I guess I should leave....?

[atlsoul]

Hello. And thank you for reading this. I appreciate any help and feedback.

My wife and I have been married for 22 years. We have raised two children (the youngest is 16).

In 2013 I lost my job and we moved across the country to another city for my new job. They were so incredibly unhappy that they moved back to the city which we move from after 1 year. I have been traveling back and forth every weekend for 3 years to see them.

In the process of this separation, we have grown apart. Our interests have changed, we have become emotionally separated. And, the usual line applies: I love her, but I am not in love with her. 2+ years of separation has caused us to drift.

I am the breadwinner for the family. She has a job at the local school where they live, but it is more for something to do than for the money, as it only pays around $13k per year.

In the course of her being there and me being here, I have met someone else and become involved in a relationship with her. In my loneliness, and in my desire for companionship, the two of us have developed a love over time. I already know that this is something I should not have done, but it is where I am.

What this has caused me to realize is that I am a different person than I was several years ago. I am not angry or upset with my wife. I do not wish her any ill will. We have just both changed as people, and it feels as though we are staying together out of obligation, rather than because we want to be together. She is not happy with me, and I am not happy with her. We are not UNhappy, we just are not happy.

So now I face this situation where I have become involved with someone over a period of 1 year and developed a love relationship that is deep. I know it is wrong. If anything, I should have left my wife and then figured out what I want. But this is where I am, and have done what I have done.

I am no longer attracted to my wife. Not just because of the usual weight gain, but as a person. Our interests are so different now. We are such different people. I do not want to spend time with her, even before meeting my current girlfriend. I just dread the time that I do have to spend with her.

My question is this: Am I just experiencing some sort of mid-life crisis where my perception is warped, or do I just need to move on? And if I need to move on, is it with my girlfriend, or just move on because I am no longer in love with my wife?

Before anyone takes the time and effort to point out that I am a bastard or a coward, please know that I already realize that. I just want to figure out what to do from this point forward.

Thank you for any insight and advice that you all may have.

[BiscuitCapitalOfTheWorld]

Look at marriagebuilders.com. It's the marriage coaching Hermonie was talking about.

You will have to confess to the affair to rebuild your marriage. Your wife might choose to end it anyway.

But I think you came on here, expressly to get a kicking. You're the type of person who when you feel guilty, you want a short sharp punishment, then to be able to move on, guilt assuaged.

You don't deserve to get off so lightly and quickly, with just a few verbal punches from random strangers on the internet.

The right thing to do is to properly work on your marriage, and ensure you wife has an equal hand in deciding both the process and outcomes of that, whether it be staying together, splitting up, how you split up etc. If and how you split up needs to be jointly agreed (I don't mean one of you gets to over-rule the other, just that you need to find a path through this jointly, not just dump and run).

You've been a poor excuse for a man and a husband lately, time to man up and find some decency, even it's it's just the decency to involve your wife in how your marriage ends.

[AyeAmarok]

OP, are you there?

Yew-hoooooo?

[0nline]

but neither of them are happy

You've spoken to his wife have you ?

It is exceedingly common for people who have struck up a side relationship to reframe their marriage as "unhappy for both of us" because it helps with the guilt. You don't have to take responsibility for heartbreak and betrayal if you have rewritten it as "I was doing them a favour really, we were both miserable".

[OurBlanche]

Life is straightforward: you can't be married and shag someone else.

Mmmm! I think that might be wrong... can't quite put my finger on it, but it doesn't sound right to me!

Oh, to live in such a perfect world!

Whether OP is real or not, coming back or not, reality is, his life changed. His wife made choices, he made choices. Those combined choices now mean he has been unfaithful and now needs to work out how to be more honest, with his wife and himself.

Yes, it is a shit thing to do, but then so is moving your family back "home" when your DH has a job miles away! I would imagine the the marriage wasn't all that solid at that point, either!

Still, it is one of those threads that shows why MNers are known as 'vipers'

[namechange102]

OurBlanche - I'm not sure moving the family back home is on the same 'shit' level as having an affair for a year. OP said that they ( the wife AND two kids) Were incredibly unhappy in the new place. Surely you should be trying to make life better for all concerned, not just one. And plenty of people work away from their families (and get to see them less) without cheating.

[EmeraldIsle100]

In answer to your question you are not experiencing some kind of mid live crisis you are just another cliche who can't keep his dick in his pants.

Give me her number and I will tell her and the kids for you.

[OurBlanche]

My point namechange was that for them to have gone home would indicate that the family unit wasn't pulling in the same direction back then.

And I didn't say that the 2 things were equally shit. Just that both decisions were not ones that healthy relationships make!

I know how hard it can be having a partner that works away from home... DH has done so for the past 20 odd years!

All OP can do now is be honest and tell his wife. That he hasn't done so for so long is totally unforgivable but, not owning a Tardis, railing about it changes nothing. He needs to get it sorted... and be prepared for the crap that will rightfully, be thrown at him!

[namechange102]

ISWYM OurBlanche, sometimes it's hard to make decisions as a family unit where everyone will be happy.
Also know where you're coming from with the DP working away. Not quite your 20 years, but not far off!

[StiffenedPleat]

Poor chap/OP. He wanted to the internet ladies to give him permission to leave his wife.

You don't need permission to leave, OP. YOU have already left. It's just your family don't know yet. You've lied to them.

Be honest. Be happy.

[OurBlanche]

namechange we often tot up the actual time we have spent together... for years it was no wonder we still acted like newly weds

31 years together, 27ish married and I don't think we have ever spent an entire month, let alone year, in the same county (country for a while). Now wondering if we'll manage being retired together. I suppose we still have 15+ years to practice being togevver

[Pollyanna9]

I think atlsoul's name should probably be arsehole.

Or nofuckingsoul. (Apologies, two glasses into a bottle of Pinot Grigio).

I bet you're no sodding oil painting yourself mate.

[georgethecat]

Well this is going to go well. Popcorn.

[namechange102]

OurBlanche should be ok as long as you've got two TVs with remote control, and he doesn't get in the way of your routine

[Gildedcage]

I wonder if his wife knows she isn't happy? There's alot of justification for what is in essence a choice. At least just own it. All this justification just makes you sound like a cliche (which I know has been said). But you're a grown man at least be honest about the choices you've made.