Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I want kids, he doesn't

81 replies

Awful · 19/12/2016 15:54

Hi everyone.

I've just turned 30 this June and got engaged. I'm at a point in my life where I am thinking seriously about having children and discussed this with my partner of just under 9 years for a number of years.

He has always said he didn't want children but has wavered in between with statements like "I don't know how I'll feel in the future" which was apparently enough for me to cling onto.

We've just had a very serious talk about it in which he broke down into tears saying he didn't want children and doesn't want to break up. Now I'm completely stuck, I feel like I can't leave as we have a home together, have been together for such a long time and actually work together. I don't want to be the bad person but I don't want to resent him when it's too late for me.

Should I give up on children as I have also flip-flopped on the whole children issue too? My brother has recently had a baby and I have hoped that might tip the scales in my favour with my partner as he has grown quite attached to her.

Thanks for any advice you might have.

OP posts:

eurochick · 19/12/2016 18:17

I was in a similar situation. I finished it. After a few weeks he came back and said he did want kids just not yet, so we got back together and are now married with a toddler. So we got there in the end. However we started ttc when I was 34 and needed 4 rounds of IVF to get a baby. We had both agreed on two children but I turn 41 next month and neither of us fancy getting on the IVF train, so whilst I have a daughter I adore, she will be an only (something I really didn't want as an only myself). Who knows if things would have been different if we had started at 30-31 when I was ready. We've been unlucky but I guess my message is don't mess around with your fertile years if you know you want a family.

stumblymonkey · 19/12/2016 18:24

I agree with pretty much all of the previous posters. This isn't something you can find a middle ground on, he's been very clear about not wanting children.

I'm also concerned that he waited so long to get married.

I think you have to walk away....see it as a positive and make some other changes....new job, new home, new life....could be very exciting and lead you to someone you're just as happy with but that wants children.

BiscuitCapitalOfTheWorld · 19/12/2016 18:30

House on market in January then.

Don't overthink this, just head for freedom. Now.

TaggieRR · 19/12/2016 18:36

I would leave. I think the "don't know how I feel in the future" is an attempt to string you along.

memyselfandaye · 19/12/2016 18:36

Don't compromise on this, it's too much of a big deal. If you want children then you go and find someone who wants the same thing.

If you give up your dream of kids and stay with him he could drop dead or bugger off when you are too old to have them with someone else.

TheNaze73 · 19/12/2016 19:38

You'll get a plethora of great advice on here OP but, you're life is at a massive cross roads & only you can decide, which way to turn. Jeaux summed it up perfectly

SandyY2K · 19/12/2016 19:48

You should never give up what you want for a man. Especially something as important as having children or you'll most likely regret it.

FetchezLaVache · 19/12/2016 19:50

Do you own or rent your home together?

Either way, however daunting it may seem to you at the moment, extricating yourself now and giving yourself a bit of time to regroup and find someone else is going to be a shite sight easier than either trying to do the same aged 38 or resigning yourself to never having children.

TheSnowFairy · 19/12/2016 20:01

Agree with the 'not with you' comments. Sad but true.

LittleGreyBear · 19/12/2016 20:03

Please marry someone who can't wait to start a family with you. Parenting is tough enough without always having to wonder if he would be happier if you had chosen differently/ feeling guilty for his 'sacrifice'

Agree with this. Parenting is enormously tough and it would put a huge strain on the relationship if he wasn't 100% keen on the idea. I think it's fair to say that even solid couple who both want kids go through testing times.

Good luck with your decision. If you are going to split up you should do it sooner than later, and before you get married.

Sorry you're in this position. It must be an agonising decision.

Rainbowqueeen · 19/12/2016 20:11

The reasons y up give for staying with him are sunken costs fallacy reasons, not that you can see a wonderful future together even without children.

I think you need to leave, or at the very least talk to a counsellor to get some clarity.

newmumwithquestions · 19/12/2016 20:11

Sorry OP but I also think this is a deal breaker.

Liara · 19/12/2016 20:12

At your age I was the converse - I loved dh to bits, he wanted kids and I didn't. We were told we needed fertility treatment, so had to decide early (mid twenties) as the chances were low even with IVF. Dh told me he loved me more than he wanted kids, and that was that.

As it happened, when I was in my mid thirties I got pg and was decided to have that child (but I would still never have agreed to fertility treatment). We now have two dc and are very happy. Dh would have loved to try for a third (and probably a fourth), but I said no and he accepted it again.

He claims he has no regrets and wouldn't have had even if we never had kids.

Just to present another side to the whole 'you'll waste your fertile years on him and then he'll dump you' scenario. I never would have dumped dh, I just didn't want children in my twenties or early thirties, and couldn't commit to wanting them later.

Bythebeach · 19/12/2016 20:34

Does anyone know a woman who wanted kids but sacrificed her wish to be with a man who didn't who is ultimately (say aged 45/50 and def past child bearing) happy? I definitely don't and can't envisage a relationship that would survive that level of sacrifice!

alembec · 19/12/2016 20:37

I really feel for you, and can't give you answers but here is my experience.

Spent 10 years with an emotionally distant man who I thought was (and could well be) the love of my life. We connected on so many levels, but he was just not ready for commitment. Much of that is upbringing (distant parents, lack of role model) and some of that is just himself (self centred, goal focused on career etc.). He was always clear that he wanted no kids, but while I was young and enjoyed his company so much I could overlook it.

