of our home as he was the big man/bread winner and i had stayed at home the first few years to raise our children, plus he left when our youngest was ten so i had a lot of years left in child rearing.

Poor little men who check out of their lives because they are so selfish and it's all about their needs and wants.
Do the decent thing and tell your wife the truth that you are a selfish bastard and let her and your poor children move on with their lives.

I am no longer attracted to my wife. Not just because of the usual weight gain

Actually in shock at above, I bet you're a right George Clooney yourself, your selfishness is astounding.

My DH worked away for years until recently and neither of us felt the need to find someone else. We are committed to each other and our family so made a concerted effort to keep the love despite being apart.

You want to leave the relationship, thats fine. These things happen and you're entitled to live your life how you choose.

But PLEASE try not to be the selfish twat that you sound like you are.
You've got 2 kids with your wife and you used to love her and cherish her so respect that.
In your op you don't once mention how your wife feels being apart. She is holding together the family and believe me, I have experience, she is under a lot of pressure practically living as a single parent while you behave like a single man.

Be decent and look after your family monetary wise. It's the least you could do after behaving like this.

PMSL! You're a walking cliche. 'I'm going to give them all my money and assets.' Yeah, until your hoochie on the side gets her talons into you and you'll come up with excuses. You don't deserve the family you've got, so yeah, cut them loose.