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Original poster

I want kids, he doesn't

81 replies

Awful · 19/12/2016 15:54

Hi everyone.

I've just turned 30 this June and got engaged. I'm at a point in my life where I am thinking seriously about having children and discussed this with my partner of just under 9 years for a number of years.

He has always said he didn't want children but has wavered in between with statements like "I don't know how I'll feel in the future" which was apparently enough for me to cling onto.

We've just had a very serious talk about it in which he broke down into tears saying he didn't want children and doesn't want to break up. Now I'm completely stuck, I feel like I can't leave as we have a home together, have been together for such a long time and actually work together. I don't want to be the bad person but I don't want to resent him when it's too late for me.

Should I give up on children as I have also flip-flopped on the whole children issue too? My brother has recently had a baby and I have hoped that might tip the scales in my favour with my partner as he has grown quite attached to her.

Thanks for any advice you might have.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 19/12/2016 22:10

Oh, yeah, know lots of these 40-50-something 'family men'.

Shedoesntgetthatfromme · 19/12/2016 22:16

I was in exactly this situation when I was 31. I left a few months after he told me he definitely didn't want kids - after years of no I don't/maybe I will/not sure..... Anyway - it was hard, I can't lie about that. I missed him dreadfully and the fact that I was leaving for the promise of a future relationship and child that might never happen made it doubly so. And I didn't find anyone else for quite some time.
But I did - and now I have a lovely partner and a beautiful daughter and I thank god every day I didn't stay with my ex and give up on the chance of having her.
I wish you luck. The night my ex told me he really wasn't going to have kids with me was one of the worst of my life so I can sympathise with how you feel just now. But i think you have to go. And I think one day you'll be glad you did.

Caro486 · 20/12/2016 03:30

Who's in charge of contraception?

80sMum · 20/12/2016 03:57

Oh dear, what a difficult and sad situation to be in, OP. I think if you stay with this man, as time goes by you will grow to resent him because of all that you have given up for him.

Having {or not having) children must be a joint decision. It is simply not fair on either of you to continue like this. Clearly, your fiancé already feels that he is letting you down and is feeling under stress because of that. He's not unreasonable not to want children, any more than you are to want them. You each want fundamentally different lives - and I am afraid there is really no way forward for you as a couple.

You know that you should have had this conversation with him 9 years ago. Don't make the same mistake next time around! You have plenty of time to meet someone else and have a family - but don't waste any time on anyone who doesn't share your desire to be a parent. Be selective!

iogo · 20/12/2016 04:13

Who's in charge of contraception?

That doesn't matter. If this poster is alluding to what I think they are, please, please don't trick him into having a child.

But I think everyone else is right. You need to leave. It would be a deal breaker for me.

SelfCleaningVagina · 20/12/2016 04:20

You really need to break up and don't drag it out any longer. Do it as soon as Christmas is over. This situation has no easy solution and is unfair on both of you. It's a shame the pair of you were not more receptive to what the other was saying over the course of your long relationship and that it has had to come this far with both of you burying your heads in the sand over what the other said they wanted.

I saw some meme on fb the other day, can't remember it verbatim but the gist was:

The definition of a fool is someone who carries on with a mistake because they don't want to waste all the time they've already invested in it.'

Don't be that fool.

Feelingkenty · 20/12/2016 05:47

Also someone who's been in that situation. Finally got engaged to my now ex at 30 after 8 years together and neither of us being sure about kids in our twenties.

When I decided I did want kids and he remained ambivalent it was hard and we had several arguments about it. Then we broke up the following year when I was 31 anyway (for that and other reasons I.e. That he didn't actually want to marry me).

Fast forward 5 years I am now married to someone else with one DD and another on the way. I was worried I may not meet someone else but it happened relatively quickly (I gave myself a year of being single first to sort my head out, especially after getting together so young).

It wasn't something I'd discussed with my ex at the time of getting together (because you know, who does at 21 while still at uni?!) but I did make it quite clear at the beginning of my current relationship since I figured it was what I wanted and what did I have to lose by bringing it up early?

Good luck OP, it's a situation that rarely turns out well in my experience.

Neutrogena · 20/12/2016 05:56

Leave him and find someone else who does want children.
It's that simple, albeit a very hard thing to do.
You will have to compromise on your next partner (no-one is perfect) , but always remember that you've chosen that partner because they were willing to give you children.
Good luck.

PS - I wouldn't mention it in the first few minutes of the first date. I'd say you split from your ex because you wanted different things in life, and say you're more of a 'family girl'. That's better than saying 'I want a baby'.

WispyWindy · 20/12/2016 06:09

At 30 you still have time to find someone who wants the same things as you. Don't coast along for another few years hoping he will change his mind - he has been very clear. Slightly different to others I know a couple who married and then she decided that she didn't want children, having previously said she did. He did want kids, and so they divorced. Speaking to him, he acknowledged she was entitled to want what she wanted and also to change her mind, but it meant their lives were incompatible and so they had to split.

SilentBatperson · 20/12/2016 09:01

Of course you can leave. Its simply a question of which is more important to you, him or the potential to have a baby. Fwiw I'd be highly unimpressed with him faffing and stringing for years before finally bothering to tell you the truth. Would damage my ability to trust him.

Trills · 20/12/2016 09:05

I split up with my partner of 7 years when I was 29.

Not for this reason.

It's scary because you haven't ever been a adult by yourself.

I'm glad we did it though.

Trills · 20/12/2016 09:07

An alternative thought

Are you sure you want to be with him anyway?
Are you sure you want to get married?
Are you sure you want children?

