I guess I should leave....?

[atlsoul]

Hello. And thank you for reading this. I appreciate any help and feedback.

My wife and I have been married for 22 years. We have raised two children (the youngest is 16).

In 2013 I lost my job and we moved across the country to another city for my new job. They were so incredibly unhappy that they moved back to the city which we move from after 1 year. I have been traveling back and forth every weekend for 3 years to see them.

In the process of this separation, we have grown apart. Our interests have changed, we have become emotionally separated. And, the usual line applies: I love her, but I am not in love with her. 2+ years of separation has caused us to drift.

I am the breadwinner for the family. She has a job at the local school where they live, but it is more for something to do than for the money, as it only pays around $13k per year.

In the course of her being there and me being here, I have met someone else and become involved in a relationship with her. In my loneliness, and in my desire for companionship, the two of us have developed a love over time. I already know that this is something I should not have done, but it is where I am.

What this has caused me to realize is that I am a different person than I was several years ago. I am not angry or upset with my wife. I do not wish her any ill will. We have just both changed as people, and it feels as though we are staying together out of obligation, rather than because we want to be together. She is not happy with me, and I am not happy with her. We are not UNhappy, we just are not happy.

So now I face this situation where I have become involved with someone over a period of 1 year and developed a love relationship that is deep. I know it is wrong. If anything, I should have left my wife and then figured out what I want. But this is where I am, and have done what I have done.

I am no longer attracted to my wife. Not just because of the usual weight gain, but as a person. Our interests are so different now. We are such different people. I do not want to spend time with her, even before meeting my current girlfriend. I just dread the time that I do have to spend with her.

My question is this: Am I just experiencing some sort of mid-life crisis where my perception is warped, or do I just need to move on? And if I need to move on, is it with my girlfriend, or just move on because I am no longer in love with my wife?

Before anyone takes the time and effort to point out that I am a bastard or a coward, please know that I already realize that. I just want to figure out what to do from this point forward.

Thank you for any insight and advice that you all may have.

[MissWillaCather]

Now I'm wondering if this is real, as it's so cliched?

[Teacupinastorm]

I did think that too MissWillaCather

[Tiptip]

Wow - what a lot of vitriol. Atlsoul's post is a cliché for a reason...one of the definitions of cliché is 'commonplace' and that is exactly what his situation is..commonplace. Lots of people find themselves in this situation and it is absolutely awful for ALL concerned. For Atlsoul and his wife and children.

I feel for you. And I feel for her. No-one enters into marriage expecting this to be the outcome but it happens, a lot, and sometimes the thought of 40 more years of managing can seem totally soul destroying. How lovely it would be to extract yourself graciously, let all concerned heal and THEN move on romantically but life does not seem to work like this.

You seem honourable. You know it is wrong and you want to make sure your wife is not financially shafted (this is a HUGE problem for wives many of whom will regain earning potential they had before children) even if she ends up emotionally shafted.

I don't have any advice for you because it's never going to end well but I am sorry you are not going to find any support on this thread that you started. I feel for you. And I feel for them. Life can be very hard.

Good luck. Life has a way of working out. Maybe she can find her soulmate too.

[Tiptip]

will NEVER regain their earning potential!

Sigh - why can't there be an edit function on here

[MissWillaCather]

How can someone seem honourable having conducted an affair for a year?.

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

You come across as an absolute fucking pig.

[ThisThingCalledLife]

She has a job at the local school where they live, but it is more for something to do than for the money, as it only pays around $13k per year

I'm on £12k per year - i work full time and fund all my living expenses from that....

If you're not in love with her then let her go.

However, i wouldn't give them ALL your assets, what on earth for?
What about you and your future?
Or will you expect your new woman to provide the basics and the security for your new life? (For which you will get labelled 'Cocklodger' )

Your children have TWO parents earning a full time wage each to provide for them.

Don't make the mistake of many other men, handing everything over because you feel guilty.

[Twiggy71]

Bollocks Tiptip nobody is honourable when they have an affair behind their partners back for over a year.

[Jellybellyqueen]

I second Twiggy ^^. There is no way you can possibly be 'honourable' when regularly deciding to cheat on your wife (and family, by extension) for a whole year! This must have been a deliberate choice every week you went back. How ridiculous.
So looking forward to you coming back to try to defend your pathetic behaviour further...

[loobyloo1234]

Yuk. Tell your wife that you couldn't keep it in your pants and stop prolonging her agony. Aren't you decent saying you'll help her financially once you admit to being a shit? Bully for you

[WhooooAmI24601]

Tiptip What support can he be given? He's not heartbroken over the demise of his marriage and looking for ways to end things as kindly as he can to his DW. He's crapped all over her and the life she lives and feels a bit sorry for himself. If it wasn't so pathetic it would be laughable.

Relationships absolutely is a place for solidarity and kindness. But I'm not inclined to show solidarity and kindness to someone who clearly hasn't shown any for the woman he married. I'd be equally harsh if this was the DW posting about an affair; it's not because he's male, it's because he's a turd.

[0nline]

Like your youngest I was 16 when my father left.