I managed to talk myself into accepting less than i wanted out of a relationship, so delayed moving in together, accepted that we were both not the marrying type, waited until buying a house together...

I made a pact with myself that if he still doesn't want kids when i turned 30, I'd leave him and find someone else or even have kids by myself. It was not something I could compromise on.

When the time came, I actually found it so hard to leave, and dithered on and off for a year. Eventually, just as I was about to give the ultimatum, he agreed that we'd try for a baby. In hindsight it was because he was also deeply afraid of losing me, and wanted to make me happy.

Because I felt he compromised so much to do this for me, I agreed to shoulder the majority of the burden of childcare. We conceived when I was 32, and we were both over the moon.

Fast forward 2 years. We have broken up. I was so resentful that he hardly did any emotional or physical stuff to do with the baby, and that he didn't particularly want to bond with the baby. He was resentful that I had no time for him, was not the same as I was pre baby, and he decided that he'd have an emotional affair with OW to get what he couldn't from me. this happened when our baby was 1 year old. He left us and it has been hard, hard, hard, though getting better every day.

So overall, what can I say. On one hand I am so grateful that I have my baby, who is part me and part the man I loved. On the other hand my relationship, which I thought was so important for so long, has disintegrated in a horrible, heart wrenching, and soul breaking fashion, just when I needed a partner the most. I also worry about the effect a broken family and a distant dad will have on my child, but I hope I and my immediate family will give him the security and love my ex couldn't.

Neither choice is easy, and you will have to accept that you may not get the best outcome. Good luck.

Liara · 19/12/2016 20:49

bythebeach Yes, I do. One of my oldest friends. She's 50 now, and very happy with her dh. She did want dc, but wanted a relationship with him more.

I also know another who wanted dc but her partner couldn't have them, and she chose to stay with him anyway. They are early 50s with lots of cats.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 19/12/2016 20:51

BytheBeach
I know 3 women way passed child-bearing age now, and all of them very much regret that they allowed men to ultimately make this decision for them.

PaulDacresConscience · 19/12/2016 21:28

I have no DC and am happy with that outcome. DH and I have been together for almost 20 years. If he upped and left and had a family with someone else then I'd be a bit but ultimately, reasonably unbothered I think. I love kids, I love my nieces and nephews, but I don't want my own.

This is something that you absolutely cannot compromise on - if you want kids and he doesn't then you need to leave and find someone else. If you waste your fertile years with him then you are going to end up resenting him and it will destroy your relationship anyway.

PaulDacresConscience · 19/12/2016 21:31

Oh and I am another that knows of two women who were in LTR with men who kept doing the 'maybe next year, I just need a bit of time' dance with them. One spent 10 years in the LTR and the other almost 15. In both cases the blokes got to their mid-40s and met someone younger and fucked off and had babies with their new partners. Both women are still without children and will never have them, and have tried to come to terms with being robbed of their chances by these selfish fucking arseholes.

Bythebeach · 19/12/2016 21:35

Liars, that's good to hear. I'm knee deep in kids and find it hard to imagine how I'd fell not having them. Probably a lot less tired!

Bythebeach · 19/12/2016 21:35

Not Liars!! Liara

JsOtherHalf · 19/12/2016 21:42

I spent my 20's with a partner who kept changing his mind about marriage and children. Usually talking about 'maybe, sometime '.

We split, I met DH after I'd turned 30.
We needed IVF for DS. I would have loved another child, but it hasn't happened.

Ex on the other hand has 2+ children with the woman he got with after me.

On the plus side, DH is much nicer than ex.

expatinscotland · 19/12/2016 21:50

No, not a single one. I have 7 good female friends who themselves never wanted children and so married men who felt the same. All are happy and in their 40s and 50s now (I'm in my mid-40s). But I also know 4 women who gave up having kids for a guy and all bitterly regret it. 2 where ditched for 20-somethings and the guy has kids.

You have to leave, OP. This is a dealbreaker.

I divorced my ex at your age due to his never wanting children. We had a house together, too.

Best thing I ever did.

I had 3 with H.

Sorry, but you don't have any more time to waste.

Don't buy into the sunken costs fallacy.

PutneyPandora · 19/12/2016 21:53

Hi OP,
I really empathise with your predicament, I am 41 and recently ended a relationship with a guy who quite clearly strung me along for 2 years...first he wanted kids, then he didn't, then he did...go figure!? He already had 2 kids of his own from a previous marriage but from the get go there was no confusion on my part, he knew that I wanted to settle down and have children. We had a strong connection so breaking up with him was awfully tough. I know at 41 my fertility levels are greatly reduced but I haven't ruled out the possibility of having kids whether naturally or adoption as I know I would make a great mum.
My advice to you is cut your losses now. Go find a man who does want to be a father and put yourself first. Be selfish, you don't need to waste any more of your precious time on this guy.

Wish you all the best...I know from experience it's a tough decision.

LadyLapsang · 19/12/2016 21:59

I know another who said he never wanted children, now has just had first child in his 50s and is reinventing himself as a family man (even though he was moaning about it when his wife was pregnant). Men have much more time. I think he has been stringing you along - very unfair and cruel. My advice would be that unless you would be sanguine with him leaving you childless in your 40s while he starts a family then you should end it ASAP. He is probably relying on sunken costs / the joint property to keep you in this situation but you still have plenty of time.

Flip

1 2 3 4