Or are these all just "the next thing to do" when you are 30 and you have been with someone for a while.

liletsthepink · 20/12/2016 09:51

Don't waste any more of your fertile years on this man. Listen to what he has said and end the relationship because you want a different life. If he's a decent person he will let you go and encourage you to fulfil your wish for a child. If he's as manipulative as you've said he will mess with your head a bit more and say he may change his mind in the future and beg you to stay.

I think you should leave and have no contact for several months. After being on your own for a while you will see how terrible his treatment of you has been by saying he doesn't know what he wants. He sounds quite immature which means you are at different stages of your lives now.

It's sad when a long term relationship ends but you can't stay with him.

chloesmumtoo · 20/12/2016 10:40

Would be a deal breaker for me too. Grew up wanting children and had two. My life would be incomplete without them. I know my dp feels the same as me. Hard work yes, stressful yes and obviously you and your partner become last for as many years but I would not change a thing. Rewards are high.
Obviously you state you have had doubts yourself so it seems you really need to decide on what you want and then act on it. I have always known what I had wanted so was easy for me. I know also people without children who are enjoying life and can do so many luxury things/hobbies that we can't so it is your choice in life really. I do feel I am suddenly worn out and scraggly like a mummy bird, best years behind me I do hope I can replenish in due course, my dc are older teens now but still wear me out emotionally and physically, your in for the long haul. Good luck with your decission. I would and could not have lived a life without children and would be greatly upset if the love of my life did not want to have them with me.

moomin11 · 20/12/2016 10:55

I split up with my ex for this reason when I was 30, we'd been together for 10 years and married for 7. I had also moved away from family to be with him. It was one of the most difficult decisions of my life as we still loved each other but after several years of going back and forth about it there was no other option. You will resent him if you give up your chance to have a child. DP and I are getting married next year and we have a 2 year old DD. I was pretty ambivalent about having children until I hit 30 but I couldn't imagine my life without her now. Hope it all works out for you, it is so hard.

moomin11 · 20/12/2016 10:58

Oh and I disagree that you have to compromise on your next DP

alotlikeChristmas16 · 20/12/2016 11:05

i would break up with your DP too op, it's sad, and hard, but i would, hand on heart, not pass up my future motherhood chances for even Sam Heughan, who I'm sure is the nicest man in the entire world and perfect in every way. No. I didn't have a strong maternal urge until I hit my late 20s, and it got stronger after having each DC oddly, and now in my late 30s I'd like a barn-full, plus a live in nanny so I could still have a life. Seriously, don't compromise if children are part of your life plan. You never know what will happen with partners but babies are a fundamental.

MrsDilligaf · 20/12/2016 11:54

Oh OP... this must be hard for you but as you want to have children and DP doesn't then you need to have that painful conversation. There is no compromise where children are concerned.

I know one couple who are currently in the midst of such a conflict. He desperately wants children, she is adamant that she doesn't and it is difficult to see them in such turmoil. None of us are in a position to advise them because the rest of the couples in our circle are either happily childless, or parents.

There is no right or wrong - but I would say that this conversation needs to happen sooner rather than later.

ShatnersWig · 20/12/2016 13:33

I know women who gave up their wish for children for men who didn't want kids. Still married 20 years later and happy. They made sure they had lots of interests, have busy fulfilling lives in other ways and are great aunties.

I also know women who wanted kids but their partners/husbands didn't but thought their men would change their minds. They didn't. Some very bitter divorces even though the men had been totally open from the start.

I also know women who wanted kids but their partners/husbands didn't, left these men in their early 30s and have been single for a decade, never met anyone else remotely serious and are now desperately lonely, realise they've missed the boat on children (they won't do it on their own via a sperm donor) and have actually said that they wish they hadn't split up and stayed together. All the men have remarried and none of them have gone on to have children.

In other words, doesn't matter what we all say. We all know people, have different experiences. Yes, you are potentially young enough to still meet someone and have children - but there are no guarantees. Be sure that having children and the life you don't know but would like to have but that you may not actually have, is more important to you than the love you have now.

xStefx · 20/12/2016 13:37

Your still young enough to find someone else and have kids. You only live once. men can produce babies till they die but us woman have until menopause. So for him theres no hurry, for you there is. Its a deal breaker, he wants you to put your feelings aside for his ! in other words he is more important than you. He needs to be a man and let you go. Imagine you get to 45, he wants kids (and still can) and you can by that age, Imagine he left you for someone else and had them when your that age. Your not married yet, imagine a life with children and a man that can give you all that and say goodbye hun xxx

SallyInSweden · 20/12/2016 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alotlikeChristmas16 · 20/12/2016 13:45

i do agree Shatner there are few certainties for any of us and many would make different decisions with the benefit of hindsight which we can never have. You have to go with your gut for the big things and then deal with what happens.

RaspberryOverloadsOnMincePies · 20/12/2016 14:00

So he doesn't want to break up but doesn't want children.

Sorry, but you need to put yourself first here. If you know you want children, then this relationship is not for you.

Don't fall for the "maybe someday" crap, that's just to string you along so you don't leave.

And don't feel you have to stay because you have already been together for so long. That's the sunken costs fallacy. You have to make a decision based on your future needs and desires, ie children, not a decision based on the past.

expatinscotland · 21/12/2016 20:08

Really hope you leave, Awful. I know it's hard, I've been there, too, I was married and we had a house together, together for 8 years, but it's dealbreaker and he has not right to take away your chance to be a mum because he doesn't fancy having children.

expatinscotland · 21/12/2016 20:09

And don't fall for any 'I'm not ready just yet, I need a couple of years,' stunts. He'll never be ready with you. You deserve more.

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