He was away working for two years, coming home at the weekends.

He went on to be happy, I presume.

We never recovered from the loss of him. From him choosing to put down his unhappiness at not having what he wanted. An unhappiness that did not disappear, he effectively just past it on to us to carry in his stead. Because when he had a choice between making a priority of him/her and his children... all the "I'd die for my kids!" stuff turned out to be bollocks. He wouldn't even pick what we needed over what he wanted. What price actual death for our sake when he couldn't even choose us over a romance.

I found out that he died this year. Via internet randoms chatting about his demise on the internet. I have been in what feels like an endless fog of denial and pain ever since.

I hope the choice was worth it for him. Because it cost us so much.

You are as much responsible for any emotional distance as any other member of the family. More so if you add wedges. Like another realtionship.

That emotional distance can become a gulf in a context where a parent walks away from their family. What price working your arse off to build bridges with potentially heartbroken kids when the less spikey alternative of a lover's arms is on offer.

More than 30 years later I miss my father like it was yesterday. I am heartbroken at the lack of resolution, because time ran out on a chasm that became too wide to bridge. I hate him for having unilaterally chosen this for all of us when he decided he could better than what we offered. I love him and wish I had a time machine, could go back and make him stay, so the breaking of who he and we were had never happened at all.

As a parent is not the legacy I would want to leave behind when I died.

[julybug123]

My God this is vicious and destined to make the OP defensive and perhaps more unlikely to take the few shreds of decent advice which can be found amidst the frenzy. You put things rather badly OP but you know what you have to do and you must do it as decently and honorably as possible. I'm one who believes that once it's gone it's gone and you should give both of you the chance to live life honestly with at least the possibility of happiness with someone else. it takes courage to pull the plug, most people don't have that; do you?

[jeaux90]

Julybug I'm with you. OP you have acted dishonourably but you can put things right by being honest now.

Some marriages run there course. It's a shame you couldn't end it before you entered your other relationship but life isn't always straight forward.

I hope you move forward with honesty and integrity for your sake and the sake of your wife and kids. You need to remain in their lives and co parent effectively so I hope in time you and your wife and get through this and remain civil.

[MissWillaCather]

Jeaux90 what a lot of rubbish.

Life is straightforward: you can't be married and shag someone else.

[jeaux90]

Let me guess misswilla. Been cheated on?And I am entitled to my opinion seeing as I was cheated on repeatedly.

I have forgiven and moved forward. Bored of all the flaming that goes on here.

[WhooooAmI24601]

I've never been cheated on. I've never cheated. I just go through life trying not to hurt people. He has deliberately and knowingly begun a new life with another person whilst still enmeshed in a previous life with someone he once loved enough to marry. I don't see how this can be redeemed honourably or otherwise.

I've seen far more vicious responses to cheating spouses than this. Most of these go along the lines of "you're a dick, do the right thing and leave now instead of continually crapping on your wife". What other response was OP expecting? What other response can be given?

[TheoriginalLEM]

Fgs do her a favour and leave!

[TheoriginalLEM]

oh look, poor little op didn't come back.

[Chewbecca]

Yes, you should leave and divorce.

Any other questions?

[Adora10]

You seem honourable

Oh yeah, lying and deceiving his whole family for a year, he sounds a right keeper!

Can't believe some of these responses, actually patting him on the back for being a cunt, well done.

[snapcrap]

So let me recap:

You've gone off your wife because she's put weight on (nice)

You think she does her 'little job' for jollies and pin money (nope, it's because she has been looking after your children while you pursued your career)

You are cheating on her (oh sorry, you fell in love, you couldn't help yourself, your wife didn't understand you)

I should think it would be the best Christmas present in the world if you left your wife - let her be with someone who's not a selfish arsehole.

[DownAmongtheElves]

So your wife gave up her earning potential & career to bear & raise your children. She facilitated moving across country for your career, and then when that move was too much (I wonder what else she might have given up for your career), kept the home fires burning - it's not easy to keep the home going on one's own, basically single parenting during the week.

And you just couldn't cope with all of this?

Tell her you're setting her free.

[LesisMiserable]

I'm not being funny, but neither of them are happy. He's giving her everyrhing. This sounds a reasonable result all round to be honest once the dust has settled.

[Hermonie2016]

I hope you do come back to update.

Op, you are likely to be having a midlife crisis.I was talking to a very wise man yesterday who runs a large company in a male dominated industry.
He said it happens so frequently and if the men get coaching to put their relationships back on track they are often happier in the long run.

I say coaching rather than counselling as you need to develop skills to deal with emotions/the disconnections in your life.

I think the affair however is so damaging as you have now got shame and guilt to deal with.
The affair is likely to have been a shortcut to feeling happy but in the long run won't be right.
If you don't learn to negotiate life's challenges with your partner in a few years time you will hit a stumbling block with your affair partner and what will you do then? Have another affair?

Also you really don't know your affair partner, I assume she knows you are married so that is a big red flag.Emotional healthy people don't have affairs so she has issues that you have not seen yet.She is not version2 of your wife with improved features, she will not have all the values your wife has so you risk getting into a damaging relationship.